He was doing it again: looking. Looking at the guy walking by, broad shouldered, goatee thick over his chin, so masculine. He let his eyes scan down the guy's body, looked at the way his t-shirt fit snug over his muscular body, the way his jeans seemed loose around the narrow waist, and the bulge, the way he could tell how the guy's cock was lying within. It made his stomach knot up, but he kept looking as the guy strolled by, a girl beside him, his arm over her shoulder and as they moved on down the sidewalk he watched the guy's ass, the way it moved in his jeans, the round forms of each cheek, moving with each step.
Sean realized he hadn't bothered to notice what the girl looked like and he leaned forward, elbows on his knees, looking down at the sidewalk. He was getting worse, this captivation he had with other guys, this allure and he fought it, tried to suppress this attraction, but it was getting more difficult, especially here, on campus, where it was okay to be gay, or bisexual, but he had an image to uphold. A finely crafted image that had taken years to create, one that pleased his father, his church, the small community he called home.
Middle and high school had been comparatively easy to wear this mask, to play this part, for he was popular, the jock, the guy the girls flirted with the most, the first guy in his class to lose his virginity, the one who won football games quarterbacking the team, the one voted most popular confirming everything. And to foster ideas otherwise would have gotten him ostracized, possibly bullied like Little Micky. Little Micky had been small compared to the other boys, and his mannerism made it worse, and they called him names, beat him up, and harassed him all through school till in the tenth grade Little Micky's parent pulled him out of the school and sent him to a private school over forty miles away. Sean remembered when his chair was empty one day and the teacher told them Mike was going to go to Woodland Academy and Sean felt relief, not of Mike's getting away from their cruelty, but of him not seeing Mike and having those thoughts that plagued him made all the worse. For the rest of his time in high school Sean coasted through, made the grades, played the sports, dated girls all the while struggling to control his feelings.
During this time it was at night, alone in his bedroom, that was the worst and he had masturbated to the images of his classmates, Ryan in the showers after practice, the skin of his cock darker than his olive toned skin, and the way it would stretch out when Ryan showered, grow longer, hanging loose over his sac . Charley was another, who's tall lean body showed his muscular build, like a runner or swimmer and his ass had been so round, so smooth and Sean imaged he was behind Charley, down on his knees, up close to that ass, and he thought of some of the other guys, their naked bodies he had seen in gym or after practice and he had masturbated to them all, with images of him doing things for them, gay things, sucking their dicks, and even letting them touch him, finger his hole, put their cocks in it and he had masturbated with his fingers buried in his ass stretching it open, burying them as deeply as he could till he spattered cum all over his chest and stomach.
It was worse now.
Sean thought college would be easier, he'd not feel this pressure in playing his role, this imagine of the stud, the jock, the big man on campus, but he found it was harder, for he wasn't the stud, or the jock, or the big man on campus. Now he was just another guy who's sports consisted of some gym classes and tossing the football with some of the guys in his dorm and on Saturdays going to the game to watch the real jocks.
Sean had been on campus for nearly two months and during that time he had not tried to go out with a girl, hadn't even flirted with one. He just couldn't do it. Instead he looked at the guys on his dorm floor, the ones who went around in their boxers or briefs, the ones he saw in the showers. He looked at all the different builds, the various hair colors and he looked at the various shapes of cocks they each had. And he looked at his roommate. It was quick glances, just a sweep of the eyes and it made him feel like he had a hole in his chest the way he had to pretend he wasn't looking, the way he pretended something he was not. Keith was from Atlanta, the kind of guy who was so unself-conscious he didn't care if he combed his hair in the morning or went with it sticking straight up, and either way his black hair looked good. Keith had nice clothes, some of the latest fashions and he wore them sometimes, but more often than not he wore old gym shorts and one of his many frayed and stretched out t-shirts. The necks of his t-shirts hung low and loose revealing the smooth skin of Keith's upper chest and one had a hole just below his left nipple and Sean had on so many occasions when Keith was focused on reading had sat and stared through that hole. It was absurd really, for he'd seen Keith naked all the time, his body nicely toned from swimming in high school and playing soccer but when Keith wore something that teased him, gave him a glimpse of flesh he struggled to turn his eyes away.
Keith tore at his nerves even worse with one pair of gym shorts he wore all the time. The gray cotton shorts were worn soft and thin and there was a hole in the crotch, down between his legs. One night Keith had sat with his legs propped up on his desk, his legs angled upward as he leaned back in his chair telling Sean about some party he had gone to the night before and Sean tried to listen, really was intrigued by what Keith had to say, but when he noticed the hole, noticed Keith was sans underwear and his sac was hanging through it a till half a nut was visible he had felt his heart beat excitedly in his chest and he knew Keith had caught him looking below his legs more than once till he finally put his legs down.
Now Sean sat on a bench between classes and time and time again he found his eyes roaming over one guy after the next. He saw a pretty boy coming, long blonde hair, lean body wearing a white dress shirt and khakis and Sean found his eyes looking at the guy, the way the khakis fit around his narrow waist, and he wondered what he would look like naked and the realization of his thoughts made him ball of up his fists and look down at the ground. He wondered if he just acted out on this desire, actually hooked up with a guy and let the guy fuck him, fuck him hard, made it hurt, if that would make him stop. If that was what it'd take to let him get back into character, resume the role he had in high school, then he would do it, for right now he was letting his emotions and desires get the best of him.
That evening Sean was lying on his bed trying to read for one of his classes. Keith was sitting at his desk typing away on his computer and had music playing softly in the background. Sean would look up at Keith and see how his t-shirt had ridden up in back revealing his lower back and the gym shorts were pushed up along the left leg revealing more of his upper leg than usual and Sean struggled to focus on his textbook. Keith glanced over at him and sighed, pushed his chair back and turned to face Sean.
"Okay Sean, can I ask you something?" Keith asked.
Sean was caught off guard by the serious tone of Keith's question and he sat up laying the book down at his side.
"Now don't get mad, but...are you gay?"
It felt like the bed had fallen out from beneath Sean and all of his fears rose up. The persona he had created was quickly fading before his eyes, this image he had thought he had so carefully crafted.
"Come on man...it's okay if you are, but I think you're...I don't know, fighting against it, ya know?"
"No...no, no" and Sean stared at Keith, wide eyed, thinking he had to stare him down, make him back off.
"Okay...okay..." Keith replied his voice softening, "it's just Jacob down the hall wanted to know. He thought...well it doesn't matter does it."
"No, it doesn't matter what Jacob thought" Sean replied and he thought of the times Jacob had been in the shower and caught him looking at him, or the times they passed in the hall and Sean was too tongue tied to speak and just nodded his head in acknowledgment. Jacob was openly gay, everyone knew about him, and Sean was surprised how most didn't care. Sean could only admit in the middle of the night, lights out, the room dark, how he did find Jacob attractive, along with a lot of other guys, but Jacob was gay, openly so, and yet there was nothing about him that screamed out 'gay' for he was average in height, about the same as Sean, average build, on the lean side and his light brown hair was kept short, real short and Sean pictured him in the shower, naked, his lean body with water cascading down it and he thought of how he looked when he was backed to the shower, hands rubbing the shampoo off his head, arms up, the sparse hair barely visible in each armpit and the soap sliding down his chest over his stomach and over his cock with its small spread of pubic hair and his smooth sac hanging long underneath his cock.
"Hey, you want to go get something to eat; I'm starving" Keith asked breaking Sean out of his reflections.
"Yeah...sure, I could eat something."
After his exam on Friday Sean raced to his dorm room and threw some clothes and toiletries in his bag and left a note to Keith he had decided to go home for the weekend. It was a lie, but he couldn't admit he was going to Atlanta. He was going there to hook up, to find a guy to take him, to make him suck dick and take it up the ass and he hoped it hurt, made him loose this sense of it being sexual and make him not feel gay; make him want to be straight. He thought if it was unpleasant, somehow repulsive, he could make himself stop having those thoughts, and he could become the guy he was suppose to be.
He had a room at a cheap motel on the edge of the city and after checking in he took off for Midtown. He drove around for a while finding the bars and clubs he had looked up online and then he found a place to eat, someplace he wouldn't feel weird eating alone. His stomach was tied in such knots he ate little and after checking his cell phone for the time a dozen times he finally left to go to a bar.
The bar was busy, the large windows facing the street allowed Sean to look in and see the guys sitting around the bar and along the perimeter, some in groups and some alone, their eyes scanning the room. Sean knew he was underage, and had to be banded as such, making him feel more self-conscious, but he took a deep breath and approached the guy at the door, holding out his driver's license. Stamped and band around his wrist he entered through the open door and into the chatter of many voices and music playing. He saw how the guys looked at him, smiling at him, their eyes scanning him up and down and several nodded at him looking for a response but Sean kept diverting his eyes, tried not to look at any one person too long. At the bar he ordered a soda, flipped a few bills on the bar and made his way around the room. The guys in the bar eyed him as he moved around the room and Sean suddenly felt uncomfortable. He found a table in the back corner empty and he sat down sipping his drink. Most of the guys who approached were too forward, flirted in a way that made Sean anxious and one by one, in one way or another, he made them walk away. Then Phillip approached.
Phillip lived in one of the newer high rise condominium projects in Midtown, his view toward downtown spectacular. He got Sean a beer and the two of them moved into the living area and when Sean sat on the sofa Phillip sat down next to him. Sean pushed Phillip wanting Phillip to make a move and be rough with him, make him not like this sex between men but Phillip was gentle, his arm on the back of the sofa massaging Sean's neck as he talked, what was said Sean wouldn't even remember.
Phillip eased up next to Sean, kissed him on the neck, his lips moving over the skin feeling the stubble coming in till he was at Sean's ear, rimming it with his tongue. Sean fought to control his feelings and he struggled to control his response but when Phillip's hand came to rest on his chest, rubbed up and down over him then moved down, tugged his shirt tail out of his jeans and slid back up his stomach and chest underneath, Sean gasped for breath, the touch warm and caressing. He wanted to be disgusted, to hate what was happening, but it felt good. Phillip unbuttoned Sean's shirt and let if fall open as he moved to Sean's chest, bringing his mouth to the right nipple, tonguing it till he felt it grow erect and he nipped it with his teeth. Sean moaned loudly and ran his hands over Phillip's head feeling his short hair slide between his fingers.
Phillip pushed Sean over on the sofa till he was lying on his back. He moved down Sean's chest, over his stomach and to the bulging crotch where he mouthed Sean's erection trapped in his jeans. It was happening too fast, Sean's mind wouldn't focus on his attempt to fight his desire and when Phillip had his jeans opened up and was tugging his boxers and jeans downward Sean raised his ass letting Phillip pulled them down his legs. His cock sprang out fully erect, his arousal so obvious, so embarrassingly on display but he couldn't stop himself, nor could he stop Phillip as he felt his cock sink into Phillip's mouth. Sean pushed upward trying to bury all of his cock into the warm slick mouth.
Sean's mind was racing with his conflict, trying hard to tell himself he didn't like what was happening, but when Phillip pushed his mouth all the way down his erection and pinched his nipples at the same time he cried out as he took Phillip's head in his hands and pumped his cock up and down a few times. Sean closed his eyes as he suddenly found himself relaxed, giving in to his desires. How long Phillip manipulated his cock, sucked it, stroked it with his fist while tugging on his sac he didn't know but he soon realized his shoes and socks were off and Phillip was tugging his jeans and boxers off. Only his open shirt remained and the loose shirt raked over his chest, the light caress over his skin making his nakedness feel even better.
Sean felt Phillip's fingers trailed down below his balls, felt them probe him and he raised his knees and spread them apart giving him access, letting Phillip touch him, probe his opening and eventually penetrate him. First with one finger, then two, and finally three Phillip bore into him, penetrated him, stretched him open and he cried out as he pushed his ass down on those fingers buried in his hole.
"Fuck..." echoed in the room as Sean felt his hole loosen; "fuck me Phillip...fuck me."
Sean felt his legs being raised, pushed back spreading him open and he felt Phillip press his cock to his hole, push against it then with a thrust of his hips breach the tight opening and penetrate. Phillip pushed his cock into Sean slowly, inch by inch until he had most of his cock sunk into him.
Sean felt the heat of his own body, the way his heart was racing, his breathing ragged as he took Phillip's fuck, the way he could feel Phillip's cock pump through his hole, stoking him on the inside in a way he couldn't have imagined and he wrapped his arms around Phillip's body feeling the warm slick skin, hot with its exertion and he pulled Phillip down on his body.
"Fuck me...fuck me hard" Sean begged Phillip and Phillip pressed his mouth to Sean's and drove his hips harder, faster, making Sean grunt and moan with every deep penetration.
It felt good and Sean knew it felt right too, and he laid back and took Phillip's fuck, let every move of their bodies carry him along and he reached down and took his own cock, hard, the head wet and slick and he stroked it to Phillip's rhythm, the fast thrusts of his hips and it only took a few strokes. Sean felt his body tense up tight, felt his body shiver beneath Phillip as he felt the surge of cum through his shaft, then he felt his cock flex hard in his fist as he pumped out his cum, wad after wad spattered out between Phillip and him as Phillip bore down on him with short jabbing thrusts.
"Fuck...I'm coming" Phillip cried out as he pumped his load deep into Sean.
Sean made it back to the dorm on Sunday and went inside leaving the door open. He tossed his bag on the bed and sat in his chair with his hands folded in front of him and his legs stretched out as he just stared out the window, his mind circling tighter and tighter to the reality of his situation and the fact he enjoyed the sex with Phillip. The way Phillip caressed him, the way he laid him back on the sofa and was soon penetrating him and he had liked it...no he loved it. And he loved it when they did it again in bed and then Saturday morning when Sean watched Phillip ease his ass down over the hard cock Sean held up, watching it disappear into Phillip's hole.
How long he sat there staring out the window he didn't know but the sun was dipping down below the buildings across the commons and soon it would be dusk. Sean heard voices in the hall and as they got near he recognized it as Jacob and his roommate, Bill. As they passed Sean turned, catching a glimpse of the two of them.
"Jacob!" Sean yelled out and he heard Jacob tell Bill he'd see him later. Jacob came to the open door and looked in at Sean who was turned facing the door.
"Hey..." Sean began, leaning forward looking down for a brief moment, then back up at Jacob, and he smiled, "...I was wondering if you'd like to do something sometime...maybe go grab something to eat...or do a movie...or something?"