So here I am. lost, afraid, hurt all at once... it wasn't this way about a week ago. I admit. I am the one who caused this much pain. It all could have been avoided but I guess that you need to be there to truly understand.
Kevin Gregory. My boyfriend, the love of my life. Tall slender body shape, with eyes that could cut diamonds, a smile that could melt the sun and pain that could make you cry. Now he was 6'1" which was great since I don't like being the one in control, Average to slightly muscular body type. jet black hair and startling brown eyes. Now I too have features that would make persons stop and stare. But he was still more attractive though. I stand at 5'10" well built when compared to Kevin, with rusty brown hair. My eyes a dark brown. With a sweet five o clock shadow with which I always keep lined and trimmed. But the stubble is still visible. I am always the life of the party. The one who makes everyone feel better. My volunteering changed my persona from being antisocial, to the exact opposite. that made it really easy for persons to confide in me and to just... talk without a worry in the world. Well Kevin is really polite and more enclosed, he does not show all of his emotions and is rather quiet,b but he has a history contrary to his personality. Now I am 18 and Kevin is 22. I know that the gap is a little large but I believed that it could work. After all this was my first relationship and I didn't want to screw it up so I tried and I compromised.
Kevin is an accountant at a law firm here in the city. I am a college student at the highest school in this part of my continental plate, studying Environmental Science. I know that we were from different worlds but i figured opposites attract.
Kevin was awesome. On the first date we made out, the second date we had sex... Now before I Describe to you the second date, there is something that you must know about me. I do not believe in Anal sex. Either to receive or to give. Its been like that for a long time with me and till to date, I don't know why. So where the sex was concerned. It was only orals, but I could only hope, that he did. I did try to go ahead with it but... I couldn't find myself penetrating him nor him penetrating me.
So we spent every Weekend together, Talked and things were great. The only problem I had was that he was too Closeted. Its not my place to ask him to be a little more opened but I still felt denied and deprived of Love. I mean. I am not saying that I am not closeted, but I was willing to give up my shell for him... After all, Closets are for clothes. But I respected it. But it was getting too overbearing for me so I asked him about it. He said he was doing it for my own protection. I was young and too Naive to understand. I thought that was a load of bull, so I tried little by little to stop loving him. I knew the end was approaching. As much as I didn't like it. That too, I had to accept. I swallowed Hard, holding back my emotions. As young as I am, I was the matured one. My friends look up to me as both a role model and a personal adviser. I can't just break down. I know I am human too. But my self esteem wouldn't permit me to lose it.
Soon the texts got lesser and lesser... He had tennis practice and his sick Aunt to attend to... and we were slowly but surly drifting. I decided to pop the questions "are we working, and is it worth it?" My heart grieved, and it almost killed me to type them. I knew what was gonna be the response.
"maybe we need some time apart, to sort out our issues, we have commitment problems. We could wait and in that period we could remain friends"
Needles went through my heart. The air was going. But I kept strong and agreed.
He said that we could still see each other on Sundays when he has the time.
"yeah sure, that would be nice"
I lied. I didn't want him to know how vulnerable I was, and the pain I was going through. He asked me not to cry or be sad or anything. But that was like him shooting me then expecting me not to bleed.
We switch to small chat, the type that 'friends' do, Immediately after. I laughed in the text, but Died in the flesh.
2 am passes by, and the tears are still not flowing, my chest burns. I couldn't find sleep. I knew what I had to do.
I sent him a "Four paged Letter". Explaining how I felt. The pain, the emotional torment and the eyes that refused to permit the rain. I told him that we could not be friends or ... anything else. That I want him to be happy, even if I will be out of your life. We should part ways. At that point, I thought that the tears would be ready. But they didn't show.
So I blocked off all possible means of contact he has to me. Not because I was angry, but because I didn't want to feel the pain I was going through anymore. I did everything knowing that he would be asleep and no possible means of changing that. Then the grieving process began. I didn't cry, Was just sad. I tried my best to mask the emotions, but my close friends penetrated my facade. we were standing in the hallway at school. I tried my utmost best to try and convincing them otherwise, but In the end, I was actually trying to convince myself. I stopped all my social activities but there was this one guy who was bold enough to actually come out and ask
"what the hell is wrong with you?"
As familiar as he may seem, he wasn't. It was Michael. Now Michael is what we call potentially popular. He has the looks, sport jock, Muscular. But his problem was that he wasn't social. Spoke to persons when he felt like, and when aggravated, he fights. Now he may be considered a bully, that was if he actually used t start the trouble.
"who are you and what gives you the right to just come at me like that?" I snarled back. At this point in time, my emotions were all over the place.
He looked back at me phlegmatic as ever and repeated his question.
Enraged I got up and with one sudden movement I tried to push him off, he grabbed my shirt and used it as a balance and to push me into the wall. At that time his eyes burned with hatred and I mine went cold and afraid of what he would do next. Everyone in the hallway was staring at us. I could feel the heat building between us, then he let go, and walked off. Then this awful feeling came over me. My eyes were wet, without words or sobs. The tears flowed. They actually flowed. In the presence of everyone. Friends, strangers, hell even the janitor. I walked away, tears flowing. Like a mindless zombie. I was shocked that it happened now, here and at what brought it on. I went home and luckily no one was there. I live with my mom and younger brother. Dad is alive but he moved after the divorce.
I went up the stairs to my room sat on my bed and thought about what happened, why it happened, and what I was gonna do about it.
Michael released something which I didn't even know could come out. The stress and tension which build up, was finally out. The thought of Kevin actually brought on the sobs. I was now genuinely Crying. I cried until I feel asleep.
I woke up at around 11, had to take a leak. when I got back to the bed I checked my phone and I saw a message. It was Sasha. She told me that Kevin was trying to reach me ( Sasha is a close friend from school, of whom I introduced Kevin to.)
"Okay could you kindly pass this message to him, No euphemism. 'Fuck off' and 'quit bugging me, I blocked you for a reason' thank you :) " she replied "k".
I didn't want to feel pain anymore. I have the will to move on now, and I wont let go. Time to sleep and grow.
I woke up to the hustle and bustle in the kitchen, the tumbling of pots and pans to get breakfast ready.
"Sorry kayle, your brother and I went to visit your aunt and we lost track of time, late morning, you know the drill. I smiled and rolled my eyes, my mom doesn't know that I'm gay. Infact No family member does. They are extreme homophobes, and would kill me if they knew. My mom had her suspicions but I used my best friend as a mask. She was my "pretend" girlfriend.
So I ate, took a bath and was on my way to school in one of those old nze carina's. It was in good condition, just the model was not made this century.
I greeted my friends as usual. They noticed that the light in my eyes were slowly returning and that I was becoming myself again. But before I caught up with them, I knew that there was something I had to do first. I went through the Hallways looking but not finding. The cafeteria, still nothing. I went at the back of the school saw a couple making out, then I finally found him. Michael there pulling a Joint. I mustered the courage to go up to talk to him, Took a deep breath then exhaled.
"Hey Michael, I'm sorry about yesterday. I was bit hurt and I kinda lashed out on you. You relieved a pain inside " I said Fumbling for words.
He kept on pulling the joint, then he pulled it out, exhaled the smoke to my face, then walked away. Like I wasn't there.
Okay, now I was pissed. I was going to walk up to him and try the push stunt again, but I held back.
The bell rang, and everyone was rushing for their classes. I followed suit. Biology was as boring as our professor. Geography had it's perks but my mood wasn't up to it. The day went long. But the last thing on the list was gym. I figured that I would vent all my frustrations into working out to attain some sort of relief. Was working so hard that I lost track of time and before i knew it there was no one there.
I was tired and I decided to wrap up, then I was shocked to see who was coming out of the showers draped in his towel. Yes it was Michael. I knew he was sexy but not that sexy. The Guy's hair was dark, cut short and he had an amazing tattoo which highlighted his packs, He was taller than me... but not by much. He was dry... except his hair.
I made a final attempt to ask him how did he feel about what I said, rage building. He just give his phlegmatic look and walked away. Okay I wasn't going to take that likely this time. So as he passed I grabbed onto him and in a sudden movement pun him around.
"Now look I've had it up to...." I was saying then I was cut.
"No you fucking listen to me" he said as he pinned me to the wall.
"Not because I asked you what's going on means I care, It just means that I was curious to know how you changed liked that."
He splured only inches away from my lips. His towel dropped. He looked at me intensely. I don't know who it happened but I kissed him. For a second seconds he closed his eyes and kissed back. Then he threw me to the floor and yelled.
"I'M NOT A FUCKING QUEER" he went off, turning quickly, not even picking his towel from off the floor. I know that he kissed back, but have a hunch that he had a boner. but i dunno. Maybe it was all in My head. I'm still messed up.
I Gotta clear my head, think.