Learning to love Cock

I know this will sound crazy given the story I'm about to tell, but I also know I'm not the only one that feels this way. I've seen a thousand posts and stories regarding the same thing, so I know it's a thing and I'm not crazy.

Here's the thing. I'm not gay. And no, I don't think there's anything wrong with being gay. I'm not necessarily ashamed of what I've done, but I also have lived in this world long enough to know that most people don't understand and labels can become weapons. Either way, with the men I know, they don't mind I consider myself straight (in fact I think most of them wanted it more), but if for your peace of mind, you need to consider me "gay" so be it.

I grew up in the midwest. Straight. Protestant. White. Male. That was literally the only boxes you could check as someone growing up as I did. I was taught "gay" was a sin and "gays" were going to hell. Sounds crazy I know, but this was the 1990s-2000s. Different time. I mean, Jesus, "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" was REVOLUTIONARY television for the people I grew up with and was around, and to be completely honest, thought the show was a quick way to Hell.

The most ironic/crazy part of growing up like this, is that the "No" factor becomes so strong it almost becomes a kink. And the thing about kinks is they're almost like weeds. Not the negative connotation of the word, but the simple fact that as much as you try to kill them, they keep coming back stronger and stronger.

I made it to at least college before my "kink" surfaced. Even then, I would have thrown around dumbass and ignorant terms like "gay" and "fag". I'm ashamed of it now, but back then? It was par for the course.

So, let me tell you how this straight, bible thumping, white, homophobic, male, found his way to getting fucked in the ass.

It started with ecstacy. A drug, I know, but sometimes we need chemicals to reduce our inhibitions, so that we might experience all of life has to offer. Is that ridiculous? 100%. And yet, the conditioning of our past can have long lasting and idiotic affects in our future.

We were at a party (not the most original beginning I know). I was drunk. We all were. And our neighbour offered us "X". I know this will seem like a cop out, but I initially held out. Drugs were bad, and though alcohol was a drug, we as white Americans don't believe it to be so. Still, as every one of my friends succumbed, I eventually caved in.

First things first, and I accept this is a personal choice, but I recommend everyone at least try "drugs".  They're amazing, and will lead you unto paths you wouldn't otherwise go. I've found this to be true of almost every drug I've tried. Yes, people will abuse them, but people will abuse anything that brings pleasure. 

For me, it was sensational. I can't even explain how great I felt. It was almost like I could feel the music in my veins. However, as parties go, I found myself attached to a group of people and we started navigating our ways to other parties.

Long story short, I ended up with our neighbour without any of our friends, and when everyone else was dying down, we took more "X". Somehow we got back to his house, just me and him, and started watching porn. It was straight porn, but I was so into it I never even realised when he started sucking my dick. I didn't cum (because somehow ironically it's almost impossible to cum while rolling), but I somehow loved watching him do it. Unfortunately, my girlfriend at the time, found us (thank God the door was locked), and I had to leave before anything else happened, but that was the beginning of the end.

When I was sober I was ashamed and did my best to ignore the guy, but every time I got a buzz (and was alone), I would start watching "blowjob" porn. Somehow, probably subconsciously, I found my way to "MMF" porn. It started out with 2 men fuckings 1 girl, but eventually I saw a man sucking another man's cock. 

I can't explain it, but I wanted to try it. Which was crazy. These "gay" fuckers were going to Hell, but I started visializing myself as one of them. What it would be to taste a cock. I couldn't stop thinking about it.

As an accident, a girl I was with, showed me Craigslist, and I can't tell you the amount of hours I jerked off to men just thinking about being with other men. After a lil bit, I even made posts wanting to try myself. Yes, the fucked up part was, I never intented to follow through (Sorry Fellas I led on). I just wanted to know men wanted me too.

My first time was after a night of partying. I was home with my girlfriend, but she had passed out, and I went searching for porn...and as a lot of us know porn wouldn't do it anymore. I found a guy that would come to me. I told him I couldn't host and he said he had a van and we could do it there. I told him yes and gave him an address a street over. I was so nervous, I showered, took a few shots, and walked to the park I told him to meet me. 

There was literally only one car parked. It was a minivan. I walked to it and saw a man jerking off in the front seat. Not going to lie. Almost left. But I wanted it that bad. So he opened his side door like minivans do nowadays, and I got in the back

A lot of things happened. I can't remember everything. He was hard and pulled my hand to his cock. I remember thinking "Holy fuck, I'm touching a cock". I stroked him for a few and he said "It's time". He was so hard. I don't even remember what he looks like, but he was so hard. He asked if I wanted a taste, and I just went for it.

The problem with cocks is they get so hard but put them in your mouth? It feels different than imagined. And honestly, I might have pulled away save for the fact he started cumming 30 seconds later. It was not the best experience. And it ended up with me running out of the car with cum dripping out of my mouth. 

Most stories would stop there. I was curious, though. I experimented. I sucked a cock. And granted it didn't last that long, but I tasted another man's cum. The insanely stupid part of it was it made me a "whore", and somewhere in my head I wanted to be a whore. I wanted to be treated like a whore.

And so I sucked a few more, but it never fulfilled the desire. At best, it just pushed it back a little ways. And here's the craziest dumbest most ironic part of all of this is: I was so ashamed of being "gay" that I wanted to be gay. Not attracted to men, mind you, but use me like a dirty whore. And so I offered the last thing I had left.

The porn I watched went from blowjobs to "Sketchy Sex". And somehow, this striaght mother fucker with a dumb ass "gay" kink who let his dick be sucked, and started sucking cocks, was offering his ass. Not because he wanted it. Because I wanted to be a little whore. Fucked up? I know.

A few tried. Which was crazy to me. I thought you gay men had it down. But after cock-sucking, the first few couldn't even put it in me. And finally I found someone that could...but his cock was too big. Fucked up, right?

I gave up for a time. I was too scared, but we all know how kinks go. Eventually, I found my way back. I was drunk as fuck one night and offered it. A guy came over, and I sucked him till he was hard, but he gave up and tore off his condom. I was about to go to bed, but a guy getting up for work said he wanted to come over. I was so drunk, I said "Okay".

He came over. An older guy. Attractive, I guess. I was too drunk and couldn't get off the couch. I honestly didn't see it happening anyway, but he came over and got naked. His cock was hard as a rock. 

I don't remember much, though I wish I did, but he talked dirty to me and played with my ass, until I realised he was inside me. I felt him. I felt his balls on the side of my ass. And he just kept thrusting. I'm not going to lie, he barebacked me because I was too drunk to stop him, but his cum leaking out of my ass was one of the hottest things I ever imagined.

And I finally found my Daddy.