How I broke my own heart - A true tale

I wished I could wake up to a reality where the last 13 months could be just a dream. I'd wake up to your call and tonight hear you say that you love me without letting the words slip past your lips. I adored you. Your confidence, your strength and even your weaknesses. 

I won't be the first to write on what it feels to be taken for granted... nor will I be the last. 

This is my part of the story that we once shared. I wish you could read it because only here would you be able to tell how I really feel. How it feels to fall in love with someone whose faith says that you cannot love me the way I love you. I may be crazy but I knew from the start that I could never have you to call my own. Yet I was at your mercy, my heart obeyed your every command and the sad thing is .... you knew it. You knew that every time I hear your name, I skip a breath.... I say breath because time pauses around me and for just a second... I can feel you with me . I knew the dangers but I kept on because you gave me a high I've never felt before. Drugs would blush at the damage that you've done to me. My heart has a hole in the shape of the print of your fingertips.... the fingers that slide through my hair, slide between my hands... that slid on my hard pulsating cock.  

Your lips.... was the forbidden fruit... I kissed you even though it was for a second. Everything became real. Your faith became known. That was your kryptonite and it became mine in time. How many times have you made me look in the mirror to question whether I was good enough? How many times did you get me jealous by flirting with other guys. Was I obsessed? Yes. Was I paranoid? Just as much as you were. I liked your crazy.  You were the only person to make me feel normal.

Love isn't strong enough to describe what we had, or at least what I thought was there. We sacrificed, we hid, and we were happy. But only as your secret could I exist in your life. I knew I deserved better but why give up the best for better? The best. That's you. 

I'm Kayle. Standing at 5'11 blonde hair, scruffy , medium builteasy on the eyes and hard on the books. He's Adam. Stands at 5'2" slender and hard on the looks and the books. It's fair to say that he wasn't my type. He was more outgoing. A bit too effeminate for my liking (or so I thought back then) and self conflicted. 

We met at work. I made a joke and he laughed. It was almost as if we were positioned just at the right place, the right moment and the right pair of hearts. You wanted to test me out, I saw your game, I played it just because I knew that you had nothing to offer... to interest me. That is until I saw your pain, I saw your psycho I saw your strength to rise above it all and I saw you get lost between the clouds of what you really are. But how can your identity block your individualism? Fuck... you were the puzzle that I never solved. 

"Kayle, what are you doing after work on friday?"  He said with a smirk. The smirk which brought me to my knees begging for this feeling to stop. 

"Nothing do you have anything planned for me?" I shot back.

"Hmm, would you do karaoke?" He grinned. 

Now I'm confused, I do not look like the singing type. Why would you throw that bone and expect me to bite? The real question is how did you manage to get me on stage. Even in the beginning I was a slave to your love. Probably still am but you will never see me show it.  At least not again. 

"So we're in love but the heart ache builds up inside... and whose the one youre sleeping with instead of me tonight" he sang. So sweet... his voice was nothing short of angelic. Honestly I think that was where and when the first shackle was placed.  You didn't just sing the song. You felt it. You made me feel it. With each note my heart copied the lyrics and honed it as its own. I was warm. In my 24 years on think he his earth.  I felt warm. As much as I hate to admit it. I had a boyfriend of 2 years. He's a model, everything that I could ever wanted, he draws, he was in the process of making himself more qualified than he has ever been. Picture perfect we were. That is until you came into the picture. 

I hated myself for falling in love with you. I hated myself for loving someone other than the man who actually made me happy. Puzzled and in a maze trying to figure out my emotions, my energies and why they were all suddenly being directed back to you I cannot explain. Even 4 years later I still couldn't explain what you had done to me. 

I turned to God to ask him to kill my emotions for you. I was at my wits end. I did counselling. 

I even tried to blackmail God by saying that he needs to remove these feelings from me because it's for a servant of his. Imagine being that pathetic or that desperate to feel nothing for someone who made you feel like you were everything. 

We chatted more, we even exchanged numbers, I asked if you were gay, you said no.  You're not that type of person. I was hurt. But then I saw the silver lining as I was already in a relationship and that too well invested. You always knew how to be an escape from my world and I entered what can only be deemed as your paradise. I was not safe but it felt so right to be there. To be with you. You felt my energy and you responded to it. You bought me gifts, made sure I ate and always ensured that I was safely nestled at home whenever I wasn't at work.

You wanted me to end my relationship . I felt it. I felt it everytime you tried to remove my ring, remove my necklace. Every time your eyes rolled back at the sound of my Boyfriends name, Brad. 

The tricky thing is that we all work for the same firm. My boyfriend could pop up at anytime I catch us. The strangest thing it's that it only made me harder not afraid. It made him crazier. I loved it. His crazy was the mirror of my internal reflections.  Reflections that could never see the real world.  

Until you were on my desk with me between your legs... my lips caressing your neck because that was as far and you let me go. I wanted more but you were already dishing out more than I could handle.  I felt your nails sink into the back of my neck. I didn't care. All I knew is that I wanted you. All of you.... or all that you could give me. Until the knock on the door changed our lives forever....

To be continued.