Grandparents' Farm

Clearing cedar trees from an area to use them as fence posts is not an easy task. I was in an area of several acres on the west end of my grandfather’s farm. The cedar trees were choking out the oaks, but my grandfather didn’t have the tools to remove them. I had almost mastered the chain saw I’d borrowed from Travis' father Steve. Trimming the branches from the trunk was arduous. I was stacking them in an area that Travis and I could access later to shred them into mulch. Later, I would cut down the trunks and stack them on a trailer so we could use them as fencing. I didn’t have enough practice with the bulldozer attachment on the tractor to pull out the stumps. I’d seen this done before, and the oak trees seemed to get an extra burst of life once the cedars were gone.

Even though I was still working on my grandfather’s farm, Travis and I were living in a travel trailer on his parents’ farm. It gave us privacy; I still got to see my grandparents almost every day. Travis was indifferent to the change. He got up and went to work every morning; sometimes he came home for lunch, but he was always home for dinner. We ate, cleaned up, and read or watched TV like a normal couple. We made love almost every night; in fact, unless one of us was exhausted and fell asleep early, we were naked together in bed-sharing ourselves.

I’d been working in the cedar tree area for about a week when I noticed a car that looked like that of my parents as I walked back to the house at the end of the day. I planned to walk on to our trailer. I poked my head inside to say hello to my grandparents; my grandmother called me in. I found my father sitting at the kitchen table. Three months prior, I would have hugged him, but I was still angry about losing my college fund. I was happy the way things turned out, but in the back of my mind, I was wondering whether I should try to get a degree in agricultural engineering.

“Where’s mom?”

Everyone in the room stopped moving.

Fuck. I felt myself tremble; my teeth clenched together.

“She’s not dead, Kaleb. Dammit, why do you have to go to the worst possible scenario?”

I noticed both my grandparents look away.

Fuck you, I thought. Who brought me up that way?

“Your mom’s not here, and she’s not coming. The company went totally under, and she left me. I’m here to get the pieces of my life back together. Mom and Dad tell me that you’re not staying here.”

“That’s right.” I pondered for a split second, but he didn’t deserve a gentle delivery. “Travis and I are living together. Your screwing everything up actually brought the two of us together. So, thank you.”

“The two of you…” he started.

My grandmother stood up. “He’s gay. He’s in love. Everyone should be so honest.” She walked over to the counter. “Kaleb? Are you staying for dinner?”

“No, Grandma, Mrs. Patterson is making dinner tonight. Travis and his dad are working on some farm. Fleet, is it?”

“Yeah,” said my grandfather. “Fleet’s place.”

“So they won’t be back until almost eight. I planned to keep working later, but I just ran out of juice. I think I’ll be heading home. I’ll be back tomorrow.”

“Stop by and pick me up on your way,” said my dad. “I’ll help you with it. I want to head into town after lunch, and I want you to go with me.”

I saw my grandfather shake his head just a little.

I was trapped. “Only if we get done what I have targeted for tomorrow,” I said. I went over to kiss my grandmother on her cheek. “Thanks,” I whispered. I stopped at my grandfather and kissed him on the top of the head. “See you tomorrow.” I nodded my head at my father. “Dad.”

“I’ll walk you out,” he replied. He said nothing else until we were outside. “Son, I know you’re mad at me, and I did some stupid things. I was honestly trying to make things better for us, but I screwed up.”

I turned to look at him. I could tell he had tears in his eyes.

“Fuck, Dad. Don’t do that. I don’t hate you, but you need to let me work out my anger.” I saw him shake his head. I went over and hugged him.

“You love him?” he asked.

“Yeah. I do,” I replied.

“Then I’m happy for you.” With that, he turned and walked inside.

I turned and walked home. I was glad when I got to the trailer and could take a shower, even if it was in the little microtub. I had decided that no matter how long I spent thinking about it, I was never going to understand my dad.

Working with my dad was not as difficult as I had imagined. He asked me about my plan and asked if we could take turns using the chainsaw. Things went smoothly. He was faster at using it than I was, and I was able to carry off the branches and keep up with him. By lunchtime we were ahead of my schedule, so we headed back to the house to wash up, eat a little, and head into town. I brought a clean t-shirt and some shorts. My sandals were still upstairs in the bedroom with a few of my other belongings, so I grabbed them and was ready to go.

We hadn’t said much while working, and during the ride to town, my dad told me he was going to look for a job, starting with this town and moving out. He said he didn’t really want to live at the farm.

“I’m not sure what kind of job I can get; I’m not sure what’s available, but I do know that I don’t want to live in my old room. I know you’re not living there now, but do you want to live there in the future? Your grandparents are not leaving the farm to me. They’ll either sell it or give it to you. You know that, right?”

“No. I don’t know that. Travis heard that they were going to sell it, maybe keep the house for themselves, but Grandpa hasn’t said anything like that to me.”

“No?” My father moved his head around as he checked traffic, then he turned on Lemon Street. “Well, your falling in love and staying to work on the farm may have had him rethink things.”

“At this point, I’m happy with the way things are. I just need time for everything to settle.” I sighed.

“Things may never settle, Kaleb.” The car turned onto Emory Lane, a four-lane road that used to be the main road in Chutney. “Be prepared for life to throw its curveballs at… Holy Fuck! Is that Jacob?”

“Who?”

“Jacob Patterson.” My dad slowed the car.

I looked and saw someone go into Pete’s Bar. The ‘and grill’ part was in tiny letters. The place looked a little seedy. I didn’t remember it from the few times I’d been in town when I was younger.

Suddenly, the car u-turned, and we pulled into a parking space in front of the bar. “You stay in the car.” My father got out and walked to the door. I got out and stood by the car door. He was too occupied to notice. That just piqued my curiosity further. I let my father go inside, then I walked to the door. As another two guys went inside, I slipped in with them.

It was dark inside, but I saw my dad walk up to someone at the counter. The man pointed to the side, and he and my father disappeared into another room. I took a deep breath and walked toward the same doorway as though I owned the place. I heard a woman helping the men whom I had come in with.

At the doorway, I was cautious as I entered. I could hear a man say, “This way.” I could tell they were walking away from me even though they were not within my view. There were too many boxes and shelves. I moved closer but was still hidden from their view.

“I still cannot believe it,” said my father. “I was told you’d left.”

“I did leave,” said the other man.

I saw my father bend his head forward and put his head on the other man’s chest. “Oh, Jacob.”

“Don’t. Don’t do that.”

“I’m sorry; it’s just that… I don’t know. I never thought I’d see you again, and here you are, and these feelings.”

“What feelings? It’s been almost 20 years.”

“Maybe I killed your feelings for me, but seeing you again, it’s unburied the feelings I had for you.”

“Teddy.”

I’d never heard anyone call my father Teddy.

“I should get back to work, and you never killed any feelings.”

“Don’t go yet, Jacob. I… I need to talk some more.”

“This isn’t fair, Teddy. Seeing you again…”

I saw my father lean forward and kiss him. I wasn’t sure what to think, or perhaps, more honestly, I didn’t want to admit what I was thinking. My dad had just kissed a guy that I was sure was Travis uncle, the gay uncle who had left town.

“Oh, fuck, Teddy, you could always drive me crazy.”

“Wait until I start sucking that wonderful cock of yours.”

“Not here.”

“Yes, here, just a taste.”

I saw my father get down and unbuckle the man’s pants. I heard slurping sounds.”

“That’s too much. Please, Teddy, stop before I come.”

My father stood back up. “I can wait, Jacob. Now that I’m standing next to you again, I want more than just sucking your cock.”

Jacob’s voice was barely a whisper. “No, Teddy. Take your hand away from there; you’re gonna make me cum. I’ve got to work. Oh, fuck, Teddy.”

I was sure his voice sounded as though he were tearing up.

“Dammit. I still love you. I’ve never stopped.”

“I love you, too, Jacob. I’m realizing that now. But I need you to know that things had to happen that way.”

“Are you talking about your son? I’ve heard people talking. They say he's a damn hard worker and a decent kid.”

“He is. You know how much I wanted kids. Well, I got a great one. I haven’t done right by him, but he’s a fan-fucking-tastic man. And he’s in love with your nephew.”

“You passed him the fag gene, huh?”

I heard both of them chuckle as I slipped back out. There were more people in the bar, and in the dimly lit room, I was able to get back out to the truck.

I was standing next to the truck when my dad came out. I was still going over everything I’d heard in my head. Did my mother know? I knew she’d been unhappy with the way he’d handled things, but this was big. Plus, I needed to make sure to remind myself that it wasn’t my problem; it was theirs.

“Hop back in,” he called to me as he neared the truck.

I got in. “So, was it Jacob Patterson?”

“What?” He seemed surprised that I knew that name.

“You said you thought you saw Jacob Patterson,” I reminded him.

He looked at me. Guilt was written all over his face. It was the way a parent knows a child’s been in the cookie jar despite the denials. “Yes.” His voice cracked. “It was Jacob.”

“But I thought Jacob left town after he had a fight with his brother. Travis told me so.”

“I guess he came back.”

I kept looking at my father. Part of me felt sorry for him. At that moment, Jacob came out of the bar and looked around. He walked right toward the truck. My dad’s face blanched. He rolled down the window as Jacob drew near.

“Here’s my address and my number,” he said as he thrust forward a small card. Then he realized I was there.

My dad stumbled with his words. “This is my son Kaleb.”

“Nice to meet you,” I said. “Travis has talked about you. He misses you; so does his dad.”

Jacob stood motionless except for his eyes. They darted back and forth between me and my father.

“Son,” he began slowly. “I’m in love with Jacob.”

A smile formed on Jacob’s lips. “And I’m in love with your dad.”

“Yeah,” I nodded. “I can tell. Don’t you think it’s time to let everyone in on it?”