Another Hole

A few weeks after my encounter with the butcher, the head of my department called me into his office. He told me that reports indicated that my students were doing well, they enjoyed my classes and that he intended to recommend that I be asked to return for a second year.

I was surprised. First-year professors didn’t usually find out about returning until the early part of the spring semester. I thanked him, and he told me he wanted to talk a little about my personal life if I was comfortable with it. I had a feeling that he wanted to discuss my sexuality even though it was considered an off-limits topic.

I gave him permission to say whatever he had on his mind. I wanted things like that in the open instead of festering behind the scenes. He told me he had noted my lack of female companionship at parties and other events.  

I gave a very unemotional response. “I don’t date women, sir.”

His eyes told me he wanted more truth in my answer.

I continued. “I rarely date men, but when I do, it’s away from campus. I want to keep my personal life apart from my academic one.”

“I can appreciate that,” he said. “I hope I’m not overstepping here, but as I’ve gotten to know you better, I’ve wondered if you might be a match for my nephew Edward.”

A fix-up, interesting. “I see.”

“There’s no obligation; I haven’t said anything to him. He’s not out to anyone outside the family, well, except for some of his ‘friends’. He’s well educated, and he works for a subsidiary of Boeing. I have a picture of him if that will help you decide.”

“No, that’s ok. I’m willing to meet him and see if we hit it off. I’ve been wondering whether I should start seeing someone on a regular basis.” That last part was a stretch. I knew that the one-time-only rule was making me question myself. Perhaps I should find out what things are like on a second date. “Do you think he’d prefer calling me or should I call him?”

“Let me contact him and give him your number. I’ve always told him that if I found someone I thought he’d like, I’d check things out. Physically, from what he’s told me, you’re definitely his type.”

A few days later, my phone rang. It was Edward, and we set up a meeting. That Friday, he picked me up in front of my apartment, and we headed into town.  

“I know we talked some about where to go eat. Are you in the mood for anything special tonight?”

I turned toward him. His eyes were on the road; he glanced from time to time into the mirror and occasionally toward me, but his attention was on his driving. “You’re going to think this is weird, but I have a craving for a waffle and a spinach omelet.”

“I don’t think that’s crazy. I think more people should have breakfast for dinner.” He laughed. It was a nice laugh.

On the way to IHOP, we talked about his job. He didn’t talk too much, and he was interesting. I enjoyed myself. I didn’t have the urge to fuck him, and I wasn’t sure whether that was a good thing. I started to contemplate whether I should have that feeling now, or if it came later when guys were a couple. I really didn’t know any gay men who had successful relationships, but then I didn’t hang out with gay men.

“A penny for your thoughts.”

“Oh, I was just thinking that I like to talk to you. I think we could be good friends.”

“Yeah, but you aren’t interested in having sex with me, are you?”

I wasn’t sure how to respond.

“It’s ok. I’m not really feeling a romantic connection either, but you’re right, I do enjoy talking to you.”

We pulled into the restaurant parking lot, and as we neared the door, I said, “It’s my treat. I want to take my new friend to dinner.”

He laughed and opened the door for me. I opened the inner door for him. As we walked in, I put my arm around him. “I see a bright future for us.”

Edward stopped suddenly. He was looking at the man sitting on a bench by the door. “Hi, Doug.”

Doug didn’t say anything.

I don’t know what came over me, but I said, “Hi, Doug.”

Doug looked at me and then back at Edward. “Who’s your date, Eddy?”

I didn’t like the tone of his question. “I’m Jacob. Edward’s uncle set us up. Where’s your date, Doug?”

Doug glared at me for a few seconds. “He’ll be along any minute, I’m sure.”

I got very uncomfortable at that moment. The door behind us opened and a familiar face walked in. I couldn’t remember who it was, but I was sure I’d seen that face looking up at me.

The waitress walked up. “Four?”

Doug took the man by the arm. “We’re not with them.”

We were seated several booths away. I apologized to Edward. I told him I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t mean to out him.

“It’s OK, Jacob. I’ve wanted to tell him. We work together, and the truth is that I have feelings for him. Why did he seem so angry that I was with someone else?”

“He’s probably in love with you,” I said.  

“You think?” There seemed to be a glimmer of hope in his question.

“Who wouldn’t be, Edward? You’re obviously a great guy. Why don’t you go talk to him?”

“He’s on a date.”

It clicked. Doug was with Bryce, the guy in my contacts list, the one I’ve been tempted to text so many times. I decided that now was the time. “Go talk to him. I’m going to distract his date for you.” OK, that last part was a lie, I was going to distract him for me.

Edward got up and walked the long way around so that Doug would see his approach. I wondered what he would say, but Edward walked right past Doug’s table and to the restroom.

I sent Bryce a text. I saw Doug get up and walk to the restroom. I sent another text, ‘Come talk to me while our dates are in the restroom.’

Bryce came over to my table and sat across from me.

“How have you been doing?” I asked him. “I’ve thought a lot about you over these past few years.”

“I haven’t forgotten about you either,” he replied.

“I see that you’re dating guys.”

“Yeah, after you and… well, after that, I decided to talk to my wife about things. Before I was able to tell her, she told me that she had fallen out of love with me and wanted to date this guy from work. We got a divorce, and I’ve started to date.”

“There were a lot of times that I sat down to text you, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to disrupt your life, but I kept wondering.”

“Wondering what?”

“Whether there could be something between us,” I answered.

“I wondered that at first, too. But I wasn’t sure, and when I heard nothing from you, I realized that you were meant for someone else.”

Those words should have felt like a slap across the face, but they felt more like self-realization.

“After all this time, you are wondering about the two of us, are you?  I hope you weren’t using the idea of us to keep you from actually looking for someone to spend your life with.”

Had I? What did I want? Did I even know? I knew I wanted to go home. My head was spinning. I looked toward the restroom. They were gone for an awfully long time. “Bryce, will you take me home if Edward can’t.”

“No. You need to figure things out for yourself.  Know that you helped me.  And here's another little thing I learned, don't let what when before ruin what can be."

Had he looked into my soul?  What had I done to myself?

"Jacob, I hope for the best for you. Tell Doug that I went home.” He got up and left the restaurant. I headed for the bathroom.

I walked in and heard the two of them immediately hush. I went to the first stall and stood on the toilet seat to look over into the handicap stall. “I cannot believe you two are fucking in the IHOP bathroom.”

The two of them looked up in horror at me. “I expect you out at the table in sixty seconds or I’m telling the manager.” Bryce went home, by the way.

Thirty minutes later, I was at home. I hadn’t eaten, and I hadn’t been to the store since ruining that rib-eye. I headed out to the store. I was looking at some TV dinners when I decided that I should try another steak. I walked up to the meat counter. I couldn’t decide what to get. The selections just seemed to confuse me. I turned to go when I saw Brad pulling a cart of chickens behind him. He sure looked good.  A woman came up to him, and I saw him smile at her and point to the counter. He had such a great smile, and I remembered the way he kissed.

He looked in my direction and saw me. I smiled, but he didn’t smile back, but he approached me. “Are you finding everything?”

“No,” I answered. “But I’m getting close. How are you?”

I saw him clench his teeth. His supervisor called him. He started to turn.  

“What time do you get off?”

“This isn’t the place to do this,” his tone was flat.  He kept turning and walked away.

I thought for a moment and went to the flower department. I bought several bouquets and bundled them together. I went to the entrance of Apartment 5C and sat on the stoop. About 10 minutes later, it began to rain, and it was cold, but I thought about how I felt when I saw him again.  I wanted to be here when he got home.  It took another three hours before he showed up.

“How long have you been sitting there?” were the first words from his mouth.  “You look like a drowned rat.”

“I came straight here after seeing you.”

“It’s my night to close.  You could have frozen to death.  You’re a fucking idiot.” He opened the door. “Come on in.”

“You’re right,” I said looking into his face. I am an idiot, a fucking idiot.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for treating you like that; I’m sorry for leaving you like that. I’m sorry for not coming back. I want another chance to stay.”

Brad ran his fingers through my wet hair. “Take your clothes off and lay them over this chair.” He left and came back with a towel.  

“I see you got some more furniture,” I said.  “I thought you were a minimalist.”

“I am, but we needed someplace to sit and look at each other while we ate our meals.”

I looked at him, and I began to cry. He shushed me and held me. He didn’t understand then, but I told him later that the tears were a mix of happiness and of letting go. I had so much hatred and anger in me because of what Roger had done.  I had used sex without love or caring to keep people away.  But love had found a way to wiggle into my heart.

Brad put the flowers in a water pitcher and began to remove his clothes. We snuggled together in his bed. I felt the warmth of another human being. He kissed me; I kissed him. He touched me in places that I didn’t know I had; it felt as though I were being touched for the first time. He touched the tip of my penis and pulled pre-cum away and tasted it with his tongue. I did likewise, and the urge to feel him inside me grew.  

I had never felt that urge before, and I told him so. “I want to feel you inside me so bad, but I didn’t bring anything.”

Brad reached under the mattress and pulled up several packages of condoms.  "I got these for us."

“Really?"

“Well, I knew you were coming back.”