A summer wish

Story dedicated to Andy Bell

(Erasure band's singer)

The white seagulls make mournful noises. They fly overhead and drop with the wind with an amazing speed and grace. I look overhead and notice many of them flying aimlessly. They're not searching for food nor mating, I think. They appear to be just ‘strolling' around for a change of ‘air.'

Suddenly I feel alive again. I stand up and feel the tiny round pebbles piercing the soles of my feet. Though they're hurting me I don't care. I rush back to where I'd left my things. I gather my things in my canvas bag. Just then I see the bus coming in the distance. I wave and run, for they don't come here often. It stops. I climb it as fast as I can and pay the fare to the sleepy and sweaty bus conductor. Then I put my sandals and T-shirt on while still catching my breath. My feet still hurt, but I feel relieved to be seated. Just then I notice this man sitting beside me. I quickly glance at his bulgy small shorts, strong hairy legs, and medium belly. He is wearing a white shirt open at his chest; it reveals his forest of hair. Nice!

“Look how breathless I am from just running a bit! I guess I'm not used to running anymore.”

“If you're feeling breathless from running such a short distance, just imagine me at my old age!” He gives me a handsome and welcoming smile. He doesn't look old to me. “Besides, bus drivers hate retired people when they see us!” He emphasizes his last line and stares at the bus conductor and the driver. They in turn smile back to him.

“You're right. I'm terribly out of shape. Need to exercise more.” I look out the dirty window and see people still swimming and fishing at the distance.

“Do you come often to Guarapiranga Dam?” He asks.

“Well, yes. I've just learned about this lovely place recently. And you? By the way, I'm Ken.”

“I'm Mauro.” We shake hands. “I usually come here on Sundays in the afternoon. I prefer to come here by bus instead of driving.” He says while wiping his sweaty forehead. We reach the main avenue and about ten minutes later, the driver slams on the brakes and stops abruptly, followed by the crashing noise.

“Oh, dear! What happened?” Mauro stands up. “I think we've just ran over a motor biker.”

“That's terrible! I hope the ambulance will be here soon.” People gather around the fallen man. I look back and notice another bus. “Hey, we can take that bus, which goes the same way. Let's go!” I turn to the driver. “Hey, driver! Open this door! I'm not going to spend the rest of the afternoon watching accidents on the road!” The door opens. “Good, let's get that bus!” We get off and board the other bus.

“Looks like your bus ran over a biker, uh?” The bus conductor of the other bus says.

“It had to happen. We were at such high speed and those bikers ride quite recklessly. Anyway, the ambulance, well, it should have arrived. I wonder what's keeping them.” This time I turn around to look for an ambulance. “Have you seen any ambulances around?”

“No. Only the police. And lots of passersby around the victim.” Mauro answers. He's perspiring a lot. No wonder, this bus has no air-conditioning.

“Boy, it's surely hot in here.” I simply remove my T-shirt and dry my head and neck with it. “If the bus was moving, we'd get fresh air coming. Man, look at the traffic!”

“It's going to be a long bus ride, eh?” Mauro says, while wiping his bald head with a small handkerchief.

“With this traffic, all we've got to do is wait. And it's just a Saturday afternoon!” I try to open the window but it won't go. Mauro tries it too but it won't move an inch either. And Mauro is a strong man let me tell you. He sits back and also removes his white shirt. I gasp as I see his hairy body.

“This is all we need now. Hey, driver! This window is jammed!” The bus conductor comes and tries to open.

“It won't go. I'm sorry. Otherwise you'll break it.” He turns his back to us.

“Look, they're selling bottled water on the street!” I shout at the street seller and the boy who is carrying a large Styrofoam box comes. “Boy, here! I want two bottles!” I offer him the money and take the water bottles from a neighbor's window. “Here, this is for you.” I hand Mauro a bottle.

“Oh, thanks, Ken. I really needed that!” He smiles. Lovely cute smile!

“You're welcomed. Now we can bear this heat better. Here, to our safe return home.” We toast. Suddenly the bus begins to move again.

During our bus ride, Mauro is quite reticent and says little. I guess older guys are like that. They like to hear what younger guys say. In any case, he's a good listener and a hot “daddy.” He's single and is about to retire from university, where he teaches business. I tell him I work part-time at a make-shift studio, where we make copies of books, print-outs, banners, develop photos for weddings, etc. And in the evening, I try to earn some extras teaching English to private students. By the end of the month, after handing most of my earnings to my aunt, I barely have enough to eat a burger.

The bus finally arrives at the subway station, where we get off and take the subway. Mauro has to go the opposite way so we shake hands. I stare at this handsome hairy daddy disappear among the crowd. I really hope to meet him again tomorrow at the dam, if possible.

On the following day, in the middle of the afternoon I get off the bus in the same spot that I was yesterday. I walk over the pebbles and find a nice spot. I spread my towel and put my bag of stuff on. I drink some coke and stare at the blue horizon. Nice!

Barely have I started to put some sunscreen on my arms and hairy legs, I see Mauro at the distance. My heart skips a beat and I smile. It's got to be him. I would recognize his baldhead a mile away! I wave to him. He's wearing an Adidas red Speedo with two white stripes on the side. I admire his built: tall, hairy, medium belly, strong arms and legs, fat cheeks, blue eyes, my typical ‘daddy.' He brings his stuff in a shopping plastic bag - a large one.

“Hi, so you've decided to come here again, uh?” He says, while we shake hands. He spreads his stuff on the ground.

“You can put your beach towel next to mine. Here, let me help you.” I place his towel next to mine so that we can talk. He sits and looks at the distance.

“Have you just arrived?” He asks.

“Yes, I have. My aunt always cooks a late lunch on Sunday. Then they watch those terrible variety shows on TV. I had nothing better to do than come here.”

“I thought you lived with your parents, Ken.”

“No, my parents live in another province, Paraná State, in a tiny city, on the farm. I'm new in São Paulo City.” I continue applying sunscreen over my arms and legs.

“So, how do you like living with relatives?”

“It's ok, especially when you're new in this immense city.”

“Well, I hope you're adapting well to São Paulo, my friend.” He smiles. “I know your province, Paraná. I've been a lot to the capital city, Curitiba, to lecture at the university. Did you know that Curitiba in Tupi language means, the land of fir trees?”

“Really? That's why they harvest so much pine nuts there.” I smile to him. “I love to eat boiled pine nuts!”

“Me too.” He licks his lips.

“Well, there are lots of farm animals in Paraná, especially chicken and pigs. And it's a very hot place in summer, with a bonus of mosquitoes! By the way, have you applied any sunscreen on?”

“No. I didn't think it would be sunny today.” He smiles sheepishly to me.

“In this case, take this.” I hand him my large tube of sunscreen. “It'll save your skin and life in the long run, my friend.” I turn to him and admire him applying it over his body. I'm dying of curiosity to see if he's going to put any on his baldhead too. He does!

“You're very kind, Ken. Thank you for saving my life.” He returns the tube.

“Any time, my friend.” I take a newspaper clipping and show that to Mauro. “Look, it's about yesterday's accident. His name was Edson. May God keep his soul.”

“That's terrible! So the bus driver was drunk, uh?”

“Well, I noticed that he kept a bottle in his bag. Usually bus drivers keep water bottles there.”

“I wonder what would have happened in case you or I had stood in front of that bus.” Mauro hands me back the article.

“Well, in that case, he would have stopped, because he would have seen us coming. The guy yesterday was cutting the traffic and appeared out of the blue. The driver just couldn't have avoided the accident.”

Lying down on my towel, I cover my face with my T-shirt. Mauro, I notice, does the same. I turn to him and find him looking at me. I smile and he smiles back. I turn my body to him and reach out to his hairy strong chest. He smiles and takes my hand, kissing it. We smile and admire each other for what seems to be an eternity. Then he looks around and then turns to me. Suddenly, he stands up and walks towards the water. He calls me to him. I cannot resist and follow his call. Just then I notice his bulgy Speedo and notice that he's having a minor boner. He smiles as he notices my staring at him.

We enter the water and feel the muddy and sandy bottom and have a bad impression. Mauro however dives and swims far at the distance. I do the same. It's a lot of fun. I peddle my legs and splash water around. Mauro stands up and the hair stick to his body. He looks more like a werewolf to me now. I approach him and he takes me in his arms. Suddenly, we dive together. I feel his arms around me. We come back to the surface and separate. I tell him to dive again. This time I hold him and we almost bump against each other. We get closer together and dive again. This time, we kiss. Mauro keeps me under the water, being the most experienced diver. And as we reach the surface, we separate.

So that's how mermen court each other! Cool!

We return to our towels. I feel tired and lie down. Mauro lies too and I notice his large protruding cock slanted to the side of his red Speedo. He rubs it and smiles to me. He does not feel conscious about himself at all. He offers me an orange. I accept. He peels it patiently; and he does this operation as if peeling an apple. He makes a nice necklace out of the peel. I try to do the same, but I ends up breaking the peel.

“It's very sweet.” I say.

“But not as sweet as your kiss.” He smiles.

“Try this, I bet it’s even sweeter.” I offer some cake to him. He tells me he can only eat a small piece, since he's cut down on sugar.

The bus ride is again long, but much pleasanter this time. As we arrive at the subway station, he takes my hand and squeezes it. I take his and kiss it. We enter the station and take the same subway together. However, I know I have to get off at the coming station. Mauro, I think, also knows that, for he stares at me in mute speech. Suddenly, he also gets off at the same station. We then sit on a bench near the platform. It's not difficult to talk here, because there are fewer subways running on Sundays.

He turns to me and holds my hand. I turn to him and admire his handsome manly face. He's really tanned from this weekend. I admire him all the more as we speak. I can almost see him through his clothes, as I recall the past events with joy. His medium belly, his strong arms and legs, and his lovely red Speedo. He tells me he lives in a small back house. His sister and brother-in-law own the property and live in the large house. They have no kids. I tell him it must be nice to have your own place. He says it's convenient, but at times, he feels quite lonely. He turns to the subway tracks and tells me he used to be married.

“Married?” I ask.

“Yeah, at that time, people just had to do it.”

“I see.”

“Then, when she found out, she got suspicious when Carlos, one of my brightest business student used to come to our house often. Well, she threatened me with a scandal, which would have cost my academic career. I left the car, house, and savings to her. My sister took pity on me and offered the back house, which was used as a storage by my brother-in-law.”

“I'm sorry, Mauro.” We both remain silent. I guess his past is too painful for him to revisit, especially when talking to a stranger.

“I don't want you to feel sorry for me, Ken.” He forces a smile. “You're too young to feel sorry for somebody else's mistake, you know what I mean?” He takes my hand.

“No.” I whisper. “I think I'm just mature enough to accept people the way they are, that's all.”

“In this case, I hope you forgive me, then.”

“You don't need forgiveness, Mauro, for you haven't done anything wrong. All you need is, true love.”

“I suppose you're right, Ken. Love is something I've always longed to have.” We both look at each other. “Ken, are you coming to the dam next weekend?”

“Only if you do.” I smile.

“In this case I'll come too.” He smiles. “By the way, here is my address, just in case.” He writes on a small piece of paper and hands it to me. He holds my hands and the next thing I know, we're parting from each other. I watch him take his subway. I wave and he waves back to me. Only time will tell what will become of us.

Oh, God! How I long to be in his arms. But, reason tells me to, wait. Both of us need time to think about what we should do, and what is more importantly, learn more about the other. I know he has pure intentions and feels lonely. But, I don't want to hurt anybody even more by making hasty decisions. And don't want to suffer either. I ponder as I get home to my aunt's house.

The next weekend is a rainy one.

“You're kidding me! It’s raining and no one will go to the dam! Ken, you're going to catch a cold! I forbid you from going, for I’m not going to nurse a stubborn nephew because of a stupid cold!” Aunt snaps.

“I need to go, aunt.”

“Okay, if you want to go, there's nothing I can do, you’re not my son anyway! But, look, I want you to tell me who he is then.”

“Don't you know his name already? I thought you'd read the slip of paper that was on my desk!” I bite my lover lip.

“What! Are you accusing me of touching your things! I'm certainly going to tell your mother about your behavior!” She stands up from her chair. “Well, as a matter of fact I did find the slip of paper since I was dusting that desk. Consequently I found the slip paper.”

“I'm not going to talk to you about my private business. Anyway, now you know his name. Bye!”

“If your mother calls me again, I'm going to tell her everything. I’m also going to charge extra for the laundry from now on! I’m not a fool to slave myself to keep an ungrateful nephew under my roof!”

“You can go ahead and do whatever you want! You can’t stop me from living my own life! Bye!” I open my small umbrella and go.

“You're crazy! Acting like that won’t take you anywhere! You’re just like your mother! Living on that God-forsaken town, scrubbing your dad’s dirty pants and kitchen floor! Listen to me, you should be mature enough not to believe in fairy tales! You'll get very disappointed in the end, Ken!” Aunt slams the door.

As I take the subway, my heart beats faster. I feel warm inside, even in this rainy day. I get off at the bus station. Then transfer to another bus to the dam.

As expected, few people take the bus with me. They all wear gray and dark clothes. Each of us has a wet umbrella. I try to look confident. I notice the people on the bus, the driver and the bus conductor, myself, and two old women, a mysterious man in an old raincoat, and three teens. As I begin to approach the dam, most people get off, so, I am the only one going there. I open my umbrella again. I stop by an empty area under the roof. I think it is a kind of kiosk or something. I look around but cannot find a living soul. Only the water and the monotonous rain. I sit on the counter and stare at the water. Once in a while I see a car passing by. I begin to feel a bit cold. Not to mention the eerie feeling of being isolated and alone in this deserted place.

The words of my aunt echo in my head over and over again. Her pounding accusations, her sharp words, her repetitive questions, and I nearly go mad with her piercing voice in my head; not to mention the deafening silence of this drenched desert. I stand up and take my umbrella. I walk along the beach and look at the water.

Something in my head tells me, but I don’t want to listen to it. I don't want to get disappointed. I don't want to be alone. I want to be loved by this man. I want to be loved, desired by someone. I don't want to spend my weekends in front of a TV while my life goes by slowly until I notice it is too late then. I hesitate and finally board the bus back to my aunt's house.

“I told you he wouldn't be there. Serves you right! And look at you! You'll be lucky if you don't catch a cold,” and she goes on and on.

“I'll go there tomorrow again!” I stare at my aunt with defiance.

“But the weather report clearly says that it's going to rain again tomorrow!”

“In this case I shall take my umbrella again, just like I've done it today.”

“You're so stubborn! Just like you mother!”

“I guess that's the way I am!”

“Your mother was the only Japanese girl in our family who married a foreign man! What a shame!”

“You know what? I feel proud of her for such an attitude!”

“I guess you do! Well, are you going there again, to get wet and cold?”

“I certainly will!”

On the following day, well, the weather hasn’t improved, but at least it isn't raining. I don't have lunch at my aunt's and she thinks I'm crazy. I take an umbrella with me just in case it rains. And as I get there, it begins to rain again. I sit on the same counter of that kiosk and wait for Mauro. I think of him and catch myself smiling at the nearest puddle of water. I also feel a warm feeling here, in my heart as I think of his warm presence. I can feel him in the air, somewhere. I finish my apple and walk again on the beach and search for him. I go to were we once stood over the sand. The rain has just washed away any remnants of us ever being there. Instead, I only find some pools of water. I look around and cannot find anybody.

Could my aunt be right after all? Could Mauro be just an illusion, like a mirage in the desert? And here I am thirsting for his presence, all by myself. Was he real in the sense that he had a special feeling for me? What if I were a victim of my own vanity and pride? Could I have possibly made this mistake? But in life, who doesn’t?

The immense dam is like the sea. I turn to the water and look around again. I am about to scream his name but I stop. It would be foolish of me. Instead, I walk slowly towards my bus. And once inside it, I look around and there’s no one. I look out my window and can hardly see any distinguishable objects for the glass is wet from the rain.

At the subway station, I sit on the bench Mauro and I once sat. I stare at the subway tracks and think of him, of his warm presence, his manly body, his sexual appeal. I stare at the tracks and see some pieces of paper scattered around.

Of course! The small slip of paper with his home address! I take the small slip of paper and read his address. I notice that he's written it on the back of a prescription note, for I can recognize the logo of a famous hospital in São Paulo, Edmundo de Vasconcelos Hospital.

After reading it a million times, I ponder what to do. I'm going to meet him at his house! The worst that can happen is that he's away. But he should get home sometime and I shall tell him that I went to the dam, just to see him. I'm sure he'll like to hear that. It'll bring a smile on his handsome face. I'm quite sure I'll find him in his house. I know that I can get off at the subway station and from there walk for about five blocks down a long avenue. Then I take left and walk down Ernesto de Paiva Street.

As I reach 189 Ernesto de Paiva Street, I look at the number in the paper just to make sure it's the right number. I notice many trees and cars on the street. I see a large building with a balcony. Wouldn't that be great to live here, just so that I could visit him every day?

This is his number! I find a tall gate and an old car parked in the private garage. The number says 189. The house looks really beautiful and new. I see a passage that goes to the back, where probably Mauro's house is. I see two bells. I ring the second, for I know the first one rings to his sister's house. My heart races and I wait in expectation. Nothing. I ring it a second time and wait. Nothing. Finally, I decide to ring his sister's house. Nothing either. I look around and see the neighbor, a lady coming out of her house with a dog.

“Excuse me, m’am, I'm looking for the owner of that house in the back. Do you know if he's left the house today?” I give her my best smile.

“Are you a student of his?”

“No, I'm not. I'm just a friend who is looking for him. And do you know if he's around and should be back soon?” I ask her innocently.

“Well, I know that his sister and brother-in-law are traveling. But Dr. Vandyken, I don't know. I think I heard mother say something about him going to a hospital or something. I could ask mother, if you don't mind waiting here.” She goes inside with the little dog. I look around patiently and feel tired of waiting. The lady appears again with her dog.

“Sorry to keep you waiting long. Mother was just taking a nap. Well, she said she spoke to him last Friday. He told her he was going to the hospital for an exam. But he told her he was all right. But he hasn't arrived home since. I guess he's in the hospital. I asked mother which hospital, but she doesn't know which. So, that's all I can tell you so far, young man.”

“Thank you very much. You've been very kind to ask your mother. Bye.” I march back to the subway station and stop at Santa Cruz Station, where I know there is a bus that goes near the hospital in question. As I sit on the bus, I reach out for the note again. As far as I know, there's only one Edmundo de Vasconcelos Hospital around, and their logo is an orange squared hollow cross. I take the note again and check the prescription note. It's the right hospital. I also try to make out what the prescription says, but I only have gotten a small part of the note. There's nothing written on it.

It’s getting darker now, even in Summer. Maybe it’s because of the clouds. I check the time and it's already six P.M. The bus finally crosses the bridge over 23 de Maio Avenue. I get off at the next bus stop and walk up a block. On the way, I find a pay phone and call my aunt and tell her I'm not having dinner tonight. She asks me about Mauro, and I tell her I didn't find him at the dam. I hang up the phone before she can lecture me again. I check my watch. It's almost six forty and I just hope they are letting visitors in.

The hospital is quite beautiful and I reach the large reception lounge. I ask for the visiting hours and they say it's okay now. I feel a big relief. I ask her to search for Mr. Mauro Vandyken. I cross my fingers and the receptionist informs me that his room is 2003 B, second floor. I can barely believe I am going to meet him again. And in my enthusiasm, I end up forgetting that I'm in a hospital.

Christ! What about him? What if he is seriously ill? Somehow I don't feel like asking the receptionist about it. Anyway, I feel a little anxious and call the elevator, which moves at a snail’s pace. As I reach his floor, I wonder how he is going to react when he sees me. I search for his room. 2000, 2001, 2002, there! I knock the door. Silence. I knock again.

“Come in.” It's him!

“Mauro?” I close the door.

“Ken! What are you doing here?” He looks around himself, as if puzzled. “How did you know I was here?” He tries to sit up in bed. I help him. His body is quite warm.

“Aren't you glad I came to see you?” I approach him and notice that he's a little pale.

“Ken, I've just gotten a mild flu, that's all.”

“It's just funny that you should have given me your address written on the back of a medical prescription.” He smiles.

“That's how you found the hospital I guess.”

“Is it really just a mild flu, Mauro?”

“Oh, yes.”

“That means a lot to me to know how you are.”

“What else have you found about me?” His voice is faint but he seems determined to inquire my reasons for having come here.

“Your address, your lovely and caring neighbors.”

“So, you've been to my place to check whether it was real or not?”

“It's a lovely place. A little dark I'd say.”

“What did the neighbor say?”

“She said you spoke to her mother. That you were to go to the hospital for exams and didn't return home. That's all.”

“You're quite clever, Ken.”

“So, are you going to tell me everything or do you want me to find out for myself?”

“Well, I'll not go into any technical details here. But what I have is nothing serious. I'm just here for observation. It's got to do with, pneumonia.”

“And do you expect me to believe that?”

“If you don't wish that answer, I'm afraid I haven't got a better one.”

“Sorry, Mauro, I should have known that you were a bit upset. I didn't mean to come here like this. And I didn't mean to intrude. I just came here, well, I wanted to say that, I really missed you at the dam.”

“Did you go,” he puts his hand on his forehead. “Ken, I'm sorry, you don't need to, shit! I'll call a nurse if you continue crying. Hell, you're going to make me cry too! Here, come here.” He hugs me and strokes my hair. “Sorry, Ken. I didn't mean to be rude. I think I'm just an old grumpy man. If you want the truth, I-I sure get lonely too, most of the time, and it's hard to realize that I'm an old lonely man who’s been frustrated and have only made mistakes all my life. Then on a beautiful day, you come in and talk to me. I was puzzled at first. Then I couldn't stop thinking of you, Ken.”

“Mauro, when I went to the dam yesterday and today,” he strokes my face.

“Jesus, you went there in this kind of weather, just to find me!” He gently pulls my hair.

“I needed to go there. I needed to see you. I've kept my word.”

“And now you're here, in this hospital room with me. Ken, I guess this is all I have to offer you. This old decaying body in a hospital bed. Is that what you want for yourself?” I nod and hold back my tears. “Ken, you're still very young, and, handsome as hell, and so full of life. You're all I could dream of, but I don't have the right to make you suffer or cause you pain. It's just not right, Ken.”

“Why do people keep on telling me what to do? Why does my aunt keep treating me as if I were still a child? I know I'm a young gay man who loves older man. So, why do you treat me like my aunt does?”

“Ken, I'm sorry. I'm just reacting the same way your aunt did because, I've been a victim too. I've acted foolishly all my life! I got married to someone I didn't love. I've committed many mistakes in my life. And now I feel I don't want to make more mistakes or make someone suffer because of my actions.”

“Mauro, I hope you realize I am quite willing to try.”

“Ken, do you really want to, try with someone like me?”

“Why not? I've searched for a decent and kind man all around, and now that I've found one, I'm definitely not going to let you go. Unless you don't want me.”

“Ken, of course I want you to be by my boyfriend! Ken, you're my last hope!”

“In this case, you'd better recover and take all the medicine the doctor prescribes you. I'm leaving my phone number and address with you. And I shall come here again tomorrow.”

“Actually, I think the doctors are going to release me tomorrow. They've already made some tests and I think I've done beautifully in all of them.”

“So, we can see each other at your place then.”

“Sure, and I shall make up for all this trouble by cooking you a meal. Later I can drive you back home. By the way, do you like French cooking?”