1st Love

“You don’t have to say what you did. I already know, I found out from him. Now, there’s just no chance for you and me. There’ll never be. And don’t it make you sad about it?”

-Justin Timberlake (Cry Me a River)

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September 2005

Noah and Matthew quickly got dressed. They crept through the dark home and down the stairs. Very carefully, Noah peeked out the window. Bev was standing on the porch.

Noah whispered, “It’s Bev.”

“Bev,” a shocked Matthew asked. “What is she doing here?”

“Only one way to find out.”

Noah went to open the door. Matthew quickly blocked him.

“What are you doing,” Matthew asked.

“I’m seeing what she wants. Go hide in the kitchen.”

Matthew wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. However, he trusted Noah. Matthew exhaled and shook his head. He gave Noah a sweet kiss and then hurried off to the kitchen.

Noah opened the door, and Bev walked right in. She was on a rampage, firing a hundred words a minute.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with Matty. He’s a different person lately. I’m not sure what happened between you guys, but he needs you. So, you have to fix whatever is going on. I mean it, Noah.”

“Bev, come in. Don’t worry about how late it is,” he said sarcastically.

Bev paced back and forth across the floor, “I’m sorry. I couldn’t sleep. I’m worried about him.”

“I get it. He has an effect on people. Listen, I talked with him. We’re good.”

“You guys talked?”

“Yes, he called a little while ago to wish me a happy birthday, and we are going to hang out this weekend.”

Bev’s eyes lit up with happiness. “Oh my God. Happy birthday, Noah. I didn’t know. I’m so excited for the weekend. I can’t wait. I’m going to make sure Matty has something really cool planned.”

Noah wanted to interject and tell her she wasn’t invited, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He was afraid it would bring suspicion to him. He also allowed Bev to believe that she was part of the celebration. She hugged Noah and bid him good night.

Once Bev was gone, Matthew came out of hiding. He walked into the living room, smiling and shaking his head.

“You had to tell her about your birthday?”

Noah rolled his eyes, “I’m sorry. She was worried, and I just started talking and couldn’t stop.”

Noah flopped down on the sofa. Matthew straddled him, and they smiled lovingly at one another. Matthew stroked the side of Noah’s face.

“Am I gay, Monty?”

Matthew asked the question so quietly. Noah almost didn’t hear him. It felt like hours passed, but it was only seconds before Noah responded.

“I think you’re Matthew. You’re my Mateo. I don’t think you’re gay, but I also don’t think you’re straight. People say bisexuals are just scared gays. I don’t know if that’s true. I was never attracted to women. What I do know is that there’s no rush to figure it out. I just want to be here for you as you figure it out.”

Matthew kissed Noah and said, “I’m so lucky you’re part of my life.”

“So am I. It’s late. You should go home,” Noah said as he pushed Matthew out of his lap.

“I want to stay if that’s okay with you.”

They exchanged glances. Both wanted nothing more than to be close to the other.

“Before Bev showed up, we were about to cross a line. We shouldn’t cross that line tonight. So if that’s why you want to stay, you shouldn’t.”

Matthew pulled Noah in a warm embrace, “I just want to be near you. We don’t have to do anything.”

That night, the two young men lay in bed together and held one another. Matthew snuggled up behind Noah, who appointed himself as the big spoon. They drifted to sleep, and their dreams carried them into a peaceful land.

That morning, Noah and Matthew drove to Matthew’s family lake house. The two-hour drive to North Alabama was filled with laughter between the two young men. There were no conversations about sexuality or relationships. It was pure and simple fun. They joked like old times, and Matthew caught Noah up on all the places his family visited over the summer.

The lake house sat on an acre of land completely isolated. For miles, there were no other homes. There were lush green trees for miles and rolling hills beyond the distance. The lake was beautiful, and the water was clear and calm.

Noah took in the beauty of the scenery. The house itself was a two-story modern home. The foundation of the home was brick. The top was made of lumber, and glass paneling wrapped it. It was almost futuristic-like.

It warmed Matthew’s heart to see Noah so lost in its beauty. Matthew placed his hand on Noah’s shoulder and asked, “What do you think?”

Noah was speechless, “This place is amazing.”

Matthew smiled proudly, “We have a little time before Bev and the others arrive. Race you to the lake.”

Matthew took off running.

Noah shouted out, “That’s not fair. You cheated.”

Noah ran behind him. Matthew tossed his shirt. Noah ran faster, trying his hardest to surpass his friend. Matthew ran down the dock. Noah was closing in on him.

“You’re never going to win, Monty,” he said as he leaped into the air, flipped, and landed in the water.

Noah dived off the dock and made a splash into the lake. Matthew came to the surface, and Noah splashed him with water.

“You cheated, you dick!” Noah splashed more water on him.

The two played around in the water. They splashed each other and wrestled. The sound of their laughter was the only thing that could be heard for miles. They spent hours floating endlessly in the silence. They were happy to have that time with each other.

After an hour of floating in the lake, they pulled themselves out. The two sat in the middle of the grass under the hot sun. Noah decided to pull his wet, sticky shirt off. As he pulled the shirt off, Matthew watched him. Matthew admired his friend’s body. Noah was beautiful to him. As he watched his body come into view, he wanted to reach out and touch him.

Noah could feel Matthew’s eyes on him. It made him blush on the inside. Matthew could always make him feel like he was the only person in the world. In a short period, Matthew had become the person he had always looked forward to being around.

Noah faced Matthew, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I’m just really happy right now. I’ve missed you, Monty.”

Noah smiled and lay on the grass. Matthew lay beside him.

“Monty, tell me a secret.”

“I’m afraid that the last year of my life has been a dream, and one day, I’ll wake up and be back in Florida with my parents, but I won’t have you.” The sadness in Noah’s voice pierced Matthew’s heart.

“You’d have your dad back, though.”

“I know, and that would be great, but it would also be sad because I care about you so much it’s crazy. Your turn.”

Matthew slowly took Noah’s hold of Noah’s hand, “I’m scared. I wish I had a better understanding of myself. I wish I were more like you. You know you’re gay. I only know that I feel safe and happy near you.”

Matthew’s revelation takes Noah aback. He looks at him, and the terror is absolute. Matthew is deeply conflicted. He’s attracted to Bev and Noah. Being with Noah makes his heart beat faster.

“Mateo, understanding comes with living,” Noah said as he kissed Matthew.

The kiss slowly began to grow into a passion-filled make-out session. Both of them felt a heat develop. Noah ran his hand down Matthew’s chest and across his stomach. His hand came to a rest at the top of Matthew’s pants. Then he moved his hand over Matthew’s growing erection.

Their breathing increased. Noah waited to see if Matthew would stop him from doing anything else. Matthew was lost in the moment. No one had ever made him feel like that before. He liked the way it felt. Noah undid Matthew’s pants and pulled them down.

Matthew’s penis came into view. It was angry and gorgeous. Noah wrapped his hand around Matthew’s member. Matthew shuttered with pleasure. Noah found himself mesmerized by the sheer length and girth of Matthew’s penis. The head was shiny and moist. It was thick at the base, and his balls were heavy.

“Is this okay?” Noah asked him as he slowly stroked Matthew’s penis.

Matthew half moaned, “Yes.”

Their eyes locked on one another. Fire ran through Matthew’s body. Every touch from Noah sent his pulse racing. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back.

Noah admired Matthew’s body. He wanted to explore and show him how much he cared for him. He did what came naturally to him at that moment. Noah leaned down and wrapped his fat lips around Matthew’s penis. He took the hefty penis deep into his mouth. His tongue wrapped completely around the shaft.

Matthew’s eyes snapped open, “Oh my God. Oh God! Noah?”

Noah didn’t respond to him. He kept going. Slowly, he moved his head up and down the shaft. The taste of Matthew’s precum overwhelmed his taste buds. He picked up the pace, moving up and down faster. His hand wrapped around the shaft and lovingly stroked it.

Matthew wasn’t sure how to act or react. He lifted his hands but wasn’t sure what to do with them. His moans grew and turned into sweet sounds to Noah’s ears. Finally, he placed his hands on Noah’s head and let him have his way with him. The slurps from Noah’s mouth filled the lake. Matthew moaned and groaned louder with each passing second.  

“Noah,” Matthew called, as he neared his climax, “Noah, I’m getting close.”

Noah didn’t stop. He was enjoying himself. He finally had Matthew in a way no one else did, and he wouldn’t let go. He could feel Matthew tense up, and he knew the end was coming.

“Noah, you better stop. It’s coming. I can’t hold it!” Matthew’s toes curled, and he screamed out. The release he craved had arrived. He flooded Noah’s mouth with his seed. Noah happily swallowed every drop of Matthew.

Matthew felt a calmness take over his body. A smile spread across his face, and he rested in the grass. Noah gazed upon him. He had enjoyed giving Matthew pleasure, but he was unsure if he did a good job or not. He thought Matthew would have complimented him.

“Matty?” Bev’s voice called out in the distance. Matthew scrambled to get dressed. Once dressed, Matthew ran off to find his girlfriend. Noah was left to wonder if he had done it all wrong.

Matthew found Bev unloading the car with her best friend, Stacey Lane. Stacey had brought her boyfriend, Cooper Wright. Cooper ran track at their high school. He and Matthew knew each other but weren’t friends. There was another guy whom Matthew didn’t know.

“Hey you,” Matthew said as he pulled Bev in for a hug and a kiss.

“Hey, where’s Noah,” Bev asked.

“Down by the lake. We were drying under the sun.”

“I brought my brother. It was the only way Mom would let me leave the house. Blair, this is my boyfriend, Matthew. Matty, this is my brother, Blair.”

Blair gave a simple head nod. He was 21 years old and a college boy, a full-time student at Stanford University. Blair was attractive. He had that boy next door appeal. He was tall and slender, had dark hair, and wore thick black glasses. Blair was a walking heartbreaker.

“Nice to meet you, Mat. Where’s the lake?” Blair asked. He had already decided he didn’t like any guy who dated his little sister.

“Around back.”

Blair walked off. Matthew’s eyes followed him. Matthew wasn’t used to people not liking him.

“Blair is like that because you’re my boyfriend. Don’t take it personally.”

Bev and Matthew kissed once more. They all made their way into the house.

Noah was sitting by himself, staring out at the lake. He was lost in his thoughts about what had happened with Matthew. He wished they had talked about it, but Matthew ran off.

“Mind if I sit,” an unfamiliar voice asked.

Noah looked up and was met with a brilliant smile from Blair.

“I’m Blair. Bev’s older brother. You must be Noah?”

“Hey, yeah, that’s me.”

“So, can I sit?”

“Sure. Free country.”

Blair sat next to Noah. For a moment, they were quiet. Noah looked over at Blair. Blair was staring at him with a big smile.

“Why are you staring at me,” asked Noah.

“Deciding if I should tell you something or not.”

“Well, I don’t like secrets. So, tell me.”

“I thought I was going to hate having to be here. My parents made me bring my sister, but you’re so cute that I’m happy I came.”

Noah laughed nervously. Blair instantly made him blush. He looked away and then looked back at him again. Blair was smiling at him again.

“Stop smiling at me.”

“I can’t help it. You’re so adorable when you blush.”

“Whatever, Clark Kent,” Noah said as he rolled his eyes.

“Did you just roll your eyes at me,” Blair asked as he tickled Noah.

They rolled in the grass laughing. Noah pulled Blair’s glasses off.

“Why did you take my glasses?”

“Just trying to see if you’re Superman.”

“Well?”

“To be determined,” Noah said as he returned the glasses to Blair. “Bev never told me she had a gay brother. You are gay, right?”

“I am, and it’s not her place to say anything. You looked like you were a million miles away when I walked up.”

“I was worried about if this would be a fun night. I was going to be the only single gay here. I didn’t want to feel weird.”

“Well, we can keep each other company.”

They smiled at one another. Blair stood up and held his hand out. Noah took his hand. They ran towards the lake and dived in.

Matthew was helping Bev put her things away in the bedroom. His mind was a million miles away. He couldn’t stop thinking about what he and Noah had done. He enjoyed it, but it also scared him. We wondered if a girl could ever make him feel as good as Noah had made him feel.

The sound of laughter and water splashing broke Matthew from his thoughts. Bev was staring out the window.

“I’m so excited. Blair and Noah are hitting it off,” she said excitedly.

Confused, Matthew asked, “What do you mean?”

“My brother’s gay.”

“What?” Matthew walked over to the window. His stomach dropped when he saw Noah and Blair playing in the water. Noah looked so happy.

Bev turned and looked at Matthew. Matthew had a single tear rolling down his cheek. He didn’t realize he was shedding tears.

“Matty, what’s wrong,” She asked as she wiped the tear from his cheek.

“I’m just happy for him. Scared also that I will lose my best friend if he dates your brother.”

“That’s why I love you, Matty. You’re so sensitive and compassionate. You guys will be fine. It’s so sweet seeing a gay guy and a straight guy defy the odds and be close and vulnerable.”

A stunned Matthew asked, “You love me?”

He had never had anyone outside of his family express love for him on that level. He knew Noah loved him, but they never talked about what kind of love it was. He also knew that he hadn’t made it easy for Noah to talk about those things the last few months.

“Of course, I love you, silly,” she replied as she kissed him softly.

“I love you too.”

Matthew turned to walk away. Bev grabbed his arm and pulled him close to her. Seeing him show emotions turned her on. She had never felt so drawn to a guy before. She knew she wanted him. She ran her hand down the front of his pants. He felt himself come alive for the second time.

“Bev, are you sure about this,” he asked her.

There was no verbal answer from her. She pulled his shorts down, and he pulled his shirt off. She had always thought her first time would be something romantic out of a rom-com. This was as close to romantic as she would get with Matthew.

He gently laid her back on the bed. He pulled her shirt and bra off. He touched her where no man had ever touched her. It brought a smile to his face. She ran her hands over the front of his underwear and along the length of his member.

Their breathing became heavy. Matthew leaned down and kissed her nipples, and she gasped. She pulled his underwear off and ran his hands along his firm backside.

The time had finally come for Matthew to become a man. Very slowly, he pushed his penis inside of her. Her body became tense from the intrusion. Matthew kissed her, and her defenses melted. Her body relaxed, and Matthew pushed all of himself inside of her.

He started to move his hips slowly. Her insides wrapped around him, and they enjoyed one another. They were inexperienced, but it was a memorable experience. He held her close, and their bodies became in sync.

“Tell me if I’m hurting you,” Matthew barely uttered.

“It doesn’t hurt anymore,” she said tenderly.

He lost himself in the pleasure. His pace picked up, and he moved faster in and out of her. This pleasure she was giving him was unlike the oral stimulation Noah had given earlier.

For some reason, Matthew lasted longer than most did their first time. He wondered if it was because Noah had already gotten him off earlier. Whatever the reason, he was happy he lasted for so long.

Bev felt a fire deep within her. It was a fire that only Matthew could put out. She was in awe of the experience. Her hands grabbed hold of his glutes as he thrust in and out of her. His buttocks flexed in her hands. The end was quickly approaching for them both. They held onto each other, and both groaned as the climax arrived.

It was over. The deed had been done. Matthew rolled off her. They didn’t know what to say to one another. He kissed her once more. She got up and went to shower. Matthew sat on the bed, more confused than before.

That night, everyone was gathered around laughing. It was turning out to be a good birthday. The only different person was Matthew. He wasn’t talking much.

Matthew was struggling inside. His feelings for both Bev and Noah were eating him up. He had now shared something special with them and didn’t know how to move forward. Matthew excused himself to get some fresh air.

“What’s with Mat,” Stacey asked annoyed.

“He’s a little tired,” Bev responded as she applied lip gloss. Her tone hinted that something had occurred.

Stacey started giggling, “Oh my God. You didn’t. Tell me everything.”

“Jesus, Bev, you can’t wait for me to leave the table?” Blair asked. Repulsed by information.

“Then leave,” Bev shouted back at Blair.

“I’m confused,” Noah said to the group.

Cooper said, “Bev and Matty had sex finally.”

Noah was gobsmacked. He knew he had to keep his composure, but inside, his heart shattered. He had shared a special moment with Matthew. Instead of having a conversation about things, Matthew ran off and slept with Bev. The knowledge pulled at his heart.

Stacey jumped up from the table, “We need to celebrate. Turn the music up.”

Cooper turned the music up. Ironically, “Cry Me a River” by Justin Timberlake was playing. Matthew walked back in. Bev and Matthew started dancing with one another. Noah and Matthew stared each other down. Matthew looked confused, and Noah looked disdainful.

Blair stood off and observed the two boys. He knew something was going on with them. He also could see that Noah wore his heart on his sleeve. Blair stood behind Noah.

“Breathe. Close your eyes. Dance with me.” Blair said in Noah’s ear.

Noah took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Blair spun him around, and the two began to dance. Blair pulled him close, and their bodies were pressed against one another.

“Just keep your eyes on me. Sometimes people have to see how easy it is to lose you in order to love you,” Blair said as he ran his hands down Noah’s backside.

Matthew felt his blood start to boil. He wanted to go over and pull Noah away from Blair. He wanted to scream, but he also wanted to protect Bev’s feelings.

As Noah danced with Blair, he thought about everything. His friendship with Matthew was based on grief, and that grief was their bond. Matthew wasn’t gay. He was just confused, and it was time to stop being the thing that confused him. He needed to free Matthew. He reasoned that the mature thing to do is to set free the people you love.

Noah slowly pulled away from Blair. He looked up at Blair, and he smiled once again. He felt himself blush just a little. In the back of his mind, a voice screamed, “Do it!”

He did it—he kissed him. Blair was shocked at first, but the moment he truly felt Noah’s lips on his, he gave in. It was a slow-simmering kiss. Fireworks went off in the distance. Stacey and Bev cheered like any high school girl would. Matthew stood there watching as his heart broke.