13th steppin

After that night at the bar and something that happened beyond my wildest dreams, Dave and I stopped talking on the phone. It reminded me about how much I hated the hook up lifestyle. I fell for guys that didn't feel the same way about me. Dave was a straight guy with sex addiction. I kicked myself for probably messing up. Even worse, I was scared that I could no longer go to the support group meetings anymore.

I felt too awkward to call Dave, hoping that he'd call me first. I went back to the regular meeting and Dave didn't show up. I was internally sad and it probably showed to the rest of the group members. I confessed in the group shares about having a relapse, but I didn't say any more than that.

Dave didn't come to the next 3 meetings. I became increasingly depressed. It felt like it was my fault that he was no longer coming. Then covid happened. Pretty much all support groups stopped meeting in person. The group leaders scrambled to convert the meetings to Zoom video calls. I stopped attending them due to technical problems and my lack of motivation due to Dave being absent.

A month later, I dug up the courage to give Dave a phone call, feeling depressed and desperate. The call went to voicemail, so I left him a long ass message:

"Dave, it's Joe. I'm sorry about what happened that night. I don't know if that's the reason why you haven't come back to the meetings. I'm sorry if I did something wrong. Please, can you call me?"

I waited for the entire day, hoping to hear from Dave. Then late at night around 12:30AM, I got a txt from Dave: "I got your msg. Can't talk rn. Will call you soon."

The txt made me happy and sad at the same time. He didn't totally ignore me, but his message felt me wondering whether I did something wrong.

That weekend, I finally get a call from Dave. He awkwardly asked me if I was ok. I did my best to pretend like I was. He told me that he's been very busy with work and that he was traveling up until the total shutdown due to Covid. I didn't know if I should confront him about what happened that night, but he didn't bring it up either. Imagine two sex addicts with obvious communication problems. I asked Dave if he was ok with maybe meeting up to talk, but he said now wasn't a good time. He persuaded me to come back on the Zoom video conferences for the support group meeting. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea or whether it'd help. It almost seemed like Dave was telling me to keep our relationship solely based on recovery.

During the week, I again skipped the Zoom call. I didn't want to go to a conference call knowing Dave would be there and me basically lying about being sober when I felt like relapsing. Instead, that night, I decided to do the wrong thing and set up meetings with guys for sex. I was out of control, but I felt like a human being with real needs.

In one night, I ended up with 3 guys:

1. I met the first guy at his home. He was in his 40's, average shape. I didn't feel attracted to him but I was there to suck his load. He called himself a dom daddy and he wanted a twink to suck him off until he busted. I gladly helped him and he throat fucked me and grabbed my hair. It was rough and it made me feel alive after being depressed for so long.

2. The next guy was a grad student who lived in a neighborhood along my way home. I stopped at his place. He was in his 20's, He wanted to get serviced by a twink and he msged me on Grindr about how I was his exact type. We went to his bedroom and I pulled off all clothes. It was my second blowjob of the day. As we both doing 69, he began to finger me. Being so tight, I moaned as he moved from 1-2-3 fingers penetrating my hole. He then asked if he could fuck me. I told him that he'd have to go slow. He didn't, as his first move was to jam his 7" cock in me. I screamed out in pain, but he then grabbed me by the hips and thrusted harder and harder. I was probably crying while it was going on, but he didn't care. I don't know how long it took, but he eventually exploded in my ass. Sickly enough, I turned around and started licking that cock, which seconds ago just been in my ass. Cum was still dripping off his cock when my tongue lapped it up.

3. With my ass sore, I still didn't want to go home yet. I decided to go in the opposite direction away from home and to a popular cruising spot in a park. It was 9:30PM. Even though the sun is finally starting to set for dusk, I walked down a path with everything eerily abandoned due to the Covid curfews. When I looked around, I saw a few guys circling the park, looking for some much-needed relief. This one black guy, who I've seen before at this park, came up to get his usual action with me. He had this deep voice and he loved to talk dirty with me, even though I stay silent (with his cock in my mouth). He also loved it when guys sucked on his giant nipples. I sucked on his 8.5" ultra thick cock. He'd normally try to get me to turn around to bottom for him and normally I'd say no. But not tonight. My ass still loosened by the grad student earlier, still lubed up and with his cum, I just let the black guy have his way. He stretched my hole in a way that has never happened before. I was gonna scream from the pain, but the guy covered my mouth with his hand, muffling my scream. All the while, he kept talking in my ear: "Yeah, baby, you like big dick? I got this big dick in you, you like big dick?" Eventually he was cumming, but I immediately turned around and let him shoot his fresh hot load onto my face and mouth. I licked it all up. We both cleaned up, pulled up our pants, and walked away. It was now 11PM.

If I had to confront how badly I was acting out and how far from sobriety I was. I desperately reached for my phone and tried to call Dave. It rang about 3 times. I didn't leave a message. I dialed again, hoping a second call would make him pick up. He txt me after a few minutes: "Can't talk rn. I'm with my gf. Will talk soon."

It was like a stab in the heart. I fell for this straight guy and he then reminds me that he has a girlfriend. I didn't want to be alone that night. I msged the grad student and see if I could stay over. He said no, because his bf is home now. I then tried the older guy, even though he wasn't my type. He said yes, I could sleep in the same bed with him for one night. I knew this was probably the only way I wouldn't end up killing myself tonight.

When I got to the guy's place again, he let me in and i took off my shoes and jacket. I asked him if I could take a shower. He grabbed a towel and showed me to the bathroom. I started scrubbing away all the grime, bodily fluids, and shame off my body. I washed my hair and scratched my scalp, like trying to claw at my dysfunctional brain.

After the shower, I talked out with the towel wrapped around my body. He was already in the bed and asked me to come right up to him. He then opened mytowel, exposing my still-wet naked body. He wanted another go, not realizing that I had been fucked twice already and swallowed 3 loads. It was a record for me.

I told him I had a rough day. He listened to my words and he just cuddled up to my side. His bear physique made him the perfect body pillow. As my heart pace slowed, I could hear his big beating heart through all that chest hair. He continued to cuddle me until I fell sleep.

Morning came, I put on the clothes I had worn yesterday. It smelled like sweat and grass stains. I thanked the guy for letting me sleep over. I went home finally to crash into my bed. I was at rock bottom again. I was so not sober.

I pulled out my phone and called Bruce, because he was the wise leader. I explained to him that I had relapsed really bad last night and don't know what to do. He told me that I should re-read some of the literature, try to do some prayers and meditations. He knows my bottom line activities and instructed me to turn my phone off for the rest of the day, to avoid the distractions and lure of Grindr. He also said that there was alternate meeting in the evening if I wanted to join.

After all the action I had, I think going to a meeting to confess my sins was necessary.

The Zoom call started up. I recognized some faces. I hadn't seen Dave yet. Bruce ran the meeting the same way as it was in-person. We introduced ourselves and then I heard Dave's voice. I swiped over to see his video image. I then look at my own, fixing my hair, trying to look sexy, all in front of the other viewers. It was so bad on my part.

When we go to the group shares portion, Bruce collected names. I wasn't gonna say anything about the prior night. Eventually it came to Dave's turn. He talked about how much shame he was feeling about having recently relapsed (I had no idea if it was in reference to me). He told his gf of 2 years that he was a sex addict and it didn't go well. He had the same look in his eyes of sadness.

The report of the bad relationship with the gf...it was due to me? Did he tell the gf about the sex?

After the Zoom meeting ended, I called Dave. This time I just wanted some straight answers. He picked up on the first call.

"Dave, I really wanted to talk to you."

"Joe, I'm sorry I've been bad with the calls lately. I have a lot of stuff going on."

"But Dave, can we talk about what happened that night? Did I do something wrong? Or was it an accident?"

He paused for a few seconds, "No, it's like that. What happened, happened. It's not really a place I want to be right now. I should have been masturbating in public, but that night, I became so stressed out, my brain went on auto-pilot."

"But was I not suppose to touch you? Your cock was hard and you were stroking yourself. I thought it meant you want me to..."

"I'm sorry Joe. This is part of my addiction. This is why I'm so messed up. I have to stop all this acting out. I'm losing my girlfriend and I can't do anything to fix it."

Even though I felt so emotionally wrapped up, Dave was clearly worse off. I didn't feel like I should be competing with him on who's more fucked up. I told him, "Ok, Dave...I get it. Maybe we just take a break for now. I really want to hear from you, but if you can't....then it's ok." He hung up.

Totally unsatisfied, I spent the rest of the night screaming into my pillow. I was watching so much BB porn on my phone. Even though my cock was rock hard, I didn't touch it. I was denying release and was edging instead. I want to exert control now when I'm totally out of control everywhere else in my life.

I am staring up at the ceiling; I close my eyes. I start imagining Dave, his cute jacket, pants, and red Converse chucks. There's his teen-bopper lifestyle with that part in the middle, his scratchy beard that makes him look only a bit manlier than his baby-face allows. When I dream about Dave, it's only his sad eyes that pierce through me every time. I strip away his clothes, his toned body, with that hairy chest, arms, and legs...he was a manly boy, I guess. In my dream, we should float up in the sky huddled together in a fetal position, our genitals warming each other.

I would imagine how he'd fuck me from behind and I could feel that chest hair abrasively run across my back. Dave would whisper in my ear, even though my body was so overwhelmed by his thick massive cock stretching my hole. In my fantasy, he clutched both of my hands with his, his orgasmic load going inside me pushes the cum out of my cock, showering everywhere. It's the most beautiful sight.

It's just a dream. As always, I wake up with my sheets wet and wondering why I can't be a better person? Am I ruining my life further by obsessing over Dave?