136 Days

Last summer I can say I was pretty much a man whore. I was on all of the apps, trying to hook up and satisfy that urge and need for male companionship that we all know too well. Let me also state I am a married man of 20 years with 3 beautiful children that I love and adore more than anything in this world. 

I have always know from my teen years that I was attracted to other guys along with girls. But I was afraid to accept that part of me. I had pushed it deep deep deep down and never did anything minus the occasional teen boy jerk off with his buddies that never amounted to more than teen hormones and racing to get off the fastest. 

It wasn’t until after I was married and had children that these feelings and thoughts started to creep back in and as hard as I tried to keep them at bay and suppress them, the more they would come. And keep on coming. 

Finally about 6 years ago I decided it was time to explore and see for fact if I indeed would enjoy the company of another man and set out to have the experience that I apparently craved so much. 

I was on a work trip for a few days. Alone in a hotel room. And I don’t know why but they always seem to make you extra horny…knowing what goes on in there. Anyway…long story short I had my first full experience and to say I was hooked was an understatement. 

So for the following years after that trip I would occasionally, when the time allowed would meet other guys, mostly other fellow married men that were in the same situation as myself and help each other out.  

So that brings me to last summer and to now. Now I am feeling broken hearted and don’t know what to do because for the first time in my life when it comes to other guys…I let someone in. I let someone in past my high protective walls that I had always built up for myself and I don’t regret one single minute of it. 

I was on the apps last summer late at night while everyone in the house was of course asleep. I got a message from someone that peaked my interest and we started talking. We both ended up being horny and agreed to meet up that night. We met up and he gave me one of the best blowjobs I had ever received. We agreed to keep in touch after that night but as soon as I had done that my paranoia had gotten the best of me and I blocked him and deleted my accounts. 

I then was good and I mean gooood for months I didn’t meet anyone. I was the model husband and father. But slowly once again…the thoughts and desires crept back on in. I know what some people want to say now…like just come out already and live your life…I wish it was that easy and as most of you know it never is. So here I was one day a few months ago home on lunch and the urge struck and this time it was too strong to resist. So back on the app I went…and within ten minute or so…I found my buddy from a few months back that I freaked out on and disappeared on. 

We started talking and this time I was not turning back. I told him I’d meet him at his place in 15 minutes and proceeded to hide my locations so no one could know where I was at and went over. 

To say that that day was one of the best times I ever had was an understatement. I walked in and the attraction like I had never felt before was instant. I could not put my finger on it but I knew something was different I knew that if I allowed myself I would feel things for this man that I had never felt for another man in my life. We started making out and we sucked each other off for thirty minutes back and forth and we had our hands roaming all over and feeling every muscle, scar and stand of hair on our bodies. We then moved to the bed and there was the first time I ever made “love” to another man. Another hour passed by and when we were done, I had started to cry, I knew that if I let him in I would fall and fall hard, we comforted each other and cuddled then I had to leave. 

And boy did I fall HARD. 

I walked out of his place and I knew that something inside of me was never going to be the same. 

We slowly started taking every day and I mean all day every day. I for the first time in years felt seen and felt heard and felt joy in my life. And it was because of this man…a man that I never had thought of at a point in my life could bring me all these feelings…and I was happy again. 

But…being the married man I am and he being single…I knew that one day it was going to come to an end. But I didn’t care. I loved the way he spoke to me and made me feel. Things my wife never had said to me over the 20 years we’ve been together. 

So over the course of 136 days…I had one of the best times of my life. We met up when we could. We both worked crazy hours and had kids and lives outside of each other. We talked about dreams and things and places we wanted to go and encouraged each other to be the best versions of our selves we could. And every time we saw each other. It was the best sex I had ever had. The way we connected and felt each other and how I totally let everything fall to the side and show myself and…let me be…me. I loved the way he felt, hugging me, kissing me, sucking my dick and fucking me where I writhed around on the bed every time in ecstasy…oh it was so amazing. I had never known that you could be this happy and connected. 

The last time we “saw” one another it was hands down the best sex we had ever had….I was so into him I was riding him and came hands free. We showered together we made out and just had a good time. 

That was day 126.

A few days later…day 136…I had found out that he had met someone…someone real that he could be seen with….someone he could fully be with…

Someone he wasn’t their secret with. 

And I was devastated and still am truthfully. 

I literally felt like someone ripped my guts out with their bare hands and threw them away. I knew that this thing we had wasn’t going to last but for some strange reason in my head I thought it would. I actually had started to see myself with him. Had started to see that I could possibly in my own terms come out in however way I wanted and be free and he would be there…standing next to me. 

But that all came crashing down on day 136. 

I realized something that day…no one and I mean no one else can make you happy besides yourself. You have to be the one to create your own happiness and you can’t rely on anyone else for that. Do I fault him for finding someone else? Not at all. I’m extremely happy for him. He’s an amazing guy that deserves to be the happiest he can be even if it’s not with me. I still want to be his friend because after all of this he helped me see everything I stated above. 

I just…it hurts and I know I’m going to be ok…it may not be today or tomorrow. But someday I will be ok. Someday I will be able to live my complete truth…whatever it is that may be. 

And how do I know that?

I have it all to thanks to those extremely wonderful and painful….136 days.