Amateur Action: Exactly a Lizard Solo Dildo Jerk

This is totally unrealistic. Real twenty-something masturbating jock lizards don't sound like this at all, especially when ejaculating. It's more of a squawking sound combined with the raspy squishy squeak you get when sharpening a sword with a steel-toed boot while jumping up and down on a stack of pancakes. Specifically whole-grain spelt pancakes with banana.

So I hate to break it to you, but this is not a real lizard. Though according to his bio, he has green eyes. So he's lizard adjacent. Also according to his bio: "I enjoy dressing up like a lizard on the weekends and disappointing my parents."

Suddenly he's my hero. But I would suggest he get out in the direct sun more. Like any cold-blooded animal, he depends on sunlight to warm his body so he can expend energy. I will assume the device he's penetrating himself with radiates heat to his lizard core.

In some ways, he's a typical male lizard, not showing much emotion facially and making a mess everywhere, though he does try to avoid messing up the furniture and carpet as best he can in his distracted state.

I am attempting to recall if I've ever had a sexual thought in the reptile arena. I felt nothing for the Gorn on Star Trek, as the prosthetic-laden Gorn captain engaged in personal battle with Kirk for alien amusement. Perhaps if the prosthetic had moved, I may have been emotionally and sexually moved.

Dr. Connors mutates into the Lizard in the Spider Man universe. He's kind of a jerk and wouldn't be much fun to make out with. I'd say overall I'd much prefer an amphibian. Specifically the sensitive, singer showman Kermit the Frog after he's had a fight with Miss Piggy and needs some tender frog loving. Though if while we were making out he pulled his sticky tongue out of my mouth and ate a passing fly, I'd likely lose interest. I'm just not into animal cruelty.

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