Journal Entry 6/12

Jim has been exceedingly obedient.  I thought that once the novelty had worn off and his passions quenched, he would revert to his usual butch self.  Well, the novelty may have worn off, but his passions are far from quenched.  Sometimes I feel as though I'm being scorched alive by his flames.  In reality, I know that I am burning in my own conflagration.  I have unearthed a molten core of lust deep within me that threatens to consume the crust of my persona as your average college student.

I confess that in my calmer moments I'm apprehensive about the kind of person I'm becoming. I brood over the things I've done to Jim, the way I've treated him, not able to fully accept that these deeds were done by me. It's easier to think that, in the heat of passion, I'm possessed by a lustful spirit, a sadistic demon. Who am I kidding?

I've avoided Jim for the past three days, commanding him not to call or come by. I cringe when I think of what I did the last night I spent with Jim. I don't want to think about it, write about it, but I must. I've kept myself busy to avoid this, but I know I have to put this down on paper and get it out of my head. I have to come to grips with it.

Jim was waiting for me when I hiked out of the woods and entered the bald summit of the hill. He was dressed in his best suit:  the slacks, tie, and jacket all black. His shirt was pristine white. He was waiting by the front entrance, kneeling on the porch. I saw him glance my way when I stepped on a twig, and he immediately lowered his forehead to the floor. I hadn't given these instructions to him when I informed him that morning that I would stop by. I had only said that since I would have to arrive later in the day, I wanted him to prepare dinner and dress nicely, none of this black-and-white formal dress and kneeling and bowing. We've had very passionate moments together but little quality time getting to know each other. I thought a dinner and some talking would be in order.

I stepped up to the porch and stopped in front of Jim's bowed head. 'Thank you for coming, master,' he said. People say black is slimming, but, from my vantage point standing over him, he looked like a giant black ball except for his shiny pate. I could see the curves of his buttocks. Seeing them, memories of the last time I fucked him flickered through my mind. I felt the heat rising in my gut, my cock hardening. This isn't why you came to Jim tonight, I reminded myself.

With a deep breath to steel my resolve, I said, 'I want you to get up, Jim. We will dine together and spend the night talking. Do you understand?'

'Yes, master.' Jim pushed himself to his feet, his head bowed down. He has an issue about looking down on his master so he stares at his feet. Or perhaps he was staring at the tent in his crotch. Boxers and formal slacks do very little to hide a man's erection. He held open the door for me, following me in.

A small dining table for two was beautifully laid out with white linen, silver candle stands with white candles, fine china, real silverware, and a centerpiece of myriad flowers. 'This is amazing, Jim.' I was truly astonished. He thanked me in a quiet voice. He begged me to sit and brought over bowls of mixed green salad. I had meant to engage him in discussions but suddenly found myself famished and hesitant. I started eating. Jim followed my lead. I told him the salad was excellent. He thanked me and then brought bowls of cream of mushroom soup, very smooth and tasty. Again I complimented him, he thanked me and brought the main course, medium rare steak with steamed asparagus and roasted fingerling potatoes. I ate greedily. The last course was a peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream. Jim begged my pardon for not making the ice cream from scratch.

'Did you make all the courses yourself, Jim?' I asked, surprised. He had made a few things before but nothing as extraordinary as that night's meal.

'Yes, master.' He gazed at his empty plate.

'Look at me, Jim. It's hard to converse with someone who won't make eye contact.' I didn't hide my irritation.

'I'm sorry, master,' he apologized miserably and raised his head. I noticed then that he had shaved his mustache and beard. He had a fine jaw. His smooth, clean skin made his entire face glow in the candlelight. He was beautiful.

'I like you like this, clean-shaven. Now, when did you learn to cook?'

'Thank you, master. I will keep my face shaved from now on, master. And I learned to cook after I got out of the Marines, almost twenty years ago, master. I went to cooking school and worked as a chef for six years, writing a little when I could. Did you enjoy the meal, master?'

'I did, very much. Everything was delicious, even the ice cream.' A wide smile stretched across his face. He was glowing. He made to clear the dishes but I bid him to remain seated. 'So you were in the Marines? I had thought you had played football before becoming a full time writer.'

'I did play football in high school and college, master. I could have gone pro but I wanted the greater discipline in the military.'

'So you're used to taking orders.'

'Well, kind of, master. Early on I had to take orders, but as I rose in the ranks I became more accustomed to giving orders. And when I was a chef, I was the boss in the kitchen. Some of my women didn't care for my need to be in charge, master.'

I laughed, almost spewing the water I had sipped. 'Oh, if they saw you now.' He chuckled.

'So, where did this need to obey come from? Was your father a disciplinarian?' I was trying to understand how that commanding and bossy man would want to become a slave.

'My father was firm but not a disciplinarian, master. He actually played pro football when I was a boy and later became a coach. But he was mostly laid-back.' He fell silent and squinted his eyes, thinking. 'Master, I don't know where this need comes from. Nothing in my earlier life hinted at all to this. All I know is that when I saw you that first day at your dad's, I felt more alive than ever before. I didn't understand my feelings, master. I just wanted to see you all the time. I wanted to look into your eyes and lose myself. And then when you started to tell me what to do, it was like a light suddenly turned on, and I realized I've been in darkness all my life. I want the light, master. I don't want to go back to the darkness.'

I sat quiet, pondering what Jim had said. My gaze drifted down to the table as I thought this through. To have so much power over a man! I loved Jim. I had no doubts about that. I would not mind relishing my power over him if I didn't get such a rush from abusing him. Part of me wants to just accept it and enjoy it. But that part of me that believes in decency, respect, and kindness plagues me with guilt after the rush dissipates.

I glanced up to find Jim staring at his plate. Such a powerful man yet so meek. 'How do you feel when I abuse you?'

Jim's face shot up. He looked confused. 'Abuse, master? I don't understand.'

'Jim, I've caused you physical pain when we have sex. How do you feel when I do that?'

Jim held my eyes for a long while before saying, 'I think I understand, master. In your eyes, you believe you are abusing me, hurting me, forcing me to do things I would normally never do. You are a good man, master, so naturally you are having difficulties with this. But for me, I experience nothing but ecstasy. Even pain becomes ecstasy for me. When you spank me, master, I feel the stinging pain initially but it quickly transforms into a wave of pleasure that washes my entire being. The transformation is so quick that the pain is gone even as it registers. I love everything you do to me, master.'

I didn't really understand, but I could see that he was sincere. His eyes begged me to believe him. 'I'm afraid of how far I would go, Jim. This is all so new to me. I'm afraid I might injure you.'

'Master, the first time you fucked me, you ordered me to tell you if it hurt. I am still obeying that order, master.  If you do something that truly hurt, I will obey and inform you. Please do not worry too much about it, master.'

I gave Jim a weak smile. He smiled back reassuringly. 'If I should ever command you to do something that would cause you harm or you're completely set against doing, you will respectively decline to obey. Do you understand?'

'Yes, master. And thank you, master.'

I felt better now. My conscience was eased. I relaxed, letting my shoulders drop. I had been so tense. I stared at Jim. He was so handsome in his suit. His luscious red lips stood out more now against his fair skin. His nostrils were flared. I could hear his heavy breathing. All that talk of fucking and spanking must have aroused him. I too was aroused.

I kicked off my trailrunners and rubbed my left foot against his calf. I snaked my right foot across his inner thighs and began kneading his crotch with my toes. Jim spread out his legs for me, breathing heavier. His hard cock was forced to slant off toward his right hip instead of rising straight up. I wanted to play with his cock with my foot but could only reach its base. Without thinking, I ordered, 'Make it soft!'

'Yes, master.' Amazingly, I could feel his cock shrinking till it was completely soft. Wow, I thought. I pressed my toes against his soft cock. The fabric of his slacks was thin and silky. I brought up my left foot to join in the fun. Still his cock remained soft.

'How are you doing that?' I asked him.

'I'm sorry, master. Doing what?'

'Your dick, Jim. How did you make it soft and how are you keeping it soft?'

'I'm not doing anything, master. I'm just obeying your command.' I eyed him suspiciously, wondering if he was playing with me. But no, he wasn't. Hm!

'Make it hard!'

'Yes, master.' His cock grew and strained against the fabric, once again slanting to the right hip. I arched a brow.

'That is fucking amazing!' I cried. I was blown away. 'Soft!' His dick grew soft. 'Hard!' It grew hard. 'And you're not doing anything?'

'No, master. You command and I obey. If you're looking for an explanation, master, it may just be that my entire being wants so much to obey you.'

Ok, I guess that could be, I thought. 'Stand up! Soft!' I bellowed the commands forcefully. Jim bounced up, his crotch a sideways pyramid. Immediately, the pyramid reduced to a bulge. 'Strip!' Jim almost ripped his clothes off. I had to tell him to be careful and to lay them out on the back of the chair.

'Come here!' I pushed my chair back and turned it out a little. Jim stood naked before me, a massive bear of a man. It was strange seeing his dick soft. It has almost always been hard since that first day. It was time for an experiment. 'Make it half hard, horizontal.' His cock grew and rose till the eye faced straight at me. 'Full hard-on, vertical.' It grew even more, swinging upward, veins popping out. 'A little softer, 1 o'clock.' The difference in size wasn't noticeable but the angle definitely changed. '2 o'clock!' This time it shrank noticeably, the veins less pronounced. '4 o'clock!' It softened and took on a sweet, rosy hue. '12 o'clock!' Jim's dick swung forcefully up, slamming into his belly. He gasped. 'Soft!' It dangled limply, pointing straight down.

'Very good, Jim. I'm impressed.'

'Thank you, master.'

'To make it easier, I'm assigning numbers 0 through 6 for the level of hardness or softness. 0 will be completely soft, as you are now. 6 will be completely hard, vertical. 3 will be half hard, horizontal. Do you follow?'

'Yes, master.'

'3!' His cock was horizontal. I took it in my mouth. 'Oh, master!' Jim moaned. It was easier to suck his cock like this. Before, his cock would be so engorged I would have to strain to suck on it. I couldn't get it all in. Now, I enjoyed its full length, pressing my nostrils into his pubic hair and my chin into his balls. I groped his buns as I sucked, pulling him into my mouth. There was room enough for me to move my tongue, though, even half hard, the tip touched the back of my mouth. I must have sucked for several minutes. Jim was panting now. I could feel the firmness of his balls against my chin. He was getting close. Another experiment.

I released his cock. 'Jim, you are not to cum unless I command you to cum.' I looked up into his eyes, expecting to see hesitation, uncertainty. I found adoration and obedience instead. 'Yes, master.'

'Good. And I'm assigning letters to denote the intensity of an orgasm. 'A' is a gentle ooze and little cum. 'B' is a stronger ooze and a more cum. 'C' is a couple of squirts and some ooze. 'D' is a strong blast with a good amount of cum. 'E' is a massive explosion of cum. 'F' is well, you'll basically feel like you're shooting your guts out.' I expected Jim to give me an incredulous look as though I had gone out of my mind. I wouldn't have blamed him. I didn't really think he would be able to modulate his orgasms.

'Yes, master.' Amazing. He didn't hesitate at all.

Well, time to test it. I resumed sucking on his half-hard cock. I could suck on it for hours. I didn't but it was a solid twenty minutes at least before I commanded, 'Count to ten and then cum 'A'.' I continued sucking on just the head as Jim counted. As soon as he said ten, I felt a warm wetness on my tongue. It had a very slight salty taste. Jim had let out a long sigh as though he had relieved some tension. Not much semen had leaked out. Fantastic! I'm gonna have so much fun, I thought.

I leaned back and ordered him to turn his ass to me. I had him lean forward and spread out his legs. I examined his hole. It was no longer that tiny pink hole I had first seen days ago. The hole was larger, the sphincter a bit swollen and a darker shade of red. His ass ignites a fire within me. The sight of those round globes and that needy hole roused that demon inside me. I buried my face in his canyon and drove my tongue into the hole, instantly gratified to hear Jim cry out, 'master!' I ravaged his anus with my tongue, nibbling on his puckered flesh with my lips. Jim cried out his appreciation.

I slapped my palms against his rump as I ate him, not bothering to start out gently. I slapped to hear flesh clapping loudly against flesh, to feel the shockwave against my cheeks, but mostly to hear Jim cry out, that baritone of his bursting out from his diaphragm through his gaping mouth. I could feel his cries. I lapped at his hole some more and then, instead of slapping, I thrust my hands forward, knocking Jim to the floor, his breath forced out of him. Seeing him spread out with his behind up in the air drove me crazy.  I stood and shoved my shorts and underwear down, kicking them away.

I threw myself on top of him, knocking the air out of him again. I ground my pelvis against the dome of his ass, forcing his legs apart with my knees.  Rearing up on my knees, I slapped both hands down on his butt, making Jim cry out louder, his back arched. 'Does that hurt, slave!' I roared. 'No, master! Thank you, master!' he cried out breathlessly. 'How about this!' I rained down blows after blows as though I was playing bongos like a madman. Jim's cries started to sound like screams. He couldn't speak. I stopped only when my hands went numb.

Jim was heaving on the floor, head rolling, back arching, lower legs swinging in the air. He was trying to speak but could only moan. 'Speak up! I can't hear you!' I spanked his ass again. ',' His once fair butt cheeks were now a fiery red, with darker red spots. I had to have his ass!

I reached between his thighs and grabbed hold of his cock, pulling it back towards me. I gripped it hard. '4!' I yelled. I could feel his cock trying to swell in my hand. My grip made it impossible. Jim was gasping, 'aah...ah.' I could have shown mercy, but I didn't. I grabbed hold of his balls with my other hand and squeezed. Jim pushed up from the floor and screamed, a long, gutwrenching scream. I didn't release either his cock or his balls. I kept on squeezing. Jim lost control of himself. His arms stopped supporting him and fluttered about in the air. He crashed to the floor, banging his head. Even then I didn't let go. He was still screaming and panting, limbs spasming. If I were in my right mind, I would have realized that he couldn't tell me if I was hurting him since he couldn't speak. But I wasn't. He was mine!

'D!' I screamed. His body tensed and arched up, his legs stretched out to their fullest, his face and toes pressed into the floor, his ass the tip of the triangle his body created. I could feel his body quaking. All of his body nearly matched the rouge of his beaten ass. His eyes were shut tight but his mouth screamed a silent scream. There was no breath in him. I let go of his tortured genitals so that the cum may flow, forming a cup with the hand that had gripped his cock. I caught his cum in my hand, some of the hot fluid slipping through the gaps of my fingers. He was a good slave, still obedient.

His orgasm completed, his body dropped to the floor again. He was making mewling sounds. I forced my cum-filled hand between his buttocks and pushed as much of his cum into his anus. I was so hard by then. I forced my dick in all the way, no preambles or stretching. Jim screamed again, which only spurred me on. I stretched out fully across his back, gripping his shoulders, pulling on them to drive myself deeper into him as I thrust my pelvis. As I fucked him, I chanted loudly, 'You're mine, slave! I'm gonna fuck your brains out! You're my fucking bitch! I'm gonna make that cunt of yours hurt for days. Yeah, bitch! Take my cock, you whore! I'll fill that pussy. Beg for my cum!'

Jim made a great deal of noise but no words were discernible. I was offended. How dare he not obey me! 'Beg, damn you! Beg for your master's cum!' He made even louder noises. I placed the palms of my hands on his shoulder blade and pushed myself up, pressing him down. With the extra leverage, I fucked him harder, my hips slapping his red buns. 'You'll take my cum, slave. Fucking slave, fucking whore! Bitch! Cunt! Oh, yeah, it's cumming. I'm gonna brand you! Burn my mark on your ass! Oh, god.' I couldn't see. I was in a haze. All I could feel was the unbearable pressure inside me. It had to break free soon. I wanted Jim to cum with me, not because I wanted him to have an orgasm, but because it enhanced my own. I lowered myself to his back, keeping up the thrusts. I stretched out my chin closer to his ear. 'F!'

Jim thrust up onto his hands and knees, threw up his head, and roared out a scream unlike any I've heard before. I wrapped my arms around his chest and my legs around his thighs. Everything shook. For me, wrapped around his body, it felt as though the very earth was shaking itself apart. I wanted to cry out as thick ropes of cum ripped through my cock, but instead I dug my teeth into Jim's flesh. I tasted his blood. Jim redoubled his roars.

When I came back to my senses after a couple of minutes, Jim was passed out on the floor. Blood seeped where my teeth had broken his flesh. I was in shock. I threw myself off of him. 'Jim, are you ok?' I asked, shaking him. He didn't reply. I could clearly see that he was breathing. His legs had spread wide when he had collapsed. I could see a large pool of semen, with thick clumps. I looked down to see my shorts were soaked with cum. It wasn't mine. It was all his. Mine was buried deep inside him.

I tried to revive him to no avail. He was too heavy for me to move. I did what I could for him. I cleaned his wound, applied antibiotic cream, and bandaged it. I wiped up the cum as best I could. Some of it was underneath him and out of reach. As I tried to get in under his legs and crotch, cum started to ooze out from his anus. I bunched up a towel between his legs to soak up the oozing fluid. I placed a pillow beneath his head and an afghan over his body.

Then I threw myself into the shower, curled up on the floor, and sobbed as the water cleansed me.  I was horrified by what I had done and said.  Earlier I had expressed my fear of hurting Jim and then...this.  'I'm  so sorry, I'm so sorry,' I sobbed aloud.  Why did it have to be like this?  Why couldn't Jim be the daddy and I his young boy toy?  It would be so much easier.  He should be fucking my ass!  I'm usually the bottom not the top.  But no, he wants to be the submissive slave.  He begged to be my slave!  He loves it when I fuck him!  And it drives me mad with lust.

I sobbed for a long while in the shower.  Only when the water turned cold did I drag myself out.  I dried off and stumbled down the stairs.  I had to make sure that Jim was ok.  I couldn't just leave him passed out on the floor.  I tried to wake him again, but he slept on.  I lowered myself down next to him.  'I'm sorry, Jim.'  I kept watch in case he stirred.  He didn't move at all except for his breathing.

After some time, I found my gaze wandering along the length of his body.  The afghan didn't cover much.  It looked pitifully small draped over Jim's large frame.  He was so beautiful!  I could feel the warmth emanating from his body.  He looked so vulnerable, prostrate on the floor, legs spread.  I could fuck him as much as I want and he probably won't even notice, I thought, my dick suddenly erect.

'NO!' I cried.  'Stop it.  I got to get away from him,' I muttered to myself.  Stay and I would abuse him again.  I wrote a hasty note on a piece of paper commanding him not to call or come by my dad's house. I gathered up my backpack and boots and bolted for the door.  Once outside, I allowed myself a couple of minutes to put on another pair of shorts and socks, not bothering with underwear, put on my boots, and strap on my headlamps.

I hiked back to my dad's place through the dark woods.  I wasn't scared of the beasts out there.  I was more scared of the beast within me.  I crept in quietly, knowing dad would already be in bed.  I cringed at every noise I made, but I heard dad snoring away when I reached the second floor.  I stole into my room and cried on my bed till I fell asleep.



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