My life continued the way it was for the next two years. Rafael and I were still a couple even though I continued to cheat on him. Heaven knows why I didn't just let him go and be free of me and my destructive ways. He knew about the drugs and the alcohol and tried as hard as he could to keep an eye on me, but because of our professions it was extremely hard for him to keep me on the straight and narrow and easier for me to tread a more dangerous path. It wasn't until November of 2007 that my life changed.


There was nobody at the apartment. The girls were off working in some remote island country and Rafael had a meeting with Sports Illustrated about a spread in their January issue. I hurriedly exited the taxi pulling Roscoe by the arm. We ran into the building, out of the heavy rain, into the elevator to the apartment above. As we burst through the door Roscoe immediately slid my coat off my shoulders and ripped my t-shirt from my frail body. I unbuttoned his shirt to expose his huge, smooth, black chest. I unzipped my jeans, and practically falling out of them stumbled toward the room. Just then Roscoe picked me up, slung me over his shoulder and under my direction carried me to the room Rafael and I shared. He pushed the door wide open and through me down onto the bed. He undressed himself, tossing his clothes with wild abandon. He walked towards the bed and I went to sit at its end. His groin was in line with my face and I pulled down his briefs to expose a 10-inch piece of ebony meat. It was hard and wide and veiny. I pulled back the foreskin and encircled the large head with my lips, massaging the underside with the tip of my cock. Roscoe groaned loudly and grabbed the back of my head and pushed my face further onto his cock, forcing it down my throat. I had sucked a lot of cock the past 5 years and I managed not to gag, unlike my first time with Hugo. I shut my eyes tight and with difficulty shrug the thought of him. 5 years, tons of men and he still managed to haunt me, especially during sex.

Roscoe forced me back and forth on his pole. I enjoyed the roughness with which he handled me; everybody else, including Rafael, handled me as though I'd break under the slightest of pressure. After ten minutes of deep-throating, Roscoe pushed me back onto the bed, lifted my ass up so that I was resting on my shoulder blades and stuck three thick fingers into my hole. I screamed at the unexpected pain at not one or two, but three fingers! I was uncomfortable in the position Roscoe had forced me into but I didn't complain.

Roscoe then stepped onto the bed; put his long muscular legs on either side of my half-lifted body and pointed his cock at my pink, pouting target. He lowered his midriff to mine, pushed my legs down on either sides of my head (who knew I was that flexible?) and stuffed his fat cock into my ass. Roscoe pumped me hard and long. He never slowed down once and the continuous rubbing of his penis against my prostate helped me reach orgasm, twice. Sweat dripped from his athletic body all over mine, mixing with the cum which I had sprayed all over my chest, neck and face. As Roscoe urged me toward a third orgasm, somebody appeared in the doorway of the bedroom. It was Rafael, his face blank and emotionless, and his eyes staring straight into mine. I stared back at him as a third orgasm rushed through my body. I squealed and threw my head back onto the wet duvet as I drenched myself with more cum. I looked up, expecting to see Rafael steaming with anger but he was gone. Roscoe who was not wearing a condom and came in my ass, filling me with his juices. He pulled his cock out and my body straightened out across the bed. Roscoe stepped forward and lowered his cum drenched cock over my face. I parted my lips and let him push his penis in until it hit the back of my mouth. For another ten minutes he fucked my mouth before withdrawing is tool, getting dressed and leaving. I lay there, covered in my cum and sweat as well as Roscoe's, thinking about what had just happened. I thought about what Rafael had seen, what he felt about what he had witnessed, if he would leave me, if he had already left. Maybe he hadn't even been there and it was just my imagination, me wanting him to see how I really felt, what I really was, what I had become. I got up, pulled the duvet off of the bed and headed to the bathroom for a shower. I scrubbed my exterior clean; the interior would take a lot more than a mere shower to purify. I climbed out of the shower, wrapped myself up in a robe and upon entrance into the bedroom bumped into Rafael.

'How long has this been going on,' he said quietly, almost a whisper.

'What?' I asked 'innocently'.

'You and that guy, sleeping together,' he said, his voice sounding shaky.

'Oh you mean Roscoe? I only met him today. He wanted a rough fuck and I let him have one,' I said nonchalantly. I could see the pain on Rafael's face now. His eyebrows sank and his skin became paler. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to hate me. I wanted him to leave me, abandon me. I didn't deserve him, not from the very beginning.

'So I'm not good enough for you anymore, is that it?' he questioned me.

'Oh Rafael, you were always very sweet, but I've always needed someone who was more of a man, someone who is not afraid to push me around, hurt me, dominate me,' I replied.

I calmly walked over to my dresser and started rummaging through some shirts.

'So this is about the sex, our lovemaking,' he deduced, his voice rising and becoming more aggressive.

'Yes Rafael,' I lied out loud, 'it's always lovemaking with you. I wish you would stop making love to me, stop loving me and just FUCK ME! It's what I've needed and you've never given it to me, you've never fucked me, you need to fuck me. Pull my head back and fuck me, push my face into the sheets and fuck me, put my hands behind and back and fuck me, fuck me hard!' I screamed at him, every word a lie, only to make him hate me, to make him leave me.

But his hands bunched up into fists and he launched at me. With one hand he disrobed me and with the other pushed me hard against the dresser. In a series of swift movements he had pinned me against the dresser. He had pushed my face up against the dresser mirror, held both my arms behind my back with one hand and pinned my legs with his much stronger ones. With the other hand he pushed my body down harder onto the dresser surface and lifted my right leg onto its surface too. My heart was racing and I for the first time was scared to be in his presence. He tightened his hold on my arms and my shoulders strained painfully. He further put all of his weight onto my back. He was heavy and I struggled to breath. He lifted his right leg to peg mine and used his now free hand to unzip his jeans.

'Rafael!' I screamed, 'You're hurting me!'

'This is what you want isn't it? A rough FUCK!' he screamed in my face, 'you want me to FUCK you. Isn't that what you want, a hard one?' I felt the tip his cock touch my exposed, helpless ass.

'No, please, you're hurting me,' I began to cry, the tears running profusely down my face and neck.

Just as I expected him to spear me with his cock, he let go of me and I fell to the floor. He towered above me but I was too afraid to look at him.

'You can't fucking handle rough,' he yelled at me, 'and you're too messed up to handle love. You're a confused child who doesn't know what he wants.' Rafael bent down to my level and turned my face towards his. 'Go home Alex, you will not find what you want here and I can't have you fuck around with my heart.'

He pushed me away from him, stood up and locked himself in the bathroom. I slowly got up, put some clothes on and left the apartment, to which I would only return once more.

By the time I reached Nirvana, a raunchy gay club in the hub of London's clubbing scene, it was already 22:30. I looked hot and had no problem getting drinks from guys. By 23:00 I had already downed two Smirnoffs, six shots of Scotland's finest and two gin martinis. The dance floor buzzed around me and I can't say not having had anything to eat in the past twelve hours helped me stay sober. I remember two guys coming up to me and grinding up against me. They were hard muscle studs and I took turns to rub my ass over their hard cocks. After a while they led me to a dark corner of the club. I remember a sharp object and the ripping of my jeans where my rosebud hid. One of the guys unzipped his pants and pulled out his cock. After some fingering I was made to sit on the guys cock. He fucked me and came inside me. I remember the other guy holding something up with one hand while feeding me with a tablet after which I ingested made everything more fun yet uncontrollable. After I had sat on the other guy's lap and they had used a serviette to clean me up, three other guys showed up and led me toward the exit. I remember walking down the street and then turning into a building. I also remember rows of white powder which helped render me helpless. I remember a round small round table on which I was made to lie down without any clothes. I remember tall light and dark objects around me, moving around me in no specific pattern. I remember the sensations in my midriff, the stuffing of large wet objects in my mouth and the feeling of liquids splattering on my face and body. Lastly I remember the flickering of a tiny red light in a far corner of the space I was in.

I woke up cold and wet on the sidewalk outside some building I had never been in before. My clothes stuck to my body and I realized I was covered in a sticky substance, by the spell of which I knew was cum. I could feel it running out of my anus too. What I didn't expect was to see drops of it fall to the pavement. I felt at my rear end and realized that my jeans and underwear had been sliced open at the back for an inconspicuous rear entry.

I wanted to throw up but there was nothing in me to spare. My wallet also seemed to be missing. Luckily I knew my apartment wasn't far from this place and was within walking distance. My head swirled as I stumbled along the route to my apartment building. My knees, back and rear end hurt, an excruciating pain then rendered me almost immobile. After what seemed like forever I ambled through the large glass doors of my building. An Indian porter that worked there immediately saw me and rushed over to help me.

'Sir, Mr Alexander, what happened, I should call the police? The hospital?' he asked furiously, draping my arm over his shoulder. Another porter saw us and rushed to my other side. Luckily there was nobody in the lobby.

'Just help me up,' I whispered.

The two porters helped me to the front door of my apartment and knocked on it until it swung open and Rafael appeared in front of me. The Indian porter began to speak, saying that I had appeared from the street looking like this and that I could hardly talk or walk. Rafael thanked them and said that he could handle it from there and the two porters reluctantly disappeared. Shivering, I fell into Rafael's arms. He swiftly picked me up and carried me to the bathroom. I heard the sound of the shower and felt two strong hands undress me. I remember the stench of the cum and sweat that soiled my clothes and caked my body and the red stains on my white, torn briefs. There was the sting of the hot water on my cold body and the gentle, yet thorough hands that cleaned me. I leaned against the hard body of Rafael, soaked but with me in the shower, sponging off the dirt. The last I could recall was Rafael drying and dressing me and putting me into bed. He slipped in next to me and I warmed myself by the heat of his body. And then I slept.

The heat forced me to open my eyes. There was sun all across the bed I was lying in and I was getting terribly hot. I sat up and looked around. Tammy came through the door.

'Oh honey, you're awake,' she gasped and leaned in to take me in her arms.

'How long have I been...'

'Asleep? Two days,' said Rafael, his head popping into the room. He pulled up a chair next to the bed, 'How are you feeling?'

I was embarrassed to say anything to him after our last episode. I had said and done some atrocious things. He could see the guilt on my face and he leaned into kiss my forehead.

'We'll talk about that later,' he said with a warm smile, 'but right now I need to know how you feel?'

'Uhm, I have a bit of a headache and I'm a bit sore, you know, down there.' I replied, a tear escaping my eye. Rafael wiped it away.

'Dr Stevens was here to check you out and he left you some medication.'

'I'm going to check what's taking Jessica so long with that breakfast,' said Tammy. She stood up and left the room. Rafael came to sit next to me on the bed.

'Look I know how things ended between us the other night and this is all my fault,' began Rafael, 'I shouldn't have acted and done the things I did to drive you away...'

'Rafael, this is not your fault. I orchestrated what happened between us. I wanted to hurt you, I wanted you to hate me and push me away. This, what happened to me is my rock bottom and I feel it was somewhat inevitable. I did this to myself. And you were right about me not being able to handle anything...' I said tearfully.

'Wait Alex, I didn't mean...' I cut him off.

'I came to London because I was running away and I see that now. I am confused and completely messed up. I do love you Rafael but not in the way I wish I could. I am so sorry for everything.'

'Don't be, I knew what you were like when you first came here and that is the Alex I will remember. I only hope that you will remember me when you return home.'

'Home?' I asked

'Yes, I called your parents and told them what happened. They're coming to fetch you in two days.' He explained.

I cried in Rafael's and thanked him for being one of the best men I knew and for helping me return home, to my rehab.


The next day Katie turned up at my front door. She had heard about what happened a day after it had and had, according to Tammy, taken on the role of principle caretaker. This day she arrived with a newspaper in hand. I choked at the sight of what I saw. In it, pictures of me doing cocaine, me sucking a blurred out cock and me lying on a table with a cock up my ass and one in each hand. My face was clear and unblemished, unlike the blurred out privates. Not only that but according to the article there was a four hour sex tape of me and these five guys having sex not only on the table but on a bed, a sofa and the club. According to another report there was loads of double penetrations and unprotected sex. Rafael said that the doctor had taken a blood sample to test in case my assailants had not used condoms.

As I sulked all day, not leaving the apartment, Katie was bombarded with calls from all the fashion houses I represented. They were buying me out and replacing me. I could no longer represent them. And just like that I had started and ended my amazing career. Luckily I had made a great deal of money, somewhere around 36 million pounds. It could be a while until I had to find another job.

The next day, December the first, I met my parents at the door. They helped me pack up my belongings and clean up the mess I had left behind. I had last seen them a year and a half ago, yet it felt as though they had been with me every step of the way. As though I hadn't abandoned them for all this time.

That evening I hugged and kissed Katie, Jessica, Tammy and Rafael farewell. I was going back to South Africa, back home.


Dane du Toit


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