Originally posted on my personal blog https://desimunda.wordpress.com/ as part of my ongoing love-story from my real life incidents between my roommate and me.
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“Why” this Kolaveri… Di?
After the last night event, when we got up next morning, I decided to ask him about last night events. It was important for me to know “What” made him go so wild and dis-respect my feelings like this? I wanted to know “Why” was he behaving like he behaved all the way from PVR back to our room and then why the hell he did not think about me? It was important for me to know whether I was being used just as a sex-object for his sexual pleasures?
The fresh mind after getting up from the bed is the best time to get the truth. Mostly people are close to their natural instincts and more truthful and factual. I was careful to be diplomatic and polite instead of behaving rudely.
I woke up before him and was lying on my bed planning about how should I start the conversation so as not to ruin start of our first work-day of the week. I looked to my right where he was sleeping next to me. He was still asleep. I went close to his face and he suddenly opened his eyes. May be he was already awake or sensed me from my body odor (although I don’t think that it was any body odor) but somehow he sensed me there and opened his eyes. I was very close to his face and looking at his beautiful face with sharp nose, pink juicy lips and silky hair when he opened his shiny eyes and passed an attractive smile to me with a flying kiss and wished me “Good Morning darling!“.
I smiled back to him and before I could wish him back a “Good morning”, he grabbed me in his arms, pulled my face down and kissed on my lips, and then he said, “Now it is a good morning for me.” We were both bare-chest as we did not wear anything on top after taking shower. He was still partially embracing me with his left hand resting on my back.
I smiled back again and was amused by his act that made me think how did he master the art of flirting so effectively? He was looking at my face and started moving his right hand fingers in my hair to comb them. This brought me out of my thoughts. I asked him, “So… feeling fresh now?” He replied, “Always with you“.
I thought it is better to directly jump to the topic, I asked, “Would you mind telling me, what was all this last night? I have never seen you behaving like this before. It was a shocking surprize for me. In fact, I got scared after seeing your this new and totally unexpected wild attitude.“
He kept silently massaging and fingering my hair silently. Then he smiled, and asked me, “Be honest ! Didn’t you like it?”. He paused and then continued, “You don’t need to answer me. I already know it. You need to answer it to yourself.“
I was all ears now, trying to understand what he was trying to tell me.
There was a silence for a moment and then he continued, “You forgot I am also a living human being. I do have emotions, feelings like yours. I also feel the love, the hate, the hunger like others. I am also young and living with some dreams. No one gave you a right to play with my emotions at will and break them whenever you want. I adore you. I love you more than I have loved anything in my life except my Mom, and will keep loving you forever. But you did not try to understand it. Besides my love for you, I do have some sexual needs and cravings. I was controlling it for a long time. I did it. I tried my best. But it was you who always jumped the sides and played with my emotions. You may have done it unknowingly but you seduced me many times. You knew I am longing for you, and you gave me mixed signals all the time. You touch me when you are in good mood or feeling happy. It may be just a friendly touch for you. But I don’t have a permission to touch you, why so? You are my weakness. Your body is my weakness. You knew it very well. Still, you flaunt it to exploit my feelings for you and make me feel more insecure? It is like the dish is “served” but in-accessible. You have time for strangers like Divyangana but no time for me? You made me feel jealous; feel insecure. More I tried to adapt to your rules, more you were getting away from me. I suppressed many times my feelings for you, my desires of physical intimacy with you, my desires to touch you and that you touch me. You knew it very well. But you made it all very hard and restrictive for me. I started feeling suffocating, insecure and under pressure.“
I was stunned. It was not making any sense to me. It sounded all like false accusations. He was putting all sort of blames on me and was making me responsible for all what he did yesterday. Whey did I seduce him? Was it wrong to help him in bath when he was weak and was not able to even walk right after his discharge from nursing home? Was it wrong that I followed his suggestion to take off my vest or T-Shirt and sleep bare chested in hot and humid summer nights? Do I not have a right to live the way I want and spend my time with my other friends?
I stopped him in between… “Wait ! Wait !! Wait !!! This is all bull shit. When did I try to seduce you? When did I exploited your feelings or played with your emotions? And do you mean to say just because you love me, I don’t deserve a personal space in my own life? I don’t have a right to go out with other friends or talk to them?” I was furious with his allegations of injustice done by me and I noticed that my voice tone and breathing speed had already increased.
“Hey ! Sweetu !! Calm down. I did not mean to offend you. I am not blaming you for anything. You wanted to know what made me behave like this, so I just shared my condition with you just to have you an idea what sort of psychological and emotional pressures I am undergoing.“, He said patting me on my shoulder. He further added, “You know it that I love you, and will always keep you loving till last breath of my life, whether you love me or not. No body can now take your place in my life, even if I wish it to happen. It is just impossible. I cannot hurt you ever, or your feelings either. For me, you and your happiness is my first priority and only thing in my life for which I am living.You might have already noticed it yesterday. I was horny, badly desperate to have sex with you and under emotional and psychological pressures to make you mine before someone else (read “Divangana” here) snatches you away from me but besides all this, I was able to control my feelings, my desires last night and did nothing that you really did not want to.“
He did not finish here. He continued further, “As far as it is a matter of seducing me, I already told you that it may not be a deliberate action from you but for me such small incidents matter a lot because these gave me a hint or a hope for “us” being together someday. Remember, caressed my chest and then you pinched my nipple watching that online Chinese TV show – Heroin the Addiction series? Do you remember when you hugged me and joined me when I was stroking that night (masturbating) and had bitten me on my nipple? Do you remember when you hugged me and embraced me and kissed me and told me that “I need not to be sorry!” – you were also bare chest and you body was in full touch with my body and you were on top of me? Was it all fake? There are many moments in my memory. I had prepared myself mentally to live my life the way I deserved but you created hopes in me, and when I made advances you always scolded me or stopped talking to me or preferred other friends over me. Why was I being punished and ignored? I know it very well everyone has a personal space, so do I. You entered in that personal space and made a permanent space when I was trying to keep myself away from you. Do you know how hard it is to face frequent rejections, especially from the only love in your life? I do not intend to interfere in your choice of life or life partner. I do wish that you be mine but I will somehow manage and be happy if you are happy with someone else, but it cannot go both ways together.“
There was a silence in the room for some moments. He broke the silence and said, “You know what’s wrong with you? You are being too restrictive and judgemental to yourself. You know it that you like me, and probably love me too … and that you get sexually aroused by touching my body or if I touch your body, but you are not willing to accept it for whatever prejudices in your mind. You should at least give it a try. Live your life free of all such restrictions and don’t be judgemental. Let the life freely flow. Follow you heart for some time and see what makes you feel happy. No one can force you, at least not me. I am always here to see you happy. Forgive me if my stupidity last night caused all these troubles.“
I was speechless at his humble yet powerful way of telling me that I was wrong. Yes, I was really wrong and played with his sentiments and that’s too in disguise of helping him. I needed some more time for introspection. I got up from the bed as we were getting late to get ready for office.