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We Weren't Even Friends
Sorrows, Secrets, and Signs
After the Confrontation
I run upstairs after Carter and Brandon, pissed off beyond all belief. I cannot believe he kissed Ken. I really don't understand what's going on. And I'm left with so many questions of my own. I really threw this party for Ken, that is what Carter was right about? But, was I watching them? And why did Brandon choose Ken? I see Carter sitting outside of my house with Brandon. He is sobbing uncontrollably. He looks hysterical. I have never seen him hurt before, ever, but I did this to him. How could I? This isn't even on me though. He hid whatever he is hiding from me. He did this to himself by not trusting me all of the way. But, I still need to apologize. I need to make this better.
"Brandon..." I say quietly.
Carter gets up, fuming, and he looks ready to fight. I never thought a guy so skinny could be so intimidating, but his was were fiery.
"What in the hell could you possibly want with him?" he yelled at me quietly.
"I want to apologize," I say looking away.
"You don't deserve to apologize. You ostracized your best friend at a party, about something he may have wanted to know about himself for a long time. You mocked him openly, you yelled at him. You don't even deserve to be his friend, McDevitt," he said aggressively in my face.
"You act like you know so much Carter, but you don't know a thing about me. Not a damn thing," I say back.
"I think you forgot that I have only had one drink tonight, Mike. I saw you watching from the door. You were there for quite a while. You may not have known it, but you were watching them. Something in you was intrigued, a curiosity was there. You cannot deny that it was there," he said as he gently pushed against my garage door.
"What are you talking about?" I ask almost in vain.
Was I standing there for a long time? I was kind of watching. Watching Brandon as he gently moved Ken's bangs to stare into his eyes. Watching Ken accept his kiss... Oh God, why? Is this why I wanted to get to know Ken more? So I could be in that situation. So I could kiss him?
"You know. You wanted to be there. I bet you wanted to be in Brandon's position. You wanted to be with Ken," he said as he nuzzled his neck into mine, and I moaned loudly, extremely turned on just by the picture.
It was like Carter read my mind. And he knew it too. He knew what buttons to press. All of this was passing when Steph came outside.
"Steph! This isn't what it looks like, Babe!" I said pleadingly.
"Enough, we are through, I heard what you said to Brandon. You have no right to be so vain and ignorant," She said as she turned her head at me.
She walked up to Brandon and he wept into her.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm just so confused," he screamed into her chest.
"It's okay, honey. It's okay. You're allowed to feel this way. You can like whoever you like. And I'm done with Mike because of what he said to you," Steph said gently as she rubbed his hair.
"But why? He's right... I am a fag. I'm worthless," he said as he got up and walked towards me.
Carter backed off of me and went to the porch and grabbed Tess. He glared at me the whole was and as he grabbed her, they watched Brandon starting me down, angry, sad, and defeated.
"That's right, isn't it, Mike? Throw it out there! Tell me how it is! Since you're so goddamn perfect, since your shit is sweeter than saccharin," Brandon said he pushed me again.
Hearing him yell at me is horrible. The look in his face, saddens me. The tears, killing me. I'm starting to cry too. How could I be this way? How... knowing where I started, where I came from, I became a snob.
"I'm sorry," I say to him.
A punch to the chest. Fuck, he is stronger than I thought.
"Are those tears Mike? Stop hiding underneath all of your walls!" he says to me.
"Brandon..." I call out to him.
"You like to watch and fantasize, but you don't have to balls to explore what you dream of? You're the worst kind of person," he says yelling at me again.
"You don't know if I'm gay, I could be, I don't know, how could I unless I feel both sides? Maybe I am a fag? Maybe I'm not. But, I expected that you would be there for me. You have it all, all the money in the world, the parents, the materials, the support, all the talent and looks needed to do anything, but there is one thing you truly lack, the ability to be a friend," he yells at me again, poking me in the chest.
"You don't know what I've been through," I say as I continue to back up into nothing, just wishing to disappear.
"You say that all the time! Tell me, then," he says even louder.
"I can't..." I say in tears, falling to the ground.
"There you go with those walls again, see ya Mike, my cab's here," he says coldly as he gets in.
Everyone stares at me as he leaves and their cabs get here too. I can't move. His words are sinking into me. I'm a bad friend. I have all of these walls built up. I'm ignorant. I'm... a horrible person. The worst kind of person... It's stinging me in places I never thought I could have feeling in. Matty and Kyle are the only ones left, but they are sleeping, so I go up to my room and cry. My girlfriend broke up with me , my best friend hates me, and I realized I shouldn't exist. Time to go to sleep, I'll face it when I wake up, I guess...
It's hard to believe that a year ago, I was in the closet, not knowing anything that I felt for Ryan. And now that I'm in college, it seems like the dumbest decision staying in there. Well, maybe it wasn't. Getting away from that homophobic town was the best thing Ryan and I ever did. Sure, there are a couple people who really don't like gay people here, but most of them eventually warm up to us, because we keep our public affection down to a minimum and we come off as straight. A month and a half into our first semester here, Ryan and I seemed to find plenty of things to do. We joined a bunch of clubs, working part-time, and getting good grades thus far. Evan and Grant are doing well, too. They are a couple buildings over, but they are currently taking a break just to see where they are at. I don't blame them, it is kind of hard keeping all of the good eye candy away, but they are new to their relationship, so college seems like the best place to test the waters. Ryan walks in with a towel around his waist, steam still pouring off of him, short blonde hair all rustled, abs showing off, the v that leads down to the dick I have come to love.
"Hey sexy," he coos to me as I wrap my arms around his waist and kiss him.
I hear Ken yawn so I break off the kiss as Ryan gets dressed. He rolls out of the bed and stands on two feet, holding his head. I go grab a couple pills for his hangover and give him a granola bar and hand them to him.
"Good morning, Ken," I say quietly, knowing how hungover he is.
"Morning," he says groggily.
He stretches and I can see how ripped this kid is underneath his polo. Wow... he looks so skinny, hard to believe he can be so jacked.
"Where am I?" he says shocked, realizing he's somewhere he has never been before.
"Well, you are at one of the dorm buildings on campus," I say with a chuckle.
Holy shit. What? I'm on campus? Oh... I kind of remembered what happened now. I was helping Brandon with his shorts button and he kissed me... And then Mike came in and then I guess I ran out...
I remember meeting James, but I have no clue who this other dude is. He looks a lot like Brandon, a little taller, body more defined, with a little darker hair.
"Morning Ken, eyes are up here," he says to me in a deep voice.
"Sorry, it's just that you look so much like my friend, Bran..." I say blushing before he cuts my off.
"Brandon. Yeah, you thought that I was him last night. Appears you two had some sort of mishap. I'm Ryan Gallagher," he says as he offers his hand.
"Nice to met you," I say in return.
"So, apparently you and this Brandon kid made out? Is he your boyfriend?" James asks me.
"No! I'm not gay," I say defensively.
"It's okay if you are, Ryan and I have been together for a about a year now," he says as Ryan wraps his arm around James' waist.
"Wait, you two are gay!? You look so straight!" I say in shock.
"Hahaha, well, he's pansexual, I'm gay," Ryan says with a laugh.
"So why did you and this Brandon kid make out then, other than the alcohol?" James asks with a laugh.
"I don't know. He was having trouble buttoning his shorts, so he asked me to help, and he played with my hair, then I moaned... then he just kind of kissed me," I say slowly, piecing the events of the night together.
"Come on, sit down, did you kiss him back?" James and Ryan offered me a seat on their bed between them.
I can feel the tears coming. I did kiss him back. I can't be gay. I can't be. Everybody was right at my old school, in my old life. I am a fag. I burst out crying, and they held me as I cried. Maybe I never did like girls. Maybe I just wanted to fit in. My whole life is a lie. I am... gay.
"Yes, I did," I said, attempting to fight the tears.
"It's okay, it's really hard to figure this stuff out. It was really hard for the both of us, too. At least, here, you have an accepting community ready to help you out. And we will always be out there to help you," James and Ryan said.
"And hell, you have some really hot guys running around who would kill to get with you. You're a great looking guy," Ryan says as he grabs my shoulder.
They really make this whole ordeal easier on me. I'm comforted. Scared still, but they really know how to help somebody who's going through this stuff. We talk some things out. I learn that Ryan was in a coma a couple months ago, how they have been giving talks about LGBT acceptance across the country, and it really helps me out. I want to talk to Mike and Brandon again. I want to sort this out.
After the party, well, party-gone-trainwreck, I decided I was going to do a little research on the two people that still elude me when it comes to their pasts. Something seems amiss with the both of them. Kenneth has yet to mention a single portion of his past, no mention of parents, no mention of siblings, no mention of where he even lives to me. And McDevitt, came to our school about a year and a half ago, but the McDevitt family has always been in that location. Was he private schooled? Or is there something more? When Brandon tried to pry his past out of him, he shut down. And I think Mike has been running away from himself for a long time. I would try to fuck the lad if he wasn't so damn arrogant. The bulging muscles, the cocky smile, the huge bulge in his pants, the beautifully sculpted body, oh, he makes me hard just thinking about him. I do wish I was there to see Ken and Brandon make out too, I bet that was hotter than anything I have seen in a while. The things I would do to those three... Little do I know, I already have my cock in hand, and am pulling on it slowly, picturing myself as the one that Brandon's tongue is playing with. Mmmm... he's kissing my nipples and sucking on my navel right and he's tracing his tongue around my cock, licking the shaft and Ken begins to rim me. And McDevitt is sliding his cock in and out of my mouth, throat fucking me, making me gag. And then Ken starts to fuck me, sliding his huge cock in and out of me, getting the most out of his not so straight fantasies, pounding me harder, and harder, and harder, until I cum everywhere, in real life and in my fantasy. Shit... Ah... beautiful. Well, back to work. There's nothing that the internet does not have the answer to.
"Kenneth Quinn," I say aloud as I type in the search bar.
Shit, no results of a kid. Hmmmm... I'll look into where he said he moved from.
"Adopted Boy Runs Away From Home..." I read aloud.
"One month, ago, Kenneth Quinn, 17 at the time, ran away from the area without a trace. All of his possessions are missing, as well as his 2001 Honda Civic, painted blue..." I read aloud.
"He was an aloof child, not well liked in school, just kind of kept to himself. He always seemed distant, but his work was always superb," one of his teachers had said.
That's him down to the tee. Except his Civic is now black. He ran away from home... I wonder why. I mean, there are some really shitty parents out there. And he's adopted, so I feel as though that increases the chances for having a shitty life. I need to talk to him about this after I let this whole situation with him, Brandon, and Mike cool down.
Fuck. Head's pounding. It's two in the afternoon. Luckily, I keep an inexhaustible supply of headache medication in my room. I open the minifridge and grab a water. The cold rush is a bit much for me right now, but I won't regret it later. I slide open my phone to see if anybody has texted me. Eightteen missed calls and five texts messages. Jesus. Let me see who they are from. One of the texts is from Carter, one of the calls from Tess, a voicemail from Kyle, a call from Ken, probably to tell me he hates me, and the rest are from Mike, who I want to hate.
"Hey B, I really need to talk to you about last night. Call me later," one of his texts says.
"Please buddy, I need to get this off my chest," another from him.
"I know you're mad at me, just give me a chance," another from that asshole.
"Hey buddy, if you need anybody to talk to, just give me a ring," Carter.
"Please Brandon, I need you. Please, get back to me," the last text.
Kyle left a message saying he had no clue what happened last night. What an animal. Tess and Ken didn't leave messages. Shit, phone's beeping. Mike...
"What?" I say coldly.
"I'm sorry," he says.
"Okay," I say as I hang up the phone.
And the phone's already ringing.
"Can we just talk?" he asks nicely.
"No," I say as I hang up again.
And again with the fucking ringing. How dare he try to repair something that he broke so carelessly?
"Just listen to me!" he yelled.
"I am, shoot," I said, knowing he is not going to leave me alone.
"About last night," he said
"What about it?" I replied angrily cutting him off.
"Just listen," he says quietly.
"... You there?" he asks politely.
"Yeah..." I say a little kinder than before.
"You know, I really took you for granted. I really have taken things for granted, everything, since I got here. And I only realized that after I was left alone. Steph left me, you left me, and I was left for cold, something I didn't expect. I had it all, but then my world came crashing down on me last night, because of what I had said. You mean the world to me Brandon, the alcohol kicked in, taking away my rational thought, and truth be told, I was jealous at the time. I wondered why it wasn't me there instead of him. Why you never kissed me. I don't know if you're not straight and that's fine with me, but I wanted to let you know that I will be there for you now, because I never was before. I was always jealous whenever anybody would ever talk to you, because they got to be with that awesome person that I call my best friend..." he says sadly.
It's hard to take it all in. He's never sweet, hardly even nice really, always a bit of a cynic and this is over the top. I'm just trying to let it all sink in.
"Brandon..." he says again.
"Yeah," I say softly.
"...Never mind. I gotta go," he says after a long pause.
"Mike. Don't," I say holding my hand out to catch him, but he's not here.
"What?" he says.
"I accept your apology... See you... tomorrow," I say.
"See ya," he says quietly as he hangs up.