Wanting to be wanted

Throughout high school, college and starting life as a self sufficient adult I fought it, ignored it, denied it, and was miserable. Life wasn't miserable, I grew up in a regular family and did all the things the typical middle class teenager did; things were actually really comfortable. As far as looks, I was blessed with amazing genes. Even as a child people commented about how good looking a boy I was, and a teen and a young man. A lady-killer. Drop dead gorgeous. Tall dark and handsome. All three were used so often I came to almost dislike when I heard them. But it was true. I was good looking. Amazing bone structure, thick dark hair, stunning blue eyes, almost flawless skin and teeth so white they looked as if they would glow. Of course working out gave me a body that complemented my natural looks. I am the kind of guy who others hate, lust after or want to be.

My folks never let my looks get to my head. They gave me chores and kept me level headed. The girls, they noticed me too. The day I began eight grade one of the older girls, she was 16, started paying attention to me and it took almost two days before she took my virginity. What fourteen year old isn't going to be thrilled to have sex? She decided I was her's and she made sure we had sex nearly every day after school. She also made sure all her friends knew it too. When she tired of me she broke up and the next day one of her girl friends decided I was her new boyfriend. Thus went my last four years of school.

I am not complaining. It was sex and I was always popular to the degree that girls wanted me. Guys gave me shit for always having a girlfriend but I think they were jealous of the sex I was having. I wasn't as thrilled with it. Not once did I feel like I had been on cloud nine. Eating pussy was ok but I did it because it was expected. Frankly, I enjoyed the orgasm but wasn't thrilled with the person giving it to me. Correction, wasn't thrilled with the gender of the person getting me off. I liked guys.

College was more of the same. Regular sex, with women while I lusted after guys. The fear of trying something with a guy was paramount to waking up one day and being homely. I knew my looks worked to my advantage but wanted to be successful in whatever format by my abilities. Not taking the perks of being attractive was something I didn't know how not to do. It was as frustrating as wanting to be with men while having sex with women.

After graduation I did the job search thing and finally found something that required moving to a new city. A little networking allowed me to find a friend of a friend who needed a roommate and I found myself in an apartment with a guy who was nice enough but home almost every evening. It wasn't really a dump of a place, but it wasn't much to show off either. In all it was a typical first apartment in a big city shared by two guys who had not been working long enough to have anything and didn't care.

I spent my time at work, exploring the city and hitting the gym. I also allowed myself to check out guys, something I resisted most of my life. Being in a new environment and responsible for myself gave me time to think and my thoughts were focused on one thing. I was gay. I was also so incredibly horny for man sex I couldn't stand it.

Terrified, bewildered and unable to resist, I went to a popular gay bar in town. Thankfully the city was larger enough to have several gay bars or hot spots and I felt comfortable enough and anonymous enough that I could go in without fear of being seen by someone I knew. It was a Thursday, I didn't dare go on a Friday, and I dressed in a decent pair of jeans and a nice pullover. Walking toward the building, reaching for the door handle and pulling it open had my heart pounding. I even looked at my chest to see if it was visible.

It wasn't very dark, it wasn't crowded and I swear every man in the place stopped talking and turned to look at me. I could even tell that a spotlight had been turned on and was shining on me. Looking around I spotted a television. Terrified I stood and watched it for a moment expecting to see my face appear with a running text line stating I was gay, closeted and a virgin. Relief set in when I noticed the TV was playing some gay porn. Whew!

Making my way to the bar I sat down. Moments later the bartender came up to me and smiled. "First time huh. Relax, breathe and let me buy you a drink. What will it be?"

He was in his forties and nothing about him screamed homosexual. Except for his tee shirt. In the colors of the rainbow it read PRIDE. I ordered a run and coke and tried to relax. Not sure if I should or could look around at the other patrons I focused on my drink and the TV. Of course the hot guys on screen, sucking cock and fucking, turned me on. The drink didn't last long and the bartender brought me another one. I sucked that one down in a couple minutes. Shit I was nervous. As I looked up at the bartender to order another a man saddled up next to me and sat down.

"Either those drinks of yours are terribly interesting or you are nervous as hell to be here. Name's Joe." He reached out his hand. I did the same. He was a normal looking man, short hair that was thinning, bulky in a combination of muscle and just being a bigger guy with a scruffy face.

"Dean."

"First time Dean?"

The bartender brought each of us a drink. I took a sip and coughed a little, it was not a rum and coke, it was strong! "First time?" Did he know I was a virgin? Closeted?

"First time for what ever it is your are nervous about. My guess is first time in a gay bar for a young man who hasn't accepted he likes cock. Knows he wants to try it but terrified he will love it and doesn't know what he will tell his family and friends." He took a sip of his drink. I did the same. "Dean, this is new territory for you but it isn't new to me or any of the guys in this place or any of the millions of guys who have had to take that first step, what ever step it was they needed to take. You will be fine."

He took another sip. I took a larger sip.

"That obvious?"

He smiled.

"Yeah, I am nervous. Don't know what to expect."

"What to expect? You are here for a reason. Expect that reason to happen. Dean, it isn't science. My guess is you are here because you can't stand it any more. You are here to find a guy who will have sex with you. But you are afraid to find him. What if you do find a guy and have sex with him? Then what? Date him? What if you don't like him? Do you stay the night? Call him in the morning? Dean, don't complicate it. If you are here to finally get laid, with a guy, find a guy, just pick one. Tell him what you want. Take him home, have sex. Don't think about it. Don't analyze it. Don't try and figure anything out."

He took a sip. I finished mine.

"See, society tells us that sex, especially the first time, is suppose to be romantic and mean something. That's bullshit. The first time you are so excited to finally be having sex you aren't mentally in a position to have meaningful, loving sex. All that matters, that first time, is getting laid and shooting your load. Period. The first few times are the same."

The bartender brought me another drink.

"Best advice I can give you, or any guy who is waiting for the first time, is to find a guy, tell him you're cherry and ask him to fuck. Make damn sure you use a condom and that he does too! Put the thing on his cock for him. But get laid. Think about it the next day."

My mind was swimming. The booze, the shit he was saying, my stress and anxiousness were all swirling about my head.

"Joe? Fuck me?"

He smiled. "Finish your drink kid."

He sucked his down. I did the same. He stood up and I followed him. As we stepped out into the early evening, the sun had just set; he put his arm around my shoulders and leaned into me. In a hushed voice, not quite a whisper, he said, "Dean. Tonight you are going to get fucked. You will suck cock. And you will finally be rid of this virgin shit."

I swear I was erect and hoped no one would notice.

The walk to his place took about fifteen minutes. He didn't speak and I had no idea what to say so there was nothing but sexually charged silence. As we stepped into the elevator he told me to relax. He wasn't going to hurt me, would use condoms and send me home safely. It was reassuring, except the part about condoms, plural. How many did he need? I smiled and said thank you. A moment later his hand was on my ass, squeezing my cheek and sliding to the other side. "This is grade A ass Dean. Gonna enjoy it." I looked forward and didn't say a word. His hand continued to move on my ass until we reached his floor. His hand moved from my ass to grasp my hand and he led me to the door of his apartment.

My cock had not risen to the point of full erection, but I was plump and ready. Stepping inside he turned on a few lights and asked if I wanted any water. I declined. He brought me a glass anyway.

"Dean, strip down, lets see if you got the body I think you have." He stood, fully dressed and watched me as I slowly removed my tee and jeans. My briefs were full of my cock as it continued to grow.

"Don't stop. Let's see the goods."

I slowly reached to remove my briefs. My heart was pounding again. I was panicky. Sure I had stripped down in locker rooms but not once had I ever taken off my clothes so another man could look at my body, as if it were an object. Briefs at my ankles I stood tall. He walked up to me and reached for my cock. The second his hand made contact it jumped into a full hard on. "Nice." He continued to stroke, almost pet my body. "Turn around." I did and waited for direction. "Bend over, show my your hole. Did you clean out yet?"

"Clean out?" I bent over and did a half squat.

"We will get to that. Grab a cheek in each hand and show me your hole."

Doing as he asked I remained bent over, hard and my hole exposed. He told me to stand up and face him. My surprise was seeing him standing completely naked, his body rather average, not fat but not ripped. His cock looked normal; at least it did to me. "It's not going to suck itself Dean. Come over and enjoy." His tone was polite, solid and rather inviting. I stepped forward got to my knees and for the first time wrapped my hand around another man's cock.

My head was filled, my senses on overload as I took in the taste, texture and sensation of a cock on my lips, in my mouth, and going down my throat. I worked on his balls and did my best to give him a halfway decent blowjob. He made a few noises but I wasn't paying much attention. All my focus was on trying to do a decent job sucking his cock.

After some time he pushed away from me. His hand went on my head and he pushed me away. "Now you have tasted cock. Time to clean out." He walked away and I followed. In the shower he showed me how to clean out. I felt a bit like an object, he was not rude; it was rather clinical or business like. After I was clean he told me to towel off. Watching me he smiled. "Dean. You will make plenty of men very happy."

He walked away again and I followed. We stopped in his bedroom. "Here I get to enjoy that ass and I am going to enjoy it. On the bed, ass in the air."

Sure I had seen pictures and video of guys rimming. I had no idea it was that amazing. The physical sensations took over and I lost consciousness of anything other than how Joe was making my body feel. Moaning, groaning and at least twice I begged him for more as he rimmed and fingered my hole.

"This is it Dean. My cock is about to enter that virgin hole of yours. Stay with me."

His voice brought me back to the room, my body naked, legs in the air spread wide, Joe's hands on each thigh, his cock erect. "Slide this condom on me so I can get in."

Leaning forward, it was a little awkward; I took the condom from him and rolled it onto his cock. Leaning back on my elbows I tried to see him as his released my thighs and grabbed his cock with one hand and pulled my cheek to the side. Feeling the head of his cock at my hole, which tight because it hadn't had anything up it before, was well loosened. He pushed and smiled and leaned in.

Once he was all the way in, to the pubes, he looked at me, pulled all the way out and winked. "No longer cherry. Now to fuck you."

Damn. It hurt. It felt amazing. It was painful. It was the best feeling I had ever had. He fucked me as I laid back and grabbed the sheets and moaned. I loved it. Pulling out he grabbed his cock, removed the condom and jerked twice before shooting his load on me. "Dean. I christen you a bottom. Congratulations stud, you are no longer a virgin."

Part of me wanted to cry. Part of me wanted to shout. I smiled. Joe sat down next to me and flopped onto his back. "Come and suck me hard again."

Feeling exhausted and rejuvenated I got on the floor, spread his legs and began sucking his cock, balls and thighs.

Some time later, and two additional condoms, Joe told me it was time to go home. Not sure how to handle this exit I stood naked and bewildered.

"Dean. Don't think. Your mind is in the stratosphere. Get dressed and go home. Take a shower, or not, and crawl into bed. Enjoy the feeling you are having. You just got laid."

So I did as he said.

He was right. My mind was flying. I had been fucked. Several times. I had sucked cock, been sucked and a whole world of man on man sex and I loved it all. It was late and I had work in the morning. A shower and off to dreams of sex.

All day at work my mind replayed what I could remember. It wasn't the alcohol. Sure I had a few drinks but I hadn't been so drunk I was clueless. His point of the first time being such a mental mess of thoughts and emotions was so accurate it was a little scary. As the day wore on I began to think about how he wasn't rude or disrespectful, but he was focused of his own pleasure. Granted he rimmed and fingered me well, he explored my body, there wasn't any pain, aside from the minor assault of a cock in a virgin hole. It was rather like he was using my body, respectfully but as an object. I sprang a boner.

After work I did my usual work out, showered and tried to clean out as he had shown me. Granted I didn't have a nozzle but I tried. My hole was a little tender but not sore. My mind was in overdrive. I wanted to have sex again, immediately.

Dressing in the same jeans and a clean tee, that fit a little tighter than the one from the night before, I left for the bar. It was about an hour later than Thursday's arrival. My heart pounding, my cock itching, my body was thirsty for sex. Specifically I wanted Joe to use me again.

Twice the number of guys was inside when I arrived. I made my way to the bar and ordered a rum and coke. The bartender, the same guy as the night before brought me a drink but it wasn't rum and coke. It was the same drink that Joe had introduced me to. Was he here? Curiosity got the best of me. I slammed the drink, ordered another and started to stroll thru the bar looking for Joe. The men were of all styles, types and ages. More than a few smiled at me, a few winked. I was interested in finding Joe.

Finally I saw him, standing at a table with three other men who looked like Joe. They were the same age bracket, body shape and build and average looking. As I approached they stopped talking and Joe smiled. "My friends, this is Dean. He was a virgin yesterday, I changed that. Amazing ass."

I smiled and felt a little stupid. He introduced me to his friends and we chatted a bit. I was going a little crazy because I wanted to have sex with Joe again, I wanted to suck his cock and I wanted to be fucked. He wasn't responding to any hints I gave and almost acted like he wasn't interested. Not able to stand it a moment longer I blurted out, to the entire table, "Joe, you want to fuck me tonight?"

That was one way to get their attention. Joe looked at me and smiled. "Not really Dean. Don't get me wrong, I had a great time last night and I loved taking your cherry, being the first to shove his cock into your ass, but I am a one shot kinda guy."

My heart sank. He wasn't interested? I had done everything he asked, everything he wanted to do. Now he wasn't interested?

"Listen Dean. Just because I am not interested doesn't mean you can't get laid tonight. I bet any of these fine gentlemen would be happy to fuck you."

Looking at their faces, they all smiled and were clear that fucking me would be a pleasure. I wasn't sure what to do. Oddly I was attracted to all of them, yet not.

"How about this Dean, The guys guess your age, whoever is closest gets to take you home?"

What? A game? Not thinking I nodded.

That is how it started. The first man who hit on me took my virginity. After that I found myself at the bar, in time at parties, allowing the men decide who was going to fuck me, take me home or get a blow job. Something about being treated like an object, a prize, just a hot body to use, turned me on.

I continued to work hard, work out and take care of myself. In time I found myself a sort of tramp. The hot studs were of little interest to me. Sure I had sex with guys who were good looking and well built, but most of the time it was with guys who were older, out of shape and very average. My reputation as an easy fuck didn't take long to establish. Guys would invite me to a party knowing they would be able to get me naked, offering blowjobs, making out, and just being a general party toy. And I loved it.

My looks had been a perk my entire life. People treated me differently. Part of me resented it because I was treated as an object. Now I was in control of it. Having sex with several guys on weekends was the norm. Hosting a party and making sure all the guests had the chance to get inside me was rather fun. Some guys were on the side of rude and condescending, most were appreciative. It didn't matter much to me as long as I had a man touching me.