I complained that the game is too hard and got his reply in my box:
Did you even bother to read the directions in your game guide at all? Read your game guide. It is non-fiction with no pictures of hot guys inside; so, it is something you are still allowed to look at.
So, I am now reading the “brownie point” section of the guide:
All about Brownie Points
You must always combine two or more tasks simultaneously, as has previously been explained. No credit is given for a single task completed by itself. If you combine two or more tasks in a creative non-obvious way, then you may be entitled to receive a brownie point.
Brownie points are like gold to you in the game. If you have one saved up, then you can spend it whenever you want to either discard or replace a card that you either can’t or just really don’t want to do. You take the card that you least want to do, remove it, and just shuffle it back into the deck. It will come back to haunt you some other day, maybe.
Goddammit! I could have gotten rid of that last card which was impossible. Why don’t they make these rules more clear at the beginning? It’s entrapment.
Of course, there are some restrictions, provisos, and exemptions about how to spend your brownie points:
You must always have at least five cards in your hand. Don’t be a pussy with brownie points. Five is always the minimum that you have to do. So, if you only had five, and then you discard one, what would you guess is the right thing to do? Obviously, you need to draw at least one new card off the top to replace it. Then, you play that card instead. Don’t like the new card either? Tough shit. You’re stuck with your new choice, unless you’ve got another brownie point you want to spend.
You have to decide before you start on any of the tasks in your hand. You can’t start on your tasks and then part-way through change your mind to bail on a task, discarding it, because it gets too hard or too complicated. It’s your job to plan ahead and know what you are capable of before you start. Don’t be flaky with your brownie points.
If you draw a joker, you can’t use a brownie point to make it go away. You are stuck with it, and you always have to follow the special joker rules that come in to play. (See the Joker Section for more about that.)
If you draw four-of-a-kind or a run of five cards in one suit, then you can’t use a brownie point to break up the run or break up the four-of-a-kind. You have to follow the special rules that apply if that happens to you.
Earning Brownie Points
Brownie points are gold; so, how do you get them? You have to combine two or more tasks in a creative non-obvious way. It is a little difficult to explain this by giving you examples, because once I give you an example, then that particular one is no longer creative and non-obvious to you. If you think you’ve done something to earn one, you need to go to the Indentured website and fill out an application to our Brownie Point Review Board.
Here is one way to go brownie point hunting. Look for combinations that seem as if they couldn’t be done together. Now, find a way to do them together. That would likely be brownie point-worthy. There are more than 1400 unique two-card combinations in the game. Many of them are (or can be made to be) challenging to do together. Look upon them as opportunities to earn a brownie point.
I wondered now if I’d done anything brownie point-worthy. Humping like a dog with a giant pub bell pulling on my knob was pretty original. Turning my badminton rackets into head handles and face-fucking myself with a bungee cord bridle was not too shabby either, I bet. So, I went online and filled out two brownie point applications. I had to describe what my hand of cards looked like and provide the date and time of the alleged brownie point act. I had to describe exactly what I did and attach any documenting evidence where applicable. I took a picture of the bell, so they could see it was massive and heavy. I was polite and respectful. I sucked up my dignity and wrote “Respectfully, Dumbass” at the end.
The review board rejected my pub bell application right away, saying:
This a commendable and highly entertaining way to fulfill your “ding dong” task, but super-sizing is not the essence of brownie point-dom. The review committee almost always rejects applications of this type where the applicant has simply taken the task’s instruction to a logical albeit absurd extreme. For instance, we get an applications almost every day from guys that did the A<heart> (fucked by politicians) card. The guy will brag that he was able to get a cannon up his ass, and he’ll be asking for a brownie point just for that. Answer is always “no.”
My second application was granted. The committee wrote back,
This is an interesting application, because 2<club> (ball buster) and Q<heart> (face fuck ergonomics) do not obviously conflict with each other. There are some straightforward, pedestrian ways to do that combination. However, you fixated on one particular, highly involved ritual to ball-bust yourself that fully occupied both your hands. When you realized the problem of not having another hand free to face-fuck yourself, you invented on the fly a completely original dildo-bit-and-bridal assembly hitched to an eyebolt in a wall and face-fucked yourself no-hands with that. Good boy! Congratulations on your unusual solution. You’ve earned one brownie point.
Yeah! Whoop! I was brownie point worthy. I felt really good about that.
I held out for the entire next week in my penalty box with no privileges. I didn’t jerk off or watch TV or do anything fun. I was good. If it had just been one week, then I could have held out, but when the next weekend came and I was alone with nothing to do and still a whole second week remaining…. Well, it became my single-minded, focused goal to take out these cards again and beat the stupid game so that I could win back this extra week and be free as soon as Sunday. The lure of it got irresistible, because I didn’t want to go without for a second week. And, I felt like I knew how to play now. I was just a little thrown off by the game initially.
I drew K<spade> 8<heart> J<heart> 6<club> K<club>.
The K<spade> and 8<heart> cards were right away a problem for me.
Youtube reviewer: You are a connoisseur of bare chested calisthenics and weightlifting routines on Youtube. Go online, and critically review any ten videos in the bare chested workout genre. Takes notes, and write your review. Rate the videos based on the following criteria:
Hotness of the bare chest
Workout variety and originality of the routine
Video quality and interesting camera angles
Personality, interesting quirky touches
Musical score, if any.
Tone and attitude: Is it friendly, instructional, domineering, coaching, hyper-masculine, overtly sexual, clinical, pushy, insulting, very straight, very gay?
After completing your review, create your own original work-out, choosing from among the best routines that you have seen demonstrated. Be realistic about your capabilities. Don’t make it too easy or too hard. From now on going forward, if you are in the penalty box, you will perform this routine every day without fail as part of your penance (in addition to not jerking off.) You may only alter your routine, if you draw this card again and do another review.
I really wanted in the worst way to be tasked with reviewing bare chested workout videos, but I am not allowed to do that in the penalty box. This guy really knew what I liked. I reluctantly shuffled the card back in.
Trenchcoat: Perform a sexual act in a public place where there is danger of getting caught.
As for the “trenchcoat” card, I didn’t want to do that anyway. It’s creepy, and I also cannot do it in the penalty box. I had to use both my brownie points to get rid of these two.
The other three, I was stuck with, but I could live with them:
Blue-balls: Go out as far as you can to your edge. Before starting on any of your other tasks, get yourself hard and excited at least to the point where you juice up with precum. Stop just before the point of no return. At regular intervals between now and the completion of your hand, jack yourself up again all the way to your edge, but, don’t even think about shooting. The number of times you must jack yourself without climaxing is equal to at least the number of cards in your hand.
You are free to shoot your load after the hand is over, only if you have no other cum restrictions in effect and are not in the penalty box. If you draw this card while you are in the penalty box, then you must play it. You may not discard it. You may not shoot after the hand is over unless your penalty has expired.
Note: If you draw this card in combination with Join a Monastery, you are required to jack yourself to your edge and then punish yourself for getting hard and thinking lustful thoughts every time.
Take my yoke upon you: You need to find a way to get a ridiculously large, restrictive, heavy, massive collar on you. A plain, old dog collar will not do. Get more creative.
Punishment Tour: You have committed regulatory infractions as a cadet at my military academy. You may not be acceptable officer material, and you certainly will not graduate until you have worked off your punishment hours.
Lace up your boots. Put on your fatigues and any other military gear. Your uniform must pass inspection before your punishment tour may begin. Only after you pass inspection, draw a numbered card from the bottom of the deck. This is the minimum number of hours that you must work off today. You will drill a combination of push-ups, sit-ups, crunches, wind sprints, squats, long distance running, or any other exercises to exhaust you and break you down.
If you are currently in the penalty box and you hold this card in your hand, then you may apply your worked hours today to reduce your penalty time. You may reduce your penalty box time by one day for every solid hour of punishment drills.
I could definitely wear a collar and edge myself, no problem there. The punishment tour looked like the hardest one.
But, when I discarded the two bad undoable cards and drew my two replacements off of the deck, I ended up with bigger problems:
Perform on command: You are required to get yourself off while simultaneously doing at least one other task. No pressure, but if you fail to ejaculate promptly, then you fail this entire hand and will receive no credit for any tasks performed. You will of course be consigned to the penalty box one week for every failed task in your hand. Hurry up!
Fucked by politicians: Find any convenient cock, dildo, plug, item of produce, or other insertable phallic object. Now, locate the text of an important speech given by a politician or an important government official. Recite the speech with seriousness and gravity while fucking yourself.
“Perform on command” orders me to jerk-off, and “fucked by politicians” orders me to fuck myself, and I wasn’t allowed to do either one because of my outstanding penalty! I was screwed every way. It was a fucking disaster.
So what did this add up to? I’d get one week for failing to fuck myself and one week for failing to cum on command added to what I had already. Three weeks. No! It’s worse than that. If I didn’t cum on command I’d lose credit for everything and go down another five weeks plus my one. Six weeks? Six weeks. Fuck. I couldn’t do six weeks. That’s hard time.
I realized I was hyperventilating. I took some deep breaths to clear my head and slow it down. Was there anything I could do to minimize the damage? I should cum and then take whatever penalty there is for jerking off in the penalty box, because it couldn’t be worse than five weeks. All I would have to do was edge myself and just – oops– go over the edge. But, then I would fail my “blue balls” task. It seemed like the very best case would be three more weeks penalty – one for no blue balls, one for not fucking myself, and at least one extra for jerking off in the penalty box. It might even be more. I’d have to go back and ask. He’d probably call me stupid again.
I felt really down on this now. I still had to edge myself, collar myself, put on boots and fatigues, and do my punishment tour just to get to the end where shoot my load and disgrace myself and fail miserably. The last instruction under K<club> says “You may reduce your penalty box time by one day for every solid hour of punishment drills.” Great; so, if I could start right away and stop time and fit 28 hours of continuous fatigue drills into the next 18 hours between now and dawn tomorrow, I’d be free.
No. Wait. I needed seven hours of fatigue drills to be free. That would work off my current existing penalty. The other penalties hadn’t happened yet. At the moment I hit seven hours of punishment drills, I’d be free to do the remaining tasks. I could actually do it!
I got that scary nervous feeling that I’m not dead yet and therefore am responsible for what happens next. I wrote out a timeline for myself with the order in which everything had to happen so that I wouldn’t screw it up. I got out my cock and stroked it hard. I kept going until I juiced up a little but then stopped after that. That’s one. Now, I needed a couple things from the pharmacy and the sports supply store.
I needed a uniform; so, I got an Under Armour camo compression shirt and camo shorts from the sports store. I laced up some boots that I have. I also had a great idea for how to collar myself. I was going to call it my punishment tour collar, and it was giving me hard-on in my camos thinking about it.
To start with, I got a thick orthopedic neck brace at the pharmacy to put around my neck. Another thing I’d noticed recently at the pharmacy are these new personal, portable steam inhalers that have a clear rubber face mask attached to them. I used athletic tape and duct tape to mount the body of the steam inhaler onto the front of the neck brace below my chin aligned so the rubber mask above the body seals onto my face over my mouth and nose. It’s not a gag, but the mask would continuously funnel steam into my face while drilling. My thought was that it would feel a little bit like exercising in a steam room; although, only my face would get steamed. The steam inhaler has a power cord; so, I would need to stay near to an outlet all the time. I also had one of these camelback packs that can strap to your body with a water tube and a bite valve for drinking. I strapped the camelback to my chest and fed the water tube through a hole in the face mask so that I could hydrate while drilling without having to remove the face mask.
I admired my creation in the mirror. Steam was forced out around the edges of the face mask when I exhaled. “Yes! This is a tricked out awesome collar.”
I prayed for luck and drew the card off the bottom of the deck, which was a 5<diamond>. That would be how many hours of punishment drills I had to work off just to complete this one task. I was happy with anything if it wasn’t more than seven. I set a timer to start my hours. I’d do about 40 push-ups at a time, then 50 sit-ups, then 40 squats, then jog in place a while, then 50 jumping-jacks, then about 15ish pull-ups hanging from a bar (because I’m not good at pull-ups, and it was hard to get my collar apparatus over the bar), then 20 duck-walks across the room and back (being careful not to trip the steam inhaler cord), then lie down on my back and bicycle my legs in the air for a while. I would set a pace and just keep repeating that cycle.
After the first hour of that, I started having dangerous thoughts that the penalty box might not be bad. I won’t lie to you. I stopped and took breaks. It would be hot to say that I killed myself doing punishment drills for seven hours non-stop, but that’s just impossible for me. I could set a pace and do about an hour at a time, at least at the beginning of the day. The steam pumping into my face started to get to me, and my face got red and wet. I had to turn that off during the breaks anyway, because the water in the generator needed recharging.
Honestly, I’m not a super athlete. After the first three hour-long sets I really started to slow down. I also stopped four times during the punishment tour to jack myself to the edge and then stop. It ended up taking me 14 hours total to finish 7 hours of punishment drills. I was a quivering mess at the seven hour mark, but I was free – out of the box.
I was now almost home free. All had left to do was fuck myself while giving a speech and then shoot my load at the very end as the finale of my speech. The jerk-off climax had to be precisely timed at the end, because I’m not allowed to beat off until after I edge myself five times and then complete all my other tasks, including the task of beating off on command. Thus, I couldn’t beat off until I beat off; so, it had to all happen right at end of the hand. That was the only way to combine them, and it all made perfect sense.
I also think that my decision to fuck myself reciting Donald Trump’s announcement speech was completely logical, timely, and appropriate. I printed out a copy of the Trump Tower announcement speech for his 2016 presidential run, and then I greased up my dildo and fingered my hole to get it ready. I’m actually a little bit precious with my butt, and I don’t go pounding away on it often. I mostly just leave it alone. But, now I had a job to do.
I got the dildo in. I held it in while I backed up on my hands and knees into a convenient wall; so, I could be on the floor and bump my ass up against the wall to push the thing in to fuck myself. I spread out all the sheets in front of me with the speech.
So nice, thank you very much. That’s really nice. Thank you.It’s great to be at Trump Tower. It’s great to be in a wonderful city, New York. And it’s an honor to have everybody here. This is beyond anybody’s expectations.Our country is in serious trouble. We don’t have victories anymore. We used to have victories, but we don’t have them. When was the last time anybody saw us beating, let’s say, China in a trade deal?
I started a rhythm to fuck myself with the cadence of his speech:
I beat China all the time.
All the time!
“Yeah, beat it.” I was trying to relax and go with this, but I get a little freaked out about ass penetration; it was uncomfortable and not turning me on.
When did we beat Japan at anything? They send their cars over by the millions, and what do we do? When was the last time you saw a Chevrolet in Tokyo? It doesn’t exist, folks.They beat us all the time.When do we beat Mexico at the border? They’re laughing at us, at our stupidity.
Stupid ass. Beat that ass.
And now they are beating us economically. The U.S. has become a dumping ground for everybody else’s problems.When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you. They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists….“Yeah. Rape that ass. Bring it.” This was a pretty long speech; so, I thought I could eventually relax and enjoy the fucking.Iran is taking over Iraq, and they’re taking it over big league. And we have nothing. We can’t even go there. We have nothing. And every time we give Iraq equipment, the first time a bullet goes off in the air, they leave it….
There are no jobs, because China has our jobs and Mexico has our jobs. They all have jobs.Our enemies are getting stronger and stronger by the way, and we as a country are getting weaker. Even our nuclear arsenal doesn’t work….Obamacare. You have to be hit by a tractor, literally, a tractor, to use it, because the deductibles are so high, it’s virtually useless. It’s virtually useless.
The speech is highly fuckable in the way it keeps repeating.
Beating us. Beating us. Jobs. Jobs. Useless. Useless.
You need somebody, because politicians are all talk, no action. Nothing’s gonna get done. They will not bring us — believe me — to the promised land. They will not….Now, our country needs — our country needs a truly great leader, and we need a truly great leader now.We need a leader that wrote The Art of the Deal.We need a leader that can bring back our jobs, can bring back our manufacturing, can bring back our military, and can take care of our vets. We need somebody that can take the brand of the United States and make it great again. We need — we need somebody — we need somebody that literally will take this country and make it great again. We can do that.
Bring back. Bring back. Great again. Great again.
So ladies and gentlemen…I am officially running…… for President of the United States, and we are going to make our country great again. It can happen. Our country has tremendous potential. We have tremendous people. We have people that aren’t working. We have people that have no incentive to work. But they’re going to have incentive to work. And they’ll be proud, and they’ll love it.
Work. Work. Work that ass.
I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created. I tell you that.How stupid are our leaders? How stupid are these politicians? How stupid are they? I’m going to tell you — thank you.
Stupid. Stupid. Fuck my stupid ass, Mr. Trump.
I’m going to tell you a couple of stories about trade, because I’m totally against the trade bill….
OK. I don’t want to bore you. It goes on and on repetitively like this for a while. And, I tried to keep it hot, but I never entirely recovered from the punishment drills. I found myself drifting off and losing focus.
I don’t need anybody’s money. It’s nice. I don’t need anybody’s money. I’m using my own money. I’m not using the lobbyists. I’m not using donors. I don’t care. I’m really rich. That’s it.And I’m the one that made all of the right predictions about Iraq. ….We have losers. We have losers. We have people that don’t have it. We have people that are selling this country down the drain….I would build a great wall, and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me,…, I will build a great, great wall on our southern border. And I will have Mexico pay for that wall….
Yeah, make them pay for their own wall. That’s hot!
Believe me, we’re in a bubble. We have a stock market that, frankly, has been good to me, but I still hate to see what’s happening….Sadly, the American dream is dead.But if I get elected president I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before, and we will make America great again. Thank you. Thank you very much.
Bigger. Better. Stronger. Yes. Time to shoot my load!
However, my dick had shrunk down to a peanut by the end of his very long speech. It was now really late into the night. I had overdosed on punishment and freaky shit all day. I didn’t have any spunk left. I had just assumed I could go off like a light after edging myself all day, but everything hurt now, and I’d lost my wood.
I thought, “Maybe, I will feel manlier after I take this dildo out and clean up.” And then the last thing I thought was, “I just want to sit down for a minute.” I woke up some time later not remembering when I ever fell asleep. “Oh, right. Gotta beat off.”
But, the sun was up. For a moment I searched crazily for a work-around. “OK. Get on a fast plane to Hawaii where the sun has not risen yet and beat off in the airplane lavatory on the way. No. Wait. Go to the south pole! The sun won’t rise there until winter.”
There was no practical work-around. It’s the sun. It’s there. Deal with it. I lost the hand, having somehow failed to do the one simplest thing that I love to do and can always do. I had a big stiff morning hard-on now too. It seemed as if my penis were mocking me.
“I hate you. Betrayer!”
Five weeks in the penalty box, beginning immediately. It was almost the same punishment I’d have gotten if I’d done absolutely nothing yesterday. I still hurt all over. My chest and abs hurt from expanding when I breathed. I took a bunch of ibuprofen. I didn’t feel well. I think I got exercise poisoning.
But, what just laid me low, what I could not get my head around…. How could I screw this up? I had a fucking genius solution to the problem. I was there! I was all set up to beat this unbeatable game. If I had consciously planned it on purpose, I could not have fucked myself more completely. I could have finished this hand and beat the game.
I stopped hurting within another day or so, and once I felt better I also started feeling anxious. I sunk to a new low point when I started watching The Disney Channel to skirt around the rule about no TV except children’s shows and family programming. I like Mulan where the girl disguises herself as a boy and joins the Chinese army, and then the bare-chested camp commander trains her in doing her boot camp drills to turn her into a real man. That camp commander is kind of hot, but he’s a cartoon; so, it’s not like I was doing anything wrong.
I had trouble sleeping. I didn’t want to do this five weeks, and I didn’t want to quit either. I really needed to win one but was afraid to play again.
Soon, I did draw again. What else could I do? I was deadly determined to win a hand in this stupid game.