Struggle

 Why did this happen to me? I don't understand. It made me feel alone. I couldn't bear the thoughts and nightmares anymore. I don't know what to do. I started my shift at Felipes and around 8:30, a man came in. He sat down at one of the booths, and he looked familiar. He was sitting in my block of booths, so I had to serve him. I walked over to him and said, "hi, I'm Elliot. Welcome to-" my jaw dropped and I looked at him with fear in my eyes. It was my rapist! "I just came to check up on you. Haven't told Anyone right? I would hate for things to get ugly." he said with an arrogant smile. I shook my head out of complete fear. He got up and walked out. I walked back into the kitchen and leaned up against the wall. I started to cry. My boss walked in. I stood up straight and wiped my tears. "Elliot, you look terrible. Are you feeling ok? Do you need to go home?" he asked. "sorry sir, I hate to leave you short-handed, but I-I need to go home." I answered still a little choked up. "sure." he said. I hung up my apron and left. I walked home and my cell phone rang. It was Eric. I hit ignore, It wasn't because of him, I just can't talk to anyone right now. My whole life is shit right now. I need to do something about it, I just don't know what. When I got home, I went up to my room and laid down. I soon fell asleep and started having dreams about boys. Especially some seniors in my school. i have started to question my own sexuality. At school, before I left, I noticed Trevor. Trevor and I aren't best of friends but we get along well he is captain of the Varsity Football team at my high school and pretty much everyone looks up to him. I saw him walking from the gym, all sweaty and tired. He had such pretty eyes, and a handsome face. Just thinking about him, with his muscular build, strong biceps, gave me a feeling in the pit of my stomach. What am I saying? I'm not gay! What did that man do to me? Did he turn me gay?? My cell phone went off. It was Trevor.

"hello?"

"hey Elliot. Um... Are you busy?" he asked.

"well, no not really. Why?"

"I was just wondering, do you wanna hang out?" he asked innocently. His voice was so sweet sounding. 

"yeah. I'd like that. I need some company. Do you wanna come over here to stay the night?" 

"sure. Sounds like fun. Is it ok for you if I come in a half hour?" he questioned.

"yeah! See you then." I exclaimed. I don't know why I'm so excited but I like it. I got up and changed out of my pajamas and put on some nice clothes. "Wait, hold up! Am I trying to impress him?" I thought as I looked at myself in the mirror. I couldnt help but think of Trevor. The way his body moves as he plays football, the way he carries the team on his shoulders so to speak, just to give the rest of the school something to talk about. He's so team-oriented, that nobody labels him the stereotypical "jock." I couldnt wait to see Trevor. He was so nice. He would never judge anyone. I heard a knock at the door and I answered. There he was. "hey El'. Can I come in?" he was so polite.

"yeah, come on in." he stepped in and I closed the door. We sat down and started watching a movie. He paused it. 

"Elliot, I need to talk to you." I turned to listen to what he had to say.

"I've been having... Feelings. These feelings happen when I'm around this person, I get nervous, I get this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. Almost like butterflies."

"what's her name?" I asked.

"well, that's the thing. It's uh... It's not a... Girl. It's a... Guy." he hung his head a little.

"it's ok. Nobody gets to decide who you love." I explained.

"no, I know that. He's just so nice. He gives me goosebumps. He has blond hair, green eyes, he has a great personality, he has been my friend for a long time. He's... You" he said looking at me. I finally understood. 

"me? I... I..." I shuffled through my words. Then, out of the blue, he kissed me. He kissed so softly. I kissed him back. He gently laid me back on the couch. He never broke the kiss. I think he felt this way for a while. I could tell that he hasn't been generally happy because of these feelings. I felt bad for him. He broke the kiss. He looked at me and said, "no one can know about us."