“Let’s go up to the room.” he breathed. I nodded and I followed him up the stairs, our hands never leaving each other. The room was dark with only the moonlight to provide a faint glow. He closed the door behind us and he stared into my eyes. I walked up to him, my eyes never breaking contact as I began unbuttoning his shirt. Our hearts were pounding, suspense ripping away at us. He crushed his lips against mine and I moaned into his mouth. I opened his shirt and I felt the strong muscles of his upper body rippling underneath his skin with life. Our lips parted with a trail of saliva in between us and I rushed my lips back against his. He ran his fingers through my hair. He tugged it gently and I pulled away. Our eyes made contact again. I unbuttoned his jeans. He peeled my sweater over my head.
….Was this it?...
He pulled me into him and sighed, feeling my smooth skin as he lowered his hands around my butt. He kneaded them and slid his tongue in my mouth. They danced together and pulled apart for a brief second before intertwining again. Our breaths became uneven. His hands spread my cheeks apart and he rubbing his finger against my hole. I moaned and grinded against him as he pulled me on top of him. He pulled away and made eye contact again. I held his gaze and then looked away. Could I? Should I? He tilted my face back in his direction and smiled. He withdrew his hands and hugged me close, telling me it was ok. I raised myself and looked down at his glorious body. His wonderful face. He stared up at me, looking at me with the same way. He got up and took my hand, and led me towards the balcony. He took a light cover along with him, and I shivered when he opened the door. He sat down in a chair, and pulled me into his lap while wrapping the covers around us. He dragged his lips up my neck and found my lips and kissed me sensually while squeezing me tight. He pulled away and stared into my eyes. We then faced the landscape in front of us and admired the snow the blanketed the world in its icy heat. I exhaled and my breath came out in clouds. Lights in distant windows showed the last remaining people that were still awake. However, the sky was wide awake with some twinkling stars and the bright moon to cast its glow for the new year. I heard the distant pop of fireworks, and I imagined the people that were popping them. Happy families, reckless teenagers, anyone who bothered with new years anymore. I thought of my new years resolution, and was mildly bothered by the fact I had yet to come up with one. Ray rubbed my stomach and pecked my cheek before resting his chin on my shoulder. I still felt a slight occasional chill, but the man behind me that I loved so much kept me warm inside and out. I felt so strongly about him. He made me feel things that I didn't always know how to deal with. Nonetheless, I was happy. He managed to turn my life around in the matter of months, granted that there was still a lot of work to be done. But thinking about it, a human life is always in the state of improvement. One can never say they were completely content with themselves. There's always things that needed to be improved. There were always habits that needed to be broken. Then there was the other person who they were with that saw them as nothing but perfect. That other person loved them unconditionally and accepted everything about that person and always saw their "negative" attributes as nothing but a characteristic that makes a person who they are. I know that was the case with both of us. We examined our flaws and we wanted to change them, but to each other we were masterpieces. Now trickling my thoughts back to my own negative aspects, I do acknowledge that my flaws were a little more serious. I saw myself as damaged goods. Something that needed to be fixed. How Ray saw it, I don't know. I doubt he sees it as anything negative. At most he might see me as someone that needs to be nurtured, that's all. He didn't see them as flaws. He didn't see them as flaws really. The way he would look at me with his eyes. The way he touched me. He saw me as a work of art that just needed to be cleaned up a little. Years of neglect left me dusty and chipped, worn and abused by time and my owner. Now that he had me with him, I could see all he wanted to do was clean me up and reach my true potential when it came to beauty. But I had to let him of course. I had to allow him to get into the crevices that I always refused him to reach. I had to let him past the gates and into the darker parts of myself that I didn't ever want him to see. Who would want others to see their demons? Who would want others to venture into a land where there's nothing but carnage and sorrow? Who would want to risk their innocence? I felt as though that part of me was a forbidden and desecrated land that threatened to infect anyone who dared to step on it. It was a merciless land that offered no solace for anyone. I know it didn't for me, and I was the twisted creator of it. I sighed and grasped Ray's hand under the cover. I turned my head and he offered me that warm smile that made me catch my breath. He delivered and kiss and just kept staring.
What?..." I asked.
"You've changed so much...." he whispered.
"What do you mean?" I replied, starting to get a little defensive.
"In a good way Levi. You've changed...." All I did was stare back, waiting for an explanation.
"When I first saw you, you looked so tired. So lost..." he caressed my face, "You didn't know what to do. You didn't know who to turn to. You wanted help but there was no one there..." he then held me tight, burying my face into his chest.
" I could tell. All you wanted was for someone to hold you like this. I noticed you looked sad sometimes when I saw you from a distance. Up close, it crushed my heart to see it was all the time that you were sad. Your eyes were glassy by the end of the day. You looked so pale and exhausted, like you were ready to give up on the world. And god...it's just...you were so thin...Just..." I heard him sniffle, "I just wanted to make everything all better. I just wanted to take you home and hold you while you slept for however long you needed to. I wanted to kiss everything better and make all your sadness go away. I wanted you to know that there was someone out there who saw something in you and wanted you more than anything in the world. I wanted you to know that you weren't just someone invisible." He pulled away and I saw a tear trickle down his cheek. "I always saw you. I always saw your smooth hair. I saw your delicate figure walking in the halls. I saw a beautiful person walking with their head hung low because they didn't think they were good enough for anyone."
He bit his lower lip and looked down for a moment.
"Then I saw the cuts. I saw the blood and then I saw the scars. I saw the bruises and I saw how he treated you...I saw just a moment of what he did to you and I couldn't believe myself. I couldn't believe what you dealt with...I couldn't believe how deep things ran. I couldn't believe any of it...until I saw it for myself. I saw the scars. How deep and long they were..." he saw reaching to my shoulder and letting his fingers run along one of the longer ones. "This pain that you carry with you all the time. The nightmares...the screams you must hear when all you want is peace..." he said softly, seeming to be lost in thought. "You were so desperate for solace that you turned towards something as painful as this just to obtain it. What was going on in your head I don't know exactly....but I saw that when I first saw them there was fear. You were afraid because I saw you...all of you...and you thought I wouldn't reach out to understand. You thought that this was a curse that you could only bear upon yourself...you thought that I couldn't find you even the slightest bit beautiful because of the pain that you suffered...pain that seemed endless. Pain that you thought would never disappear unless you ended your life..."
He breathed out a small laugh and held my face, letting the blanket slip off of us and onto the floor.
"I saw it though. I saw you. I wanted so bad to reach out to you but god I was so scared Levi...I was scared I would fuck up, or you wouldn't like me, or something. I...you had no idea...I thought I didn't have a chance..." he took a deep breath as he tried to gain control over his emotions.
"I thought you wouldn't let me in. I thought you would run away because you were scared. I was afraid of so many things that it held me back....but god...I wish I talked to you sooner...I regret all these years that I didn't..." and he began crying. He leaned on my shoulder and tears trickled down my torso. I felt my own falling but I didn’t' make a sound.
I thought I wasn't good enough for you. I thought that I couldn't make you happy because sometimes it's so damn hard just to make myself happy..." He sobbed I held him there and I rubbed his back as he expressed his regret. He expressed his initial fears, and he showed his relief. Both of us were scared of each other. What a weird thought...I always thought that I was the only one afraid. Oh how wrong I was.
“I didn’t realize how much you had to bear just on your own. I just…I just wished I reached out sooner. If I could have just saved you from one day of pain I would,” He shouted. He pulled back and he stared right into my eyes
“I would’ve shown you the world. I would’ve shown you that there were other ways. That there was someone that you could turn to. Someone that cared. Someone that would always be there to support you, to hold you, the cherish you, the heal you, no matter what time of day or night it was. That you don’t have to be alone…” he said as he stroked my head.
"But..." and he lifted my head, managing a tight smile, "When I finally talked to you. I noticed your eyes. God...they're so beautiful Levi..." he breathed, holding my face. "They're so beautiful and they took my breath away. I knew that I was in love when I saw them. They made my heart jump, and they made me feel as though I could stare into them forever. They’re so captivating and lovely that I didn't know what I would do if I couldn't ever see them again. I just felt at that moment that it was right. That I needed to see you again, and again, until I could see them every time I woke up and every time I went to bed. I just knew that it was that moment, or never."
He breathed in deeply.
"But...they were dull. They were losing that twinkle. You were so sad...there was so much anguish from everything that you endured...that part nearly killed me. I didn't want you to lose that light Levi...I didn’t want to lose you. I never talked to you, but that moment where I was finally able to talk to you, face to face, I saw it. I saw how close you were to the edge. I saw how tired you were from everything. I saw that you were just ready to throw everything away and forget." He sniffled.
"Oh Ray..." I gasped.
"But now, you're more beautiful than ever....I see that light in your eyes now. You smile so much more. You don't look so pale, you filled out some. You're not so shy anymore and you're just...happier...and it makes me so happy to see that. It makes me feel like I did something right. It makes me feel like I have a chance."
He ran his thumbs across my cheeks.
"Sometimes I think I imagine it, but your smiles just brighten everything about you...and you're all the more irresistible when you smile..." and he kissed me deeply. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he pressed me as close as I could possibly get to him. he pulled away and gasped.
"God Levi...I love you so much that it hurts like hell sometimes. But I can't imagine it any other way... I really can't. You're so wonderful. You're so nice and sweet that I can't imagine treating you any other way than just loving you with every ounce of myself." and with that he reached down and wrapped the blanket around us.
"You're just so beautiful..." he whispered and pressed his forehead against mine. Suddenly my resolution came clear....
A new level of trust for the new year....
He was there revealing everything he felt within his heart to me. I wanted to return the favor, but I couldn't even fathom where to begin. Everything I felt for this man could not be put into words. My heart pounded inside my chest for this man. The tears that were falling for this man. The breath that I breathed was for this man, and it was taken by this man. He was absolutely perfect in every way possible, and it was to the point where I thought that this was all just one beautiful dream that I hoped to never wake up from. He has done so much for me. He's loved me with everything he's got and not for one moment did it falter. I held his face in my hands as were leaned against each other and cried. We cried out of happiness. We cried out of sadness. We sat there in the cold night and felt our emotions together. We held onto each other because it was becoming clear that we needed each other. I knew that we both had things that haunted us day in and day out. We both knew that people were cruel, that it seemed like some didn’t care. However, there were others that cared and showed it whenever they could. I pulled away, looking at him in the eye gasping for air. His breath was labored as he brushed his lips against mine and embraced me with everything that he was feeling. It encapsulated me and it built a fortress around me with a promise that it would protect me from all harm. We bother trembled as we delivered sweet kisses towards each other. I felt his hands sliding up and down my back as things intensified. He parted his lips and I slid my tongue inside as I straddled him. My legs were spread, and his cock was at full mast and rubbing against my hole. I moaned and grinded back against it. He grunted and placed his hand on the back of my head. We placed our hands against each other's chest and felt our heartbeats. We pulled away and stared at each other panting. His eyes. Even in the darkness I couldn't stop looking at them. He cupped my face in his hand and kissed me with such tenderness that I nearly melted in his arms. This man. This beautiful, beautiful man that was here with me right now. He was the man that I felt like I was searching for. The man that gave himself to me even though he was terrified. This man that opened himself to me even though I was the vulnerable one. This man. He was more beautiful than I could ever imagine. It wasn't his body.
His soul was just so beautiful and captivating.
And I'm sure that he saw the same thing within me.
He saw past all the thorns that constricted my being and he pushed through all the debris. He braved the shadows and he faced the monsters without hesitation. It wasn't any of these monstrous things that scared him. It was the thought of losing me to these horrors that terrified him, and he was fighting to make sure that none of them ever touched me again.
I gasped and I stared at him with wide eyes. He looked at me with lust and adoration as I lowered my lips against his. His hands slid back down to my ass and he spread them wide apart so his cock could slide against my hole. I moaned loudly in his mouth and I dug my nails into his shoulder. He pulled away and attacked my neck with such aggression that I'm sure there would be marks tomorrow morning. My heart was beating at an impossible rate and with incredible force. He lifted me up and pressed me against the cold glass and kissed me long and hard. My legs were wrapped around him as I felt his cock sliding against my hole and making it nice and slick. I shuddered and gasped as he kissed along my jawline and down my neck. Before I knew it, we both fell upon the bed in a tangle of limbs and moans. His body framed mine as we relished the taste of each other's mouths. The taste, the smell of each other, the sweet noises that we produced was melding together into one sensual movement. He pulled away, and I could feel him rubbing his cock even harder against my hole. I stared up at him and he stared back.
This is what we've been waiting for.
He stared down at me and crushed his lips against mind. Our bodies slid against each other and I closed my eyes and just allowed myself to feel him. He was breaking through all my fortifications. The gates fell and the soldiers lowered their weapons. I no longer felt the need to defend myself. I no longer felt the fear. All I felt was love for this many. This love, this undying love, this was something that I could not live without. He kissed along my jaw and down my neck. He nipped my collarbone and proceeded to kiss my scars. He embraced every aspect of me without fear, and I felt it. I could feel it shaking me to my core as I wrapped my arms around him and moaned sweet moans that would ever be only for his ears. He rose back up and kissed me tenderly and our hands continued to explore each other like it was undiscovered territory. He pulled away and stared at me deep in the eye. In the moonlight I could see our gifts glinting in the soft glow and it served as a reminder to never be afraid of this. Whatever we were feeling, it felt so real that I could touch it. Things weren't as physical as they seemed. No, this ran so much deeper. No one could possibly understand what we were feeling at this moment. Love, lust, passion. All that was missing was fear, and neither of us cared at this point.
Unwavering, undying trust.
His hands were roaming across my body. His cock was pressed against my hole and grinding against it constantly. That combined with his lovely lips just sent me into a frenzy. He reached in between us and pressed our cocks together, making me gasp and groan into his mouth as he pumped them. I could feel the precum flowing out of my dick, and combined with it things were delightfully slick. I gasped. I groaned. I grinded against him as things escalated further and further. I would have never thought that a time like this would come. Not only was I with such a beautiful man. But I was with someone that could share in my anguish and make it better. I was with someone that could see past everything, and just see me. For such a long time I felt like no one saw me for who I really was. No one bothered with me. Not strangers, not my father. No one. And that part killed me because to feel like I wasn’t cared for, to feel like no one would acre if I was there or not, was soul crushing. It tore me apart every day to think that if I were to die, no one would care. But now, there was a man proclaiming his love and telling me that if I were to die, so would he. It just felt so amazing to be loved and cherished. And at this moment, he was cherishing me in the best way possible as I wrapped my legs around him, as he kissed me, and our cocks were sliding against each other in precious passion that continued to fuel our love for each other every day that we were together.
He pulled apart, panting as I shuddered and groaned every time his fist moved up and down. I could see a light coat of sweat covering his chest, and he bit he stared at me with such intensity that I could hear what he was thinking. I bit my lip and stared back him. I wanted him to know that I was scared, but I was ready. He stared back and offered a gentle smile that just rang throughout my entire body. It was clear now.