Robby and Ryan Chapter 21

                                         From the Author:

I owe you all an apology, I shouldn’t have stated the obvious the way I did last time. Looking back on it I came off sounding more than pathetic and it caused me to think; your comments and emails helped with that also. Truly I was not expecting the response I got and was never fishing for the compliments I received. I have a new understanding now. You have enlightened me. Many, many, thanks to those who continue to read and comment about our life.

To further set the stage; music was a huge part of our life; if you hadn’t figured that out yet. When I make reference to a song; I would like you to pause and look it up on you tube. If you are younger; that would be under forty, you might find something, something to help you better understand the times, understand us.

 If you are my age, over fifty, you might find yourself bopping your head, remembering back to the day, the days of long hair, tight pants, all of us proudly displayed our assets, unlike the sager, bagger, youth, of today. Hell, you might be bouncing in your chair like I do. That is another challenge, my anonymous friends.  

                                  Robby and Ryan Chapter 21  

I woke up close to noon still upside down in the bed with Rob propped up on his elbow, smiling at me. I felt like what I can only describe as a sexual hangover, but his face, his smile, was all the medicine I needed, it was all I would ever need.

He brushed some hair from my face then painfully slow he traced that finger across my cheek and jaw, then down the middle of my body, slowly and seductively, all the way to my hairline, eliciting the familiar shiver and contraction of my stomach that only his touch could provoke. He couldn’t help but smile at my reaction.

“Did you have fun yesterday Rye?” he asked, with his knowing smile. “You fuckin near killed me, Jr.” I replied, my eyes closing and remembering; unable to hold back my smile.

His hand wrapped around my morning wood and he asked “Do you really think a person can be fucked to death Ryan? I think you held up remarkably well, considering.” as he squeezed me.

I just closed my eyes again and shook my head a little as he rested his on my shoulder. I told him I didn’t know how he managed to pull that whole party thing off without me knowing and called him a little sneak.

“It really does feel good to make you happy, Rye. I absolutely loved turning you into what I did last night. I might have enjoyed it more than you.” I told him I owed him a blackout sex session and his reply was “I can’t wait.” as he nuzzled further into my neck. “I can’t either.”

“Robby. Just so you know; you’re my onion. To say you surprised me yesterday is an understatement, and last night, well, last night you showed me a part of you that I hope and pray I will see again, many times.” I lay there quietly, his head on my shoulder, my arm around him, both of us still naked, and still upside down in the bed.

I went on a little journey, a reflection if you will, back to yesteryear. This past year so many things had happened. I had changed in so many ways; Robby had also. Sylvia was right; I have so much love inside me, not just for Robby, but for everything.

All the things that had to come together; what if just one would have been off? Where would I be right now; right this minute? And what would be in my heart? And then there was Rob. What if he wasn’t in my life right now? If he wasn’t lying here next to me, would I have longed for something I never had?

I started to question if this was destiny? Would we have eventually found each other? Had every twist and turn in our lives been set into motion long ago just to get us to where we were today; holding each other; feeling the way I did? Would I have gone through life feeling incomplete; not quite whole, and not knowing why? Would I have been deprived of what I felt now?

I could feel the two of us; at this particular moment our hearts and breathing were synchronized; was this meant to be? Last night; how we were with each other; would I have never known love like his? I knew exactly how it made him feel to make me happy, it was the same for me with him, and I was glad he was able to feel it too.

I was overcome, tears beginning to stream from the corners of my closed eyes. Before Robby; a tear had not fallen from my eyes in years, but now, now everything was different, I was different. Many were happy tears; some were shed from confusion, like now, but the first was when he called me Rye.

I’m not a fuckin ball baby my anonymous friends, but since Robby came into my life, my emotions rest on my sleeve. I guess that’s what happens when you give yourself to someone; when you give ‘of’ yourself for another. I would give him my last drop of blood. I would give up everything I have. And yes, what is left of my heart, the part he didn’t already hold, I would give him that too.

Picture if you can; your standing in the middle of a wheat field, bright and golden waves of grain as far as your eyes can see; that’s your life, every stalks a memory, and they are all yours.

You wander around admiring all you see, picking stalks of wheat and reliving the memories held within. You feel the pain and sorrow; all the ‘what if’s’, the pleasure and happiness and all the joy of that moment.

That’s what I was doing, that’s what I’m doing right now as I type, the tears fall as freely today my friends as they did almost forty years ago.

Now imagine that the person you love the most is walking beside you, sharing it all with you, sharing what you feel, then lovingly planting a new stalk for every one picked.

That’s where I was that day; picking the stalks that Robby had planted, we had planted; reliving what had been planted for me, my heart growing just a little more. He truly was the start of my life and this place I shared with him, I did so willingly, no conditions or stipulations, and I realized how bare my field would be if he didn’t share it with me; had he not helped me sow it, and another tear slides down my cheek.

I reached down and picked another; the day I saw his colors for the first time. Water droplets were glistening and sparkling like diamonds sliding down his body, his arms around my neck, and his forehead resting on mine. The feel of his skin was so soft and slippery against mine. Then I opened my eyes and saw the shroud of colors that cloaked him; the beauty radiating from him, beyond words. Amazing what a single memory can hold.  

I reached down and picked another; the morning he put his hand on my heart. He relieving me of the sadness I was feeling that day wondering if what we had would end some day. He gave me the feeling of clarity and helped me realize why I was feeling as I did. I suddenly understood the way we were connected even thou the last of the puzzle pieces had not yet been put in place.

I felt his soft touch; his fingers making designs on my chest, and I picked another. His voice startled me and I turned to see his face; him standing behind me in my field of memories. “Put it back, Ryan.” His eyes, those eyes telling me there was no need for this one again.

He was here with me, but he was next to me in our bed also. That’s what it was like for us, he was always here; had been for a year, maybe longer, and would be always and forever. I stood, the stalk, the memory in my hand, and he said again “put it back, Rye, please.” A drawback to our field of memories; the memory contained within may not be what you're seeking, and you won’t know until it’s in your hand.

I bent down and pushed it back into the fertile dirt, the soil that Robby tended for me, allowing the memory to grow till the day I was ready again. He smiled at me and bent down and picked a long golden stalk, and held it up saying, “this one, Rye.”

It was a stalk from his field, the one that mingled with mine; this was one of his memories. I remembered as I remembered, but not as he did, and he shared it with me now. It was the first time he saw me. His surprise and relief at the sight of me; the colors that surrounded me making him so happy, he knew he had found who he had been unknowingly searching for.

I remembered his eyes, the day they spoke to me for the first time, the shiver that ran up my back, now I was feeling what he did that day. He had dreamt of me from the time he was a little boy. From his earliest memory; I was the boy in his dream with the colors.

Now I was standing right in front of him, the person he had dreamt about, the one that gave him comfort, the one who protected and held him when he needed it most. Another tear escaped my eye, but before it could slide down my cheek his finger was there, there to wipe it away.

That’s what it was like for us my friends. Was it a gift? Was it a curse? Was it destiny, I have no fuckin idea, but it was us, and I was growing so accustom to it. Would I have missed it should I lose it, would my life go back to what it was before him?

I looked beyond him and the stalk, the memory he held in his hand and saw it; the structure. There were no structures in my field, but in his there were. “Ryan. Over here.” He said, trying to distract me.

I looked at him and he waved his finger in front of his face and shook his head back and forth; the way a mother would tell a child no. That wheat, those stalks, they were not to be shared again. The memories of the deer resided there, held captive. He had built that structure for me, to shield me from his pain of what was held in those stalks of wheat, knowing how much it hurt me when he hurt.

He ran his hand around over the fine hair of the wheat like looking for a particular stalk. I watched him pull it out and he turned and smiled. It was the first time I had taken his hand in mine, that night we crossed the invisible line and touched each other, made each other cum for the first time.

This memory was the same for both of us; the same things went through his head as they had mine. The natural way our fingers formed around the others. We both felt how it was so familiar; déjà vu for both of us. We were at a loss that night to understand why we were drawn to kiss our clasped hands.

Then the side memories came into view, each kernel revealing a fragment of the original held in the stalk as a whole. The day in the TR when he openly reached down and took my hand, knowing what it meant. And the day I refused to resist temptation and kissed his. I looked beyond him again, the structure looming in the background.


“Robby…” “No, Ryan.” and again I felt his finger, lightly sliding up and down my chest and stomach, the uncontrollable shivers pulling me from the field, my cheeks wet, his soft voice in my ear. “Enough of yesteryear Rye”

                                     From the Author:

I never shared such detail last time my friends. But this time, it’s different. I think we have covered enough ground, you have realized, begun to understand.

What Robby and I have is so hard to put into word; those that needed convincing, or couldn’t understand, have long ago stopped reading, but those of you who are left, I feel understand, but my need to try and define it, to put words to it, causes me to struggle. “Just so you know”

Light kisses are being planted on my neck and behind my ear; Robby is pulling me from my melancholy, bringing me back from yesteryear, back to today, the first day of my eighteenth year of this life. I pulled him closer, the tears drying on my face, our hearts and breathing still synchronized, our bodies fitting together like the small gears in an expensive watch; absolutely perfect.

I smiled knowing what was going to come out of his mouth. “Ryan… I’m ready for that black out sex now,” he said through smiling lips; confirming what I already knew. “That will be of my choosing Robby. You will never see it coming.”

“Can I buy you lunch then?” he asked, as he resided himself to the fact that I would decide when to bestow that pleasure on him. I nodded, kissed him on the top of his head, and moved for the first time in eight hours.

I stood looking down on him, my favorite toy lay heavy on his side; the bed looking like a twelve man orgy had taken place on it. He raised his eyebrows and said, “it really is a fuckin mess, isn’t it?” I nodded again.

I walked into the bathroom and stood at the counter in front of the mirror, hickeys littering my neck and chest. I shook my head as my smile looked back at me, I didn’t even remember him doing it, not one of them. He was honing his skills.  

I was admiring the one on my chest, about an inch to the middle and an inch up from my left nipple. It was huge and looked like maybe some teeth were involved.

I glanced up and saw his reflection in the mirror. “I thought it was your nipple, Rye,” He said, the corners of his mouth fighting not to rise as he attempted his pouty face. “Fuck Robby, if it would have been my nipple, I would have a new nickname. Fuck, look at it! One nipple, that’s what they would call me.”

He was outright laughing now, “Maybe they’d shorten it and just call you Hollyone,” he said, as he held his stomach. I held my best dead-pan straight face look as long as I could, my eyes glaring at him. I managed to hold it just long enough for him to start questioning if I was mad.

I almost blew snot out of my nose as the laugh I fought so hard to hold back came busting out of me. We both laughed so hard, these were tears that only laughter can produce, our sides starting to burn. New memories were being planted.

We calmed, using the mirror to look at each other. Oh… those fuckin eyes, he knew what they did to me, and he knew just how to use them. The gravity of what we were to each other, what we had and shared, decided now was the time to slap me Right Square in the face, again.

He turned and faced me, wanting more than the reflection provided, it had slapped him too. He reached for me, his arms snaking around my neck, his gentle tug pulling my forehead to his.

 I search for the words my friends, how can I describe to you what it’s like when this happens to us? Think about not needing words to communicate with the one that means the most to you. I don’t mean like having a feeling, but knowing exactly what they are thinking. We had that. Feelings and emotions were our voice, memories created and lust for one another our words. Fuck, I’m not able to do it, my lack of vocabulary not providing the descriptive adjectives to adequately describe what I so desperately want to provide to you. It is so fuckin frustrating. I will move on.  

I pulled back far enough to have his face fill my vision, “you know I have to have a matching set, right?” I asked, his colors exploding before my eyes. “My Mr. everything has to match, does he?” was his reply as he started to lower his mouth to my right nipple.

“Not right now you dork, if I don’t eat and re-hydrate I might shrivel up like a prune, is that what you want?” After a kiss on his forehead, I pushed him back by the shoulders and walked into the shower asking if he was going to get the hairs he missed yesterday and I heard him chuckle.

As I was running my hands over my body; the hot water cascading off of me, I realized just how much cum had dried on my upper body. I could feel the electricity from him next to me, all the hairs on my body standing on end, calling to him.

I could go on, but I won’t. I think you can picture it. We showered, shaved each other, and ended it with a kiss, a kiss that I didn’t realize how much I wanted, how much I needed until I got it. We dressed; me having to wear a button up shirt to conceal the sexual battle scars be had unleashed on me.

We sat across from each others at Millie’s, our glances of recollections playing ping pong on our table as we swooned with one another. Millie asked “honey! What happened to you?” motioning at the three hickeys that my shirt couldn’t cover; her smile telling me I need not answer, and Robby’s smile giving her the answer.

“I don’t think you're going to be able to take your shirt off on the fourth, Ryan,” he said, unable to keep from smiling. “I’ll just tell everybody we were sparing and your technique is improving. That wouldn’t really be a lie, would it?” thinking about the play on words. We spent the rest of the day lounging, never out of reach, close enough to touch should the need arise.

My mom came home around four, a little smashed, and she had Clint with her. They came out on the deck and sat across from us, squirming like a couple teenagers. Clint started the conversation; clumsy and awkward, like only old people can be. He was trying to break it to me that he wanted my mom to move in with him like she hadn’t already.

I took the opportunity to make the both of them sweat a little, my face and eyes doing most of my talking for me, but not enough to change what I knew the outcome would be.

There was no talk of marriage. My mother, not wanting that, and Clint, not ready to take that step again. “You know this house is your's, Ryan, You’re a man now and Clint and I have been waiting for this day. I know you can take care of yourself honey, and I trust that Robby will help you,” she said, a knowing look at both of us; both of our faces reddening. Clint didn’t have a clue, or he was an academy award winning actor.

Here we were, June 21st, 1978; my mother was packing the last of her clothes, Clint bouncing his knee up and down, and me screaming YES, YES, YES, in my mind. I looked at Rob, not giving anything away other than a wink, but he knew, he could hear the festival in my head. I lightened up a little, not wanting to do such a good acting job that mom would change her mind.

As they drove out the driveway; her garage clicker in my right hand, and my left finding its way around Robby’s waist, then slid to his ass. As the tail lights faded I pulled him to me, our lips making contact, the clicker falling from my hand and both hands now finding his firm cheeks, the thoughts of the freedom that had fallen on us, liberating me and my blond sole mate.

A celebration was in order. I got on the phone and called Emory’s for a reservation. We made it in time for our 7:30 date and Rob and I enjoyed a leisurely mouth watering experience. Emory’s was my second ‘go to place’ the culinary artistry and scenery always making it more than just a meal.

We got home around ten, both knowing we needed to get up for work tomorrow. We got into bed after changing the sheets and Rob rolled over onto me like maybe he had a little life in him.

“You have got to be fuckin kidding me, Rob? We have to be up early and go to work.” I scolded him. “Over the hill at eighteen, Rye, how sad is that?” the little fucker said to me. I rolled over, giving him my back, a smile on my face, but acting offended.  

His arm came over me, lips nuzzling my neck, the strength between his legs coming to rest in my crack. I don’t know if its possible for a man to self-lubricate, I mean like a woman can, making herself wet down between her legs, but that’s what Robby did to me.

I pushed back against him, feeling the moisture in my crack, my mind going back to last night, the way I felt just before everything went dark, and the way he felt leading me to the edge of that sexual cliff, then throwing both of us off. That’s how I fell asleep.

I woke early in the morning before the alarm; our position hadn’t changed all night, it rarely did. I gently peeled myself from his grip without waking him and walked into the bathroom. I stood looking at my body, the body of the man I was now, the colors of Robby’s brand on my chest so much more prominent; deeper, darker, and the teeth marks that were clearly visible this morning.

I walked out on the deck and looked at the surroundings in a different way. My eyes focused on the tree line and the half built tree house dad and I were building when he died, never finished, never played in, the unused lumber on the ground all but rotted away.

I put a match to my smoke and wondered out into the yard, the sun starting to show its self through the trees as I stood in my sleep pants. This was mine now, I knew it would be someday, but the way that made me feel this day was not what I had expected.

This was the house where I grew up, all my childhood memories were sewen here, but it was just a house, the place I lived as a child. Today was a new beginning, today this was my home, our home, and together Rob and I would grow fields of memories.

I saw Robby step out on the deck, his hair standing on end; those familiar colors that surrounded him, colors that I now took for granted, but still they amazed me. Our home, I thought as I walked towards him, my body tingling as the distance between us shrunk until I was standing right in front of him, the blanket creases on his skin making me smile.

“These are going kill you someday, Dr. Chancellor,” he said as he took the cigarette from my hand, butting it in the ashtray. His eyes lowered, taking in what stood before him, his fingers playing connect the hickeys on my chest and neck as they traced from one to another until they came to rest on the largest one.

“I don’t remember biting you,” he said as he leaned in and kissed the mark that had grown to the size of a tennis ball. My hand weaved around his neck, pulling on him just a little, my head spinning, weightlessness washing over me again as he slid his lips up to that spot on my neck, the spot he had found that I never knew excised before him.

“Ryan, you are the boss. We could be late you know,” He said, then I felt his tongue wet the spot that he was going to start sucking on if I didn’t stop him. “I have never been late Jr. and I’m not going to start today. Now take that pouty face and go start the shower.”

It was different today; the guys had seen someone at my party, a person that was not the boss. I could feel it as they strolled in one by one, each giving me a look, smiles that told me they liked the man they saw for the first time just a few days ago, my age no longer a secret.

The week flew by and we stood on the porch looking at the beautiful stained glass door as Parker's face beamed when he answered. “Why do you always do that Chance? You don’t need to ring the fuckin bell.” He said squeezing between us, his powerful hands resting on our necks as we walked into the house.

He bounced his head between us letting it bonk off mine then Rob’s as we made our way to the stairs. Rob and I both smiled as we heard the thud of the bass drum and felt it resonate through our bodies; knowing it was Sugar.

As we made our way down the stairs Parker told us Sugar was a very happy boy today, as we stood at the doorway. He was sitting in front of the biggest set of skins I had ever seen.

His eyes were closed, sweat running down his basketball size face and his massive arms that were just a blur as he moved with such determination. He opened his eyes and stopped, his big lips opening the curtain that held back his glowing teeth, his frame starting to jiggle and the smile turned into a laugh.

“Lil Dude, Fancy Pants, Whatcha think?” he asked, waving his sticks around; the sparkling pearl white of the drums in such contrast to the coal black of his mass sitting behind them.

He had been talking about this for months, this was his dream set. Rob walked over and stood behind him, admiring the beauty and quantity of them. “Fuck Sugar, you reek,” Rob said covering his nose, but smiling at his big friend.

They had bonded; drums acting as cement forming a strong foundation for a friendship that was going to last for years. He stood and turned around to face Rob pulling him into a hug and I had to smile. Rob started to squirm, Sugar pulling him tighter; Rob’s face only reaching his massive chest.

Sugar released his hold; put his huge hands on Robs’ shoulders pushing him away a little. Rob looked down on himself, the moisture on his shirt clearly visible. “I’m not your fuckin gym rag, Sugar, now I stink,” he said, running his hands down his shirt like he could brush the smell off.

Sugar pulled him in again, Robs face almost buried in his armpit, and he messed his hair with the other hand. The look on Robs’ face was priceless when he was finally able to get a breath of fresh air.

“If you were just one inch shorter Sugar, I would kick your ass,” He announced as his fingers dug into his stomach causing him to start giggling and jiggling again. Sugar was very ticklish and it was about the only thing Rob could do to level the playing field, knowing Sugar could pop him like a grape, but the monster would never harm a hair on his head.

We spent most of the day practicing what we were going to do at Banners’ Birthday party, Sugar surrendering his sticks to Rob allowing him to share in the joy that the drums provided both of them.

When it came time for us to leave we all went up to the garage to load my new keyboard in the truck. Sugar took Rob by total surprise. He started handing drum cases to Rob “take good care of these Lil Man.” He said, a smile growing on his face. He was giving Rob his old set.

I felt that familiar feeling when Rob’s emotions would wash over me, him unable to contain them all in his small body. Sugar had touched him in a way that few had done before, giving him something that went far beyond just a set of drums.

I watched them sitting on the tailgate, Sugar’s massive hand on Rob’s shoulder, their voices low, and me unable to hear what was being said. The burning in my eyes was a mixture of what Rob was feeling and how I felt about him.

We got in the truck and I looked over at him, his head shaking back and forth, “Wow” coming out of his mouth in little more than a whisper. I reached up to the mirror pulling the little pine tree air freshener off with a snap. Rob, started to laugh as I tucked it in his pocket, “you fuckin stink.” I said as he pulled it out of his pocket and stuck it down my shirt. “Fuck you, Fancy Pants”

Days and weeks passed, the fourth of July came and went, and now we were making our own parking space again at Banner’s party, this time, Rob, behind the wheel. I was looking forward to this, we had been rehearsing for months, and this was going to be a show.

Banners’ dad had taken an old forty foot semi trailer and cut it in half connecting them to create a sixteen by twenty-foot, stage, no makeshift shit this year.

Disco was in full swing and even head banger's wanted to dance; music and dancing the universal language of the day. This was my night to shine and I was dressed for it, had been looking forward to it for months, and sharing the stage with Robby was a dream my come true.

He stood in front of the stage, watching me talk to the guys. Sugar’s drums took up one whole corner of the stage, two keyboards taking up the other. Robby was going to do two songs with me, Unchained Melody, and Gallery’s hit ‘It’s so nice to be with you’

This was going to be our first set; I wasn’t going to pull out the big guns until a little later. Rob had convinced me to do a version of the Beatle’s song ‘I want to hold your hand’. Look up the version done by Glee. Just me and the keyboard, something we never practiced, it was something I did only for him. To say it was well-received would be an understatement.

A couple more songs, sharing the vocals with the guys and I took a break. I mingled with the crowd, downed a few beers and smoked some weed. I was getting into the mood. I was talking to Mike and Cindy when a set of arms made their way around my chest and I saw a look of disgust fall on Cindy’s face. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know.

The voice in my ear was one I hadn’t heard in a long time, no one liked her and I had all but forgotten, but it came back in a hurry. “Hi Jen,” I said as she turned me in her arms and kissed me, trying to stick her tongue in my mouth, like our break-up had been amicable.

Again my savior came to the rescue. Cass sauntered up and squeezed between us, her arm going around my waist, her thumb wiping the lipstick from my lips left behind by Jena then planting a little peck on them. I watched it come over her, that bitch look that she had turned into an art was shared with Jena.

Cass had thrown down the gauntlet, Jen was no match for her and she knew it, not even knowing her. She gave her that look again and said, “come on, RJ,” and she led me off. We stopped about fifteen feet away; she turned to me and reached up putting her arms around my neck, looking me right in the eyes.

She gave me those ‘come fuck me eyes’ and then she started to laugh, she was cracking herself up. “Do you even know how fuckin hot you look tonight, Chancellor? And him,” as she nodded over to Rob, who was watching us with a smile on his face.

“I mean, Jesus Christ, Ryan. He has changed so much in the last year, hasn’t he? He really is hotter than fuck, you know.” I nodded as we resumed our gaze. “Ryan, what are you going to do if I’m not around? You’re gonna wind up getting raped. Who was that little rag anyway?”

“She’s nobody Cass, and I can take care of myself, thank you very much” Showing her my dimples, and my ‘come fuck me eyes’.

 “You give those eyes again Chancellor and Robby might be going home alone tonight,” She said, sounding rather serious.

Her arms fell from my neck and she turned to my right; Rob had walked up. She did to him just what she had done to me. Her hands went right to his ass, her cheek next to his, and him starting to turn red as she was talking in his ear. She was kneading his cheeks in her hands; he was moving his head around, her breath tickling his neck.  

She pulled away from him, smiled at both of us, and swished away. Rob and I watched her until our view was blocked. “She really is a head turner isn’t she,” he said turning to look at me. “She told me if I played my cards right, you might be going home alone tonight Ryan,” he admitted with a face splitting grin. The thought of the three of us together crossed my mind.

The fire had been burning for a while and now I was going to do the second set, the reason I was strutting in the clothes I was. The hottest guy on two legs at the time was Berry Gibb, and maybe his little brother Andy. ‘Staying Alive’ was the song that everybody wanted to dance to and I could nail it, and that’s exactly what I was going to do. You tube time again.

I had the perfect buzz and I really did look the part. My pants almost matched Sugars’ drums, painfully tight in the crotch and belled big enough to cover my shoes, a matching white shirt with French cuffs, gold and diamond cufflinks, and a black leather vest. My hair had grown out a little longer than usual; I had blown it to look full and had sprayed the hell out of it.

It was perfect, I had room to strut on the stage, everybody was dancing, and it turned into a ten minute free for all. Now it was time to swing far to the right. Marvin Gaye, ‘Let’s get it on’. This was a total ‘come fuck me’ song. I loved to be able to do this, it allowed me to sing to Rob in front of everybody and nobody was the wiser, mostly.

The show I put on for him was nothing short of sex with myself; my hands running over my body, my voice desperately crying the lyrics; need and want dripping from my lips. I could sing to everyone and when the words were right, I would lock eyes with him. We both loved it. The last time I looked at him he smiled and mouthed to me “you are so… going to get it later” And I laughed openly.

I am not shitting you when I say there was a line of girls at the bottom of the stairs. I stood one stair up, panic starting to set in as I looked down on the girls that were staring up at me, realizing I had just fucked each one of them from the stage.

I noticed the crowd making a hole, like Farah Fucking Faucet, Cass was causing the sea to part as she sashayed up, that bitch look knocking over everything in her path. A wave of relief washed over me as I stepped down in front of her.

That bitch look faded away, replaced with something between ‘come fuck me eyes’, and ‘I’m going to fuck you senseless eyes’. Her hands started digging at my chest, and then slowly finger walking up until they were around my neck; one hand tightening at the base.

She tilted my head bring my face down to her as she rose up on her toes providing her the angle she wanted. I watched as her tongue seductively wet her plump lips in slow fuckin motion, and her eyes close as she brought us together.

My head was spinning, my body tingling from the shit she was doing, or the fear of what she was doing, I wasn’t sure. I felt her pulling herself up, her legs wrapping around my ass, my hands going to hers to hold her in that position, you know the one.

Oh…. Fuck… ran through my mind as I started to respond to one of the most sultry kisses a girl had ever given me. Her pull increased, her tongue wiped lightly across my lips, I knew what was coming, and everything around me faded away.

I came back from where ever I had gone and I squeezed her ass until she broke from the spell she was under, she pulled back from the kiss, composure returning, the look she gave me was totally different. “Fuck Chancellor. Why haven’t we ever?”

I looked over her shoulder, my smile was met by his as he cleared his throat loud enough for Cass to hear. She reluctantly released her foot lock on my ass and slid her soft front down mine. “You should be safe now,” she said, her gauntlet again had been laid down; those girls would not dare test it.

“I had to make it look good, they were going to eat him alive,” she said to Rob, and then looked back at me, winked, and walked away in the same fashion she had walked up. “Did I interrupt something, Ryan?” he asked. “I think you just saved me from the lust of Cass Rob. I’m not sure,” I replied, shaking my head, fuck.

“You can’t do those ‘come fuck me song’ anymore, Ryan, you gave me a hard on and the way you looked, shit. Where do you pull that from anyway?” he asked as we both looked around at the girls who were wondering if I belonged to Cass, or if there was a chance.

Parker came up and put his arm around my shoulder. “Fuck, me, Chancellor. I mean really? What the hell was that,? You are a fuckin weapon, my friend.” He told me, his eyes reinforcing his words as they glazed over my body, that gleam in them I had seen before. I tilted my head and said, “What.”

“Oh… you’re gonna try and give me that coy shit, are you? You fuckin near did a strip tease up there, and you act all surprised when a group of girls wants to fuckin gang rape you. I’m still damn near busting out of my pants, and Cass, fuck, Ryan, I have never seen her like that. I know she would fuck you, hell, both of you.”

I raised my brow, the thought going through my mind again as I saw Rob doing the same thing, but with a big smile. Parker bonked his head against mine and walked away adjusting himself.

Now I knew I had a gift, my voice and how I had the ability to sound. I was hot, I’m not bragging, but I was. I knew how I came off to others, all self-confident and shit, and I could work what I had, but this was the first time I really saw the aftermath I created.

I looked at the love of my life; he was watching me out of the corner of his eyes. He turned so he was looking straight at me, his ‘come fuck me eyes’ speaking volumes. Then a smile crept across his face, ”I think you’re going to have to ride in the back of the truck Ryan, that big fucking head of yours will never fit in the cab.” That smile turning into a laugh.

“Well, Cass offered, me a ride, you know,” I told him, taking just a little offense to his remark that maybe I was a little full of myself. “I think she’d give us both a ride Ryan.” Then realizing how what he just said sounded, but he was right.

This year I think the party drew almost four hundred people, the pickup bed that was full of kegs was now empty when we packed up my keyboard and put it in the truck.

Rob and I played hot potato with the keys, both of us wanting to do to the other what could only be done from the passenger seat. I’m not sure who the winner was, but I drove home. OK, I won.

I don’t know if it was just the night or his determination to make me cum before we got home, but his determination prevailed. He took my ‘behind the wheel’ virginity that night.

We lay in bed after washing away the smell of the fire and sweat I worked up on stage, and the drive home. “I don’t think I could ever share you, Rye” he confided to me, the conviction in his voice emphasizing his statement. What a powerful thing to say to someone.

The hands on the clock of life just spin when you’re living and loving each moment to the fullest. Rob and I were sitting side by side in the front seat of Bruno’s Bel Air as he again chauffeured us home.

Rob was fumbling with the bracelet on his wrist as Bruno slowed for the driveway. Rob looked up and yelled “Stop.” and Bruno hit the brakes.

His elbow was digging in my side trying to push me out the door before we came to a stop. “Get out Ryan, let me out.” the need in his voice scaring me.

He stood looking at the centuries guarding our home, and the sculpture they now held. Bruno had shown it to me in April and I told him to have it repaired or a new one made.

This was the original, forged by a blacksmith when horse and wagons were the form of transportation when our flag only had twenty-four stars. It spanned the driveway, the pillars holding its mass. 'The Willows’ formed the arch, a willow tree growing from the double L’s, branches hanging delicately in front of and around the letters, but not obscuring the message.

I watched Robby standing in front of the car, the familiar feeling of his emotions bathing me, him unable to contain them. Had I known what it would do to him I would have never had Bruno do it.

He stood there, his body jerking like being hit by something unseen, I felt like I was being stung by bees. I didn’t feel my eyes burn like I had in the past but the tears running down my cheeks hurt like never before.

Bruno and I drove behind him as he walked down the driveway taking whatever was lashing at him but not letting it break his stride until he disappeared around the corner of the house. With genuine concern in his voice, Bruno asked, “Is he OK? Are you OK, Ryan?” “I really don’t know.” I really didn’t.

I watched Bruno as he turned out the driveway and I walked in the front door and put our bags on the floor in the entry, my nose taking in the smell of home again. My eyes burned now but the tears had stopped. I poured a Scotch and stood on the deck watching Robby, nothing like this had ever happened before.

I walked down to our tree and sat on the opposite side, the massive trunk between us as I tried to search for what had happened. Robby was so quick to build another structure in his field of memories, concealing whatever it was from me, something I wouldn’t see or feel until half a lifetime passed, the day his strength failed him and I betrayed his trust.

I rose to me feet wondering if things had just changed, I wasn’t getting anything from Rob and he hadn’t spoken. I knew whatever happened had a profound effect on him, something he felt necessary to conceal from me. “Should I have him take it down?” I quietly asked as I stood, wanting to round the tree and look at him, but I didn’t. “It’s meant to be there Ryan.” was all he said, and we never spoke of it again.

I walked up the small grass hill and stood on the deck waiting for him. His colors were not as bright, the brilliance of them kind of tarnished as he walked towards me, but when he lifted his head, saw my face; they exploded like they always did when he looked at me.

We spent the whole week traveling to all the states that surrounded us with me only taking the wheel when the Lincoln was our chariot. We were still on our quest to find more clues, something concrete; something substantial to validate everything he could remember. We didn’t find anything that Fall and Robby had lost some of his lust for what we both knew had to be out there.

This was our third time here and each time was so different from the times before. We still used the same bedroom, the familiarity something we wanted to retain. As much as it meant to us I spent a day with Bruno doing measurements wanting to create a suite for us, bring the comforts of our bedroom in Washington here, but not take away the integrity, or the ageless character of our home in the east.    

Bruno introduced me to a carpenter, a master craftsman that assured me he could do what I wanted and still maintain the rich history and the love that was poured into every hand planed piece of wood. Over the next six months, he would turn the large bathroom in the hall into two, and create a doorway in my grandparents room into what would be our new on suite.

It was going to drive me crazy to not be able to oversee every detail like I had when we did the work on our home in the west. Bruno and I killed a bottle of scotch with Brandon discussing how it was going to all come together. Pictures would be taken and sent to me every couple of days and I would have long conversations with them as the progress, which was painfully slow, unfolded.

The time passed so quickly as it always did here and Robby and I were sitting in our first class seats, a blanket over us and his hand in mine as I dosed, my head leaning towards him but not on his shoulder, and the briefcase containing a quarter of the stock that had been safely hidden in the safety deposit box rested under my seat.

I was daydreaming, thinking about the Air Stream trailer I was going to buy when we got home. Rob and I loved being out in nature, but sleeping in a tent on the ground was not very desirable to either of us. We both wanted creature comforts; a soft bed, a place to lounge, and yet still be able to open the door and take in the best that nature had to offer.

That was how we were going to celebrate his birthday this year. He didn’t know it and knew nothing about the matching dirt bikes that were waiting for me to pickup; one of my presents to us.

I had drifted off and he squeezed my hand and whispered “we’re landing, Rye” You know that feeling, the one when your eyes focus on the thing that makes your heart want to explode, that’s what I saw sitting next to me.

He had told me a year ago that he would never be able to look at me without getting a smile on his face. At the time, I thought it was cute, but he was serious, and he proved it every time he looked at me like every time was as special as the first.

Robby started his senior year; I went back to work and would be meeting with the financial adviser Chuck had recommended. I understood that I would be taking a little loss when I gave him my briefcase and told him I wanted cash.

He was a man that Chuck assured me I could trust, a man that could do things that couldn’t be done today, could protect me from the taxman, the greedy son of a bitch that would have robbed me of much of my wealth.

I stood in the doorway to Chucks’ downtown office, his face smiling at me as I came into sight. I noticed the balding backside of the head belonging to the trusted man he had recommended who was sitting in front of him.

I walked over behind Chuck and took in the view that his talent as a lawyer was now providing him. I am not a big fan of heights but the city of Seattle, the view his office provided was breathtaking.

I sat in the chair next to the man I had given my briefcase to as Chuck slid a piece of paper across his desk. I looked at it as he explained. He said that I took a hit because I wanted cash, and kind of questioned why I wanted cash but he went on. He told me that there was no paper trail and the money really didn’t exist.

He assured me that I had been treated more than fair and the man asked if we were going to do this again. I told him this was the first of four and I could see a twinkle in his eye and then I looked at what he took as a commission. Now I knew what the twinkle was about.

Chuck picked up a large leather suitcase from under his desk and set it on a coffee table in the corner of his office. He got up and closed the door and sat on the couch as the man sat in a chair opposite me.

When he opened it, I think I came and shit myself at the same time. The hundred thousand dollars that was still in the safety deposit box was like a stack of quarters compared to this. It was like something that you saw in the movies.  

“Jesus… Fucking… Christ…” just fell out of Chuck’s mouth and he got up and walked to the crystal decanters that sat on a small glass table, pouring a double and downing it. He looked over his shoulder and gave us a questioning look and I nodded.

With a double poured in three glasses, he sat back down handing one to each of us. The suitcase was still open; I was still ejaculating in my pants and was sure I could smell shit seeping from my ass.

“Why cash, Ryan?” he asked, swirling the dark golden liquid in his glass listening to the ice go around, waiting for my reply. “I, really don’t know Chuck,” I said. I really didn’t know. “Because he’s smart Chuck, that’s why. It may have cost him a little on the front side but he is able to avoid so much on the back side.” Hammerstein said.  My lips curled up a little at him saying ‘back side’. The price of being eighteen, I guess.

“Ryan I am not comfortable with you walking out of here with that. Not comfortable at all.” Chuck said as he downed the last drop in his glass. “Mr. Chancellor we should talk,” Hammerstein said. I shook my head no and told him we would never talk unless we were here, and zipped the suitcase closed.

I drove home arriving a little later than normal. I walked into the sound of the drums that Robby always went to whenever the time allowed. I stood and watched him as he sat with his eyes closed, little droplet sliding down the fine down of his shirtless chest. If I believed; I would have dropped to my knees and thanked the invisible man in the sky for blessing me.  

We had set up his drums and my keyboard in his room and moved him to moms’ old room. Our old water bed took up most of it and the new queen in ours was now the bed we shared. Our room at ‘The Willows’ with the smaller bed made us realized that the size of the bed didn’t have anything to do with what happened in it.

We ate dinner at the Gentleman with Sylvia, something that was happening more and more often. I so… loved the interaction between them. I could see it in her, she knew he was not sharing what I think he would have, had I not been sitting across from them. And I could see in him that he was afraid she would see beyond, beyond his eyes, deeper, like she had the ability to do.

We had showered and lit a fire in the fireplace in the sitting room. My piano sat in the corner and I was sitting, playing in the nude when Robby walked in. He stood in front of the fire warming his perfect ass and was watching me with his ‘come fuck me eyes’.

I was singing and playing softly, his body, the red underwear with black stitching screaming at me to eat them off him.

He tilted his head a little and finally asked “what happened today Ryan? How was the meeting with Hammerstein? He didn’t hose you, did he?”

“Chuck would never let that happen. You should know that Rob.” I replied, the look of him making me high. Now just so you know, our lovemaking had not become routine, but as you also know, the luxury of spontaneity, like a man and woman can have doesn’t work the same way for those of us that love another man.

Our lovemaking was planned, most always on the weekend, and we traded. In spite of knowing what was going to happen, it was always a seduction, foreplay lasting much longer than is should, deliverer or recipient it always ended in both of us cumming to the point of dehydration.

He dropped to his knees, moved across the floor like a cat stocking its prey and his head popped up between me and the piano.

How can I describe the color of his eyes? The blue color was like nothing I had ever seen and still haven’t to this day. I think it was unique to him and him alone. The gold flecks, nothing like the gold I wore, this was thousand carrot, a sparkle, and combination that was just totally Rob.

I watched them watch me until those eyes lowered to what was right in front of his face. He lowered his head, sniffed at my cleanliness, and ran his tongue from my tip all the way up to my hair then looked up at me. The way he looked at me, the things those eyes said to me can still draw a tear from my now wrinkled eyes. Fuck.  

I wrestled to get out from behind the piano without hurting him and made my way to the comforter as he knee walked over to me. Even thou I had been the recipient last weekend, tonight I was going to be the receiver again, his was going to come next weekend, his Birthday.

He didn’t understand why we were out of order but within a few minutes that was the last thing on his mind. I took him in my mouth like I had so many times before, my love and or desire overriding my gag reflex and he moaned painfully as I swallowed around him.

My rhythm as I bobbed up and down on him, the fire crackling in the background, my breathing perfect and we thrust him in and out of me till he made me cum, only because I had done that to him. I had told him that spit was the best lube but he had proved to me a few months ago that cum was really the best lube and that’s what I used as I lowered myself down on him.

We were on an old comforter that came home with us from Fredericksburg, could have been crafted by Betsy Ross herself but we so loved the feel of that well-preserved material on our naked skin. He stayed inside me, the strength held between his legs showing me I was the only one he would ever love. He didn’t push me off the cliff that night, not that he did try.

The fire had died to a smolder, and I was back in my field again. I had picked the stock that held the memory of us at ‘The Willows’ that first time. We lay in front of the fire much like we were now, how I wanted him, not understanding yet what we had or why I was so afraid about after.

Like always he was with me, not only in my field but next to me on the floor in front of the dying embers of our fire, our hearts and breathing synchronized again. I didn’t want the individual kernels to show themselves, the fragments of the memory as a whole was not something I wanted tonight.

How he always knew when to appear I will never know. I could feel him blowing air in and around my ear pulling me again from the place I always seemed to go. Now all I could think about was him, his control over me, his love that he never tried to hide and me again thanking the invisible man in the sky for bestowing the blessing of Robby on me.

He fell asleep on me as the embers from the fire put off a red glow on the ceiling and his sexual exhaustion took him to a peaceful slumber. I lay there with his head on my chest, his hand firmly holding his favorite toy and I felt him squeeze me in his slumber.

I was starting to dose, sleep drawing to that place where you’re between still awake and the moment that you surrender to what is to come. My eyes shot open as Robby started to squirm, his hand lightly massaging my chest as I felt what was becoming more familiar.

 The first time it happened was last year as I sit by the river under our tree. The second was when we were in Hawaii last Christmas, but it had been happening with more regularity. I lay there with a pounding in my chest. I was trying to count the beats but I couldn’t count fast enough. There was no pain which I thought kind of strange considering, but I could feel and hear the blood being pumped through my body.


                                             From the Author:


 I have used ‘from the author’ as a venue to express myself to you as a group, or individually, and many truly enjoy it, so I will continue. Over the past month and a half, I have spent rewriting what I first crafted so unsuccessfully; I have had the privilege of your emails and comments, and your diversity takes me by surprise. There are three of you that have touched me more than others and you I shall call my ‘special friends’. You are the ones I tried extra hard for with this chapter. I did struggle with this chapter because I so wanted you to feel it, for my words to materialize in your minds, what I wanted to give you. Most of the world take for granted things we have always had, but not these three. They lack the gift of sight, one never having it, and the other two having it taken from them. I never expected this. I read this chapter back aloud to myself, and so wish I could read it to you personally. I listen to the inflection in my voice; the way the emotion hangs on my words, and the way the tears make that certain sound as I struggle to speak to you. I would love to give that to you. So many of you have stepped outside your comfort of being anonymous and done what you needed to comment, some for the first time ever. Others have gone a step further and emailed me directly, something I am sure you thought long and hard about doing, but did anyway. I can not say thank you enough. I want you all to know, I dug deeper, went far beyond what I did last time, gave so much more of myself and it makes me feel good. I hope you realize that and appreciate what you brought out of me. And I hope it makes you feel good to make me feel good.  



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