Only In My Dreams

When I thought things would get better...

I've only known him for a few days, but I feel this connection between him and I, and I can't explain it. When he's here, I feel warm and protected. When he's not here, I feel alone and vulnerable. I couldn't get Jamie out of my mind, everywhere I go, he's there. My dreams, my thoughts, everywhere. It's not like I'm complaining or anything, it's just weird that I have this feeling about him, and we've just met. As I walk down the halls trying to sort out my feelings, I see the two most hated people I've ever had the unfortunate circumstances to know, Toby and Jackson. They were walking towards me, and I needed to hide myself quickly before they spot--

"hey, Alice!" Jackson calls out. "uuggghh...." I groan in distaste. Jackson, Toby, and their friends from the football team were surrounding me; I had nowhere to go. I started getting nervous, and I backed down a little. "where're you going?" Jackson asked stepping closer to me. "I-I'm just trying to get to class..." I nervously said as my back hit the wall. I gulped nervously and looked at the floor. Toby snagged my backpack from me, and searched it. Wait, my wallet is in there! They're gonna find money! They're gonna think I lied to them! Could this day get any worse?! "well well well, lookie here, Jackson. The little faggot lied to us!" Toby yelled as he threw my backpack at me. He started going through my wallet, and found my bank card, and $45 in cash. I stand corrected, it did get worse.

"what is this, faggot?" Jackson hissed as he held on to my wallet. I knew i was in trouble, and I also knew that they were gonna hurt me. "m-m-my money..." I said hanging my head. Jackson grabbed my shirt collar and pushed me into the wall further. "where did you get this, Alice?" Toby said with anger in his eyes. Toby handed him the cash and threw my wallet on the ground next to me. "he was probably working the night shift." one guy said. I watch in terror as they all laugh. What are they gonna do? I see something terrible brewing in Jackson's sick mind.

"ok, Alice. Come by my house in Cardwell around 11 pm. It's the big white one. You cant miss it." he smiled evilly. 

I knew what he wanted me to do, and I didn't want to do that. 

"n-no... I won't do that..." I said being pressed further against the wall. 

I saw Jackson flash a crooked grin, and then he slapped my cheek lightly a few times. 

"you will..." he said walking off. 

I picked up my wallet and my backpack, and thank god my bank card was still in there. I sighed to myself, and made my way down to lunch. 

I scan the packed cafeteria looking for an empty table to sit at because nobody wants to sit with "the gay kid," so i eat alone. 

As i sat down at an empty table back towards the wall, my stomach was grumbling as I watch other people enjoy their meals. Mine was taken from me, and you would think that perhaps people would grow out of that, but I guess Toby and Jackson didn't. 

It's really pathetic that they can take my food or my money just because they're bigger than me. But, I can't be surprised that I still get picked on; I have been since the 6th grade because of my name, and when I came out to my "friends," the whole school rejected me. 

My old friends don't even look at me anymore, and I feel so alone. I sit here all the time alone while everyone else laughs and catches up with their friends about the days events, and nobody cares about what happens to me. I get bullied right in front of them, and they just watch and listen. I cry for hours at night just hoping that it would stop, but it never does. 3,700 kids, and not one steps up for the little guy; not one stands and says, "this isn't right!" it's not like I make it up; this pain is all to real and out in the limelight to be ignored. 

Teachers walk by and see me upset, and not one of them besides Mr. Higgins does anything to help me. What do I have to do? Do I have to stand and scream that I'm being bullied and literally spill out everything just so SOMEBODY will listen? Why doesn't anyone listen to me? Why doesn't anyone care? Am I invisible? The scary thing is that there are more kids out there that are in the same boat as me, and that's wrong. People shouldn't be afraid to go to school like I am; people shouldn't be treated like the gum on your shoe like I am. 

I lie awake in my bed for hours contemplating what I should do to take the mental pain away, but I can't think of anything. I'm so tired of being here; I'm so tired of feeling like nothing, and I need to make it stop or I'll end up dead. I look over towards the door and Jamie steps in. My whole day has just been erased; my whole day is now better.

He found my table and walked over to me and sat down. He notices my red, puffy eyes. 

"have you been crying?" he asked putting his hand on mine. 

I nod my head and wipe away the last of my tears from my eyes. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Jackson looking over at me, and he stands up. I look over fully and see him heading towards my table. I look back down at the table and see Jamie look over at Jackson and then me. 

"is he the one that hurts you?" he asked once again. 

I nod my head slowly. Jackson came over and nudged my shoulder. 

"thanks for lunch, Alice!" he laughed. I looked at Jamie, and saw anger flash in his eyes. 

He stood up and got in Jackson's face. 

"get the hell out of here, asshole!" he growled. 

"the fuck are you going to do, huh Canuck?" Jackson laughed as Jamie grew angrier. 

"you have two choices: either my friend gets left alone, or I swear that's all you'll ever be. Alone..." Jamie hissed as his fists clenched. Jackson laughed and walked away back to his table. 

"t-thanks.." I said smiling a little bit. Maybe someone does care about me! The lunch bell rang again, and it was time to go back to class. Jamie insisted on walking me to my next class, so I didn't fight him on it. 

"god, I'm hungry..." I said under my breath, but I guess it was loud enough for Jamie to hear it. 

"that scum bag took your lunch?!" he yelled a little. I couldn't deny it, so I nodded. "he does it every day... It's so childish..."  

He shook his head in disbelief, and took out a spare sandwich he had in his backpack. "here." he said handing it to me. 

"do you usually walk around with sandwiches in your backpack?" I asked taking a bite. 

"I usually get hungry after lunch, but because you couldn't eat, I'm giving it to you." he said smiling at me. 

I thanked him and scarfed it down as fast as I could because I was starving. I reached my next class, and Jamie walked to his, and he made me promise that If Jackson bothers me again, to tell him.

At least I have someone to talk to in this school...

I got to class a little early, and people began filtering in. Just when I thought my day was getting better, Toby walked in and spotted me. 

I saw him grin and walk over to me. I hadn't even sat down yet, and he's already starting shit. He came up from behind me and twisted my arm behind my back. I shouted a little at the pain and he leaned me over the desk.

"who the fuck was that at your table, fag? A butt buddy for you to have man sex with?" he laughed. "ow! You're hurting me!" I shout in pain, but all he did was laugh. 

"you faggots are all the same: wimps!" he said in my ears. He let go of my arm and gave my shoulder a push before leaving. 

I cant take this anymore!

I walked towards Principal Baxter's office, and I knocked on the door and asked if I could talk to him about something. 

"sure, Alec. Come in!" he said closing the door. I took a seat in the chair in front of his desk. 

"what's on your mind?" Mr. Baxter asked. I shifted my weight in the chair, and began speaking, 

"um... I'm getting bullied again..." I hear a sigh come from the other side of the desk. 

"we know about it, Alec. But, there's nothing I can do. There are simply too many students in this school." he said. 

"well, how about just Jackson Flintworth, and Toby Kenneth? Can you get them to stop picking on me? Please? I beg you! Please don't let them hurt me anymore!" 

I said starting to cry again. "I'll see what I can do, Alec. But I can't promise anything..." he said sincerely. 

He gave me a sympathetic smile and I walked back to class. I dried my tears, and sat back down i my seat. 

I look over to Toby who was sitting at my table, and he was glaring at me something fierce. I gulped nervously, and tried to focus on my work that had to do. I couldn't wait for this class to be over, because after history, I have the only other class I have with Jamie: Economics. 

As I patiently waited for the bell to ring, I could feel the hate radiate off of Toby, and it made me scared a little bit. As the bell rang through the school, I virtually leaped out of my chair and walked as fast as I could to the door. As I quickly walked down the hallway, I felt a strong hand on my shirt collar. I was slammed hard into the lockers, and Toby appeared in front of me. 

"Toby Kenneth, and Jackson Flintworth to the Principal's office." the loudspeaker said. Toby got up with a groan and left. 

After class, it's time to head home. I make my way through the crowded halls as Toby confronted me. He pushed me into the wall with brute force. 

"fucking rat!" he said kneeing me in the gut. I keeled over as he picked up my head, and gave me a wicked nasty punch right to the face. I felt to the floor, and covered my face and torso with my arms. 

I kept feeling kicks to my back, and some made their way to my ribs. "help!!! Someone!!!!" I scream as he kicked me even more. Tears well in my eyes as more blows send pain shooting through every nerve in my body. I felt him flip me over, and two strong hands wrap around my throat. 

"i got thrown off the football team 'cause of you!!" he screamed as It was getting harder to breathe. I grab his wrists; trying to loosen his massive grip, but he pushed harder, and my lungs started to burn; begging for oxygen.

My eyes shoot open as I try to get even the smallest bit of oxygen into my lungs, and all I see is a hade motivated Toby. I knew I was going to die, I knew it. I'm going to die on the cold ground of my high school. 

I started crying as my vision starts to blur, and fade. "POLICE! LET ME SEE YOUR HANDS!!! Toby released me and his arms shot up in the air as the cops pressed their guns into his back. 

My lungs flooded with oxygen, and I hyperventilate, grabbing my throat as I heave. I watch as the police handcuff Toby and Jackson watches from the crowd. I watch as he quickly disappears before Toby can rat him out. 

"Alec? My name is Officer Thomas, are you in any pain in your neck or head?" he asked kneeling down to my level. I shook my head and pointed to the back of my head. 

I was still freaked out to even talk, so I just lied there in pain. The EMTs rushed to my side, and checked my neck for any signs of a crushed trachea, or any swelling. 

"severe swelling around the larynx, minor head trauma..." he announced as he opened my mouth and looked inside. 

"shit, his windpipe is swelling shut, we need to get him out of here." she said as a small crowd had gathered around us as Jamie pushed his way through the swarms of people. 

"let me through! I'm his boyfriend!" Jamie yelled as he made his way over to me. "oh god..." he whispered as he cupped my cheeks with his hands. My breathing was shallow, and quick as Jamie felt the bruises Toby had left on my neck. 

"give us some space." the EMT said as they carried me down the stairs. People were silent, and watching as I pass by. Jamie had tears in his eyes as he stood next to me holding my hand. 

I saw some people whispering, and others were crying. The bright sun forced me to close my eyes tightly as I'm loaded into the waiting ambulance. 

"I want to ride with him." Jamie announced as the EMT allows him. 

Jamie sat next to me as re second EMT closed the double doors, and hit the back wall 3 times. I hear the sirens start blaring as the second EMT radioed in to Compton General. 

"ambulance 15 transporting a white male, patient name: Alec Denton, age 18 symptoms include swelling trachea and minor head fracture. Requesting ER 2 prepped upon arrival."

"Roger, 15, what is your ETA?" the radio answered.

"3 minutes." she said releasing the button "Alec, you're gonna be ok. We're gonna take good care of you, ok? Just stay calm." she finished as she put her hand on mine. 

I nodded slightly as Jamie held my other hand tightly. I could see the worry and the fear in his green eyes as the ambulance sped down the road. We soon arrived at the hospital and they hoisted me onto a gurney brought me inside. Jamie never left my side. 

"ok, Alec, I'm Dr. Stanton and I'm the anesthesiologist. We're gonna have to put you under so we can get to work on your throat ok?" he asked. I simply nodded and he proceeded. Within minutes, I felt faded, and finally darkness came over me. 

* * *

I woke up I'm guessing several hours later, and I feel this thing in my throat. It felt weird, but at least I can breathe better than I did before. My neck felt cold, but I couldn't see why from my angle. I looked around the room, and of course, I didn't see my mom, but instead, sitting in a chair with his head in his hands, was Jamie. 

"h-hey..." I hoarsely said. I watch as his head shoots up, and the biggest smile I've ever seen from him creeps along his face. He gets up from the chair and walks over to my bed. 

"the doctor said that they're taking this tube out once the swelling goes down a little more." Jamie said with a smile. 

"h-how much swelling was there?" I asked. 

"well.... They had to drain a ton of it because they couldn't get the tube in, so Toby hurt you pretty bad I guess..." he said leaning in and kissing my forehead. 

A young looking nurse walked in, and i watch as Jamie asks when I can go home. "we have to make sure the swelling is not obstructing his airway, pull out the tube that's in his throat, and then he can go." she replied nicely. 

The nurse came towards me, and checked my throat with a small flashlight. She felt around my throat, and the expression on her face says that everything looks good, so the doctors come in and remove the tube from my throat. It felt weird, almost like they were taking my throat out with it. Jamie saw that I was feeling a little uncomfortable, so he placed his hand on mine to try and soothe me. 

I watched with heavy eyes as the tube slid out, and I could breathe semi-normal again. Jamie smiled with tears of joy running down his face. 

"I'm really tired.... Can you take me home?" I asked climbing out of the bed. The nurse brought my clothes in, and I nervously got dressed right in front of Jamie. I blushed as he looked over my body, and my crotch. I hid it shyly. He walked over to me, and placed a hand on mine that was covering my cock. He pulled me in close and kissed my neck. 

"it's ok, Alec. You're beautiful..." he whispered as he helped me with my shirt. He fixed the collar as I slipped on my jeans over my underwear. I slipped on my shoes, and the nurse handed me a sign-out sheet. I signed my name, and Jamie interlaced his fingers with mine.

We walked to the trolley stop, and headed to my house. Upon arriving, I see caution tape around my house, and police cars littering the streets. One said "crime scene unit; CSU." I jumped down the trolley stairs, and ran to the tape, and see a lone ambulance with a body bag on the stretcher. My eyes go wide.

No.... Not her too...

An officer stopped me as I crossed over the line. "t-that's... I-is she?!?" I cried. The officer gave me a sympathetic look, and the EMT stopped the stretcher. He zipped the body bag opened and I looked in. My moms face was cold, and grey. I collapse in a sob, and Jamie rushes to my side; holding me. Tears flow like a river as Jamie holds me tighter; trying to comfort me.

"NO!!!!" 

I push Jamie away, and collapse into a ball. My tears splash to the ground as memories of my mother flood my mind. 

God, Why did you take her too?

Rain started to fall from a sullen sky as I cry harder into the night. Everything is gone, my home, my happiness.... My mom.... The ambulance pulls away with the remains of my mother, and I jump up to my feet. "c-can I get a few things real quick?" I asked the officer with tears still flowing. He nodded his head, and I entered my dark house that seems so grey. I walk up to my mother's room, and took her pillow, and a picture of her. I inhaled her scent as a tear escaped my eye. I look around the room as I hold the pillow close to my heart. I remember coming in here when I had a bad dream, and when I needed help with homework, but now, it's just another room in a cold home. Rain plops and pings off of the glass as I look at her neatly made bed. I collapse onto it as it still holds what my mom used to smell like. I closed my eyes and silently cried as the thought of never seeing her again flooded my mind. Soon, the blanket was wet from my tears, and I slowly stood up, and walked into my room, and packed up my things. I walked out of my house, and looked back one last time. Jamie came to my side, and wrapped his arms around me lovingly. As I remember all of my joys and hardships I had in that house, a gangly guy in a suit walks up to me, and interrupts me. "I'm Jim Weinstein, and as the owner of this house, you and I need to go over a few things, but until then, is there anything I can do for you now?" he said in a nasally voice. "yeah, hold these." I said still wiping my tears. "and take them to 5 Lakeland Drive in Cardwell."  Jamie said as i was shoving my bag into this guys chest. I walked over to the trolley station with my mom's picture, and  her pillow, and waited for a trolley to Cardwell.

I love you, Mom...

As the trolley stopped, and we boarded it, Jamie sat close to me, and pulled me in for a tight hug. As he did, the trolley stopped, and a woman boarded it, it's mom! She looks at me with her dark brown eyes that she gave to me, and smiled. "hi, baby..." 

"m-mom?!" 

"Don't worry about me, sweetie. Im ok now, and I promise you, Alec, every time you cry, I'll be here with you. Every time you're mad, I'm here with you, don't forget that, ok baby?" she said in her sweet voice. 

"o-ok..." I said with a quivering lower lip. "everything will be ok, Alec. Those boys can't hurt you anymore; I won't let you get hurt by them." she smiled. "I-I love you, mom!" 

"who are you talking to, Alec?" Jamie said that snapped me out of my daydream. I looked around, and the trolley was empty. I sunk in my chair. 

"m-my mom..."