Have you ever been the odd ball in the family? Where everyone is outside running around, just being normal kids and you're the one who watches from the outside of all that fun? If not, then you're the lucky one, and if the answer is yes, then you will understand my world. My name is James.
I have an older brother and sister, both are sporty and competitive in the sports they live for. I loved books; they were my solace, inspiration and more real to me than the 'real world of my family. [the subject is 'books']
My older brother was two years my senior, and he had the stocky muscular body that is a predominant feature in my family. At eighteen, he was 6ft4 and very near staring dad in the eyes. He had dad's strong jaw line, dark slashes for eyebrows and black eyelashes that had no trace of curl yet they were abundantly thick. Dark brown eyes graced his face and they were his best feature. I had watched those eyes change with his emotions over the years and I considered myself a connoisseur of his moods. I had to be; I had been his punching bag in the past enough times to learn to read his moods. I knew when to run and hide.
I hated him, yet wished that I could just be like him. You see I, on the other hand, was his complete opposite. At 5ft5, I was shorter than my sister who was my brother's twin.
Where my older siblings had swarthy skin and totally clear complexions, I was cursed with freckles and a tendency to burn in the sunshine, so I was always the pale looking one.
Leon and Leila, took after Dad's strong and handsome features. They wore their beauty like a cloak, trailing it over the people around them, drawing them deeper into their world. I was this pale shadow that would trail after them. No one took notice of me while my older siblings graced their adoring fans with their smiles. That is how charismatic the two were. And when you became the butt of their jokes, it seemed that you could never do anything right to please them. That is how I was, always the butt of their jokes.
Now, before anyone gets any ideas, I am not gruesome to look at. It's just that I take after my mother in many ways. I have her petite height and her quiet nature. Mum is the peace maker, and how she had managed not to kill the three of us kids still surprises me to this day.
But as I was saying, I wasn't hideous, but it was just that I looked 'fragile'. I was small boned and looked much younger because of it. I had dads black lashes, but mine curled, I had eyes that I thought of as mud coloured. I had a smooth rounded chin, and cheekbones that were high, but rounded and softened. I considered it weak looking. My body was small and compact, and I never grew past 5ft7. The thing I resented the most, was that I looked more feminine than my sister, because I resembled mum's girly features more; I was considered pretty, never handsome. Mum had curly hair and I was cursed with that whole messy, shaggy look. I hated it. The twins had dads' hair, which lay straight and just where they wanted it to when they combed it.
Until I was eight, other kids were always confused on whether I was male or female. I would glower at them and keep to myself. It hurt and embarrassed me, and I found it hard to talk to other kids for fear that they couldn't tell I was male. The twins thought it was funny and ridicule was a common thing for me back then.
Mum was the only one who understood me. Dad tolerated me, but he felt uncomfortable being around me. I knew this, and never pushed dad for affection of any kind. Mum and I had this connection that at times didn't need words to explain it, and it was enough for me. My world ended the day a truck ploughed into mum's car.
I was twelve, and I watched as dad broke down at her funeral. Family members comforted him and held him. The twins had their friends to give them solace; I had no one. I sat in the front pew, silent, and gripping my hands together so tightly that my knuckles went white. I would not cry, and I vowed to myself that no one would ever have the power to hurt me. I shut everything down that resembled a heart within my body, using shards of frozen ice as protection and balm.
- - - - - - - -
It was a day after the funeral that Kevin came into my life. He was in the same year as my brother and I shied away from him because of it. He had only moved here recently and my brother Leon and he had hit it off, another reason to avoid him in my books; two peas in a pod as they say. However, he was persistent, and eventually we ended up talking. I stared at him with distrust. He had green eyes, that were now more blue than green. His brown hair was short on the sides and longer on the top made into a spiked hair do. At 14 he was tall and lanky, but I knew that in a few more years, it would fill out into muscle. Kevin was an only child and he, too, had lost a parent. He told me if there was anything I needed he would be the listening ear. He understood pain all to well and it could fester, he warned. I told him coldly that he was of no use to me if he couldn't bring back the dead, so leave me be.
I expected him to be annoyed or cold and aloof after my abruptness and brush me off, but he did none of these things. He nodded his head, gave me a warm smile and told me he would be around, and walked away.
I didn't trust him one bit. I was used to my siblings making me the brunt of all their jokes and I assumed this was one too, just much more elaborate. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It was also around this time that I started going through puberty. I dreamt of Kevin's smile and sucking his cock. In my dream I felt him blow in my mouth, although I had never done this in real life, my mind gave me the sensation and taste of porridge. I woke up with sticky boxer briefs and a mind filled with confusion. I knew about sex from sex Ed, I also knew about fucking from dad's hidden porn stash. I had stumbled across it in the garage one day when I was hiding from Leon. At the time, I was 7 and really didn't understand it for what it was, but kept going back to read the magazines on and off over the years. Now that I had hormones rushing through my veins, those images ran through my head and I felt myself getting hard once again. I touched the sticky mess I had made and raised my hand to my mouth. The smell was pungent and I wasn't sure at the time if I liked it or not. I wanted to know if it tasted and felt like porridge. I licked the sticky residue off my hand. The texture was silky and salty and I was surprised that my mind had thought of porridge in my dream compared to the real taste. I liked it.
Cleaning myself up, I showered and snuck into the garage. They were still in a box hidden behind the stack of dad's memorabilia of his days as a professional football player.
Dad had updated his porn from the last time I had seen it. Inside were DVDs as well as magazines. There was only one VHS video from what used to be a stash of ten. I snuck one of the DVDs out and hid it under my shirt, with the elastic of my pants holding it tight against my body. I retraced my steps and went back into my room. I had a lock on my door. It was the only concession dad had made, after mum's death, to let me know that he understood about the bullying I was getting from the twins when he was not looking.
My room was not like most young teens. I liked things tidy. I had a place for everything and made sure that it was kept like that. To me, my room was my sanctuary. It was the only thing I felt that I had any control over. So the neat rows of books along my shelf, the polished dresser tables, stacked p2 games, CDs and DVDs in their racks, the large yin and yang painting with my face in the background, which I had done in art class early in the year, along the back wall of my bed, was the order in the chaos I now called life.
Mum had been a new age believer and I now had two of her candelabra with scented candles in the two far corners of the room, and ylang ylang incense was wafting through the room as I lit the burner for it. Between the two candelabra were my TV, and DVD player, like they were being show cased.
Putting the DVD in I played the movie with the sound muted in case the others got up and wandered around.
My heart pounded with excitement at the thought of watching the fucking in motion instead of just in pictures like in magazines.
I watched as a girl who looked no older than 18 was sucking furiously on a guy's cock that looked huge compared to my own modest size. I watched as her throat stretched while she sucked the guy all the way down to the base of his cock. The camera cut to a face shot of the guy moaning, then back to the girl as she did it twice and then thrice. She built up a pace and would suck only half the cock fast and hard and then bob her head down to his pubes.
My own cock was hard and I started touching it as I watched. I paused for a second to hit the fast forward button, I had enough of watching sucking, and I wanted to see more. I pushed play and watched something I had never seen before in any of Dads magazines. The man had lined his cock up and was pushing it against the girl's asshole. My cock twitched.
Curious, I pulled my pants off completely. I touched my asshole with one finger while still holding onto my cock with the other. I shivered at the sensation. I wondered what it would feel like if a cock was pushing into my ass and an image of Kevin slipped into my head. My own cock grew harder at the thought, and I pushed my hand away from my cock. I watched the porn movie and saw how the girls' ass gripped and sucked in the guys cock. He pounded her hard and fast and my mouth salivated as I saw his balls tighten in his sacs and he pushed once more into her lifting her almost off the couch. I shoved my finger up my ass at the same time, and that was all it took, my cum exploded out of me and I couldn't help the groan that escaped.
I re-showered and sat in the lounge, scared. I had never really thought about sex with guys or even girls before. Now I had just wanked, thinking of a guy fucking me up the ass. Was I gay? Is that what everyone picked up on and why I got picked on by my siblings? Why I got uncomfortable looks from my father? Things became decidedly more uncomfortable when the person I had imagined fucking me walked through the door later in the day. My heart pounded and I felt like a lump of potatoes, staring at the ground as he walked up to me and said hello and asked how I was. I shrugged my shoulders, refusing to look at him. Leon came along, wrapped his arm around Kevin's shoulders, and told him there was a game of rugby being played with his name on it.
I trailed after them. I watched them move and play. While Kevin was with us, he seemed to be a soothing force on my brother, and there had been a few times he had deflected a lot of harassment Leon felt like giving me when he was playing the big man to his other friends. Leila was in love with Kevin and sighed over him each day. I refused to be another one of Kevin's lackeys who trailed after him, but my hormones and other parts of my body had other ideas.
- - - - - - - -
Over the next few years, Kevin managed to deflect many verbal blows directed my way and, with him in tow, things changed between my siblings and I. He was a natural leader; he orchestrated those around him even better than the twins, and I had thought none were as good as they were. If they used me as a butt for their jokes, he ignored them. And he would pay attention to me, excluding them from anything the rest of their friends were doing, making sure I was included in the fun.
The first time he did this, I felt out of place, but his antics and jokes had me in fits of laughter at the end of it. By then, Leila and Leon were willing to play nice. Kevin bade them apologise. It became a ritual that occured less frequently over time because making fun of me had lost its appeal to the two of them. I was a part of their little group. Although I was a quiet one, I was no longer looking from the outside in. Perhaps mum was still looking after me up there by bringing Kevin into our lives, because he was a godsend. Of that I was certain. It was also around this time I realised I was gay and that I was in love with Kevin.
I realised how false me being a part of the group really was when Kevin wasn't around. They didn't exclude me exactly, but it felt forced. Leon and Leila were second in command and they felt having a younger brother following around was an unpopular move. I got the hint.
- - - - - - - -
I never had many problems when it came to school. I had a nimble mind, so instead of being the athletes that the twins were and, obviously, the apples of my father's eye, I delved into another area: Academics. My English teacher, Ms. Shawl, was my favourite, and I thrived in her class. I was now sixteen, and she was putting on the school play for this year. It was her own version, based on the movie Sister Act combined with Sister Act 2. She encouraged me to participate. With her help and her support, I joined the choir. I loved to sing, but lacked the confidence to put myself forward. I very nearly fainted at my audition, but Ms. Shawl asked Mr. Fox, our music teacher, if I could have a private audition. With no faces there to stare at me, I put my CD on and closed my eyes. I let the lyrics of Josh Kelly's 'Home To Me' flow through my mind. I sang and let it float me on a cloud of my own making. When I finished, there was silence. I looked down at the wooden floors of the auditorium, not daring to look at Mr. Fox. The silence stretched and I began to tremble. Old fears and doubts assailed me, flashing by so fast that it left a bad taste in my mouth. I was ready to run out of the auditorium when I heard clapping. Lots of clapping.
Mr Fox was staring at me wide eyed with an amazed smile on his face, clapping with Kevin and six others I didn't recognise nor hear approach while I was singing. 'Why have you never been in my music class, James?' Mr. Fox asked in mock severity.
I didn't know what to say to that, and just shrugged my shoulders. Ms. Shawl came to the rescue; her eyes were beaming at me, and my heart lifted at the pride that was shinning there. 'So you think he is talented enough for a solo, Mr. Fox?'
My head jerked up and I stared at her in horror. So much for coming to my rescue; she was throwing me from the pot into the fire. Mr. Fox was too enthused to see the silent reprimand I was giving my English teacher. Her smile widened at my glare.
'I think James would make an amazing addition,' Mr. Fox concluded.
Kevin walked over towards us. His friends stayed back, but they eyed me speculatively. I scowled in his direction and turned back to Mr. Fox. Ms Shawl saw the little inter-play and had a wondering look upon her face.
'You were awesome, James. I didn't know you could sing.' Kevin said, as he came even with us.
I had to act normal; I think Ms Shawl suspected my feelings. 'It's nothing; my mum was musically talented, and I get it from her, not that I could hold a light to her,' I said, looking down. I always felt stupid around Kevin and wished I didn't sound so inane.
'That's the longest sentence I have ever heard you say,' Kevin said. Realising we had an audience, he blushed and put his hands in his pockets. 'Well, since I am playing Vince LaRocca,' I looked quizzically at him. 'He is the mobster guy that is the boyfriend to Whoopi Goldbergs character. Well, I just got told today, so I will see you at choir practise.' With a quick wave he bounded off the stage and walked up to his friends. I was surprised that Leon wasn't beside him, and grateful, because he would ridicule me when Kevin wasn't around, about me singing. I just knew it. Then I realised why he wasn't there. The others were some of the student actors rehearsing their parts. They had been back stage and heard me singing, and decided to see who it was.
'Be prepared James. I intend to see how far your voice range can go. There is a part I think you might be perfect for,' Mr Fox said, a gleam in his eye. I gulped and asked myself what I was getting into.
I told Dad and his girlfriend of two years that afternoon. Dad gave me a pat on the shoulder while Sara squealed and jumped up and down, hugging me. She was an up and coming actress. I knew she could never take the place of mum, but she made dad happy, so I tried to reign in my resentment of the situation and act civil. She was always so optimistic and happy, that most times I found her easy to get along with. Sometimes, like now, her enthusiasm annoyed me. Dad raised his eyebrows, faintly amused. I scowled over her shoulder at him. His amusement deepened. It seemed I was the funny bone for every adult today.
Kevin came in later. At 18 he wasn't as tall as Dad who was 6ft5, but he was still tall at 6ft2. He kissed Leila; they had been going steady for a year now. I had run to my room and bawled my eyes out when I was first told Now, I just clenched my teeth. She smiled and told him she had cheer squad practise, but she would be back later, so hang out here until then.
Dad gave him that manly hug where you shake hands and then bump shoulders. Dad never did that with me, and I always felt left out. But I pretended it never bothered me. One day that belief would stick.just not today.
Kevin came over to me, hugged me one handed, rubbed my head and smiled. He had been doing that for the last three years, and it was like he could read me when I felt lonely or sad. Right now I felt disconcerted. Craving his attention one moment, and then running from it the next. My dreams of him had not abated since reaching puberty; in fact they had increased.
Blood drained from my face and rushed to a lower region as I remembered a dream I had of Kevin earlier in the week. Shifting to hide my growing erection, I tried to think of something else. But my cock had a mind of its own and it rose to full glory. I blushed, pulled away from Kevin and walked away from the others quickly. I managed to get to the hallway towards my room when I felt a hand on my arm.
'Did I do something to upset you?' Kevin asked me quietly.
I looked down at my erection tenting my front and watched it pulse as his voice slid over me. I kept my back to him. I shook my head in the negative.
'Then why did you pull away from me and why have your back turned to me now?'
How could I tell him that it had taken me nearly four years to admit to myself, at least, that I was gay? Or that the scent of his cologne could drive me crazy. Or the way his voice could send shivers down my spine. I couldn't, so I did the next best thing. I tried to keep my distance as best as possible, I tried to ignore him.
His grip tightened on me and he swung me around to face him. The momentum caused my feet to trip and I careened into him. It was like hitting a wall. I bounced off his chest and would have fallen if he hadn't held onto me.
My erection rubbed against his upper thigh. It approved of the contact and hardened even more. I tried to pull my groin away from him but his hand cupped my butt and pushed me firmly into him. It was such an unexpected move that I gasped and looked into his eyes.
They were green pools of heat. My heart was a steady thumping in my chest. I opened my mouth to lick lips that had suddenly gone dry. He watched that movement like a cat would do to a canary. His eyes narrowed as the tip of my tongue stilled their movements, but remained peeking out through my lips. The tension was tangible between us. I slipped my tongue back into my mouth and Kevin growled as it disappeared. He lunged forward and kissed me. His tongue invaded my mouth and started playing with my own.
I think I stopped breathing for a second, because I pulled back from his kiss gasping, like I had run a race. My body was on fire, and he had some how manoeuvred me so that I was riding up and down on his thigh.
'Let's get to your room before someone sees us,' Kevin said in a hoarse voice. I just groaned and kept grinding myself into his thigh. He chuckled and half walked, half lifted me towards my room. I wasn't thinking, just feeling, and I didn't care who saw me. I kissed the column of his neck and smelt his cologne. He groaned as I swirled my tongue into his ear. I heard the lock on my door click shut, and I was lifted into the air. I wrapped my legs around his waist and kissed him. He held me, and kissed me back, as I felt the bed beneath me contour to my back.
I pulled at his t shirt, wanting to touch bare skin. He felt hot to the touch and as smooth as silk under my fingers. I trailed nails up and down his back and he shivered. He lifted himself off me and took his t shirt off completely. 'Take your shirt off,' he said to me.
Something overcame me and spilled out of my mouth. 'Take your pants off, and we have a deal.' I had never been this forward and the adrenalin rush of what I was saying made me lift my eyebrow in challenge.
The look on his face was satisfying, I couldn't help but smile. It was one of lust, surprise and a promise that I would pay later. It made me shiver.
He looked at me with hot eyes as he stood up and unbuckled his belt and slid his pants down his body. Slow and deliberate. He was wearing boxers, and I could see the circumcised head poking through the slit of his boxers. It was hard and a slight amount of pre-cum covered the tip.
I must have made a noise, because he smiled at me, told me to hush, and started playing with the pre-cum on the end of his cock. Sliding it up and over the head making sure his gland was wet with it, he raised some of the pre-cum to his mouth and licked slowly. I started to sit up towards him and he held his hand out to keep me back. 'Take all your clothes off James,' he said. There was a slight hitch in his voice, and it was thready with need. I could only swallow, nod, and do what he said.
He closed the distance between us and started kissing me as I shucked the last of my clothing off. The edge of my bed hit the back of my knees and I sat down, at eye level with his cock. The mushroom head was a glistening pink and I licked my tongue over his slit. He shuddered above me. I alternated between licking his slit and kissing it.
'Stop playing with it,' he said in a growl. I looked up at him with a saucy smile, kissed it once more and then slid it inside my mouth. It felt like smooth velvet, but with steel underneath the skin. I loved the sensation of him in my mouth and sucked until I felt him at the back of my throat. I tried to push him further, but I started gagging. 'Take it easy baby, this aint a competition,' he said, his hands smoothing my hair around my face. He pulled out of my mouth and told me to put my head on the edge of the bed directly underneath his hanging balls. I complied promptly. He directed his cock into my mouth from this angle and I opened my mouth obligingly.
He made me gasp and pushed his cock further down my throat as I felt him sucking my cock for the first time. It was amazing. The warmth and suction of his mouth had me blowing my load five minutes later. I pushed his cock down my throat to smother my moans as I felt the most intense orgasm overcome me. A few heartbeats later I tasted his seed shooting at the back of my throat. I swallowed convulsively and kept up the motion as he jetted into me six or seven times. It was salty, warm, and smooth as cream. He lifted off me, and twisted around so we were face to face. Kissing me, I tasted myself in his mouth and moaned as we duelled tongues.
- - - - - - - -
Reality hit. I was afraid to find out what my sister would do if she ever found out what we had done. I couldn't believe that I had just sucked off the guy I had been dreaming about since I was 12. It was surreal, and I just couldn't get my head around it.
'I thought you were straight,' I said, perplexed.
He smiled down at me. 'If you had looked up at my face instead of down at your own feet a few times, then you would have noticed a lot earlier than this that I was totally hot for you. Besides, you were still a kid and I just couldn't get my head around the idea that I was lusting after a kid.'
I wasn't to be so easily pacified. I know I didn't really have any gaydar. In fact, as far as I knew, I was the only kid in high school that was gay. And to find out that one of the best all around students at our school could also bat for the other side? I was confused, and I wanted a bit more clarity. The emotions I was barely keeping in check wanted me to not look too closely at what we were doing. If I gave him my heart, and now my body, with all that was in me, I knew I would never be able to pull myself back from the brink of no return if he decided this was only fun and games. I craved more. No, I needed more.
'I am only two years younger than you,' I said indignantly, 'besides, what about my sister?'
He rolled us onto our sides holding me possessively with on arm draped over me, and the other under my head.
He took a deep breath and seemed to think about what he was going to say next. I lay there waiting. 'I had to prove to myself that I could do the normal thing with a girl. The lie was made easier, because she was your sister.' Putting his chin on top of my head he continued. 'We've got to keep this quiet for the meantime; I don't think anyone would understand.'
I nodded my head in agreement. I was in love, and at that moment nothing could hurt me. I was worried that we had taken too long, and that Leon or Leila would come looking for Kevin. He reassured me that it was fine. Leon was at baseball practise. Kevin was in his last year of high school and he had too many assignments due for him to take on any more school team sports. Leila wouldn't be home for another half hour from cheer squad. Dad never came down towards my end of the house, so we were safe for now.
'One last thing,' I said. 'If you want to get serious with me, then you will have to stop seeing Leila.'
'Give me a week; I have to break it to her slowly.'
My world was complete.