It was the start of our first official day in Spain. We had arrived yesterday and had, and eventful day. I was still tired and sore. I lay by the pool, listening to the calming sound of the water, enjoying the sun beating down upon my nearly naked body. It was only 11 in the morning but it was already warm enough to get a little tan. I got up to take a look around for Alex, he hadn't come down from the hotel room yet.

I looked forward to seeing him in his beach shorts. Suddenly I felt a forceful shove on my back and the next thing I knew I was in the water, I swam up to the surface and rubbed to water from my eyes. I looked up to find a very satisfied Alex staring back down at me with his arms folded. "I hate you." I laughed.

"No you don't, you love me." He argued with a cheeky tone to his voice. "How's the water?"

I smiled at him like some cheesy idiot completely in love, which I was to be fair. "The water is nice." I leaned back and let myself float on the surface of the water. "You should come join me, although I am enjoying the view of looking up your shorts."

Alex immediately adjusted his shorts and blushed a little, he was cute when he was embarrassed. He took a step back and dived in over my head. He came up to the surface and put his arms around, I felt his body float up until it was under mine, we floated their, our bodies in complete contact. I liked the feel of the water against my skin, it provided come cooling relief from the scorching sun.

This felt like heaven, having Alex here, it was a dream come true, sometimes I still couldn't believe all that had happened, how I'd found out he was gay, that we were together, in love, my life couldn't be any more perfect. "I love you Alex Johnson". I whispered. "I love you too Daniel" He whispered back. I opened my eyes and looked up at the bright blue sky. "Alex, I need to ask you something, and you have to tell me the truth." We didn't change position, we just kept floating together.

"Ok". Was all Alex said.

"When you were fucking Marco, was it better than when you do it with me? I mean you really looked like you were enjoying it?" I'm sure he could sense the fear in my voice.

"Danny, I love you more than anything, I'd do anything for you, give up anything for you. I just thought including Marco would be fun. I didn't mean for you to get hurt. Nobody can compare to you, I'm in love with you, and only you, ok?" I felt a little better hearing that. "Ok?" Alex repeated.

"Yeah. It's just, sometimes I feel like the luckiest man alive, because I have you. Then I realise, you're way out of my league, why did you settle for me?"

"Danny, I don't understand where this is coming from. You shouldn't feel that way. I don't want you to feel like that. I didn't settle for you, you're the best man I could hope for. You made me realise I didn't care I was gay, I was happy because it meant I got to be with you. You're beautiful in every way to me, inside and out." Alex's voice was so calming, I believed every word he said.

We spent most of the day messing around, swimming and sun bathing. I wished I could stay here forever. I was in the pool when Alex called me. "Danny, I'm gonna go have a look round the shops for a little while, I'll be back soon. I just nodded at him and climbed out of the pool to get dried of. I watched him walk away, he'd gotten changed into some nice clothes, too nice for going shopping.

I wondered why he didn't ask me to go with him. A few minutes later I noticed Marco walking past the pool and leaving the hotel, he wasn't in his uniform. I didn't think about it anymore and went back to my sun lounger to read a little. I'd been reading for about ten minutes when a volleyball knocked the book out of my hand and onto the ground. "Shit." I exclaimed accidentally, the ball had surprised and scared me. I lifted the ball and took a look around, trying to see who it belonged to. A man my age ran up to me, looking pretty red in the face.

"I'm really sorry, that was an accident." I just laughed.

"It's ok, accidents happen." I smiled at him and held out my hand, "I'm Danny."

He looked at me for a second before smiling at me and relaxing a little. "Nice to meet you Danny, my name's Lewis, you want to come play with us?" He had a British accent but I wasn't sure whereabouts he was from. I looked over to the direction in which he had nodded. There was a group of about seven guys there, all in pretty good shape. I had to admit, Lewis was pretty hot.

He was slim, not built like Alex. He had black hair and blue eyes and pale skin. If I was single I would have been attracted to him. His eyes did remind me of Alex's. I played volley ball with them in the pool for a little while before heading back up to our hotel room Lewis told me what room they were staying in. Alex still wasn't back and it had been at least an hour.

I took of my wet shorts and put on some dry ones. I heard the door open behind me and saw Alex stepping through, his face was completely red, it looked like he'd been burned. "Jesus Alex where have you been?" He just smiled and walked past me. "I told you I was going to look round the shops, I've only been gone for like an hour, chill out." I didn't know what to say to him, so I said nothing, I just glared at him. "Whatever." I muttered under my breath.

We got dressed and went out for dinner, we were pretty much silent the whole time. Alex kept disappearing through the holiday, I soon realized it was always with Marco. I wasn't stupid, I knew what was happening, but I couldn't admit it to myself. I'd spent most of my time with Lewis while Alex was away, obviously shagging the Spanish slut. I couldn't look at either of them. I felt like shit, my fairytale was over, I'd been dumped for someone, hotter, fitter, someone better. I realized that I couldn't let Alex go without a fight.

One Friday night he wanted to go out for dinner, but I said I had something else in mind. I started to take of his clothes, I was sitting on top of him, he half smiled and lay there, obviously uncomfortable. I stopped kissing and undressing him, "Is something wrong?" I didn't even have to ask, normally he would be panting by now, his eyes shining with excitement, his dick would be rock hard.

Not this time, his eyes were burned out, he looked tired, fed up, and his dick hadn't even twitched. He didn't even touch me, he just lay there with his arms at his sides. "Nothing's wrong." Alex studdered, not his normal calm and soothing voice, he was lying to me. "I'm just tired, that's all." I tried to smile at him weakly. I climbed of him feeling embarrassed and unwanted. "You get some rest, I'm going for a walk." I tried to hide the obvious pain in my voice and fought back the tears.

I left the room and began sobbing, I wiped my eyes and headed for Lewis' room. I knocked and he answered almost instantly, wearing wet swimming shorts, he'd obviously just left the pool. "What's up Dan?" I sniffed and wiped my eyes. "Can I come in?" I pleaded. "Of course?" Replied Lewis as he put his hand on my shoulder. He closed the door behind me. I explained everything, about the threesome, and now how Alex preferred Marco and they were obviously having an affair. "They're probably laughing at me Lewis" I was sitting on Lewis' bed, his arm was around and I sobbed quietly into his chest.

He rubbed my arm gently, his touch was slightly comforting. "I'm sure that's not right. You're a good guy, and a hot one too." I parted from his chest to look at him while we spoke. "I thought you were straight?" I was beginning to question my relationship with Lewis. He stared at me for a moment. "I pretty much am, but why limit yourself to guys or girls?" He seemed so laidback. I didn't need to hear anymore.

I leaned forward and before he could say anything I kissed him. He didn't push me away, in fact soon I felt his tongue confidently enter my mouth. It felt amazing, I wasn't going to let Alex hurt me, I was turning the tables. I broke the kiss with Lewis leaving him a little shocked since I had started it. "I need you Lewis, I need to taste your cock, have it inside me." Lewis stared at me blankly for a second. "If you're sure." I turned my attention to removing Lewis' shorts and didn't bother answering.

His cock was beautiful, he was uncut, it was the firs time I'd seen a guy with foreskin. His dick curved upwards and I couldn't wait to feel it inside me. I took him in my mouth and sucked furiously, determined to prove to myself that I was worth something. I heard Lewis speak. "Fuck Danny stop, I'm gonna fuck you right now".

And that's what he did, he fucked me roughly.

I got dressed and kissed him before leaving. I returned to my room and Alex was waiting for me, he seemed in a better mood than earlier. He was wearing his favourite shirt and cream shorts. I said nothing as I entered. "Danny we need to talk." I took a deep breath before paying him some attention, I knew what was coming and I was ready. "You know I love you, but I've been distant recently, and I know you've noticed. It's just that, now I feel like I'm ready to tell you. You deserve to know the truth." Alex stopped and took a deep breath, he looked like he was about to faint.

"Danny, you make me so happy, and I will never stop loving you for as long as I live. So will you marry me?" He pulled out a small velvet box from his pocket as he got down on one knee in front of me. He looked up at me with his eyes open wide and he looked more nervous than I'd ever seen him. I felt like the world was crumbling, I couldn't see or hear anything. I felt sick. He hadn't been cheating, he'd been trying to find a ring, trying to build up the courage to propose. I lost control of myself, I hated myself in that moment. "I cheated on you."

The words left my mouth without me thinking, I just said it, without even meaning to. Alex just stayed on one knee, looking up at me, he was in disbelief. "What?" He was smiling nervously, trying to pretend this was a joke. I felt my eyes fill with tears. "I'm so sorry, this isn't..." Alex bowed his head and his arms fell to his sides, the ring and simply fell to the floor. I didn't know what to say, I'd broken the heart of the man I loved more than anyone.

Alex slowly got up and looked at me. His gorgeous blue eyes were flooding with tears and his lips were shaking. He looked crushed, he was like a lost child, not the strong man I knew. "I have to go." He whimpered. "Go where?" I shouted after him "Away from you." Is all he could manage to whisper. I watched him as he left, again. He ran out of the apartment, I chased him, but he was faster than me.

I just kept running after him. He ran past the pool, past Marco, who looked confused and worried. Alex sprinted out of reception and outside the hotel. "ALEX STOP!!!" I screamed but my words were too little too late. Alex kept running onto the road and was sent hurtling to the ground by an oncoming car. It was the most horrifying thing I'd ever seen, the impact sent him flying for about 5 metres.

The sound of the metal impacting with his flesh, the horrific sound of his bones shattering and his helpless, vulnerable body hitting the ground. I stood still, before sinking to the ground, I sat with my head in my hands. And then I heard it, someone said the words I feared most. "He's dead".

SIX MONTHS LATER Alex died three times that night, the doctors resuscitated him every time. It was the worst night of my life. I still have nightmares about it, I wake up, barely able to breathe, covered in sweat. As soon as I heard from a doctor that he was going to be ok, I went back to our apartment in New York and packed my things. I had nowhere to go, Alex wouldn't want me and I hadn't spoken to my parents since I came out.

I did the only thing I could, I rang Jack. We've been living together for four months now. I haven't spoken to Alex. He convinced me we could make a relationship work, I had no choice so I went with it. When he have sex I picture Alex and hope it's over soon. I still lived in New York, with Jack, but I never saw Alex, I often wondered how he'd react if we saw each other in the street one day.

Sometimes I walk past our apartment building, hoping I'll see him. I don't have the courage to go in, security probably wouldn't let me anyway. Jack says I'm not allowed to get a job. His excuse is that he wants to look after me. However I think it's because he likes to keep me under his control. I'm not happy, but this is my fault, so I deserve to be stuck in this pathetic thing, not even a relationship.

Jack came home from work at six most days. Until then I was stuck in the apartment, alone. He came through the door and threw his brief case down on the kitchen table. "Hi honey." He stated as he kissed me on the cheek. I just faked a smile and said nothing. He walked behind and placed his hands on my shoulders. He began massaging me. "How was your day?" He asked, not that he really cared.

"The usual, television, eating, laptop." The monotony of this life had really hit me. I was stuck in a rut, no friends, no social life, nothing. My voice was robotic, there was no happiness left in me. "Come on baby, show me a little love." Jack tightened his grip on my shoulders, and moved his hands slowly towards my neck. He dug his fingers into my skin, making me extremely uncomfortable. "You're hurting me Jack".

"I know." He stated menacingly.

"I have to go to the toilet." I said before getting up and quickly walking away from him. I locked the door and slid down the door so I was sitting on the floor, I crossed my arms and buried my head in my lap. I began to cry quietly. My life was a fucking mess, how could I have let this happen. The scene returned to haunt me ,the moment when the car connected with Alex, hearing those awful words, seeing him just lying there, reduced to nothing. I wondered how he was.

I was brought back to reality by a knock at the door. It was Jack of course. "Daniel, are you ok?" He had to keep me near him at all times, I wasn't to be trusted. I gathered up a little nerve and replied. "I'll be out in a minute." I got up and looked in the mirror. Alex was standing behind me. He had his arms around me, I felt his heart beating through his shirt.

He told me to be strong, and that he loved me. I blinked and he was gone. I took my pill jar down from the cabinet and took two pills from it before putting it back, I flushed them down the toilet. I couldn't trust that Jack was giving me the right medication.

I left the bathroom and lay down in bed. I quickly fell asleep. When I woke I was at home. In my bedroom in my parents house, the place I grew up. My posters of New York were still on the wall, untouched. I heard something at the door, I turned and was so happy to see Alex, his blonde hair, blue eyes and strong arms. He smiled and me and walked towards me.

He just hugged me and kissed my forehead. When he stopped hugging me we were in our apartment in New York, I felt like he'd just fucked me. I rolled over and found myself in the swimming pool in Spain. I looked around for Alex and found him looking down at me from the steps into the pool. I blinked and found myself back in bed. Jack was watching me sleep. I sat up and put on my shoes. I turned to Jack "I'm going for a walk." I left the room and heard him shout "Don't be long Daniel". I sighed and left the building. I didn't know where I was going, I just walked.

In fact, I did know, I was walking towards my apartment, to the place where Alex probably still lived. I stood outside the tall building I used to call home. "Fuck it" I said out loud. I walked up the steps and said hello to the doorman I walked inside, I climbed the stairs. All too soon I was in the hall which was home to our apartment, I froze and stepped behind a corner when I saw the door to his apartment opening. A young, handsome man stepped out. He had brown hair and green eyes, he was quite tall and looked decently well built, he obviously worked out. I heard Alex's voice "See you later." My heart sank, Alex had a new boyfriend. I waited until the stranger left and stepped out from behind my corner, too soon.

Alex was still standing there. His jaw dropped when he saw me. "Daniel." Was the only word which escaped my perfect lips. Alex had changed, his hair was longer, it was swept to one side, and he'd grown some stubble, he looked grown up in a way. I had to think of an excuse to be here. "I still have some stuff to pick up." I said quickly and nervously.

"Yeah, I have it in a bag, come in." I stepped in and felt a great sense of nostalgia. This used to be my home, it was a place full of love, not anymore. Alex returned from the bedroom with a small black bag. He handed it to me and smiled. I took it from him. "Thanks". I began to turn around to leave when he stopped me. "How've you been?" It felt good to hear his voice. "I'm good, you?" I lied, I was a fucking mess. "I'm great, you're looking good." Alex said, I wasn't sure how he could think that, I was a mess. "I'm glad we've both moved on." I put on my worst fake smile. Alex looked surprised and embarrassed.

"You saw Jake leaving huh? Yeah, I'm glad we moved on, we're both happy." A single tear rolled down my cheek, Alex just looked at me, he didn't touch me, or comfort me at all. "You should probably go." He stated bluntly. I walked out the door and was a second away from closing it when I heard Alex call me back. I wasn't sure I could face him again without breaking down but I wanted to see him so I opened to door and looked at him, despite my eyes being full of tears. I couldn't speak. Alex stared at me, I knew he was trying to decide what to say.

"Can I have one last hug?" I dropped the bag and walked towards him. He pulled me close to him forcefully and held me tight. "Aghh" I winced in pain. Alex stepped back in horror. "Danny what's wrong?" I just stood there embarrassed, crying and holding my back with my hand. Alex asked me to turn around. "No I'm fine." I protested. I sensed a change in Alex. "Danny, turn around now." He said in a strict tone. I did as he said. Slowly he lifted my t shirt, I waited for his reaction. "What the fuck, who did this?" Alex sounded horrified. I collapsed to the floor and rocked back and forward.

Alex crouched down and patted me on the back, he did it gently as if I was a mouse. "Danny, why are you covered in bruises, who did this?" Alex kept interrogating me. "It's Jack." I finally admitted. "I've been staying with him." Alex sat in silence for a minute. "Why would you go back to him. Do you love him? Was the affair with him?" Alex sounded hurt and angry. "No, no, no. I had nowhere else to go. You hated me." I broke down and felt pathetic. Alex gasped. "I didn't hate you. I was crushed, but I made you a promise, that I'd never stop loving you, and I haven't." I looked up at him with a new found hope.

"What about Jake, the guy that just left before I came in?" Alex chuckled. "Jake is my friend, I haven't been with anyone else since you." Alex kissed me on the cheek. "Ok Danny, I'm going to make things better I promise, you're not going back to him, ever." I had never felt so happy. There was a knock at the door. Alex's head turned quickly, "Wait here, I'll be right back."

He got up and I heard him open the door, there was a thump and a bang. I got up and couldn't see Alex, I saw only his foot, he was lying on the ground. Jack stood in the open door. I immediately fell to Alex's side and pleaded with him to wake up.

" BREAKING NEWS, we are live from Staten Island where a fire has broken out in one of the penthouses of the five star Olympus Hotel. It is not yet known what caused the blaze and whether or not it was intentional. However, at this moment we can confirm that of three victims, all male, two are alive but with critical wounds and the other has been confirmed dead at the scene. The name of the deceased is....


"They say that time heals all wounds, time is the greatest healer of all, but to be honest I'm not sure I agree. There are certain things that time can't change, against these things time is completely and utterly powerless. Love is one of those things. If you fall in love with someone, even if just for one moment, time can never change that, love is undying." Our apartment had been destroyed, nothing remained. All I had left was my memories. I'll never forget that night, the first night I can face to face with death, it still remember exactly how I felt when death entered the room. It went from being something I feared, something invisible, to being in the same room as me. Everything felt meaningless, cold. The room was freezing despite the ferocious flames that consumed everything in their path.

My name is Daniel, but most people call me Danny or Dan. I've fallen in love, had my heart broken and fixed again. I've lived in London and New York, I came back to London in the end. I came back to the place where I grew up, where I met the first love of my life, his name was Alex. It was a real life fairy tale, I was nobody and he was a prince, but he fell for me. My parents were the villains in this story, they disowned me, wanted nothing to do with me.

When I returned to my hometown I quickly discovered that they'd both died. My best friends Kevin and Olivia were married with kids, they'd moved to a quiet suburb to raise their own family. When I was little I found out I was bipolar, it's a mental illness, basically my brain is fucked up. That didn't matter to Alex, he was the type of guy that saw through flaws in other people, his amazing blue eyes could only focus on the good things in those that surrounded him, he truly was an angel, my angel.

I put the cap back on my pen and closed my journal, I felt that was good enough for a first page. I got up off the park bench and stretched. "Jack!" I called out. "It's time to go." Jack came running towards be with a huge smile on his face. Without me having to say a single word he held out his hand and I took it in mine, locking his fingers with mine tightly yet gently. We walked home at a leisurely pace on this warm, sunny day, we took care not to step on the cracks in the pavement. When we finally arrived home after a journey which would have been a lot faster if we'd walked normally instead of wandering Jack ran upstairs. I heard a relieved voice come from the kitchen. "Finally you're home, I was getting worried."

I set down my journal and entered the kitchen, kissing the man who had obviously been worried about me. "You should know to trust me by now." I whispered in his ear I kissed him again and he smiled. "I do trust you, I just miss you when you're not here. Even after all these years I still can't get enough of you Danny."

I wrapped my arms around this amazing man and pressed my body against his. "I can't get enough of you either Alex."

Alex and I had adopted a little boy, we knew the moment we saw him that we would love with all our heart and protect him with all our strength. We decided to name him Jack. At first Alex thought it was a bad idea, he didn't want this innocent child to bring back bad memories, or worse still, he lamented the idea that this boy would have the same destiny as the man he was named after. I on the other hand disagreed, Jack lit the fire in our apartment that night, and it was that decision, that action which resulted in his own death. Jack had loved me but his jealousy of Alex was stronger, it consumed him and that burning hatred eventually killed him. However despite that, he'd been a doctor, he healed people, there was good deep inside that poor, corrupt man.

That night, Alex and I went for dinner, we found a babysitter for Jack. Jack loved to meet new people, he'd show them his games, sing them songs, ask them lots of questions, so he was thrilled to discover we were going out for the night. After dinner Alex suggested we went for a walk. We ended up outside his old house, his parents had sold the house and moved to a small tropical Island, where they'd enjoy the rest of their lives relaxing in the sun. Nowadays the house was unoccupied, nobody lived here. Alex climbed over the gate which sealed the driveway leading up to the house. I laughed at him but he simply instructed me to follow.

He helped me over the tall gate. All the years which had passed hadn't tired him at all, he was still as fit and athletic as the day when we shared our first encounter, when I bumped into him and dropped my books. He led me towards the house by my hand, we got to the door and to my surprise he pulled a key from his pocket. I laughed "You seriously shouldn't have that anymore."

Alex simply smiled at me mischievously. "Why not, this used to be my house?"

Alex now guided me to the room that used to be his. I felt like a teenager again, despite being 31. Even though the walls were plain and bare with nothing on them and the room was empty apart from a bed and some candles around the room. "What's going on, why are we here?" Surprised always made me nervous. And considering I had no idea what was going on, I felt sick with nerves.

Alex held both my hands and looked me in the eye closely. "You remember this room


"Of course I do, this was your room." I kept staring at him, waiting for some sort of explanation as to why he had brought me here.

"This bed, right here, is where we first made love." I glanced towards the bed quickly before Alex continued talking. "This room isn't just a room. It's where our love really started. This is the room where I held you and played with your hair when you fell asleep, the room where we play wrestled then kissed and held each other." Alex took a deep breath and swallowed. "It's the room where we first saw each other's naked bodies, we revealed every inch of our bodies to each other, then lost our virginity together." Alex never stopped smiling throughout his whole speech. "This room is full of memories, and I want to make another one. Alex suddenly let go of my hands and crouched down on one knee. He pulled a small velvet box from his pocket and looked up at me, only the moonlight illuminated the memory filled room. I felt tears being to form in my eyes, I'd lost count of the amount of times I'd cried in my life so far.

"Danny, my heart is yours, I've fallen so deeply in love with you that I'm honestly lost without you. I never thought I could feel this way towards another person. I have to be honest with you, I was always so scared to talk to you that, well that day I bumped into you on purpose so that I could pick your stuff up for you. I didn't think it would work but here we are. I know we've had our problems but we always got through them together. So I promise, that if you let me, I'll spend every day for the rest of my life making sure you are happy, and that nobody can every hurt you¸ I'll protect you from anything and everything.

Alex reached up and gripped by hand and opened the little velvet box to reveal a gold engagement ring. "Danny, will you marry me?"

I reached down and pulled Alex to his feet before pushing him onto the bed and climbing on top of him. I kissed him gently on the lips and whispered "Yes." A sigh of relief escaped Alex's lips and instinctively we ripped off each other's clothes. Alex made love to me in so many positions. We took turns fucking each other, missionary, on our knees, riding each other, standing, it seemed to never end. By the end of the night we were both exhausted, we'd both shot every last drop of cum we had. Alex had fucked me just like he had that very first time, like a horny, hormonal sex crazed eighteen year old.

Nobody else could make me this happy, lying in his arms I felt like nothing could ever hurt me, like the world could end and it wouldn't matter. Alex kept his promise, because during our marriage I've been happy every day and he has never let anything hurt me. Anyway, that'll have to be the end of my journal entry for today, Jack is bringing his boyfriend over for dinner. At sixteen years of age Jack came out to us as gay, and I've never been more proud in my entire life than I was in that moment. I sometimes wonder about what Jack gets up to with his boyfriend, but that's their story, not mine.


Jason Smyth

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