There was no doubt in my mind, nor his I believe, when I dropped my son off at the Strand at Coronado, California, that he would become a Navy SEAL. He said he wanted to follow in my footsteps; I was confident that he would out-step my footsteps. He thanked me and I told him to call me.
We talked only twice during his training. The first time he could barely contain his excitement as he described how my description of the training hadn't come close. I told him every man handles training in his own way.
The second time we talked he sounded more matter-of-fact, even tired, but the determination was still there. It was a short conversation that time. He said he couldn't tell me anything I didn't already know. He could, for I was eager to hear about what he was doing but I didn't press it. The next time he called it was THE call, and short and sweet.
"Dad, I made it. Come pick me up."
"I'm on my way."
I have to say, getting that call made me one proud dad. When I pulled up he was sitting Indian style, his head down like he was in deep contemplation. There were a dozen more young SEALs sprawled out on the ground, dead asleep. He sensed my presence and lifted his head slowly and a weak smile came across his face. His lips were swollen and cracked, his face scratched, with some bruises, his hands were cut and bruised. I'd never seen him look more handsome. As he began to unfold himself my first instinct as a father was to get out and help him into the car. But that would be humiliating and embarrassing. And after what he'd been though he sure as hell didn't need my help. That moment, when he gathered his strength and got to his feet and came to the car, I knew absolutely that he was and would forever be his own man. He got in, muttered "thanks" then lay back in the seat and went to sleep. My smile wouldn't go away.
I got him in the house and up the stairs to his room. My thought was, he would shower then get in bed. I got it backwards. He got to the bed and fell across it, out to the world. I took off his boots and socks, gingerly I might add, then lifted his legs onto the bed. I was so damned proud my eyes got wet. I sat in the big rattan chair for a long time just watching him sleep, and retraced his growing up.
I checked on him a couple of times and he hadn't moved. It was after 7:00 the next morning when I heard the shower running. I went up. He still looked like hell but he was more his old self. I should say his new self for the boy I'd dropped off was gone forever. What he was he would never be again.
I was struck when he peeled off his dirty T-shirt. He had more bruises and cuts but I didn't say anything. I'd been there....they were to be worn like a badge of honor....but it was hard to take as a father. It made it easier only because I had taken the same path.
I took his clothes as he took them off. When he had his shorts off he said, "You don't wanta touch these" but I reached for them.
"Give 'em to me, if I can't get them clean I'll burn them."
Naked, he glanced in the mirror at himself. "Geezusss," he said softly, shaking his head.
"You've hardened up," I said.
"Yeah, but not where it counts," he said, laughing. "I can't remember the last time I got a hardon."
I knew that feeling, too. There were no leaves, no overnight passes, not a minute to yourselves. Every minute of your days and nights were devoted to training. Sex in all its forms was a distant dream.
"Don't worry, it'll come," I said. I was pleased that he felt at ease talking like that to me. I went down and put his clothes in the washer on pre-wash then set about making breakfast. The shower never stopped and I wondered if there would be enough hot water for the washer. I wondered if he'd gone back to sleep standing up in the shower.
I made four eggs, bacon, toast, four slices with butter, two with peanut butter and jelly, and a bowl of cold mandarin oranges, an iced tea glass of milk over ice, and orange juice. I poured a cup of coffee for myself.
I started to set the table but on a whim, when I heard the shower shut off, I grabbed the large bamboo tray from atop the china cabinet and placed everything on it. Upstairs, I was half way down the hallway when I heard his phone ring. I slowed my pace, not wanting to intrude on a private call, but I still overheard bits and pieces.
"Yeah, everybody was worried. I mean, what good is being a SEAL if you can't raise a hardon....Yeah, we'll get together. Thanks for checking in....Call me later.
I went on into his room with the stray. "Room service."
"You didn't have to do that, Dad."
"Don't get used to it," I said. He was drying off, admiring himself in the mirror.
I'd been there, too; it took a while to get used to the physical transformation. He turned then when I spoke and I saw that it wasn't just his overall physical change. He had a lot to be proud of; a good nine inches standing tall. I felt a surge of pride myself.
"Told you it'd come back," I said as I set the tray on the wicker chest at the foot of the bed.
"Had me worried, though," he said laughing
I laughed, openly eyeing his impressive manhood. "It's the ladies that should be worried now," I joked.
He tossed the towel aside and took another look in the mirror then picked up a pair shorts. He stared to put them on but then tossed them aside. "Not much sense putting those on in this condition," he said as he took the other wicker chair closest to the trunk.
"Don't expect that condition to dissipate any time soon," I joked
"Did you have that problem, Dad?"
"Yes, but I never considered it a problem. Maybe because the instructor told us it was normal, that we would emerge with everything in working order. I heard you say you would be getting together....what're your plans?"
"I thought we'd hang out at McCall's for a while, if you don't have anything better to do."
I was surprised he meant me, not his buddy. "I thought you'd be hanging out with your buddies. They're not going to want me tagging along."
"Dad, you should know, a SEAL never tags along," he said. "I wanta swing by and see McCullem in the hospital first."
"What happened to McCullem?"
"Busted up his leg on the rock piles. I hate it. We were swim buddies and now he has to recycle."
"Will he?" I asked.
"Oh, damn right. They would have to take his leg off to keep him from becoming a SEAL."
"By the time he'd finished eating, his cock still hadn't gone down.
"Maybe you need to recycle in a cold shower," I joked. "Or I could get a bucket of ice water for you to dunk it in."
"Naw, it's got a right to show off," he said, and started getting dressed.
"You know, Son, I'm sure you haven't forgotten how to take care of that," I said. He ignored me.
We went to see his swim buddy, Tim McCullem, first. He was even better looking than my son and from his exposed upper body, as well built. His smile when he walked in lit up the room. He introduced us.
McCullem didn't say anything for a moment, just looked down at my feet. I looked down too, wondering what he was looking at, if I'd tracked something in, then I looked back up at him.
"Just checking your shoes to see if they were wet," he said.
"Why would my feet be wet?"
"He said you walked on water."
He looked embarrassed and I was too, but we both ignored it.
"I hate this," he said motioning to Tim's leg.
"No more than I do," Tim said. "But hey, what's one more little inconvenience?"
"When will you be getting out of here?"
"Sooner than they think," Tim replied.
"Make sure you're one hundred percent. They're not going to cut you any slack."
"Wouldn't expect them to."
"We're going to McCalls, we'll raise one to your speedy recovery," I said.
"And I'll bang one for you," Ryan said.
"Let your dad do it, he'll probably do a better job."
"I wouldn't doubt that," Ryan said.
"Some guys are going to try to sneak somebody in," Tim said. "If that doesn't work Justin here said he'd take care of me."
We looked over at the guy in the next bed.
"Damn, McCullum, I've told you not to tell anybody," he whined.
I loved the way they gave each other shit. It rang so familiar.
We left and headed for McCalls. Ryan was surprised that my mug was still there and that the bartender, Carter, reached for it without a word being spoken and drew my brand. Ryan didn't have a mug yet.
I introduced them.
"Give me your ID," Carter said.
Ryan pulled out his ID and laid it on the bar. Carter took it and headed for the back. Several minutes later he came out with a mug with our last name on it and the initial "R" to distinguish it from mine. He drew it full of my brand and slid it across the bar.
"You wanta change brands, let me know, but your first one's the same as your dad's, on the house."
Ryan was so proud he was about to bust. I was too.
"Hey, Dad, have you ever heard of a place called Mojo's?" I laughed. "You have! Where is it? What is it?"
I looked around then said, "We'd better take this to a booth."
We moved to a booth at the window in the front of the bar.
"It's not a place," I said quietly. "Mojo's a guy."
"So why would they tell us to stay away from this guy? Did you ever meet him?"
"And you're smiling for what reason?"
"Look, if they told you guys to stay away, it's a story I don't think you need to hear."
"Come on, Dad, I'm a SEAL for chrissakes."
"So was Mojo."
"Why the hell would they tell us to stay away from another SEAL? Was he a mascot or something? Like a panther, or a horse?"
"You could say that," I said in a measured tone.
"This is suddenly getting interesting. You said you met him. So tell me."
I was hesitant but I saw the expectant look on Ryan's face and like he said, he was a SEAL, and he would find out eventually.
"Mojo wasn't his real name. Mojo was short for Mother Jo, or Josephine, depending on the day of the week."
"Yeah, go on," he said anxiously. "You met him."
"I was single, thirty, me and this new guy were having a drink at McCall's and just like you, he asked me about Mojo."
"So this Mojo is something of a tradition," Ryan put in.
"You could say that. Anyway, I put him off, but he was persistent. We had another beer and he was getting a buzz and so was I, and next thing we're in a cab heading for Mojo's. He thought it was a bar. So did I for that matter. I mean, I'd only heard the name but I was shipped out right away so I never had a chance to check out the mysterious Mojo. The cabbie pulled down an alley and let us off at the back door of this house. We went up and knocked on the door but nobody came. We knocked again, waited and was about to take off when the door opened and there was this giant of a man. I mean, he filled the doorway. About 6-4, easily 250 pounds. I mean filled the doorway." I paused and leaned across to him. "I'm telling you this story with the understanding that won't ever tell a soul. I mean nobody, ever."
"You've got my word," he said.
"I thought the new guy was gonna jump off the porch but when he saw me stand my ground so did he. I asked the guy if he could tell us where to find Mojo's, told him the cab driver had let us off in the alley."
"You found him."
"You would've thought his voice would be booming out of his chest but he was pretty soft spoken."
"Oh. We thought it was a place; a bar or something."
"It is; my place."
"So this is Mojo's; the place....and you're Mojo, the man," I said.
"That wasn't so hard to figure out, was it," he said. "Do you want to come in?"
"I don't know. We've only heard the name; we don't know what Mojo's is all about."
"Ah, then the mystery continues," he said. "Why don't you come in and I'll show you what you're in for," he said as he swung the door open and stood back.
"We went in. How could we not? We'd come this far and my curiosity was getting the best of me.
I said Mojo was big, and he was-massive--but without an ounce of fat on him. He was a mountain of solid muscle. He was wearing a sleeveless plaid shirt open down the front and his stomach looked like a plate of armor. And white briefs. He motioned for us to sit down while he poured some drinks. I took one of the chairs, my sidekick took the couch. Mojo sat down beside him and pretty much took up the rest of the couch. The kid--I'm going to call him Greg-scooted over a little but Mojo wasn't having any of that. He put a huge arm across Greg's shoulders and pulled him in tighter.
He said, "You don't come to Mojo's, Honey, and try to get away from Mojo."
Right then when he called him honey, I knew what we were in for; at least what Greg was in for. He downed his drink in a couple of gulps and made Greg do the same then right away he started making out with him. It looked like Greg tried to resist him, even tried to fight him a little bit, but he was no match for the massive Mojo. The big guy was groping Greg's jeans and force-kissing him and I was surprised to see the kid practically melt. There was no resistance when Mojo started undressing him and by the time he was down between Greg's legs, the kid was ready for him. Mojo devoured him. He sent him into orbit.
"What'd you do?" he asked me.
I just sat and watched. I sensed it was not a good situation and I thought I needed to be ready to get us out of there if things started going south. Which they did, pretty quick. Mojo wasn't much for foreplay. I couldn't see everything that was going on over on the couch but at some point I could make out that he was fingering Greg's ass and he was stroking his own cock with his other hand. Judging from how long the strokes were, Mojo had to hung like a horse and he was fingering Greg's ass and it all added up to no good. Curiosity was one thing; I knew this wasn't what Greg signed on for.
Of course Greg didn't know where things were headed. He was loving what Mojo was doing to him and he loved it even more when Mojo brought his legs up and bent him in half and started rimming his ass. Greg went crazy with the guy's finger and his tongue working him over.
At one point he peered around Mojo's shoulder right at me and whimpered, "Ohh, godd, man, he's fucking my ass with his tongue!"
I thought, that's not all he's gonnaa be fucking you with, and I started planning a way out.
Sure enough, Mojo confirmed it, telling Greg he couldn't wait to get his big cock in there. I wasn't sure Greg even heard him till a minute later Mojo shoved himself up to his feet and started to leave the room.
"Don't go away, Honey, I'll be right back and show how it feels to get our insides tickled with my big cock."
Greg heard that without a doubt and it soaked in for both of us when got a look at Mojo's cock. He was monstrous! I'd never seen anything so big except on horses. Greg was still in a sex crazed stupor, staring at me, wide-eyed, but he'd heard and he'd seen.
"Did you hear that? He's gonna fuck me! He'll kill me!"
"Grab your clothes!"
He grabbed at his clothes and started to put them on.
"No time for that," I barked and I grabbed him by the arm and dragged him out the door.
"I'm naked!" he yelled.
"Better naked than dead."
We ran down the alley to a dumpster. I shoved Greg behind it and told him to get dressed while I watched for Mojo. He never came out. When he was dressed we ran out to the street and got a cab. Greg said he was never going back to Mojo's and he told everyone he knew to stay away from Mojo. That's how Mojo was unofficially placed off limits. But there were still guys who couldn't resist; just too curious. And there will continue to be. I'm just telling you, stay the fuck away from Mojo.
"Did you ever go back?" he asked.
"No. There're easier ways to get a blowjob." It wasn't like I'd blurted it out but it was out there before, unintended, before I realized it. I got up with our mugs and went to get them refilled. Yeah, it was an escape maneuver. But it didn't work. When I went back and set our mugs down and slid back into the booth Ryan was grinning at me.
"So you found another outlet besides Mojo," he said quietly.
I took a healthy drink, another stalling tactic, then nodded. "Everybody's gotta have an outlet," I said.
"But Dad, you....I've seen some of the women you take out. Smokin' hot babes."
"You'll soon find out that's not so difficult. Not just the uniform; when they find out you're a SEAL. They think you're super human and they wanta find out." I laughed. "Sometimes that's hard to live up to."
"But you do your best," he said.
"I do my best." I wrapped both hands around my mug and leaned a little more across the table. "I'll let you in on a little secret. Most of the guys you'll ever see in here have their own private outlet, and most of the guys you trained with will have in due time."
"By that you mean....a male outlet."
I nodded. "Sometimes each other, but mostly it's someone else. Trust me, there's no shortage of guys willing and eager to take care of a super human SEAL."
"Just out of curiosity, where do you find these eager and willing guys?"
"They'll find you," I said.
"Considering the women I've seen you take out I have to wonder, why the, uhhh....outlet, if you don't mind me being curious."
"Convenience. You come in from a mission after being out for a week or more, you look like death warmed over, you smell like scum, all you want is to sleep for two straight days, then a hot shower and chow, in that order. A guy don't care. You're not any of that to him, you're rugged. You're his hero. With a woman you have to scrape all that off and look spiffy and smell like Calvin Klein. The guy'll take you as is."
"This has already gotten pretty personal so you won't mind me asking....do you still have your outlet?"
"Yup. And a backup," I said.
"A backup!" he said, laughing.
"In case one's not available."
"Do these two guys know about each other?"
"I'm sure they both know they're not the only ones."
"Man, this has been a real eye-opener," he said, still shaking his head in disbelief.
"Oh, there's more. A lot more. But we'll leave that for another time."
"No, no. Don't you dare. You've brought me this far, don't you fuckin' dare leave me hanging."
"It's not the time or the place. Definitely not the place," I said.
"Then let's go somewhere else. Hell, let's go home."
"Yeah, I was about ready to go home, but that don't mean we're gonna talk," I said.
"It means there's a better chance of it," he said.
"Please, Dad. You said there's more. A lot more. When's a better time going to be?"
"Son, I'm just not sure you're ready for it. I'm not sure I'm ready for it. I don't know if I can handle the disappointment."
"What disappointment? What're you talking about?"
"The disappointment I'm afraid I'd see on your face. You are everything to me, Ryan. You always have been. I don't want to take the risk of losing that."
"I can't, in my wildest imagination, think of any reason I would be disappointed in you, Dad. You've never disappointed me in my whole life. You've always been there for me, supported me in everything I've ever done, even though some of it was damned stupid. I never told you this but you've always been my hero, Dad. Not the astronauts, not the superjocks....you. And you'd have to work awful damned hard to destroy that."
"I might just have it in my power to do that," I said.
"You know what hurts, Dad? That you don't trust me enough, or our relationship, to be totally honest with me."
"Have you been totally honest with me? Have you told me all of the deep dark secrets of your life?"
"No, but I'll tell you anything you want to know, anything you ask. You wanta know why? Because deep down I know that even though you might not like it, you might even be disappointed or ashamed, you would never stop loving me."
"Goddammit!" I swore, heaving a sigh. "You always did have a way of getting around me."
"Only because you let me."
"Yes, I let you, because I love you more than my own life."
"And you don't think I'm capable of that? I'm a SEAL, Dad, just like you. We make our living, laying down our lives for others."
I took the bottle of bourbon off the top of the china cabinet and grabbed two glasses. "We're gonna need this." I led the way upstairs, through his room and out onto the veranda that overlooked the neighbor's beautiful gardens. Even with the open view, it was private with the overhang of heavy foliage. I often slept out here; we both did on hot summer evenings. Ryan turned on the ceiling fan and took the chair across from the coffee table. I poured us each a drink then sat in the other chair and cocked my feet up on the table. There was a long moment of silence between us as we sipped our drinks and waited; Ryan waiting for me to speak....me, for the courage to speak.
Finally, I said, "There's no pussy-footin' way to say this."
"You were never one for pussy-footing around," he said.
He looked at me, expressionless, like he didn't hear me, or didn't know what I'd said.
"Sexual. Bisexual," I said.
His expression didn't change--just a continued blank look--then I saw a little bit of a frown in his furrowed brow and a twitch at the left corner of his mouth. I waited, scared to death, for the rest of the expression to form on his handsome face.
"That's what you were afraid I'd be disappointed in?"
I just looked at him, unbelieving, till I laughed. "You little fucker, I oughta whup your ass."
"You better bring a couple of buddies and lunch. I've had the same training you have," he said.
"Spoken like a true SEAL," I said.
"I learned from the best, right here in this house. Seriously, Dad, you could've told me that a long time ago."
"I just wasn't sure you could handle it; or how you would handle it."
"Hell, I could've handled that back in seventh grade. You remember Brodie Smith? He came out that he was bi when we were in seventh grade."
"To you or to everyone?"
"To me first, then when he saw how I took it he felt brave enough to tell some other guys. Nobody cared. They even said he was lucky, having the best of both worlds. When did you know?"
"I don't really know; maybe always. But I kept it buried so it never bothered me. I loved your mother and we had a great sex life."
"Yeah, I know."
"What do you mean, you know?"
"You guys made a lot of noise sometimes."
"Hey, it was no big deal. Actually, it was pretty hot. It probably sounds perverted but I sort of got off listening to you."
"I'm just glad your mother isn't alive to hear you say that."
"Hey, she was a babe, you were a stud; why shouldn't the sex be great."
"I'm really glad she can't hear that."
"We were talking about when you realized you're bi."
I took another healthy drink and sighed.
"Well, it was back when there was all the talk about gays in the military. I had no clue how repealing DADT would affect training or barracks life. I don't think anyone else did either. There were a lot of dire predictions from the generals and admirals testifying before congress but six months into it the military had not disintegrated into chaos. There were some adjustments but not the sort that the top brass said would have to be made. No separate showers or barracks for straight and gay soldiers. Even the attitude adjustment period was surprisingly smooth, some said even casual and cavalier. Guys said if the other guy could shoot straight and have his back they didn't care who they slept with. One of the more cavalier attitudes was, it could work out fine to find out your roommate or combat buddy was gay.
I wasn't the first in our outfit to come out. I wanted to be and I was working up the courage when Paulo Zarpetti beat me to it. Everybody was stunned. Paulo was the ultimate soldier, stud and ladies' man. He certainly had all the qualifications. He was of Italian descent with drop dead good looks; he was built like a brick shithouse and equipped like the proverbial Italian stallion. He was mostly a loner but anyone who had ever gone on pass with him was concerned about the stiff competition he would face for the women. Paulo never bragged of his conquests; they were taken for granted. What woman would resist him?
The way he came out was a real shocker. There were several guys in the shower on a Monday morning and someone asked him how his date was over the weekend. He replied, "He was fine, I'll be seeing him again. Everybody stopped soaping up and just stared at him.
"Did I hear that right? You said him?"
"It's always been him; you guys are the ones who tagged me as the ladies man."
"But everybody assumed....."
"You've never once heard me talk about dating women," he cut in. "That all came from you guys."
"But you never denied it."
"Why would I, it was a perfect cover. Nobody asked, I didn't tell. I don't need a cover any more.""
"All I've got to say is, Holy Shit!"
"Well, I don't believe it. He's pulling our leg."
Your leg isn't what I'd be pulling,"
"Prove it," someone else said.
"Prove you're gay. Come here and give me some head."
"Zarpetti laughed. "You think that proves anything? You think fucking a woman proves you're straight? Hell I can fuck a woman's brains out, make her scream. But I happen to prefer men."
"Do we really have to have this conversation?" someone said.
"I didn't start this conversation," Zarpetti said.
"Hey it's the law. He's got as much right to be here as any of us. And I don't much give a fuck who he sleeps with as long as he's got my back."
"Yeah, well, having your back suddenly takes on a whole new meaning."
"For you, maybe."
"Well, I'll believe it when I see it."
"Idiots, all of you," Zarpetti said. "You wouldn't know gay if it bit you in the ass. Geezuss, open your eyes, it's all around you." They all looked around at each other, obviously not seeing anything because they didn't know what to look for. They would look around then look back at Zarpetti, like they were looking for a clue. Then the screwiest thing happened. Zarpetti happened to be looking right at me and that turned eyes on me.
I'd heard part of this going on from the latrine. I'd just finished showering and I was drying off and I came into the barracks right at that time. I walked on to my room but I heard a couple of guys say, "Fuck! Anthony?" and "No fuckin' way."
Now I had another pair of eyes on me.
"Dad....? You...." He was barely able to get his words out.
I kept my composure.
"Two other guys besides Zarpetti came out before I did," I said. "Jake Andrews and Aaron Schultz. Two real studs. Actually, most of the guys in our outfit were studs. If not in looks, certainly in physical attributes. It was a culture in our outfit that every man would be in top physical condition, but these two guys would turn heads."
I could see the gaping look on my son's face but I pretended not to.
"The way they came out was less subtle than Paulo did it. It was in the shower and they had the showers across from each other. Aaron asked Jake if he could borrow his soap. Jake asked if he wanted him to drop it for him. Aaron replied that he didn't think they were ready for that. So Jake walked across to Aaron's shower. He said, "Maybe they're ready for this" and he started lathering up Aaron's chest. Next thing we knew they were kissing
There were some jaw dropping stares and some murmured comments, like "What the fuck," but no remarks directed specifically to either of them. Not till after they left the shower.
"Do you believe that?"
"Anybody going to argue with it?"
"It's none of my business as long as one of them doesn't try to crawl in my bunk."
"Look at them, why the fuck would they wanta crawl in your bunk?"
"Nobody gave them any shit. Not even when one of them did crawl in the other's bunk to sleep together that night." I downed the rest of my beer, grabbed Ryan's mug and went to get refills. I came back and set his in front of him and slid into the other side of the booth. He just stared at his beer.
"You okay, Ryan?"
"You'll have to excuse me, I'm still trying to get my head wrapped around this."
"We don't have to go any farther, we can drop it," I said.
"No, I....I wanta hear it. The whole story."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
"Tell me first....what's going through your mind right now? What attitude is developing; what opinion of me?"
"None. Nothing," he said. "Really, Dad, I'm just listening. There are lots of thoughts bouncing around in my head but I can't grab hold of any of them right now. Attitude and opinion will have to come later."
"If you're sure."
"Well, as far as I know I was the next one to come out. Actually I didn't come out; I was brought out by Zarpetti while I was pondering how I might do it."
"Yeah, by him looking right at you and directing everyone else's attention at you," Ryan put in.
"That opened the door a crack but that wasn't the event that brought me out."
"There was an event?"
"Yes. I was stretched out on my bunk after a shower, my eyes closed to shut out everything around me while I ran scenarios in my head as to how I could break the news for real. I thought of everything from subtle to bold. Like making direct eye contact with one of the guys in the mirror when we were shaving. Or making an open pass at a guy in the shower. I was also trying to think of which guy would be my target. Suddenly I felt someone sitting on the edge of my bunk. I opened my eyes and saw it was Zarpetti. He was naked, which was not all that unusual but in my present mindset it seemed so. I asked him, "What's up?"
He said, "I think we've got something in common," as he laid a hand on my thigh.
I knew immediately what he was talking about and it scared me. This wasn't how I pictured myself coming out. I looked at him as his hand moved up my thigh and inside the leg of my shorts. I was wearing boxer briefs so he struck gold pretty quick. I felt uneasy but not panic. What the hell, I thought, he'd already laid the groundwork with the other guys and this was good as any way to come out. I wouldn't have to worry anymore about how I would do it. Still, I felt uneasy.
There were the stacked bunks across the aisle; those guys could see what was going down if they looked close enough. And the guys in the bunks right next to mine. But if Zarpetti didn't care, why should I? Zarpetti was tugging on my cock, pulling it out the leg of my shorts. I wasn't hard but I was expanding. I laid my forearm across my mouth when he leaned down and kissed the head of my cock and licked all around it. I got hard pretty fast and it was too big to get all the way out the leg so he attacked from the other direction; he tugged on the waistband of my shorts. He gave me a nod as if to say, "let me do this" and I lifted my butt so he could pull my shorts down. He didn't try to pull them off, just down far enough that he could get to me. And get to me he did. He buried his face and started mouthing my balls, leaving my cock throbbing up over my stomach. He got to it in short order, pulled it upright then leaned over me and went down on it. I saw he was going for my cock and I braced myself. It wasn't my first blowjob but I was the first time in public.
All kinds of jumbled thoughts washed through my mind. Did the repeal of DADT mean we could be doing this in the barracks? And the guys around us, what would they say or do? There was the reference to "openly gay"....but this open? Could that be interpreted to mean actively gay, in public?
My head was to the side so I couldn't see across the aisle but the guy in the lower bunk next to me was propped up on his elbow watching, wide-eyed, and the guy on the top bunk was peering down at us. Moments later the guy in the bunk over me appeared head and shoulders and he was watching us too. We had an audience and there was no reason to think it wouldn't grow as word spread, as it surely would. I took refuge in the fact that I wasn't the one sucking cock. Zarpetti was admittedly gay; he was the one doing the sucking. I would be seen as the straight guy on the receiving end.
The blowjob was feeling damned good and more and more I wasn't giving a damn about the other guys. Let 'me watch. And I wasn't hiding from it anymore with my arm over my eyes. The guy in the lower bunk next to me rose up and sat on the edge of his bunk. He leaned forward with his arms on his knees and was groping himself. Suddenly another guy appeared at my left; I figured he came from across the aisle. He was naked, stroking his hard cock. Then the guy from the upper bunk next to mine jumped down and stood beside his bunkmate. He was in his shorts but he had his cock and balls out over the top of the waistband. I thought to myself, Zarpetti was going to one busy boy, what with three more cocks standing around waiting to be sucked.
But then the guy sitting on the next bunk reached out for his bunkmate's cock and leaned over and took it in his mouth. It wasn't a minute before the guy standing leaned over my bunk and started licking my balls. My bunkmate overhead jumped down then and stood beside the guy from across the aisle. Fuck, how many more, I wondered.
Then came the event. The guy from across the aisle put his knee in the edge of my mattress and hunkered forward to offer me his cock. No, I thought, you've got it all wrong; I'm on the other side of the fence. Couldn't he see that? I had three guys working on me. I said he was offering me his cock. When I didn't take it he more or less rescinded the offer and became forceful; he put his hand under my neck and pulled my head up to take his cock. I turned my head to the side but he brought it back and rubbed his cockhead across my mouth, leaving a trail of precum across my lips. My neck was no match for his muscular arm and his big hand and I brought my own arm up to fight him off but somewhere in the fracas I flicked my tongue out to lick the stuff he'd painted my lips with and caught the taste and the aroma at the same time and my resistance crumbled. What the fuck, I thought, why am I fighting him? This was what I wanted; this was the opportunity I was looking for, and suddenly my uplifted arm was guiding my hand right to his cock.
I have to admit, even to this day, it felt wonderful in my hand. It was the first time I'd ever touched a man like that, and stroked him and he was so big and hard and alive and it felt incredible. Of course he was wanting more than a hand job and he shoved his cock at my mouth again only this time I didn't resist him. My mouth was open, waiting, and suddenly I was sucking cock and loving it. Quite honestly I don't remember all that happened. There was so much going on with so many guys, and more guys got involved. Another guy came from across the aisle and stood at the head of my bunk and they turned me over on my hands and knees so I could suck him and both of those guys shared my mouth. I don't even know how many guys were down there doing me but now somebody was rimming my ass. It just all turned into a big blur."
Suddenly I stopped and a chill ran through me as realized how steeped I was in the story and how graphic I'd been in telling it to my son.
"I guess I got a little carried away."
"No, it was....it was perfectly descriptive."
"That's an understatement."
"I hope you won't think I got carried away....I got hard just from listening to you."
I laughed. "Well, I guess that was to be expected."
Silence again as we sipped our drinks. They were low and I refilled the glasses. Ryan sipped his, looking at me over the top of his glass.
"I'd like to ask you something, Dad. Two things, actually"
"There might be one or two little secrets still hovering in the far corners of my mind....shoot."
"Do you still pursue that part of your lifestyle?"
"I told you, everybody's got an outlet." Quiet again. "What was the other thing?"
"Have you ever had those feelings for me?"
"Truth or dare, huh."
"You want me to lie?"
"Nothing I've dwelled on," I said. "Just off-the-wall thoughts. Like when I picked you up and had to scrub off all that grime; when you came out of the shower I was thinking, 'Damn, some lucky girls is going to have that body' and how you must be a tiger in bed, and how it'd be great to watch you in action. Stuff like that."
"Nothing that directly connects you and me, though," he said.
"No, but let me put it this way. If I saw you in a bar I would very likely make a move on you."
He laughed, then asked, "Seriously, you'd get a charge from watching me have sex?"
"It'd be better than porn," I said jokingly, but I wasn't joking.
I got shipped off to the mountains of Colorado for more training. We trained with Canadians, Swedes, Germans and a handful of Swiss Army. It was combat training on skis. Of course we had to learn to ski first. At least we Americans did. Most of the rest already knew how. The Swiss kicked our asses on the slopes. But we were determined and quick learners and when we'd evened the score we kicked ass in combat skills.
Colorado had some weird weather. It was like the dead of winter up on the slopes then we would come back down to the mild summer weather and go in shirtsleeves. I liked the training and I liked the guys I trained with. I missed my dad. Neither of us was much on writing letters but I called him every other night to give him full reports about the training. He said he envied me; he'd never had that kind of training. He joked that learning to ski wasn't training it was a vacation.
It wasn't an issue but I was still also trying to get my head wrapped around dad's revelation that he was bi, and especially some the experiences he'd told me about. One thing lay heavily on my mind. Not that it was an issue either, but I kept thinking about what he'd said, that everybody has an outlet. I didn't, not in the sense that he meant it. I still had my girlfriend, of sorts. It wasn't serious but it was sort of understood that she would be there for me. I wasn't an exclusive and neither was she. More than once I let myself get picked up at McCalls by a bar girl. I guess it could be said that my girl and I were a steady fuck. So an "outlet" never crossed my mind.
But well into the training, being away from familiar territory and people, and her, I got to thinking more about an outlet. It sounded nice and convenient, not so unlike what I had with my so-called girlfriend. I remembered, too, what my dad had said about finding an outlet. "He'll find you," he'd said. I debated it with myself, the how, when, and should I, to the point that it began to lay heavy. Enough that when we got a weekend pass to Denver I opted out of the group of mixed nationalities and struck out on my own, even got my own room in a small, out of the way hotel. I still had no clue how to conduct myself in this particular situation and I figured I would just put myself out there. But out where? All I knew about Colorado was the mountains; I sure as hell didn't know Denver. I got a cab about a block from my hotel, still not knowing where I wanted to go, but I was feeling bold and adventurous, with the attitude that nobody in Denver knew me. When the cab driver asked I blurted out that I'd never been to a gay bar and I wanted to go to one; someplace discreet. I was surprised how easily it came out of my mouth. He said he knew just the place.
He drove for a little bit turned into a not-well-lit alley between two tall brick buildings and pointed to the left to a canopied entrance with potted shrubs on either side of the door. I paid him and he gave me his card for me to call him to take me back.
It was pretty much a typical nightclub atmosphere with strobe lights and loud music and people dancing. I don't know why I was taken aback to see guys dancing together but I was. And beyond the dance floor was a stage with built young strippers doing lewd dances. I was surprised, too, at the surge of excitement that went through me. I went to the bar where a shirtless guy with muscles served me an icy cold beer. I found myself lingering for a few brief seconds to admire his upper body, and went away shaking my head, for that surprised me too.
I ventured into the dance floor and stood back to the wall and sipped my beer. It was strange to see all guys dancing together but it was pretty sexy. Some of them, those with muscles to show off, had their shirts off and tucked in the jeans. One very muscular kid was gyrating in just his shorts. I made my way around the perimeter of the dance floor toward the stage and the strippers. I'd never seen male strippers and they intrigued me. I use that word because intrigued was the only word that came to mind at that particular moment of my adventure. I didn't get too close though; I guess I didn't want to appear that interested. Guys were coming by and stuffing money in their shorts and jockstraps and thongs; I certainly didn't want to get that close. I can't say I got hard but there was a certain degree of excitement.
I was standing there sipping my beer and enjoying the scenery when this college-jock type guy approached me and asked me to dance.
"When you finish your beer I would very much like to dance with you," he said.
"But finish your beer. It's not a god idea to set your beer down; you never know what somebody might put in it."
I was taken aback and it must've showed.
He laughed and said, "You're new at this."
I didn't admit that but I did say it was my first time there, then for some damned stupid reason I downed my beer! It must have looked like I was accepting his invitation to dance but I wasn't. I had no intention of dancing with him or any other guy; I'd used the beer as a pacifier, something to get me through the moment.
"I'm sorry, I don't.....dance," I stammered.
"You don't have to dance, just move. And I know you've got some moves," he said in a jovial tone.
He was good looking and very well put together and I was honestly tempted--another surprise-but I still declined.
"Fair enough. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I had to ask."
"Thanks for asking," I said.
He moved away, gyrating in time with the music and he had some sexy moves too. Someone grabbed him off and they disappeared in the crowd on the dance floor. I went back to the bar to get another beer after I had stupidly downed the first one. I was feeling pretty ridiculous; like a high school boy, stag, at his first prom. There was an empty bar stool so I decided to stick around the bar for a while. I had just sat down when the guy next to me left and another guy took the bar stool.
I glanced around and. froze inside; it was one of the soldiers I'd been training with. I don't know why I froze; he was there in the same bar as me.
"You are Ryan, right?"
I was impressed that he remembered my name when I didn't recall his.
"Yes. You're on the Swiss team but sorry, I don't remember your name."
"I am Luca." He put out his big hand. I took it and his grip felt good.
"It's good to meet you, Luca. Well, we've already met, we've been training together, but it's good to know your name. I won't forget it now."
"I see you found this place," he said.
"Yes, although I wasn't looking for it." That was a lie. "Wasn't sure what I was in for when I walked in," I said, with a chuckle. "How did you happen on it?"
"I took a cab." That told me he was looking for the place same as I had. It told me a lot more that I wasn't ready to process yet; not about him and not about me. But I liked him and I was glad we'd met up.
"Have you been on the dance floor?" he asked.
"No, I just got here," I lied again. I hoped he hadn't seen me already. "Anyway, I don't dance."
"You don't dance, or you don't dance with guys?"
"I've never danced with a guy and I'm not very good at dancing with girls." I prayed he wouldn't ask me to dance because, God help me, with the beer and the atmosphere permeating my mind, I might accept.
"Okay, then, I won't ask you to dance," he said.
I didn't know if he was joking or not. We started talking about the training and some of the other guys. We both agreed it was a great experience, and that we had good men training us. I remembered that the Swiss were experts on the skis and I mentioned that.
"My dad says I was born on skis. Says I popped out on a slope and he came along behind and scooped me up."
"Well, you're damned good. You all are."
"It's part of our lives," he said with a shrug. "You're quite good yourself. You Americans are better than any of us with the shooting and the combat."
"That's part of our lives," I said.
"This is not," he said, looking all around us. "You're out of place here."
"Does it show that much?"
"You look like a virgin amongst a horde of pillaging Huns."
I laughed. "That would be because I am."
"You're virgin?" he asked, surprised.
"I am to this," I said.
"But you're curious." When I didn't answer he said, "Hey you're here. And I think not by accident." He was nailing me. "You said you just got here. I saw you along the edge of the dance floor, up close to the strippers."
"Sorry I lied," I muttered.
"Forget it. Curiosity is the only thing keeping you here. Maybe you like to do something about that?"
"Do something about what?"
"Your curiosity. Your virginity. The cab driver pointed out a hotel when he dropped me off; I have a room nearby."
I sipped my beer and took a brief moment to muster my courage while I eyed the handsome Swiss in the mirror of the back bar. He eyed me back waiting, probably knowing I would come with him. Finally I sucked it up and said, "Okay."
We downed our beers and left. I never was a big drinker and I'd drunk the two beers too fast and it was having an effect on my maneuverability. The hotel was small and quaint. We took the lift to the fourth floor where Luca let us in his room. It was small, too. A single bed, dresser and lamp, a small desk and chair and two other chairs, all crammed into a space too small for that much furniture.
Luca turned on the bedside lamp and turned off the overhead light. The softer light cast the room in warm intimacy. Oddly, I was feeling good about being there.
"I hope you're not nervous," Lucas said as he cocked one foot up on the foot of the bed and began unlacing his boot.
"No, I'm good," I said but I probably didn't appear so as I sat on the arm of one of the big chairs.
It was the first I'd gotten a good look at the man in better light. He was very handsome in a European sort of way and as I'd noticed before of the Swiss, his skin was flawless. His buzz cut made him look militarily American.
"Go ahead and get comfortable," he said as he was unlacing his other boot.
I jumped to it but purposely lagged behind him. I'd seen guys undress hundreds of times, in the locker room at school and more when I joined the Navy but it was never like this. All those other times were simply a part of barracks life and being a jock. This had a very specific purpose; there was a very specific reason we were taking off our clothes in this little hotel room.
Luca's skin was flawless over every inch of his body. He was smooth as a young boy except for the light brownish hair around his cock and in his armpits. His eyebrows were darker which accented his eyes. When he was hanging up his clothes I took in his broad shoulders and back but my eyes fell to his butt. Don't ask me why. Guys' butts were not something I took a particular interest in but Luca's ass was the focal point of the rear view of him and when he turned around from the closet his whole body took on a perfection that I'd seldom seen. By that time I was naked a well.
"Nice," he said.
"Yeah, thanks, you too," I muttered. I didn't know what either of us was calling nice but for me the remark certainly included his cock. I hadn't intended to stare but apparently I was.
"You're looking; I'm flattered," he said with a smile.
"I was noticing your skin is flawless. American girls would give anything to have skin like yours."
"American girls can have all of my skin they want," he joked. "But I like the way you're built more rugged, and the hair on our chest and legs. I especially like this," he said, as he reached out and ran his fingers down the center of my stomach, tracing the treasure trail.
"And you're cut," he noticed with a smile and that triggered a quick second glance at his manhood. "Circumcision is not so common in Europe as in the United States," he said.
I shrugged. I didn't know what to say to that. I supposed I'd noticed other guys cock and whether they were cut or not, in a casual, even uninterested way. I didn't know why anyone gave a fuck. I stood there while he trailed his fingers up my stomach and across my chest. To that point I had not allowed myself to face that the reason I was naked in a hotel room with this man was that I was going to have sex with him. Letting that soak in scared me a little.
Luca reached down for my cock and pulled on it. The feelings were starting down there and his hand around my cock made it almost jump to life. I'd never gotten so hard so fast in my life. It made him smile.
"I have a feeling you're going to be one hot fucker in bed," he said as he stroked my cock.
"I hope I don't disappoint you," I croaked.
"No way you could with this," he said. He pulled me closer to the bed and sat down and leaned over and took my cock in his mouth.
"Ohhh, fuck!" I groaned loudly and I saw him smile around my cock.
Luca's mouth moving up and down my cock and his tongue lashing around the head was the most incredible thing I'd ever felt. It sent shivers through me and made my legs shake. I put my hands on his shoulders for support. Luca noticed and stood up and turned me around. He eased me back across the bed and went to his knees on the floor between my legs. The next several minutes were mind boggling. I'd never felt anything like it. I'd heard guys say that girls thought they held the secrets of the universe between their legs. I wasn't so sure. Luca was revealing a whole new set of secrets. I moaned and ran my fingers over his buzz cut head and humped my ass up to fuck his mouth. I didn't know about cumming, what I was supposed to do when that time came. Would he take my load or what?
Luca was matter of fact about what he was doing, as if he were on a mission. He paused from sucking every now and then to kiss all around the head of my cock and stroke it and admire it, then he would go back down on it.
"Feeling okay for you?" he asked at one point.
"Don't ask," I said. "You don't ever have to ask that."
He smiled and resumed sucking me. Minutes later he paused again and turned around and lay on the floor with his head laid back on the edge of the mattress, and told me to turn over and fuck his throat. I gladly obliged, with amazement that I was able to do just that; shove my cock all the way into his throat without him choking. It was so fuckin' good, I don't know I was able to hold off. I just kept doing it, like I was on a mission as well, and tried not to think too hard on what I was doing but to just suck up the pleasure.
It seemed a long time before he stopped me and asked, "You wanta try this on my ass?"
I shoved myself up from him and stood straight, looking down at him, I was sure with a dumb look. It didn't even register to offer him a hand. My slick cock was stand out at a forty-five degree angle, throbbing and bobbing up and down.
"That shock you?" he asked, laughing.
"Yeah, it sort of does," I replied. "I mean, I wasn't expecting anything like this when we met up in the bar."
"You were in the bar," he reminded me. "You were there for a reason, we already established that."
"Okay, yeah, I guess I was looking for a blowjob or something," I admitted.
"That was a blowjob, now it's time for the something. Unless you really don't want to. I know there are guys that get turned off by the idea of fucking another guy's ass."
"I admit I was noticing your ass," I said. "But can you really handle me? I mean, all of me?"
"You'll be a challenge, but yeah, I'll handle you, balls deep. That's a promise."
"Then yeah, I'm game if you are," I said. Then I added, "You know, I've never done anything like this."
"That only makes you more attractive and desirable."
That made me laugh. "Well, I've been told I'm not hard to look at but I never got called desirable before."
I lay on top of him, nearly out of breath. I'd never had such an exhausting fuck in my life. Part of it was, I'd never had a female partner put so much into it, and this Swiss soldier was a challenge to keep up with.
We showered and got dressed and went out for a bite to eat at a little hole-in-the wall café that was open all night. We didn't talk about what we'd done although I had a lot of questions I wanted to ask. Walking back, when we were approaching the hotel he asked if I was ready for round two.
I laughed. "If I say yes, what's that getting me into?"
"More of the same in a different position," he joked.
Luca sucked my cock some more and then I fucked him again this time on his hands and knees with me standing beside the bed. I fucked him again on his back with his feet extended way out over his head. I went in a lot deeper that way but he loved it. I was again a little surprised at how I was taking to man sex, like a duck to water.
We slept with me spooning him. He laughed, saying I probably would sleep good with him spooning me and he told me if I got horny in the night to shove right in and fuck him again. I told him I didn't think I could handle another round but he scoffed at that. He was right. I woke up in the middle of the night hard as a rail, but I was honest-to-god too tired to do anything about it. I felt Luca's big cock throbbing against my backside and I admit I let the thought creep into my mind to be entertained for a brief moment but then quickly dismissed it. Later on, in the early morning hours I came awake again and Luca and I were sprawled all over the bed, covers off, entangled like a pretzel. I opened my eyes to see that I was practically face to face with Luca's manhood. I could feel his body heat on my face and smell his musk, a mixture of soap and sweat. It was somehow intoxicating and I didn't move away. I lay there gazing at his cock and heavy, smooth balls. I had never seen another guy's cock this close and I was intrigued with the generous collar hugging the wide rim of his cockhead.
I would never admit that the close proximity to Luca's manhood was the cause of it but my cock got hard. More of those weird thoughts crept into my head and I entertained them longer than I had before; entertained them to the point of temptation.
"Why don't you go ahead and give it a try." I jumped at the sound of Luca's husky voice. I thought he was asleep. "While you've got the chance," he went on. "You'll at least know if you like it or not."
Dammit! Why'd he have to say that! Like he knew I was having those creepy thoughts and he was trying to push me over the edge. I felt the urge to recoil, to drag myself out of the entanglement and out of the bed in an act of rejection. But I didn't. I didn't move. I was compelled to stay put. I wasn't done with the thoughts, hadn't sorted them out yet, and I wasn't finished with the deliberations going on in my head. I hated to admit the weakness of it, that he might have pushed me over the edge. I rather wanted to believe that I made the decision on my own, with a clear head.
I lay there for a long moment just looking at his big cock, watching it throb and quiver, and the drop of precum glistening in the wide slit. Then he clenched his butt muscles to jut his cock at me and suddenly it was right in my face, within tongue's reach. Almost instinctively, I flicked my tongue out and dipped it in the wide slit and got the precum. I brought my tongue back I my mouth and tasted it. It was all so natural, how I did it. I didn't dislike the taste and when I saw more of the stuff I licked it off too. Luca reached down and put his hand on my head, encouraging me. My thought was, he didn't have to do that, I was going to do what he wanted in my own time. I kept licking the ball juice that kept oozing out of his cock till he was producing so much that I took the head in my mouth so I wouldn't lose any. That truly was the reason, because I felt surprise when I realized that I'd taken his cock in my mouth. Not just that, when he pushed his cock further, I met it with my mouth and suddenly I was sucking his cock. I never intended to do that but I was doing it and I didn't dislike it. I think I didn't like the fact that I was doing it, but I didn't not like the act of doing it. I was sucking cock!
It wasn't so bad and I thought okay, I'll do it just this once. We'll never see each other again and it'll be easy to rack it up as the experience it was; two horny soldiers taking care of each other. Only in our case it was a horny soldier and horny SEAL. Anyway, I sort of owed him.
So I sucked him and I let him fuck my mouth. I didn't consciously think that's what he was doing but that's what it was; he was using my mouth like a pussy. Of course I knew the ultimate outcome of the act but I was rather enjoying what I was doing and not thinking ahead to that. Luca never gave any warning--none that I heard anyway-and suddenly he was shooting cum in my mouth! It took me a second or two to wake up and realize what was happening and he'd shot a couple of times before I jerked my mouth off of his cock. I got the rest of it on my face and neck and shoulder. I was amazed how much he shot and how hard.
I lay there till he was finished and it began to sink in what I'd done, and worse, that I'd liked doing it. I was horrified to realize that I had swallowed his cum! I didn't even realize I'd done it till it was down and I was getting the aftertaste. And now the acrid smell of his load permeated my nostrils.
I wiped off what I could with the sheet then got up off the bed and went to wash up. When I came back I curled up in the chair. The bed was a mess. We woke up barely in time to get back to the barracks. There was no time to shower and I hoped to hell I didn't smell like cum. Luca and I never spoke of it but I thought about it a lot. I didn't have any real regrets but I wasn't sure I would do it again. Being not sure sort of scared me because in those thoughts I wondered, what if this one German soldier came on to me. Heinrich was a stud and I wondered if I would refuse him. But he never tried anything so I was left safe in my doubts. I knew I would never forget Luca.
My other thought was, great, I'd just had my first experience with man sex and it was incredible but it was with a Swiss soldier in Denver, Colorado. What the fuck good was that going to do me back in San Diego? It did one thing, though. It set me on the path of finding an outlet. I wondered if I would or could tell my dad about it.
The end......for now
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