That is what I have felt for the past six hours since I got home last night. I think it is because I know that once I feel something it becomes real.
Although I think the fact that those few seconds of Ethan having sex with Julia that I witnessed, have been replaying over and over in my head since I saw it might've already made it real.
Either way the sun is rising and I can hear my parents getting ready to go to work so, as much as I hoped it would, time hasn't stopped for me.
I waited in my bed for another half an hour until I heard my parents leave then I got up and walked into the bathroom.
I looked like shit.
My shirt was all creased and crinkled, my tie was loose and hanging to one side, there were massive bags under my eyes and my hair was a complete mess, and (for the first time that I can remember) I didn't give a shit.
I walked back to my bedroom and turned my phone on (I had turned it off after the first time Ethan had tried to call me last night) there were half a dozen messages and ten missed calls. I went through deleting the message and missed call alerts until I noticed that one wasn't from Ethan but from Jonathan. I listened to it.
"Hey J.D where the fuck are you mate? I miss you, I was looking forward to doing some shots and playing some beer pong with you. Anyways I 'm calling 'cause Ethan was looking for you and now is sitting out on the curb like a fucking weird cunt. I don't know what is wrong with him but he is acting like a major downer so can you come sort him out? I'll see ya soon bro."
I looked at the time stamp and Jonathan had called about an hour after I left and for a second I felt bad for making Ethan feel that way. How fucked up is that? He cheats on me and I'm the one that feels bad.
I'd like to stay that I spent the day being proactive sorting my life out, planning what I was going to do but I didn't. I spent the day in my room watching T.V and eating junk food, I was pathetic.
Anyways the next day....
I woke up the and still felt like shit but I had to play soccer, not just because my team needed me but I needed the distraction.
I went to the ground and avoided my teammates as much as possible in a changing room.
My game was terrible, I let my emotions take over me. I just charged into tackles and the opposition players earning myself a rare yellow card within the first half hour.
My coach subbed me off at half time and there, sitting on the bench, I saw him.
He was just standing there in the stand with his brother and he was looking directly at me.
I quickly averted my gaze and didn't look there for the rest of the match trying to lose myself in the game in front of me.
Walking to the change rooms after the game had finished I heard Ethan call my name but I ignored it and, after changing, snuck out the back and got a lift home from a teammate.
I lay on my bed that night and try as I may there was no way that I could think of to avoid Ethan at school the next day. I was going to have to talk to him eventually but what would I say? What would he say? All I knew right now was that I couldn't feel the same way as I had, the mere idea of loving Ethan brought me tears.
I kept thinking of the thousand ways that Ethan broke my heart and thought it might just be best if I didn't go to school at all tomorrow, then I decide to man up. I'm not going to let Ethan see me as some pitiful loser who is lost without him, I'm going to put on a strong façade even if on the inside I want to just breakdown.
And on top of all that I have to deal with Julia, AND act like nothing has happened in front of all my friends.
Being a teenager is hard.