Unable to think, I wandered. Unable to register the world around me, I focused on the feel of Caleb's hand in my own. Gently he pulled me along with a warm grip and a sturdy arm. I let him lead, there was no way my brain could work properly now. Caleb was so close and his hand was so hot. I felt my face flush as I looked up at the back of his head with hair glowing golden under the street lights. The last dregs of alcohol still in my system causing me to light up like the fourth of July. The tips of Caleb's ears burned red, mirroring the color of my cheeks. What was he thinking right now, here with me? Could he think, or was is brain as mucked up as my own? Thoughts of him danced in my head and unconsciously I started to tear off his clothes with my eyes.
Caleb's tattered clothes didn't leave much to the imagination. His back was surprisingly wide and well defined. The shadows from the lights danced across the pale canvass that was his skin. Back and forth his free arm moved as he walked so I could see the muscles of his shoulder at work. Creating a rhythm that sped along with that of my heart, I could hear it pounding in my ears. My eyes wandered down his back, noting every muscle, every quirk and blemish of his skin, burning it into my memory. Then noting the large scar that ran across his hip, almost hidden by the Calvin Kline elastic band that clung to it. Breathless I stopped moving and my heart skipped a beat.
"What is it Jason?" Caleb muttered and turned around, his face as red as mine was just a moment ago. Before he could see me I launched my eyes up to meet his praying to God he didn't notice where I was staring.
"Oh, nothing... Just thinking..." I heard those words and blushed, my voice sounded strange, even to myself. Then I realized that we haven't actually said a word to each other since the alley. From there my mind wandered further into the gutter. "Where are we going?" I asked trying to salvage what little decency I had left.
"Good question," Caleb replied, the corner of his lips lifting up with a silent laugh. "Where do you want to go? We've wandered pretty far form the bar and now my apartment is a 20 minutes walk from here, although I just moved in so there isn't much in it other than boxes and a couch."
"A couch is all I need." I breathed silently, my tongue with a mind of its own. Looking away ashamed and a little embarrassed I cleared my throat and said, "I would love to go to your place, if you would have me". With that we were off to his apartment making small talk along the way. I had to talk about something, anything. Just so long as I wouldn't have to think about Caleb's scar. I kept having the feeling that it wasn't something he wanted to advertise...
During our conversation I learned that Caleb had moved here to New York because of a possible acting job off-Broadway. He and his best friend Blake, who also happened to be his room mate, were both actors. The price of an apartment in New York wasn't a bill you wanted to pay by yourself if you didn't have a steady income. I could understand that. Still, hearing that perfection incarnate here before me had a room mate made me green with envy. Whoever this Blake guy was, I just prayed that he didn't swing our way. Or more specifically in Caleb's direction. I was imagining all the fun I could have if I lived with Caleb, and knowing that Blake DID live with Caleb made me want to take him and run in the other direction. As my idiotic brain was hatching up a plan to grab Caleb and drag him to Cuba, I realized that we were here.
I panicked. I didn't know what to do other than just stare at the door, which stood there threatening me, opposing my entrance. It was as if the door was telling me to run. Ignoring the feeling I reminded myself that this is Caleb's home... My face flushed red again, brightening as the door was unlocked, then slowly opened. The door now stood wide open with Caleb on the other side, and me looking down at my feet. Should I really enter? I had just met Caleb 2 hours ago and it was already 3:30 am. I have no idea what I will do once I get in there. My mind raced with doubts and fears, yearnings and desires, excitement and joy. It all rumbled and tumbled in my mind, which was blurred and slurred with the slight buzz of booze. Then before I could even begin to sort out my thoughts the lights were turned on and Caleb grabbed my hand. I was pulled into the room and standing before me were two very familiar smiling faces. Caleb's smile, the smile of the man who is my current obsession. Then Blake's smile, the smile of the man who is both Caleb's best friend and my ex-boyfriend from college, the first man I ever loved.