The sun peeped through the cracks of curtains, and without a doubt it was the morning. I rolled over in my bed ever so gently, preventing myself from waking up Sebastian. Sebastian was a beautiful, young and graceful Golden Retriever, whom kept me company on my lonely nights. I headed downstairs to make coffee, and prepare myself breakfast. It was Saturday and I had nothing to do, I was completely lost.
In the distance, I hear my cell ring.
“Hello?” I said, already aware that it was Tessa.
“You’re awake? Good.” She replied, before I could even apply an answer.
“Look, I need you to do something for me, are you available?” Tessa asked, with a serious tone.
“Sure. What is that you need me to do?” I replied skeptically.
“It’s Adam again. He won’t leave his house, and I’ve tried calling, but with no answer. I’m really worried.” Tessa said, concerned.
“Before you say anything, you know he only listens to you.” Tessa added.
“Sure.” I said, hanging up on the call.
Adam was Tessa’s cousin, whom a couple years ago completed his 2nd tour in the military. He was subject to PTSD, which made him suicidal, reclusive, and a potential danger to himself. Adam could function in daily life, he just had triggers that reinforced the feeling of destruction that he wanted to escape. Adam and I were childhood friends, and somehow I seemed to pull him from torment into reality. In many ways, I was his keeper.
I got dressed, packed, put Sebastian in the car, and headed out. The sky had morphed from the beautiful glistening sun, to a gloomy overcast. This troubled me, so I needed to get to Adam as soon as possible. Within 2 Hours, I had arrived to Adam’s house, and the front door was open. I rushed in to find a soaked Adam staring blankly, sitting in the middle of his living room. In rushed Sebastian, who ran over to Adam and embraced him. Somehow, it broke him from his trance, allowing him to absorb the world around him.
“S-Sebastian?” Adam mumbled before he passed out.
Adam was not a small man, which was a major problem for me. Adam was maybe a foot taller than me, and weighed at least twice more than I. I had to find a way to get him to his bed, all while Sebastian was at my feet.
I finally got him into bed, and I got to work making him food. Adam didn’t have much inside of his fridge, which made me have to gather something together hoping that it could something for him to eat. I had to remove his soaked clothes, which I dreaded. Adam was a beautiful man. Short dark hair covered his head. As I could notice, he hadn’t shaved, leaving a decent amount of stubble that accentuated his already strong, and prominent jawline. He had plump, supple pink lips that trembled from his current state.
Adam’s body was what disturbed me the most. Adam was a muscular man, but as I scanned him, he was thin, lacking his usual muscular state. After that discovery, I through the comforter over him, and preceded to the living room, awaiting his rise from the blackout. On my way to the living room, I stumbled on something on the ground. It was a gun, which made me glad that came him as fast as I did.
I awoke to a headache, and my blurry sight made out what was a dog. I let out a sigh. It was Sebastian, which meant Kyle was here. I hated him having to see me like this; I was so dependent on him for survival. I shifted in the bed, which woke up a sleeping Sebastian. The smell of food crept from the Kitchen, which made my stomach cry for help.
“Hey Buddy,” I said to Sebastian, which Kyle must have heard, because he was standing at my bedroom door.
He just stood and stared at me. I knew he was angry and disappointed.
“Adam, food is on the table. Go eat it.” Kyle said bluntly.
“Hey.” I said, crawling out of the bed with new clothes.
“What the Fuck were you doing in the rain Adam?” Kyle said as he led me to the table.
“I-I was looking for someone.” I said, avoiding his sight.
Kyle was mad, and somehow, I look at how he made the drive, in this weather to tend to me. I felt as if I was taking hostage of his feelings, not allowing him to love any other man. I knew Kyle had feelings for me, and here I was manipulating them.
I focused on eating the food, which tasted better than anything I had eaten within the past month. I had lost weight, and stopped taking the meds. I hated the way they made me feel. So much was on my mind, that I didn’t even understand my own feelings. Looking up, I noticed Kyle was intensely glaring at me. His eyes cut through me, and couldn’t say anything. I was helpless, and lethargic.
“You stopped taking the meds Adam.” Kyle said, as he was unrelenting in his stare.
“Yes. I did.” I said avoiding his gaze.
Kyle let out a sigh. “Adam, regardless of how much you’re against it, you need to realize at one point in your life that you can’t do this alone.”
“I’m fine.” I replied half-heartedly.
“No. You are in denial.” Kyle said, as he began to exit the table.
“I am a Marine.” I said, staring him down.
He walked over to me, and said, “Yes, you could say that. Yet, that phrase has made you a slave to your own thoughts. That phrase is the reason I’m here now.”
I was used to this. I always knew how much Kyle was against me enlisting from the beginning, and he still hated me for it. I could understand why he felt this way, considering what I had been through in the last few years. After being medically discharged, my family decided that I was burden. They didn’t want to deal with me, because they were too busy dealing with their wealth and never wanted to handle a “broken” man. Since then, Kyle has been my shoulder, and my rock. I had to admit that I loved him.
I couldn’t sleep, because Adam invaded my mind. I was always patient, and understanding, but sometimes Adam pissed me off. He couldn’t grasp the fact that it was fine being what he was. He always felt that this made him less of a man, but to me it didn’t.
Suddenly, I hear loud noises coming from Adam’s room. Adam barely slept, and somehow sleep was his trigger. I had to figure something out, and find a way to approach him. When I entered the room, the expression that Adam was wearing was completely terrifying. He had lost himself, and he hadn’t noticed me, which was a good thing. I discreetly closed the door, and headed to living room. I had to find a way to calm him down without him harming the both of us. I looked over at the piano, and remembered that we used to play together. So, I decided to play the last song on the piano, hoping somehow to ground him. As I tried to recall on how to play the piano, I realized that I was not good at this at all.
The noises stopped, and I kept playing—terribly. Amongst the music, I could hear a hearty laugh come from Adam’s room. Somehow, it worked and Adam was hysterical laughter. I smiled, and looked over, and Adam had emerged from the room.
“You still are terrible at it?” Adam said, dryly. He looked so fatigued, and seemed as if he was going to fall over. Yet, somehow I still thought he was beautiful. I his vulnerability, because I felt that I was the only who saw it and understood it,
“Adam, how are you feeling?” I said, diverging from my own thoughts.
“Tired.” He replied. “Really tired.” He looked miserable.
“I have not slept in days Kyle.” “I just can’t fall asleep.” Adam said, leaning against the wall, preventing his self from falling.
“Take the meds Adam.” “They help you sleep.” I said heading towards the Kitchen, grabbing a glass water.
“Go.” I said, pointing towards the bedroom. I was determined to get him to sleep.
Once he was I the bed, I watched him as he took to the pills. He glanced over at me as I was sitting as his bed side.
“What are you doing?” He asked.
“Making sure you’re sleep Adam.” I replied, staring him in the eyes intensely.
“Fine.” Adam replied, stubborn as ever. Within 30 minutes he was sound asleep.
I woke up the next morning, with no sign of Kyle. I looked over at my destruction, and let out a sigh. I never understood his patience. He felt liked he had a duty to save me, and I could never stop him. He loved me—I was aware of that. I just didn’t know how to tell him what I felt. In the back of my mind, I knew I wasn’t going to live very long considering my destructive lifestyle so I gave up a long time ago. I wanted to believe that was the reason that I had not told him how I felt.
I walked into the kitchen, I found a note from Kyle.
“I’ve cooked enough food to last for a few weeks. Laundry is done. Take your medicine, and sleep Adam. Call me if you need me.” ~ Kyle
He still was taking care of me. I collapsed to the floor. How did it get this bad? When did I lose myself to the point that I forgot how to live?
Looked at my hands, and scanned my entire body. I was gaunt, and fatigued. I had lost weight and I needed to get it back. If I wanted to love him, I had to do it right. Over the course of three months, I ate, slept, and worked out on the regular. Kyle had become my motivation, and that kept me focused. I had no “episodes” since Kyle had been here. I limited contact with my family, I let them know I was alive and functioning. Kyle never called, because Tess kept him updated. I was going to prove to him that all of his hard work did something.
Work consumed me. It was all I had, so I had no qualms with it. My life was plain, only consisting of Sebastian, hanging with Tessa, and work. I hadn’t dated anyone in nearly 5 years. I was only 25, but felt like I was in my mid-thirties. I didn’t hate my life, but I wanted something more.
I walked into the living room of my condo. I have success, I have friends, but I don’t have love. I looked over at the photos on the wall. Especially the one of me and Adam. I was not fooling myself. I loved him more than anything, and even stopped my life for it. It has always been that way. I had to release myself from the chains of Adam, but I couldn’t.
No one could understand my plight. No one could ever understand how it felt to suppress yourself to survive. Preventing yourself from being “too gay” for the masses to accept you. It felt as if I had a duty to prove to the world that stereotypes weren’t the truth. My skin was dark, and my lifestyle was alternate. Yet I was smart, and had become resilient. I had spent 10 years loving with no reciprocation, and three of them taking care of him. I was angry and frustrated. I played useless scenarios within my head, and I got no result. I ran from my true family, and just desired for someone to understand me the way I understood myself.
Lighting slammed on the ground outside, which meant a storm was brewing. The lighting derailed me from my thoughts. There was a knock at the door. I approached it cautiously, veering through the peephole. It was Adam.
It was 11 pm at night. The rain cut the sky into shards. I did not know what traveled through my mind to have me knocking on Kyle’s door. Yet I knew this: I wasn’t leaving until I told him what I felt. I knocked, and slowly he opened the door. He looked as if he was tired, or seemed as if he was crying beforehand. He let me in without asking me anything, which seemed very cold to me. His back was turned to me.
“Is there something you need Adam?” Kyle said, with his back still facing me.
“Are you okay? I asked, walking towards him.
“I’m fine.” He replied.
“Where is Sebastian?” I asked again.
“Tessa’s. Why are you here Adam?” He replied, turning around.
Something was wrong, I could sense it, and I was wise enough to know I had to be me.
“I love you.” I said removing my hood, which was soaked.
Kyle paused, looked to the ground, and said, “When did you decide this?”
“Does that matter?” I said, confused. He hated me. I could see it all over his face.
“Yes. It has been ten years, and now you decide to love me?” Kyle said angrily.
“You knew how I felt about you long ago!” “You don’t get to decide when to love me!”
He was livid. He was right, but that didn’t change the way I felt about him. I watched him as he let out all of his frustration and sorrow. I knew that he loved me, but I had failed to see how much I had destroyed the insides of him.
“Are you done?” I asked as he was heavily breathing.
“What? How dar-“
Adam pinned me against the wall before I could finish. His lips crashed into mine. I hated him. I wanted him to erase himself from me. I wanted to fight him; I needed to keep him away from my heart. I grew weak. I wanted this. No matter how hard I tried to fight it. Adam was so warm, his scent was so powerful and smooth. Our lips separated, and I opened my eyes. Adam’s eyes were a piercing blue, and I had become enthralled by them.
“I’m sorry.” Adam said softening his expression.
“Did I tell you to apologize?” I replied, turning away from him.
I couldn’t breathe. Adam stood between my thighs, and beneath me he was growing. He and I were never this close, let alone any man. I was all talk, and Adam could see through my façade. He thrusted, and I let out a moan. The area between us was stifling. Adam let out a chuckle. He grabbed my face, and kissed me again. This kiss was more gentle, fiery, and spicy all at the same time. This was the essence of a man combined with raw passion and lust, and it trampled all over me. He went for my neck, attacking it like a madman. I couldn’t control the sounds escaping from my soul.
He carried me to my room, and placed me down on the bed. Adam towered over me as he removed his shirt. His shoulders were broad, while the outlines of his body illuminated under the broken moonlight. I removed his pants, and revealed his aching member. Without second thought, I engulfed it. It had been a while seen I had faced something this big, but I had no trouble remembering what I could do. Skillfully I went up and down on Adam’s penis, producing grunts and heavy moans.
“Kyle.” Adam called in a broken voice. “Stop.” He said as he lifted my chin.
He kneeled before me, and began to remove my thin button up gently. I lifted my pelvis, and he removed pants. He gently pushed me on my back before taking me into his mouth all at once. He gagged, which produced a slight giggle.
“I’m not very good at this.” He said, looking me in my eyes.
“Do with me as you want.” I said, pulling him onto me.
My fragile strength was broken. I was pulled into his gravity, and sucked into his black hole. I led him to the lube. This was the moment ten years overdue. Adam lifted my legs, his hands were slightly rough and big. He led himself to my hole, as I grappled his neck with my hands. He slowly entered me, while I took the pain. He was worried, but I wanted him to continue. Minutes later he began gentle and slow. His chest collided with mine, as my hands slipped up the sides of his body. His muscles were prominent, but I couldn’t focus on them. Adam quickened his pace, and couldn’t catch my breath. His head was buried in my neck; stubble raked across my skin and endless muffled grunts escaped from his mouth. I had lost all control, I was lost in euphoria. I couldn’t determine where I wanted to touch him next. The more I moaned, the harder his thrusts became. He slammed into me one final time, and grew stiff. He unleased himself inside of me. It was warm, and filling.
He lifted me again and threw me on my stomach, lifting my ass in the air.
Lust had overcome me, and I wanted to split him in half. I guided myself to his hole once again, sliding all the way in. I placed my hands on Kyle’s ass, and began the onslaught. His hands gripped the bedsheets, while broken moans escaped his lips. The sound of my cum within him turned me on even more. I placed my hand on Kyle’s cock. He tried to fight, resisting my assistance. I lifted him against torso.
“You are in no position to resist me.” I whispered into his ears.
He tried to respond, but I continued my pounding. I wrapped my around his cock, pumping with all my might. His back began to sickle, and soon after he exploded, crashing to the bed. I wasn’t done. As his body tried to handle the orgasm, I kept my brutal pace, but I was close. Soon after I climaxed within him again. I pulled out, and out came spews of cum. Kyle collapsed to the bed, and so did I next to him.
“I hate you.” Kyle said, breaking the silence.
“I love you too.” I replied.