Every time I came to the United States of America my body had a hard time to get used to the time difference. I woke up at 4 o clock in the morning and couldn't go back to sleep. I felt Sven's hand on my chest and one of his leg on mine. Without waking him up I managed to crawl out of bed. With almost two more weeks till I could start my new job, I was sure my inner clock would be ticking correctly. I went downstairs and turned on the TV. I didn't expected that the news are on already at 4 o clock in the morning but I found a channel with news. Ktla5. The just showed a breaking news with a drive by shooting right in our new neighborhood. Gang related the newsman said. I never thought about it before but LA was a dangerous place to live. I was not concerned about myself, more about my son and Susan. And with another child on its way. Well I made a decision and I had to live with it. Half an hour later i heard footsteps down the hallway. It was Sven. "Hey sunshine, couldn't sleep ether?" He smiled at me and when he reached me he kiss on my fore head. "Hey my man how are you? I still have the German time in my system so it probably takes one more night to find the rhythm" I said and smiled." They just showed a man was killed right down the road. It's quite dangerous here" I finished. Sven's eyes looked deep into mine and when he started speaking I sensed concern in his voice. "I should never agreed to your plans to come back here. I know the streets of LA. Not the safest place on earth. We should have stayed in Germany." I stood up and took him in my arms. "Hey we just arrived. Let us settle in and if we still have doubts about our safety then we can talk about it my love. Ok?" His eyes met mine and he nodded lightly. He told me he will install at least some cameras to make the house and the yard save. We both heard running footsteps and turned around. "Papa, daddy I can not sleep anymore. What language are you talking?" Hans asked. "Son that is English and you will speak that language too. You got to go to a English school someday" I told him and his eyes went wide. "Oh ja" he yelled. I smelled fresh bacon and coffee. "Where is mommy?" Sven asked. "Oh she's in the kitchen, she want you both to come" he said and started dancing. "I learn English" he sung again and again. We both laughed.

So we settled in. Hans couldn't go to kindergarten until next year. The enrollment period had already ended and there was no place available for him. We had a big move in / house warming party. Greg and friends, Sven's dad without mom, she still was in reha and a few of the Goldman's old neighbors. The party went until the morning hours. Sven and I let Greg and Andrew use our bathroom for you know what. Since we had no outside jacuzzi Sven promised to install one ASAP.

Susan found a new gynecologist and in her 24 week she made one of those 3D picture of the baby. It clearly showed a little penis in the front. So Sven will be a dad to a baby boy. He already decided on a name. His grandpa's middle name Curtis. We had another party that same evening.

I started my new position on the first of August. My co workers were the same age as I was. Five Germans and four Americans. I told them from the beginning that I was gay and lived happily in a relationship. Everybody excepted it. After a few weeks with a lot of overtime I managed my new position as branch manager pretty well,I guess. Sven started working for Cassandra again. Street worker. Margot, my half sister called one day, I think it was the first week in August and told me that my apartment was burglarized. "They searched the whole place but didn't took any valuable staff." She said. I asked her if the TV and the Bose system was still there and she confirmed. "The only thing they took was your laptop". She gave back. I thought that was really weird. So not only LA was a dangerous place.

Sven and I were happy as never before, until I made a bad decision. I asked him one night after fabulous sex if he would come with me to see his brother in jail. I wanted to tell him first hand that we are married. Sven was quiet for a while and when he started talking he declined without looking at me. "I'm not going with you, if you wanna go your welcome but I don't want to see that son of a bitch". I was kinda shocked to hear those words out of his mouth. I knew what Sean did to Sven but I thought Sven was over it. "Come on you can not hate him forever". I said and that was probably the worst thing I could have said. Sven's head flushed red and he slowly turned around to face me. "I am sorry, but he raped me twice and every time I ..." He stopped mid sentence. He looked away and walked away. I wanted to know what he was about to say so I stepped in his way. "What every time?" I asked but he just shook his head. My anger grew inside of me and I shouted at him" oh ja again. You got trust issued you know that". He didn't turned around but he stopped walking and suddenly he yelled at me. "Oh you dr Freud now. You can read my mind now. Victor drop it ok". And he felt silent again and left the room. I was so furious. How can he be so stubborn. If he don't want to see his brother is one thing but why did he started to say something and didn't finished it. I understood that his relationship with his half brother was over. And it was only understandable that he would never find the strength to forgive him. He didn't came back to bed until 1 hour later. I sensed that he wanted to be left alone, so I didn't said anything. Usually he tries to touch at least a part of my body when he fells asleep. But not tonight. He just turned around. Yes I was stubborn and I was pissed so I turned around too. I knew he had to go up earlier as me and I stayed in bed. I wanted to avoid having another discussion at the breakfast table with Susan and Hans around. So I laid in bed and waited till he was out of the house.

In the kitchen waited a surprise for me. On my plate was a vase with a white rose. And a note with" sorry for yesterday. We have to talk tonight. Love you". I looked at Susan and she smiled. "Do you realize how much he loves you?" I was perplex. Hans was eating his pan cake and didn't paid any attention to us so I asked Susan". What did he say?" She shook her head. "Not much only you two had a bid of a fight. What was it about?" I don't know if I could tell Susan about what Sven and Sean had in the past so I was very careful" we'll I asked him yesterday to come with me visiting his brother in jail. He and Sean are not going along so well and I thought....but it's to deep in Sven so he don't wanna see his brother anymore". Susan looked sadly. "But what happened between them that he won't see him?" "I can not tell you what happened, that will be up to Sven but I can assure you it's bad." I replied. We heard sirens outside on the street. Usually we hear them driving by but this time it seemed they stopped right in front of our house. More sirens and trucks honking. It made me nosy and I went to the main entrance. We had a hedge, about 8 foot high as a sight cover from the street. But I could see at least three fire trucks and one ambulance standing in front of our gate. With only a PJ pants and my rope I walked slowly to the gate to see what was going on out there. When I reached the gate to open it I saw Sven's car still standing there with his trunk open. Why was his car still there. He should be at work by now, I thought. Automatically I opened the gate and stepped on the walkway. At least 6 police officer were surrounding Sven's car and two medics were kneeing behind the car. I wanted to step closer but was stopped by one of the officers in black. "Excuse me sir, this is a crime scene. I have to ask you to stop right here". I looked at him puzzled. "Crime scene? What happened" and yet stepped furtner. And I saw Sven laying on the ground with a pool of blood around his head. Oh no another drive by shooting. No no no. The officer held me back when I tried to move even closer. " Sir please". I only could scream". Sven" and wanted to get out of the officers grip. "You know him?" He said." Yes he is my... Husband"I finished. The officer looked in my eyes and the only thing he said was an stretched ohh. He looked exactly like the one character in the southland show on TV. The one with the divorced wife and custody battle over his son, only older. I thought maybe around 45 or 50. I expected some stupid comment but the oh was the only thing he said. "What happened? I asked a bid to loud." Your neighbor across the street called the police after he witnessed your husband having a fight with one unidentified man." He pointed at the house right across the street where I saw an older man standing. " I don't understand. What man and why is he laying on the pavement? Is he ok? Can I see him please?" I fired at the officer. "He is unconscious. And his head injury is pretty severe. The paramedics will take him to the ER." He said. I didn't heard one word. What happened out here I thought. I saw another police car arriving and out came Dough, the police officer who came to the wedding with Cassandra. "Hey, how are you?" He addressed me. I only could stumble " Sven is hurt". Then he turned and asked the officer what happened. He explained the same to Dough as he had told me. "Man Matthew, didn't you checked the name. It's Sven Goldmann, he's working for SVU. If this is connected to one of his cases we are in deep shit here." Matthew looked sad now. "No I didn't checked the name yet. Oh shit ill better call in" and he left. "Listen victor. You better get dressed. They gonna take him right now and I'll stay with you till you can see him in the hospital ok?" He said and squeezed my shoulders. I still was not listening all the way. My thought was with Sven. I saw the paramedics pushing him inside of the truck. With sirens they took of. I was kinda shocked. I was paralyzed. Dough snapped me out by taking my arm and pulling me inside our front yard. "Hey go change you cloth. I see what I can find out. "He said and I ran inside. Susan looked at me with tears in her eyes and Hans was crying too. " what is with daddy? He cried. I took him in my arms. "Daddy is ok he's just tiered." To Susan I spoke in English. I hoped she understood what I told her. I explained what was going on and that he's taken to the ER. She sobbed, but stopped crying when I told her that I was going to see him and she has to be strong so Hans wouldn't be scared. She nodded and kissed me softly on my mouth. "Give him a kiss from us" she only said.

I changed and was out again in a hart beat. Dough was waiting on his police car. "Come on hurry" he shouted. Inside the car I bombarded Dough with questions. What happened, why Sven and who did it. He couldn't answer any of my questions. "I only know he must have known his attacker. If he don't know somebody he wouldn't have turned his back to them. Police standard". "What police?" I asked. Dough starred at me. "Oh my good you don't know". I was lost. What did I don't know? I looked at the side of his head. He only looked straight ahead to avoid a crash since we speeded with sirens and lights. What the hell was going on. " Sven is not working for Cassandra anymore. He is employed with the Los Angeles police department." Dough said very slowly and calmly. I was anything else than calm. "What does that mean?" I wanted to know. Dough exhaled loudly. "Oh shit I thought he told you. He... is attending the police academy to become a police officer or better in his case a detective . SVU asked him to join in after he came back. He is still working as a street worker for right now until he passes." Now I was out of my mind. He didn't told me that he will be a police detective. Oh my good. But I pushed my anger away. The only thing I could think of right now was Sven and his injuries. " how much longer?" I asked. Dough looked at me in surprise. " how much longer does it take to go to that fucking hospital " I screamed. He looked even more surprised. I know instinctively I made a mistake to let out my anger on him. "I'm sorry but I don't know what to think. I'm worried about him and I'm angry at him. All in the same time." I tried to explain. He just shook his head. "No need for an apologies. I think I know what you are going thru right now. Important right now is that he is ok. " yes he was right. Finally we arrived. In the ER Dough was looking for a nurse to find out where Sven was. He came back to me with a bad look in his eyes. "He still in surgery. He has an broken skull. But the doctor will tell us more when they are done. We have to wait." Oh god more bad news. I couldn't stand it anymore and started crying. Dough took me in his arms and sat me in a chair.

The minutes seemed to be hours. One hour after the other past by without knowing what was going on. Dough left the hospital shortly after I was calm enough to be on my own. The nurse he was talking to came twice to check on me. She was very motherly to me. Finally after an eternity, well it felt like to me, a doctor came out and asked for my name. He started to explain the condition of Sven in his medical a turn. I stopped him and asked him to made it as easy as possible so I could understand what he was talking about. I was way to exhausted to concentrate on the medical phrases. "Mr. Goldman, your husband has a severe head injury". I know that already, the officer already told me that. "Due to that I jury his brain was traumatized, and it will start to swell inside his skull. To avoid to do even more danger to him we placed him in a seduced coma". Oh my good I thought. I was in a coma for 9 month. My knees couldn't hold me anymore and I crashed on the chair,clutching my face with my hands and started to cry." Don't worry" the doctor started again and squeezed my shoulder. "It's a coma based on medication. As soon as we stop giving him the medication we are able to bring him out of that coma. But for right now is the best for him. We are counting on having him seduced for at least 5 days. Depends on the swelling inside his skull". He stopped and waited for me to recover and smiled. "Thank you doctor, can I see him?" I asked.

He brought me to Sven. When I saw him I thought. Did I look the same when I was in that coma? I guess so. I heard the peeping and saw his heart beat and breathing monitored. Half if his face was covered in bandage. But still he looked so handsome. I took his hand and squeezed it lightly and whispered " I love you". The doctor still behind me made a silent cough to remind me he was still there. "You an stay for 15 min. but I have to ask you to leave after that "he said. I could only look at Sven. All my anger was gone only one question was on my mind. " am I able to hold him ever again?"

The next day I went to work knowing that I can not sit on Sven's side the hole day. But at work I couldn't concentrate. My co worker sent me home. At home it wasn't even better. Susan tried to calm me down but I was a wrack. The only thing could lite up my spirit was Hans. I needed something to kill the time with until I could spend one hour with Sven in the evening. I took Hans and Susan to the LA Zoo and to Queen marry and to the Pacific Ocean museum in long beach, just to stop thinking of poor Sven. And every evening after t read him some pages out of his favorite book " it by Steven king I drove home crying. The week seemed to last forever and on Saturday the doctor called me. "Victor we reduced the medication so if you want to be here to see him waking up it would be a good time to come right now" he said and I started crying again. I spoke with dr Breelan almost every day. He assured me that Sven would be ok. His EEG showed no abnormal results and no flatline. That would be the worst case scenario. Running up the steps to the second floor I was stopped by the nurse. "Dr Breelan want you to wait till he is out of Sven's room" she said with a concerned look. Oh my god I thought what's wrong. I asked the question but she told me to wait till the doctor could explain. Here I was again worried for Sven's safety. I couldn't sit in a chair so I passed through the corridor. Luckily Dr Breelan came out only after a few minutes. "Victor, he is fine. He speaks and his eyes are reacting normally. Never less he don't seem to remember what happens." I let out my breath deeply and interrupted the doctor with it. "We'll that is normal isn't it?" I asked. He laid his hand on my shoulder. " unfortunately he don't remember his name and where he lives. " now I stopped breathing but he continued. "Memory loss is not uncommon with heat injuries. In Sven's case it is only the short term memory he is lacking. I made some tests and he reacted at his moms name. But not at yours. I'm sorry. I hope that a familiar face will bring him back. But just I case he don't recognizes right now please don't push it. You would do more damage than good.do please be patient. Within a few days he will recover I hope. " He finished and lead me to the door. My mind was racing again. What if he don't remember who I was. What if he never ever remember? How I'm supposed to react? Slowly I opened the door and stepped insight. His left half of the face was still in bandage but with his right eye he looked at me puzzled. "Sven how are you my love?" I asked and he looked at me surprised. "Do I know you? He asked and my world broke apart.



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