I didn't know how to feel. Upset? Of course. The love of my life was leaving me. Angry? Perhaps. Jesse was the reason this was happening, but it wasn't under his control. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't anyone's fault really. Confused? Very much so. What did this mean for us?
I had sat on Rayne's bed for almost an hour trying to figure out all my emotions when I heard a light tap on the door. Jesse invited himself in moments later and looked at me sympathetically as I was clearly an emotional wreck right about now.
'Can I have a word?' he asked politely.
I nodded my head and kept my gaze on the ground.
'I'm really sorry about this. I know how close you and Rayne are. It was never my intention for this to happen,' he apologised. 'We leave in two days.'
'It's okay,' I managed to say, 'I know this isn't your fault. Congratulations on the promotion.' I feigned a smile and shook his hand almost as a sign to say that our conversation was done and I wanted to be by myself. Jesse took the hint and soon left me to my own thoughts once again.
I had always distanced myself from people previously so I wouldn't get hurt so this was a whole new feeling for me. This emotional panic of not knowing what to do or how to react or what would happen in the future.
Two days? That's all I had left?
Rayne soon entered the bedroom and was eyeing my cautiously as if I were a caged lion. He sat down next to me and attempted to hold my hand but I just left it limply on my leg and averted his gaze.
'I'm sorry,' he repeated himself.
'Do you love me?' I asked him.
'Yes! You know I do!'
'Say that you love me,' I demanded.
'I love you, Brendan Thatcher, I love you more than anything on this planet.'
Rayne pulled my arm up and wrapped it around himself and he shuffled closer to me and now had his head on my chest looking up into my eyes. His sorrowful gaze nearly brought me to tears and I realised I nearly couldn't handle this any longer.
'What happens to us?'
He pressed his lips together as if he was in thought. I couldn't believe he had to take time to think about it.
'I don't know,' he finally replied.
'You don't wanna see if we can work this out?' I asked quite loudly.
'No, Brendan, well, yes, I don't know!'
'Long distance relationships work sometimes!' I shouted.
I pushed myself off him and stood against the wall, knowing that if I were to get any angrier, I might say or do something that I will regret.
'Brendan, please calm down. I'm just being practical and a long distance relationship practically isn't good for you,' he said.
I spun around, fired up even more so than before.
'And why is that?' I spat.
'It wouldn't be fair to you to stay faithful to me for however long I'm over there,' he replied quite timidly.
This had set me over the edge - what was he thinking?
'So you think I'm gonna fuck the nearest bitch as soon as you've turned your back? Is that how little you think of me? I would travel to the ends of the world, Rayne, I seriously would, and this is what you expect of me?'
'No, Brendan, I get that, but your feelings might change soon.'
'You don't know me at all, do you!'
My fists were clenched and I was walking towards Rayne who looked as frightened as he should be.
'I love you, Rayne, I fucking love you! Can't you see that?'
'Brendan, calm down, you're scaring me.'
'How can you love me when you think so little of me?'
'I do love you!' Rayne's sassy anger started to pick up and he was approaching me with a pushed-out chest.
'Why would you suggest that then?'
'I was thinking of you!' he screamed.
I let out a wicked roar and turned around and sent my fist straight through his wall. My knuckles immediately started to sting with immense pain but that felt like nothing compared to the pain my heart was going through.
'Brendan, if you're not going to calm down, then get the fuck out of my house!'
'I fucking will then! Have a good time in Perth, Princess!'
I stormed out of his bedroom and slammed the door behind me. I managed to get down the stairs and out the door without passing Jesse or Rayne's parents and I immediately got into my car and started to slam the steering wheel in fury. My fist was still writhing in pain but I couldn't care less.
I hadn't moved for several minutes and I saw out of the corner of my eye Rayne come flying out of his house and down the pathway and he was soon tapping on my window. He pulled my door open and stood with his arms folded against his chest.
'Brendan, please don't make this harder than what it has to be,' he said solemnly.
'You're making it harder! I want to be with you, Rayne! Whether you move to Perth or fucking Jamaica, I want to be with you regardless!'
'For now, that may be the case, but 4 or 6 or 10 months down the track, your eyes might wander and I won't be here to do a thing about it. It's only fair to you.'
'I can't believe it,' I said with a chuckle, 'you think so little of me. Fuck off Rayne, I've had enough of your bullshit.'
I pulled my door shut, turned my keys in the ignition and sped off leaving Rayne standing on the side of the road looking like he was about to collapse. I couldn't believe he had the gall to say that to me - I had proven time and time again that I was willing to do anything to be with him, whether it was come out to my parents and to the entire school and then go through all the hate and discrimination or meeting his parents and his overprotective brother Jesse. I did everything for him, and this is what he thought of me?
I stormed through my house, glad that no one was home, and immediately pulled the liquor cabinet open. I pulled out a bottle of old whiskey, shut the doors emphatically and disappeared into my bedroom upstairs. The first thing I saw was the framed picture of Rayne and I on my bedside table and I immediately took a long swig of the bottle and winced at the taste.
Six long swigs later and I was already nearly out of it.
'FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING BITCH!' I screamed out, staring at Rayne's beautiful face on my bedside table. 'CAN'T YOU SEE HOW MUCH I FURRKING LAAA YOU!' I began to slur so I took another swig and set the nearly empty bottle next to the framed picture.
'RAYNE, RAYNE, GO AWAY,' I began to sing.
I heard Braxton barking outside and soon my door swung open and my mother was staring at me in shock. She could see and smell the state I was in and saw the nearly empty bottle of whiskey on my table.
'Brendan, what has gotten into you?' she said with a gasp.
'I'm not good enough for anyone,' I slurred as the tears began to roll out, 'Rayne doesn't fuckin' love me anymore, that fuckin' bitch! I done so much shit for him and I get no fucking thanks for that fuckin' shit.'
Mum stared at me wide-eyed and grabbed the bottle of whiskey off me much to my chagrin. She called out to Dad who soon appeared and too saw the state I was in. Mum disappeared to the kitchen while Dad tried to lay me down and pull the blankets over me but I was fighting him.
'I can't believe I shared this fuckin' bed with that fuckin' prick,' I continued my drunken rant, 'I loved him sooo much Dad, like soooo fuckin' much.'
'Yes, I understand that son,' he brushed me off.
Mum appeared with a glass of water and placed it next to the framed picture. She kissed me on the forehead and looked down at me with tears threatening to come out.
'I love you son,' she whispered, 'please get some rest and we'll talk about this later.'
'NOBODY FUCKIN' LOVES ME!' I shouted. I reached over to the framed picture, picked it up and angrily threw it at the wall which shattered the glass and left a dent in the wall.