~Chapter 4.2: Finding Myself

I rock my hips back and forth at a painstakingly slow pace, so that I don’t hurt Amy. She had managed to get my dick hard after sucking on it for at least half an hour and now has both her hands on my lower stomach, keeping me from going too deep. My dick had barely been inside of her when she started bitching about how she couldn’t take any more of it. I had almost gone soft then, but thinking of how Elijah had taken it all helped me retain my erection.

I’m cupping and squeezing one of her perky breasts with one hand, while holding on to her waist with the other, and fucking her ever so slowly. I don’t want to look at her. I can’t look at her. I’m afraid my cock will deflate if I do, so I close my eyes and imagine that I’m kneeling between Elijah’s legs. I imagine that I’m balls deep inside of him and that he’s running his hands over abs and chest, urging me to fuck him harder. I imagine him moaning my name while he shoots his load all over himself without ever touching his dick.

Fuck, it’d been so fucking hot to see Elijah shoot like that. Hands-free. The way his body had shuddered and shook had felt so fucking good. The way his ass had clamped down my cock even tighter than it already was had triggered my own orgasm and I fucking exploded. I’d never cum so hard in life! Amy’s pussy isn’t quite as tight as Elijah’s ass, but it’ll have to do. I’ll have to rely on my imagination to make the most of this situation. I think back to when I’d collapsed on top of Elijah, our sweaty bodies melting together with the help of the cum on his stomach and chest. It was the best feeling ever. Hmm, I’m getting close.

“Jason, look at me,” Amy gasps in a demanding tone.

In an instant the magic is gone. I open my eyes to look at her and my cock is almost immediately soft and what little had been inside of her slips out and flops onto the mattress. It keeps shrinking and shrinking, until the condom starts to feel uncomfortable and I have to rip it off to make my dick breathe.

That’s another downside to having sex with Amy: I always have to wear a fucking condom. I understand why, but I didn’t have that hassle with Elijah. Fuck, why did I run out on him? Why did I avoid him all this time? Going so far as to avoid him for more than a week? I’m such a fucking idiot!

“That was disappointing.” Amy’s squinting at me and I hate how it makes me feel. Like I’m being scolded for something I had no control over. I could’ve handled, even accepted, it if it were someone else, anyone else, but coming from her, it just makes me really angry.

“Was it?” I spit. “Was it really?” I feel the anger bubbling up inside of me. “Well, maybe if you’d let me properly fuck you, we wouldn’t be having this problem!”

“You dare speak to me like that?” she shrieks.

“Yes, Amy! Yes, I fucking do! This would be so much easier if I was screwing Elijah, but I just had to be a fucking coward who’s afraid of his own feelings.” That last bit comes out before I know it and dread fills me. I look at Amy’s shocked face.

“What…” she squeaks.

I don’t answer. Instead I get up off the bed and start dressing.

“Jason?”

I ignore her as I slip into my jeans. I don’t know why, but I feel guilty all of a sudden. I pull my shirt on and run a hand through my hair. I suddenly feel like crying.

“Jason?” I hear her voice crack and it breaks my heart. No matter what hell she’s put me through, it still sucks that I’ve hurt her. Nobody deserves that kind of betrayal. Not even a soul-sucking harpy like Amy. “Jason, talk to me.”

I force myself to look at her. And that’s when my heart shatters. She looks so dejected. So defeated. So betrayed. I can’t stay here any longer. “I’m sorry,” I say softly, fighting against my own tears and dash out of the room. I don’t stop running until I’m out of her house and halfway to Jeff’s. I decide to sit down for a moment to catch my breath and recompose myself. I have to talk to someone I can trust. I take a deep breath and stand up, then I start walking towards Jeff’s house, my head down and hands in my pockets.

This is it. The answer to what I’ve been fighting with for the last couple of days. It wasn’t lust that had drawn me to Elijah. It was something else. It was something more than just lust and getting my rocks off. Ah, fuck! This is so frustrating. I feel tears welling up, but I blink them away. It wouldn’t do me any good to start crying like a little bitch in the middle of the street. And if I show up at Jeff’s with tears in my eyes, he’ll know something’s up and I would have to fess up. And I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet. I need just a little more time.

That’s when it hits me. “The Woods,” I say to myself. I’ll find the answers there for sure, so I walk over to the nearest bus stop and board the first bus going into town. I get out near the park and take a left into what seems like an abandoned road overgrown with grass and moss. I’ve been hearing about the Woods for years now, ever since I was in high school, and it had always intrigued, but never did I have the courage to go in search of the place. I knew where it was located, but something had always withheld me from ever going on that adventure. Something tells me that it was my own inhibitions holding me back, but another something tells me that it had been fear. Fear of finding myself and liking it.

The ground beneath my sneakered feet is soft and squishy. I can see footprints and even a few bike tracks, confirming that this place was frequently being visited by God knows who. I hear a sound and turn my head in the direction from where I’d heard it and my eyes go wide. Right there between the trees there are two guys; one holding onto a tree for dear life, while another fucks hard from behind. I swallow hard and keep walking, feeling my dick hardening.

After a few feet I hear another sound coming from my left. I turn to look and see another pair of guys making out with each other, their eyes fixated on me. The one with a buzz cut winks at me and I flinch, then the one with blonde hair waves me over, their lips never breaking contact. I don’t know what compels me, but I walk over to them without hesitation and when I stand next to them, they break the kiss and Buzz Cut immediately drops to his knees, while Blondie takes my face in his hands and starts kissing me. I don’t fight it. I’ve been fighting it for years. It’s time for me to let loose. Time to be myself. I kiss him back and invade his mouth with my tongue.

“Holy shit,” I hear Buzz Cut whisper as he pulls my jeans and underwear down, and my cock flops out, smacking him in the face. He grabs hold of it and lets out a soft moan, before popping the head in his warm mouth. “Hmmm,” he moans and I look down long enough to see his eyes roll to the back of his head.

I return my attention back to Blondie and take this opportunity to explore his body; the first time my hands have been on another man’s body, except my own and Elijah’s. I’m terrified at how good the contact feels. How natural. If someone had told me a few years back that I’d be in the Woods, making out with a dude, while another one was chewing on my dick, I’d punch their fucking lights out. Yet, here I am. I lift Blondie’s shirt up and start rubbing his nipples; he moans in my mouth and I moan back into his as Buzz Cut does something to my dick that sends a violent shiver down my spine.

“You’re dick is fucking delicious, bro,” Buzz Cut sighs as he comes up for air and strokes my spit-slicked shaft in both hands. “It’s fucking huge and delicious.” Then he devours it again, taking it only halfway, not able to take it all. He moans and the vibrations send shockwaves from my dick to the rest of my body.

My hands leave Blondie’s nipples and travel down his body, until they rest on his hips. I reach around grab hold of his ass. It’s kind of flat for my taste, different from Elijah’s, but it’ll have to do. I kneed his cheeks between my fingers and shove his shorts and underwear down, his cock swinging free and his ass being exposed. I waste no time and give both cheeks a good whack that echoes throughout the wooded area. He breaks the kiss long enough to let out a groan and then his lips are on mine again. I smack his ass again and again and again, until I’m sure that I’ve left my mark on them.

“Let me have some of that dick,” Blondie sighs and drops down to his knees next to his buddy. Buzz Cut aims my dick at Blondie’s mouth and I shove it in a bit too forcefully. It hits the back of his throat and makes him gag.

“Oh, shit, I’m sorry,” I say, speaking for the first time since this started.

“It’s okay,” Blondie reassures me and sucks my dick into his mouth, while Buzz Cut licks and sucks on my low hanging balls. He first sucks one then the other into his mouth, then he sucks them both in and it feels like he wants to rip them off my body and swallow them raw.

“Fuck!” I exclaim as the tip of my dick hits the back of Blondie’s throat again and my knees buckle under me, but Buzz Cut’s got me covered. He keeps me steady with hands on my knees, never releasing my balls from his mouth. My dick slides out of Blondie’s mouth and he and Buzz Cut switch rolls, with Buzz Cut on my dick again and Blondie sucking my balls. I don’t know how much longer I can hold back, so I start to warn them, not knowing if they would want to swallow my load or whatever.

“Shoot all over our faces,” Blondie moans, popping my balls out of his mouth.

“Yeah, fucking drench our faces with your dick juice, man,” Buzz Cut joins in, sliding my dick out of his mouth.

I then start jerking my dick furiously, almost desperately. Beads of sweat forming on my forehead as I feel the tension in my balls building. Both Buzz Cut and Blondie have their mouths open and tongues out, waiting for my load. The sight is so fucking hot that without warning my dick erupts, shot after shot of cum ricocheting from my slit. One shot hits Blondie in the eye and another goes up Buzz Cut’s nose, but they never move from their position, so I aim the next few blast at their open mouths.

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” I shout as I fill their mouths and watch as they swallow every drop. The orgasm subsides and I lean back against a tree to catch my breath, but these fuckers are insatiable. They’re both sucking and slobbering on my dick, one on each side, milking me dry and swapping cum, which I find hot as fuck. “Oh God,” I pant as I feel another orgasm coming. “Oh God! Oh shit! Oh fuck! Oooooooooooh!” With nothing to grab onto, I ball my hands into fists and I start to shoot again and I swear that Buzz Cut is a fucking ninja, because he moves like lightning and catches the first shot in his mouth before it gets the chance to be wasted. Then Blondie’s lips wrap around my cockhead, collecting the remainder of this second coming.

Finally my dick decides that it’s had enough and starts going limp, slipping out of Blondie’s mouth, then they start making out, swapping my cum between their hungry lips. I notice that the ground where they’re kneeling is covered in their own cum and that their dicks are out. Seeing another man’s dick seems to snap me back into reality and as I absentmindedly start pulling my pants back, the two guys get up from their kneeling position in front of me, their faces devoid of all traces of my cum.

“Dude,” Blondie says with a grin, “that was fucking hot.”

“How come we’ve never seen you in the Woods before?” Buzz Cut asks, also grinning.

“I… I don’t know… I have to go…” I stammer.

“There’s no rush, stud,” Blondie says, “how about we give you our number and we can get together sometime.”

“Yeah,” Buzz Cut chimes in, “and maybe you can fuck us silly with your donkey dick.”

“I have to go,” I say again abruptly and start walking away, but then I turn around and look at them both. They look a bit disappointed. “Thanks,” I say with a smile and their faces seem to light up.

“Anytime, bro,” Buzz Cut says.

“And tell whoever it is you’re ditching us for, that he’s one lucky motherfucker,” Blondie chuckles.

I nod at them and turn to walk away again, only this time I don’t turn around or look back and when I’m back on the moss covered path, I start running. I don’t know why, but I run like my life depends on it. I feel tears rolling down my cheeks, but I don’t feel confused or frustrated, on the contrary, I feel fucking great. Like a weight has finally been lifted off my shoulders.

I don’t stop running until I’m at the beginning of the path again and that’s when I turn to look back. A smile creeps up my face and I suddenly burst into hysterical laughter and then I start to sob uncontrollably. I fall to my knees with my face buried in my hands and just sort of remain there for a few minutes, until I hear voices behind me. I wipe the tears from my face and start walking to the bus stop, hopping into the next departing bus and getting out near Jeff’s house.

I’m nervous. Jeff’s my best friend, but people have ended friendships over smaller issues. And mine is a pretty big one. Like my dick! I’m hilarious, haha. Ha. Ha. Oh God, what if he never wants to talk to me again? What if he kicks my ass and then never talks to me again? Oh shit, I want to turn around and go home, but I have to do this. I want to this. I step up to the front door and raise my hand to knock, but then I let it drop. You can fucking do this, Jason! I take a deep breath and knock on the door.

“Jason, my main man!” Jeff greets me when he opens the door and pulls me into a tight hug.

“Hey, Jeff.”

“Dude, were you crying?”

My eyes go wide. “No, I wasn’t,” I lie.

“Yeah, you were.” Jeff has a concerned look on his face. “Your eyes and nose are all red and puffy. Everything okay?”

I feel the tears welling up again and I look away.

“Jason, are you okay?”

“Can we go for a drive?” I ask after I’m confident that my voice wouldn’t crack.

“Yeah,” Jeff says immediately. “Of course! Let me grab my keys.” He disappears for a few seconds and returns with his keys and wallet in hand. “We could go grab a burger or something. My treat.”

“Jeff, you don’t have to…”

“My. Fucking. Treat. Don’t fucking argue with me.”

I’m taken aback by Jeff’s stern tone. “Okay, man, damn,” I say and manage to crack a smile.

Jeff smiles back. “Let’s go.” And we hop into his jeep and drive off into town.

A smile creeps up my face when we drive by the moss-covered path leading to the Woods and I wonder if I should tell Jeff about that as well. I probably should. I have to. He deserves to know everything. All of a sudden I’m not worried anymore about him rejecting me. I’m not worried about him never talking to me again. I’m not worried at all.

We order our food (burgers and fries) and head to the park. I find myself smiling yet again when pass the bathroom stalls where Elijah and I had sucked each other off. Jeff would be hearing about that too. I’m going to tell him everything.

Jeff parks the car in the park’s parking lot and pounces on his food, almost choking several times, but never slowing down. He’s like a child. Innocent, playful, and maybe even a bit naïve, but that’s what makes him Jeff. That’s what Jeff is all about. How could someone as kind and caring as him ever reject his gay best friend? Oh, shit. I’d just referred to me as gay. Have I finally come to terms with it? All of a sudden I’m nervous again, but then I hear Jeff choking and coughing again and it all just melts away.

We finish our meal in silence with the occasional chatter and joke in between. Jeff’s the first to be done and patiently waits until the last piece baked potato disappears into my mouth and the last drop of soda is gulped down my throat and into my waiting stomach. I heave out a content sigh and close my eyes for a few seconds. Okay, time to confess.

“So, what did you want to talk to me about?” Jeff asks.

I look over to him. “Well… Uhm… Wow, this is harder than I thought…” I chuckle nervously.

“Take your time,” Jeff says in a soothing voice.

I smile and the nerves are completely gone now. “I…” Nope, they’re still there. I take a deep breath. “I think that I’m… No, I don’t think, I know that I’m… Hoo, haha, this is so fucking difficult to say out loud. I’ve barely been able to convince myself of it lately, but I feel like you should be the first I officially tell this to.”

Jeff nods solemnly.

“Okay, here goes. Jeff, my best friend of half my life, I hereby formally announce that… I am gay.” Believe it or not, but after saying those three powerful words, a tremendous weight is lifted off my shoulders and I realize that I had been holding my breath the entire time.

Jeff is quiet for the longest time, his face expressionless. Dread fills me yet again and the tears start welling up in my eyes. “Jeff, say something,” I manage to say. “Please don’t stop being friends with me. I promise I won’t make shit weird. You’re like a brother to me and I don’t want to lose you.” I realize how unbelievably pathetic I sound, but I don’t care. Jeff’s silence is killing me and I just wish he’d say something. Anything!

Then Jeff smiles. He still says nothing, but he looks at me and smiles. “Dude,” he finally chuckles, “what the fuck?” And he laughs out loud. “Come on, man, give me some credit!” He punches my arm. “Did you really think I’d stop being friends with you, because of something like this?” He laughs again. “You had me worried for a moment there. I thought you were about to break up with me or some shit.”

I let out a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank God,” I laugh and the tears start flowing. “Fucking hell, dude, I… What did I do to deserve you, man?” I sob. “Like seriously, what?” And then I laugh.

“Ah, come here, you big baby,” Jeff says, puts his arms around me and hugs me as best as he can. “I’d give you a proper hug, but I feel that’ll have to wait till later. You have anything else to tell me?”

“I might as well,” I say with a smile.

“Well, let’s get to it. Spill your beans, bro.”

“I fucked Elijah.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

“And I told him that I loved him.”

A shocked expression spreads across Jeff’s face and his jaw drops. “Whoa.”

“Yeah.”

“Whoa!”

“I know.”

“WHOA!”

“And the word of the day is: Whoa!” I announce in my best impression of a 50s radio host. “Come one, dude, say something else.”

“So you told him that you loved him as a brother…?”

I shake my head.

“You told him that you loved him as… more than a brother…?”

I nod.

“Whoa!”

“Oh God, this again.”

“Dude! What the fuck?”

“Yeah… He came hands-free.”

“Dude…”

“Sorry, TMI,” I apologize.

“Uhm, no! More like NEI!”

“What the fuck is that?”

Not enough information. Get with the program, man.”

“I see…”

“Come on, man, give a brother the deets!”

And I do. I tell him everything. About the cabin, which he already knew and what lead him to believe that Elijah and I had a thing going on. I tell him about what happened in the bathroom stall. And then I give him all the gory details about when I finally fucked Elijah. I hesitate and wonder if telling him about earlier today would be too much information. I then decide that he deserves to know.

“Holy shit, you did what?!” His eyes are as wide as I’ve ever seen them. “You went where and did what?!” Then he bursts out laughing, holding his stomach and stomping his feet so hard that I’m afraid he’ll stomp right through the bottom of the car. “Oh, my shit,” he gasps after collecting himself. “Dude, you’ve had quite the exciting couple of weeks, huh?” And then he says, almost under his breath, “Shit, I’m so fucking hard.”

My ears are deceiving me. I did not just hear him say that. “What was that?” I ask.

“What you just told gave me raging boner,” he says matter-of-factly.

I frown at him, confused at what he just told me. “What?” I ask again.

“You heard me,” he says with a smile, but then the smile wavers and he sighs. “I don’t think I ever told you why Elaine broke up with me.”

This is the first time he’s brought up Elaine McAllister since our weekend in the cabin. “No, you haven’t,” I say carefully. “What happened?”

Jeff sighs again. “Elaine broke up with me, because I wanted to try anal…”

That doesn’t sound like a viable reason to break up with someone. “Really? That prudy bi—”

“Nah, man,” Jeff interjects, now looking me straight in the eye. “I wanted to try anal.”

I let that sink in for a while. Then my eyes go wide as the realization dawns upon me. “Oh,” I say.

“Yeah…”

“Oh,” I say again.

“Yep.”

“OH!” I exclaim.

“And the word of the day is: Oh!”

“Dude… are you…?”

“Gay? No. I mean, I could be, but I still like girls. Unlike you who, no offense, have been secretly batting for the other team. I think the kids call it ‘bisexual’? It’s all the rage nowadays.”

“Wow…”

“Yeah, we’re just a bunch of bromos hanging out.”

“Thanks for telling me, man.”

“Hey, if you had the balls to tell me that you’ve had sex with your stepbrother, I can sure as hell tell you that I’ve been dying to take it up the butt.”

We burst out in laughter and all the tension is gone. But then it’s replaced by a different kind of tension. My eyes drift to his crotch and I see the clear outlines of his boner pressing against the fabric of his shorts. I then look up just in time to see his own eyes drifting up from my growing erection. We both swallow hard.

I’ve never looked at Jeff in a sexual way. Ever. And I’m sure he hasn’t looked at me in that way either. Sure, neither of us had come to terms with our true feelings, until recently, but we were best friends. Brothers. It’d be a shame if we were to have sex right now and ruin our friendship, even though we’d shared our deepest darkest secrets only a few minutes ago… But something tells me that we’ll be fine no matter what. Why would we let something as innocent as consensual sex between two adult males, who have known each other for half their lives, come between us?

Jeff makes the first move, tentatively reaching out and placing his hand on my thigh, inches away from my now rock hard cock, but only after rolling up both our windows. He slides his hands over the outline and gasps. “Fuck,” he says with a nervous chuckle, “you’re big. I mean, I knew it already, but actually… feeling it, makes me realize just how big you are…” He gives my dick a squeeze and sighs.

I shiver at this touch. “Yeah, tell me something I don’t know,” I chuckle. I bite my lip and put my hand on the outline of the erection in his shorts. I give it a squeeze. “Fuck,” I laugh, “you’re hard as fucking steel.”

“Do you want to take it out?” he asks.

“Do you want me to want to take it out?” I shoot back with a smile.

He nods and lifts his ass off the chair, so I can tug his shorts and underwear down. His hard as steel 8-incher sticks up straight between his legs and is already leaking pre-cum. I wrap my hand around the shaft and give it a few strokes. Jeff moans softly.

“That feels good,” he sighs.

“Do you want to what feels even better?” I ask with a grin and without waiting for an answer I bend over and scoop the droplet of pre-cum up with my tongue. Jeff groans and I feel his hand on the back of my head. I need no further urging and suck his cockhead into my head.

“Oh, fuck!” Jeff moans. “Elaine never wanted to suck my dick.”

“She never did?” I ask, popping his dick out of my mouth. “That prudey bi—”

“Shhh,” Jeff shushes and pushes me back down on his dick. I smile around his dick and try to give him the best blowjob I can. I’m still new at this, so he’ll forgive me for not blowing his mind. “Oh, that feels really good,” Jeff moans. And it gives me confidence to try harder. After a few minutes he pushes me off. “I don’t want to cum yet. Let me suck you first.”

“Okay,” I say and quickly unbutton my pants. I lift my ass and with Jeff’s help I pull them down along with my underwear.

“Whoa,” Jeff whispers as my cock springs free. “It’s huge…” He wraps his fingers around the base. “So fucking huge.” Then without warning he’s on my dick, making me jump up and accidentally shoving half of it into his mouth, but he doesn’t choke as the head pops into his throat. He’s calm and collected and to my surprise (and horror, because everybody seemed to be able to deep throat a dick without choking) he swallows my dick to the balls without gagging.

“Oooooohhh shiiiiiiiit,” I moan out loud. He comes back up, sliding my dick out of his throat and mouth, until only the tip remains, and plunges back down. “Jesus fuck! Where’d you learn to do that?”

Jeff doesn’t answer. He starts swallowing, actively massaging my dick with his throat muscles, milking it and making me want scream with pleasure. It’s not long before I feel like I’m about to shoot and I warn him, thinking that he doesn’t want my load in his throat. And just as I’m about to shoot, he slides my dick out of his throat again, until my dickhead is resting on his tongue. I grit my teeth and claw at his shirt as I my dick erupts in his mouth. His eyes roll to the back of his head and he moans, sucking and swallowing every shot of cum that shoots from the tip of my penis.

After my orgasm subsides and my dickhead becomes too sensitive for him to keep sucking on it, I ease him off my dick. I’m panting like I’d just run a marathon and look over to him and smile. He smiles back and leans his head against the chair. That’s when I see that his dick is still hard and dripping an insane amount of pre-cum, so I grab hold of it and start stroking it like my life depends on it. Before long his dick is slick with pre-cum and he’s trying his best to stifle his moans and groans and gripping the steering wheel, until his knuckles are white.

“I’m gonna shoot, Jason!” he warns. “Fuck, I’m gonna shoot! Aaaaaaaahh!”

And boy does he shoot! The first shot hits the fucking roof of the car and is actually bested by the second as it damn near blasts from Jeff’s dick with such force that it splashes into the first one and completely obliterates it. The third shot seems to have a mind of its own, curves to the right and splatters against the closed window on Jeff’s side. The fourth streaks itself across the steering wheel and the fifth shot shoots straight up, but only manages to come halfway to the roof and gravity drags it back down, causing it to land on the hand still stroking Jeff’s cock.

Jeff shudders and lets out a half moan, half laugh. “Holy shit, that was intense.”

“It fucking was,” I laugh. The car reeks of cum and sweat. It reeks of pure manliness! And it turns me on so fucking much, but I feel like this is where we have to draw the line. So I let go of Jeff’s dick and bring the cum splattered to my face. Jeff watches me with anticipation and sighs when I suck and lick his cum off my hand.

Jeff pulls his shorts back up and I do the same with my pants. Then he grabs a box of tissues from the glove compartment and wipes up the mess as best as he can. “Ah, that’s going to leave a stain,” he mutters as he furiously wipes at the droplets on the roof. He rolls down the windows to let the car air out and we sit in complete silence for about five minutes. And that’s when the paranoia sets in again. The “what if” questions keep pouring into my mind and I fear that we may have just ruined a perfectly good relationship. I look over to him and see that he’s smiling. Then he looks at me and says, “Thanks.”

“For what?”

“For sharing this with me.”

“No problem, bro. You know I got you.”

“I know you do.”

And we bump fists like old times.

“Where’d you learn to suck dick like that?”

Jeff’s face turns an alarming shade of red.

“Are you seriously blushing after what we just did?” I laugh.

“You’ve got a point,” he laughs. “The cat’s out of the bag, so I might as well just come clean.”

“Oh, so there’s more to this tale of self-discovery!”

“You have no idea.”

“So what more is there to tell me, other than the fact that you wanted Elaine to fuck you with a strap-on?” I give him a teasing smile and he playfully punches me in the shoulder.

“Gloryholes,” Jeff simply says.

“Gloryholes?”

“Gloryholes.”

“Care to elaborate?”

Jeff smiles. “It started a few years back when I stumbled upon one in a public restroom. I’d seen them in pornos before, but never in real life, so I didn’t really pay attention to it, until somebody shoved their dick through it. I was curious at first, so I reached out and touched it. ‘Suck it,’ the guy on the other side grunted. I’d never held another guy’s penis in my hand before, so you can imagine that I was a bit scared. But when he kept on urging me to do it, I squatted down and quickly licked the head. It wasn’t bad. Luckily, it was a clean dick and before long I was sucking on it. I didn’t like the taste of cum at first, but I grew to really like it…” He takes a deep breath. “And that’s also when I realized that might not be totally straight. I’ve been sucking dick ever since.”

“Whoa,” I say with a smile, “you’re such a slut.”

He punches me in the shoulder again and starts the car. “And you’re an asshole,” he laughs. “One more thing though…”

“What?”

He leans in and puts his lips on mine. Just a peck, no tongue or any kind of lip action. “I’ve always wanted to try that,” he says with a smile. He puts the car in reverse and backs out of the parking spot. I’d forgotten that we were out in the open, but lucky for us the park had been virtually empty.

“Now let’s talk about the real elephant in the room, shall we?” Jeff says with a knowing grin. “You’ve come out to me, but what about telling Elijah how you really feel?”

“I intend to do that,” I sigh. “I just wanted to tell you first.”

“Aww, you’re such a softy.”

“Fuck you.”

“Not a chance, you fucking homo.”

“Says the kettle to the pot.”

And we both burst out in laughter.

“So when are you telling him?”

“I don’t know. As soon as fucking possible. Ah shit, can you imagine the hell I must have put him through?”

“I can only imagine. You’ve got to make this right, man.”

“Yeah, I know, but how? What if he doesn’t want to talk to me?”

“Well, you’ve been avoiding him ever since, so how do you know that he doesn’t want to talk you? For all you know he’s been banging some random dude he met at Club Banger Nation to forget all about you.”

“That’s oddly specific, dude…”

“Yes,” Jeff says and smirks at me, “yes, it is. But we’re getting off topic. You have to buy him a present. A gift.”

“Why?”

“To show him how sorry you are. I don’t know how it works with the gays, but the chicks love it when you buy them cute things. Chocolates, bracelets, strap-on dildos. Although I wouldn’t recommend buying him a strap-on. You know how that went with me.”

“You actually bought Elaine the strap-on you wanted her to fuck you with?!”

“Maybe, maybe not.”

“Duuuuuude! Hahahahaha!”

“It’s not funny. Now I’m stuck with a strap-on and no one to fuck me with it…”

“Or you could go out and get yourself the real thing?”

Jeff looks over at me. “I don’t know if I’m ready for that. The world is a dangerous place for guys like us. Especially green beans like you and I.”

“I know. Maybe Elijah can hook you up with one of his dancer friends.”

“I’m not sure if I’m ready to tell more people, but I supposed I can trust Elijah.”

“He hasn’t blabbed about him and me to anyone, as far as I know, so yeah. I think he can be trusted.”

Jeff smiles at me. “Okay. You got balls, bro.”

“How so?”

“Coming out the way you did after living a lie for most of your life.”

“You make it sound so negative.”

Jeff simply laughs out loud. “It’s all good, Jason. You’re my best friend and my brother. I won’t ever judge you.”

“Cool. But you’re the one with the bigger balls. Sucking dick long before I even thought about being gay.”

“You’re never going to let that one go, are you?”

“Never.”

We drive in silence for a while.

“This is terrifying,” I say.

“How so?”

“How will I tell my dad…?”

“Oh shit, I hadn’t thought of that. I’m sure it’ll be fine. You’ll have Kimmy on your side.”

“Yeah, I suppose so.”

“But first things first. Patch things up with Elijah. Make it right.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll do it as soon as I’m ready, okay?”

“Okay, bro.” He pulls into the driveway of my house. “Get out, homo. We’ll talk later.”

I step out of the car. “Thanks again, Jeff, for everything.”

“Don’t mention it, bud,” Jeff says with a smile. “Now go get your man.”

“Fuck off.”

Jeff backs up out of the driveway and honks at me as he speeds away.

“Hey, Jason,” Kimberly greets me as I enter the house, “I’m surprised to see you home so early. You usually come in a bit later or not at all!” She walks over to me and hugs me. She smells of roses and cinnamon.

“I just needed time to think,” I tell her and kiss her on the cheek. “Had to come to terms with… things.”

She smiles at me. Like she knows something. “Well, no matter what it is, I’m sure you’ll get through it. Your father raised quite the little trooper.”

“I’m not little anymore,” I chuckle.

“No, you are not,” she quips and pats me on the butt.

“Mom. Eew.”

“I’m sorry,” she giggles, “it’s just that my two boys have all grown up and before long you’ll be moving out of the house into your own and forget all about little ol’ me.”

“Aww, mom, I’ll never forget you.”

“That’s sweet,” she says and pats me on the cheek. “Speaking of little boys, Elijah’s not home right now. So, you’ll have to wait if you want to talk to him.”

“What? I didn’t say anything about wanting to talk to Elijah.”

“Just call it a mother’s intuition. I know you boys haven’t been talking again, but I didn’t want to interfere this time.”

I think about it for a while. “Where is he?”

“At dance practice. He should be finishing in about half an hour.”

“Can I borrow your car? I’ll go pick him up.”

“Yeah, sure.” She throws me the keys to her car.

“And another thing, do you think the pet shop is still open?”

“Probably, yes. Why?”

“No reason.” I shrug and turn to leave.

“Jason?”

“Yeah?”

“Fix it.”

I smile. “Yes, mother.”

So I take Kimberly’s car and drive into town to the pet shop where I purchase Elijah’s gift, then I drive to the studio where he usually has his dance practices. I’ve never actually been to the place before, so I don’t know what to expect. I park across the street and check my watch. I wait for about ten minutes when the doors open and about a dozen people, all dancers, probably, come streaming out, chatting excitedly and laughing. Then Elijah walks out accompanied by an effeminate looking guy. The two seem to be very chummy with one and other as they talk and laugh, the effeminate guy touching Elijah’s shoulder and chest. I don’t know why, but it really irks me, so I get out of the car, take the box from backseat and walk towards them.

Halfway across the street I begin to hesitate. What if he doesn’t want to talk to me? What if him and that guy are together? Nah, that’s not it, he’s totally not Elijah’s type. I approach him hesitantly, the box pressed against my chest. I’m nervous. Why am I nervous? Well, I did kind of break his heart into a million pieces when I told him I loved him, after which I didn’t speak to him for almost two weeks, so yeah, I am nervous. The soft whining and scribbling from inside the box makes me smile.

As I see Elijah standing there, my heart skips a beat. He looks as stunning as ever: he’s wearing a pink loose-fitting t-shirt and blue sweatpants; on his feet he’s wearing a pair of worn out sneakers that still look good enough to be seen in public with; his hair is messy, standing up on all sides; his brown eyes are concealed by a pair of sunglasses; and a sports bag hangs off one shoulder. A sheen of sweat covers his forehead. My God, he is a sight to behold. My very own vision of love. Goddamn you, Mariah, for giving such an accurate description of what I’m feeling right now, twenty-five years later!

The femme-boy says goodbye to Elijah, kisses him on the cheek and walks away. Elijah then turns my way and sees me standing there. We just sort of stand there looking at each other, me clutching the box with its contents growing restless and him looking gorgeous as fuck. He removes his sunglasses and I can actually see the hurt in his eyes. The look is like a dagger in my heart and I just want to walk up to him and kiss the pain away. Fuck, I’ve been such a fool. Why did I ever think that I would be able to go on living without him in my life? Why did I ever think that it was okay to hurt him? Why did I ever think I’d be happy with Amy Dawson and not with this beautiful man standing in front of me? I’m new at this, but I can at least admit to myself that I’m in love with him and that, if possible, I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

“Jason.”

He still knows my name, I think stupidly. “Elijah.”

“What are you doing here? Where have you been?” I hear the concern in his voice and I almost laugh with relief.

“I… I needed some time… to think… and… uhm… about stuff…” I realize how stupid I sound. Maybe I should just give him the box. I step up to him and hold it out. “Be careful. It’s still alive… I think…” Get your shit together, Jason! Of course it’s still alive! You can hear it scribbling against the sides of the box! Fucking idiot!

The faintest hint of a smile appears on Elijah’s beautiful face. “What’s this?”

“A box.”

He actually laughs now. “I mean, what’s inside it?”

I can almost shoot myself for sounding so unbelievably stupid. “It’s a… uhm… why don’t you open it and find out?”

Elijah sets the box on the ground and squats down to open it. When he does a look of surprise mixed with confusion and amusement spreads across his face. “Uhm, thanks for the dog?” The puppy pokes its head out of the box and takes in its surroundings. It lets out the cutest little groan and disappears back inside. “Is this your way of apologizing?” Elijah asks closing the lid of the box again. He takes it in his arms and stands up.

“It was Jeff’s idea,” I tell him.

“Aww, bless his heart.”

“Yeah, he told me girls like it when you buy them stuff.”

“Uhm, excuse me?”

“Ah, shit… I mean… Fuck…” I take a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

He says nothing. The look in his eyes is piercing, as if he’s trying to see into my soul. “You don’t owe me anything, Jason,” he finally says. “You obviously didn’t mean it when you told me you loved me.”

“That’s the thing, I did mean it.”

He’s taken aback by this. “Really?”

“Yeah, really.” I close the gap between, until the only thing keeping us apart is the box. I sigh. “I thought that all I wanted was your body, but when I was finally inside you, it changed everything. It was more than just lust. And when I told you I loved you… I… I didn’t know how to deal with it… Because I’d never felt like this before. Hell, back then I couldn’t even admit to myself that I could be gay…”

“You’re gay?”

“Yeah. Maybe. Yes. Yes, I am. It gets easier the more times I say it.”

“So, you’re not even bi? You just went from hetero to full-blown homo?”

“Yeah.” I can’t help but chuckle. “Can we go someplace to talk? I feel a bit exposed here.”

“Sure, there’s a coffee shop around the corner. I could use something to drink.” He smiles at me.

“Okay.”

“But you’re buying.”

“No problem. Give me the box, I’ll carry it for you.”

“Such a gentleman,” he chuckles as he hands me the box.

We then make our way over to the coffee shop around the corner. The sun is already setting and it’s getting a bit cold, so we take a table inside. I set the box under the table and hope that the puppy stays quiet. I have no desire to be kicked out for bringing him (her?) inside. I order an ice coffee and Elijah orders an ice cream smoothie.

“You really hurt me, you know,” Elijah starts.

“I’m sorry.”

“Let me finish… In that moment when you told me you loved me? God, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so happy in my entire life. Well, maybe that one time when I got the lead role in Mr. Darren’s Everybody Wants to Dance with Me theater production, but that’s not the point here. And then you just sort of stabbed me in the heart when you ran out and didn’t speak to me for what felt like forever. You didn’t answer my texts or return my calls. You avoided me like the plague. It’s like when somebody gets inside you and rips you apart, making you feel like you’ll never recover. Do you have any idea how that feels?”

“I… I don’t…” I feel very ashamed all of a sudden. I know that I’d hurt Elijah, but hearing him talk about it makes me hate myself a little. “I’m sorry. Fuck, Elijah, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay.” He reaches across the table to take my hand and I let him, even though we’re in public and anybody could see us. I don’t care. He smiles at me and all my worries fly out the window. “You needed time to think. This transition can’t have been easy for you. Realizing and admitting it to yourself is hard enough. Telling others? That’s even harder. I never had to go through that, because I was always so self-aware, but I can imagine what you’re going through right now.” He squeezes my hand. “I’m here for you.”

When he says that I feel the tears coming and I can’t hold them back. Elijah keeps holding my hand tight as I start sobbing. He softly strokes the bridge with his thumb which sort of soothes me and makes me feel good.

“Okay, you big queen, you’re making a scene,” Elijah jokes. “I know this is your first rodeo, but damn.”

I laugh through my tears and scold myself for letting my emotions get the better of me. “I’m a mess.”

“A hot mess. Come on, finish you’re drink. I want to go home. It’s been a long day.”

“How do you do it? How’d you do it all these years?”

“Do what?”

“This. Being you. Being… gay.”

“I don’t know, to be perfectly honest. Some people are natural born fags, some realize it when they’re in their teens, some when they’re middle aged, and some never do. Don’t look at me like that, it’s okay if we say it.” He winks at me.

I smile at him. “Okay, all done.”

“All cried out?”

“For now, yeah.”

I pick up the box as I get up and we leave the coffee shop. I feel relieved. Like yet another weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I put the box in the back seat and close the door. Elijah’s standing behind me.

“What’s up?” I ask him.

Instead of answering, Elijah takes my face in his hands and pulls me into a kiss. I freak out at first, because we’re out in the middle of the street, but this feels so right. So natural. And all of a sudden I don’t care anymore. I wrap my arms around him and pull him closer to me, and I kiss him back, pouring all my desires into it and letting him know that I don’t intend to let him go anytime soon. He opens his mouth to me. I slither inside and am welcomed by his hungry tongue. I feel the eyes of passersby on us, but I don’t care. I hear some making homophobic comments, but I don’t care. All I care about is Elijah in my arms, kissing me.

He breaks the kiss long enough to whisper, “I love you, Jason,” and I swear to fucking God that I’ve never felt so happy in my entire life. Well, maybe that one time when E$M was hired to play at the grand opening of the local mall, but that’s not what this is about.

This is about me, Elijah, and nobody else.


Note from the author: Hey there, guys! As promised, the newest chapter of "The Ballad of Jason and Elijah", delivered on time. This was a very fun chapter to write and I hope you all enjoy it! ;) The finale will be up soon! Stay tuned.

The one and only,

N!V3K

 

N!V3K

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