The next morning was a Friday. I went for a run and ate with Andy and went to work. When I was sorting stuff and getting ready to leave the station I got a text from Steve. It says 'sat nite?' and I texted back 'yes' and then he said 'where? Not my place' and I texted back again 'got it covered call me later.'
I started to drive over to where I usually start every day and I found myself just sitting there still in my truck for a few minutes contemplating what was happening in my life. Tomorrow night I get to live out a fantasy I've had for about three or four years. What would be the outcome of this thing? I'm certain that it won't wreck anything with Andy, but I worry about Steve. Will we want to do it again? Will it make things awkward if we don't? Will it hurt the work that we do together (finishing my tattoos)? What about his relationship?
I almost think it would be worse if we don't get this out of the way. There's been tons of sexual tension between us for a long time now. More on my side, for sure, but plenty on his side, too.
I texted him and said 'can you talk? Lunch? Coffee? I can take a morning break or lunch. Need to talk or see you.'
He called me pretty much after I 'send.'
'Hi. I'm free to talk now for about a half-hour, then I've an early appointment. Lunch is also cool if we need more time,' he said.
'Steve, I'm going nuts over here. I just want to make sure that this is absolutely what we should do. I am so attracted to you that I will absolutely explode if I don't get to be with you tomorrow night, but I just want to make sure, absolutely, that this isn't going to hurt any of the four of us or the friendship I have with you. '
'Second thoughts? I suppose we maybe aren't thinking this whole thing through entirely. But I am also going completely nuts and want you so bad I can barely think. Let's do it and see what happens. We have one whole night together to do whatever we have been thinking about doing to each other with no strings attached. '
'No second thoughts, just additional ones.'
'Come have lunch with me,' he said.
'You're not going to hit on me, are you?' I had to tease him a little bit.
'I might cop a feel or two, unless you try to bat my hand away,' he teased back.
'I might just put it where it should be. See you at what time?'
'You're too much. Noon?'
'Your place or mine?'
'Can you come to the shop?'
'See you then.'
Lunch was a good thing. I fessed up with my fantasy and told him where we're meeting tomorrow night. Part of the fun will be meeting there. Seven o'clock. He was very excited.
'Aside from the obvious pharmaceutical supplies, I'm planning on bringing some accessories, booze, pot and maybe a pizza. Sound okay?' Steve whispered to me across the table outside the coffee shop next door.
'Ditto on the other stuff and pizza sounds great. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 24 or so hours.'
'By having a romantic evening with Andy, that's how. That's what I want you to do tonight. Promise. I'm doing the same.'
'That's a great idea, actually. So, until tomorrow?' I said.
'I can't wait.'
'For me, that's an understatement,' and I squeezed his leg between my boots.
Steve blushed a bit and smiled.
I left and I could feel his eyes following me.
Saturday evening could not come fast enough for me. Andy and I had a great Friday night. Dinner out, bar and drinks with friends. We went home and fucked our brains out for about two hours. It was like the anticipation of both of us spending an evening with our friends tomorrow was an aphrodisiac in itself. We had a great time and collapsed into each other around 1:00 AM
Luckily I had Saturday off so I could spend more time with Andy and screw around. His rendezvous with Mark was at 5:00 p.m. - they were meeting somewhere for dinner. Sounded like an actual date to me, but Andy said it was a neutral place to meet and talk. The time was good, because I needed to leave about then to make a couple of stops along the way before I met Steve.
I made sure I had plenty of condoms and lube and booze and a little pot and a few toys and I made my way over to the particularly seedy motel that I booked a room in for the evening's festivities. It was still fairly hot out and the room was nice and warm and slightly humid - which is the atmosphere I wanted, believe it or not.
Right at six I began to have a bit of a panic attack. I did a shot of whiskey which helped. I was about to fuck one of my best friends, my tattoo artist, close friend of my partner, and who is now married! However, I could not deny the lust I've had for years in my heart about this man. The fantasies I've played out in my head, the things we'd do and say to each other, his hot body next to mine, I closed my eyes for a moment and smiled to myself.
It was nearly ten after six before I heard him coming up the stairs - at least I hoped it was him. Then I heard a kick at the door and I opened it. He was smiling at me, carrying a pizza, wearing his messenger bag and holding a grocery bag in the other hand. I took the pizza from him and the bag and he came in and plopped down on the chair near the door.
'Hey,' he smiled and said breathlessly. 'This is definitely pretty seedy!'
'Glad you like it - I think it's perfect. Drink? Pot? Pizza?'
'Drink and pizza definitely,' he said standing up, 'but first...' He grabbed me and kissed me, holding me hard against him and put his arms around my neck and held me in a passionate, romantic kiss for a few minutes.
'Wow, Steve! I'm glad you broke the ice a little - I have to admit that I'm nervous.'
'I am, too. But I'm overwhelmed with desire for you and that's helping push my nervousness away. I'm also hungry for food. Let's eat and talk.'
We ate the pizza and had some beer and laughed about stuff. He told me that his co-worker Miles was suspicious of us and said that I came into the shop like 'a wolf on the prowl.' I guess I'm there so much for work that he knows me pretty well. We talked about Mark and Andy - not the idea that they're together tonight, but just them in general. We toasted them and Steve said that he was still weirded out by the whole thing. He said he wished that he and I could just do what we wanted to and that our own men wouldn't be allowed to. I kind of felt that, too. We finished eating and sat and looked at each other for a few silent moments. It was slightly awkward and strange - me looking at him, sexy god that he is, but he had this vulnerable and innocent look on his face.
'That's not the Steve who slammed my cock in his mouth two days ago in a bathroom stall,' I teased.
'How do you know?' he teased back. 'I could just be sitting here planning my attack.'
I got up and went to the bathroom and he went in after me. Then he came out and said 'Can we change the lighting or something?' and I dimmed all the things I could and he came over and sat next to me on the bed. It was weird - I think we were waiting for the other to make a move. So I stood up.
'Come over here,' I held my arms open.
He stood up and slowly walked over and I grabbed him around his back and pulled him into me really hard and started kissing him. He pushed his pelvis into me and we kept kissing, our tongues fighting with each other, him reaching down to squeeze my crotch, me sticking my hand under his shirt and putting my other hand down the back of his pants and feeling his ass.
'I'm so hungry for you,' I growled in his ear.
'I want to consume every inch of your body,' he growled back and it seemed like we were in the mode I hoped for.
'Are you going to pound that huge cock into my ass like you threatened the other day?' I said breathlessly.
'Fuck yeah,' he said. 'I'm going to make you come so hard you'll think you left the planet.' He put his hand under my shirt and tugged gently at one of my nipple rings, which made me moan a bit.
'I'm yours to do what you want with,' I looked at him dead on in the eyes, 'I'll do whatever you say.' He looked at me with wide eyes at first and then he grabbed the bedspread off the bed and pulled back the blanket and sheet.
'Get your fucking clothes off then,' he said forcefully. I was glad he took the carrot. I sat down on the bed and started taking off my clothes, a little at a time while he sat in the chair in the corner and watched me take off every piece.
'Now get over here and start taking my clothes off right now,' and he was staring at my huge hard on and then he looked up at me and smiled. 'Damn, I can't wait to get on that huge fucking pole of yours,' which made me moan a little bit as I kneeled down to take off his shoes and socks. I kept undressing him while he sat there, although he had to lift his hips up to take down his pants and shorts.
'Now get over there on that bed and wait for me,' and I did what I was told.
A little tenderness took over though, as he climbed on me very softly and started kissing me all over my ears and my neck and my face and my eyelids and my nose and then he started moving his way downwards. He was even kissing my armpits, actually kind of sucking them, which made me squirm a little and giggle. He licked my collar bone and bit the tops of my shoulders and looked up at me and smiled.
He next made his way down to my nipple rings and was first biting and sucking my entire nipple and then he grabbed the silver ring with his teeth and gently pulled, running through that on each side. Every time he bit me or pulled on those rings I moaned and I felt like my cock was swelling even larger. All I could really do was lay there and enjoy it all and put my hands on his back or shoulders and feel his soft skin. I've also rarely gotten a chance to look at the entirety of his full sleeve tattoos and they were magnificent. When we had our little watching game early last week, I was too mesmerized by his cock to look at him more than that.
He paused for a moment and looked in my eyes and said 'you are so fucking sexy I can't believe it. You are like a Greek god laying there and I have you all to myself for this night. I'm so lucky.' I smiled at him and pulled his face down to me and kissed him softly. He smiled and sat back on his knees between my legs. He sat and looked at my dick for a long time and then he started feeling it all over and looking at it from different angles and it was making me moan and lift my hips a little and then he bent over and started licking my balls, taking each one in his mouth and giving each one a thorough tongue bath before letting go and taking the other one in his mouth. The whole time he was doing that he was gently stroking my cock and I could see the pre-cum dripping off the top onto his hand. He used that to give me some lubrication while he continued to work on me.
After he finished on my balls, he lifted my legs so my knees were bent and he put a pillow under my hips. He started licking me from my balls to my ass and his tongue was so soft I was getting up there pretty quickly. Then, without warning, pushed my knees and legs back and started exploring my ass with his tongue. I yelped slightly and grabbed my cock to start stroking it myself and he stopped and said 'uh uh, no, put your hands behind your head' and I did. He went back to tonguing me, finally sticking his tongue directly inside me and swirling it around inside my ass. I was fully on fire and didn't know what was next but I was getting so turned on that I thought I might not make it to the very end.
He got up and said 'stay right there - don't move a muscle and keep your hands where they are,' and I smiled and obeyed. He went to his messenger bag and got out some lube and condoms and then I saw a small dildo that just might have a battery but I couldn't tell yet.
He sat back beside my legs and put a little lube on his fingers and then gave my cock a little sucking for a few minutes and while he did that, he reached under me and started fingering my ass with first one finger, than two and he kept working at it, fucking me with two fingers and sucking me and I was starting to climb up into that zone where there's no turning back. Then he stopped and said 'put this on' and handed me a condom. My hands were shaking a little bit as I opened it and put it on and he gave me some lube, too, and while I had been putting the condom on, he was putting fingers into his own ass.
Then the little dildo made its appearance. He first got up and sat down on my now throbbing and even more engorged cock and I moaned really loud. Then he reached behind him and started working the dildo into my ass and moving it around in just the right places. I was moaning pretty steadily and saying a lot of nonsense and holding his hips and closing my eyes and moved some pillows under my shoulders so I could watch him better.
He was twisting and thrusting lightly into my ass with the dildo and then he looked at me and said 'are you ready to take off?' and I gasped out a yes with a nod and he turned the fucking thing on and it was a vibrator, too. He tipped it in me just so and it was hitting all the right spots inside me and then he started rocking his hips on top of my cock and also lifting himself up slightly and I was clenching my jaw and moaning and trying to push my hips up into his ass harder and suddenly I had this huge rush of warmth come over me and I was peaceful for a very brief nanosecond and then I started yelling and moaning and cursing and bucking my hips under him and I came really really hard and was panting and I was still bucking my hips into him and he took the vibe out of me and stayed on top of my cock, grinding his ass onto it and I finally threw my head back and yelled 'Ohhhh' really loud and he was laughing and he stopped his grinding on me and got off me and sat next to me while I closed my eyes and sort of hugged myself for a moment. Then I sat up and took off the condom and tossed it to the side and looked over at him. He was smiling broadly at me, his dick still somewhat hard and my eyes were all watery. I rolled onto my side and grabbed him and pulled him on top of me.
I wrapped my arms around him and held him for a moment in silence. He then whispered into my ear, 'how was that?' and I crushed him into me closer and couldn't really speak, I was blissed out and wrung and spent and on another planet.
He got off of me and sat next to me. I sat up and looked over at him and smiled and took his face and kissed him. I told myself inside, remember, sex, remember, sex, no funny things in your head about him, sex, sex, sex. Keep it together, sex only. Confusion settling in to brain, ignore, back to earth.
I finally was able to say something. 'Steve, I, uh, well, I, um,' and he laughed and I laughed and I said 'drink, before I work on that cock of yours?' and he nodded and he got the bottle of whiskey and we toasted with a shot and threw them back.
We went back on the bed and I sat and looked at him a bit and crawled over and started kissing him. I pushed him back so he was laying down and I climbed on him and pressed my whole body against him and kissed him and pushed my pelvis into him and he was more than half-hard. I bit his ears and neck and started moving down into his chest. I started running my tongue stud over his nipples and squeezing them at the same time and he was already arching his back and then pushing his hips up into my chest while I continued to tease him with my tongue.
By this point he was at full attention and poking at my chest as I moved down his body with my tongue. I got off him and sat on his thighs, my back to him, his cock and balls right behind my back and I started sucking on his kneecaps, which drove him crazy - he was laughing and writhing around under me and say 'stop, stop, oh, rusty, stop, stop' which made me keep going. Then I moved down to his feet and started sucking on his toes and that also made him go nuts again.
Then I turned around and went back to work on his cock. I started by grabbing it and lightly stroking it while I lay down between his legs and started licking his balls and under his sac, making sure to press my tongue stud against everything and rub it around pretty vigorously. He was moaning and moaning and tipping his head up and bucking his hips up slightly and I kept at it, stroking him a bit more vigorously and moving my tongue down to his ass. I swirled my tongue around his asshole for a while - he has the greatest ass and I couldn't get enough of it. I told him to get up on all fours so I could get at it a little easier. I kept stroking him a bit while I went back at his ass and stuck my tongue inside him and he was moaning a lot more and started to say stuff like 'rusty fuck oh god don't stop that feels so fucking good fuck oh god oh oh.'
Then I got off him and lay down and told him to start fucking me really hard and he grabbed some lube and he forgot to put a condom on, but I didn't care. He lubed himself up and played with my ass again with some lube and then lay down on top of me and entered me all at once, making me gasp.
He started thrusting away at me, fucking me a bit hard, staring directly into my eyes and my eyes were watering just a bit because he was pounding away at me so hard. My dick was getting hard again and he pulled out and put me on my side and entered me again, laying against my back and grabbed my cock and started stroking me while he fucked me like that for awhile. He was lasting a lot longer than I thought he might, which was great because feeling him inside me was the greatest thing ever. I am so attracted to him and his body is so hot I was getting more and more turned on looking at his sexy tattooed arm jerking me off while he was fucking me hard from behind.
He pulled out again and sat down with his back against the headboard and told me to sit on him facing him. I climbed up on his dick, which was completely huge and engorged. I sat down on him and he put both his arms around me and started biting my neck and shoulders and then putting his head down in my chest.
I grabbed his hair and pulled his head over my shoulder while I continued to move up and down on his shaft and then I sat on him and rocked my hips back and forth and grabbed his balls and squeezed them and he threw his head back and said 'fuck, don't let go, I'm coming, fuck, rusty, god, don't move' and I felt his hot cum shoot up inside me and I hadn't felt that in so long since Andy always wears a condom and it felt so fucking good to feel that warmth and the force of him ejaculating in me and he finally stopped and was moaning and panting and then I felt myself getting up there and started stroking myself while I was still sitting on his pulsing cock and he said 'hold on' and he lifted me off him and kneeled way down in front of me and finished me off with his mouth and I came inside him and he swallowed everything I gave him.
'Come here,' he said and he slid down into a laying position and held me and we were both sweating and he put his nose in my hair and kissed me softly all over my head and face. I sighed deeply and smiled to myself. It was still only about eight o'clock, which meant we had hours and hours more to explore each other, try more stuff, kiss, cuddle, fuck, and whatever we wanted to do.
We got up and I said 'Wow - that was fucking awesome. You are incredible.' He smiled and said 'you made me feel so great - that was intense.'
The rest of the night was more of the same. We took a break for awhile and smoked a little pot, drank some more, talked, laughed and then ramped up for another round.
Around 1:00 a.m., we both got text messages from Andy and Mark. They both said, 'see you in the a.m. at home' which I guess meant that our first rule of sleeping in our own beds was done away with. We were probably still too intoxicated to drive anyway. That's probably why they decided that.
I was glad because I'd have a chance to sleep with Steve in the same bed, hold on to him, kiss him, wrap my arms around him and feel his incredibly sexy body against mine.
So I got to live one of my fantasies. The problem is, I was already more or less in love with him for all this time. The only piece I didn't know was how he was as a lover. For more than four years we have become really close friends. When you have as much ink on your body as I and one person has done it all, you end up spending hundreds of hours with that person. We began to hang out more and during our hours together we'd talk about everything going on in our lives - Steve and I both shared shitty childhoods with physical, mental and substance abuse from our mothers and the men they had in their lives. We love a lot of the same movies, music, books and we'd talk about certain ones endlessly. The only thing I didn't officially know was whether or not he was gay back then. I knew he was, certainly, but he just wasn't ready to come out and acknowledge it. When he did, I was crestfallen. I didn't even get a chance with him as he already had Mark in his life.
I really love Andy, and I love the new relationship we have and the stuff we do together. He's fucking awesome in bed, he's gorgeous, kind, honest with me, all the stuff I need that I didn't get from my past relationships.
Now I've had this night with Steve and got a chance to explore that final part that I didn't know. It tipped me over the edge and I definitely felt love. What the hell do I do now? I shouldn't have even agreed to this scenario. As much as I lusted after him and fantasized about him, I should have passed on this experiment. Now here I am, in love with a man I can't have and shouldn't be interested in - he's married and I'm committed.
I even stupidly tried to tell him this in the middle of the night when we both woke up for a bit. I beat around the bush too much because half of me thought I shouldn't say anything and the other half thought I should tell him. But what would he do with this information? And if he felt the same way, what would we both do?
I woke up again and it was definitely morning. Steve was not there and I sort of panicked for a minute until I saw a note on my phone next to the bed that said 'be right back with coffee and donuts.' Wow. Sure enough, he came in ten minutes later, all smiles, looking fucking adorable, holding a drink holder with two coffees and a bag of donuts.
'Morning, Rusty! Brought you some breakfast,' and he set down what he was carrying and kissed me on the forehead.
'Wow - you're so awesome, Steve! Thank you!' and I stood up and hugged him - me naked and him fully dressed. He then kissed me on the mouth, and as I walked away to get my shorts on, he slapped my ass and laughed.
We sat down on the bed and put on the TV and drank coffee and ate a donut and didn't say a word.
'Do you have a time you need to be home? Before noon?' he asked me.
'Well, if they both said 'see you in the a.m.' I'm guessing we should be at home before noon, I suppose.'
It was about nine o'clock a.m.
'Did you shower yet?' I asked him.
'Nope - I thought maybe we could do that together.' He smiled and started to take off his t-shirt and his sneakers and then his jeans.
'I want to brush my teeth,' and I got up and he followed me into the bathroom and joined me.
After that, he took my hand with a smile and brought me back to the bed. 'We still have time to enjoy each other some more,' he said. I was sitting on the edge and he kneeled down and started kissing me, very softly, very sweetly and smiling at me.
'What are you doing to me?' I asked him softly and could feel myself getting a little emotional - my thoughts were running away from me.
'Are you okay? Do you want to fool around some more before we have to get going?' he asked me.
'Yeah, I do, absolutely,' I said. 'Can we talk, though?'
'What's going on?' he sat next to me with a look of concern.
'Well, I, um...' I started and instantly regretted that I started a conversation. We should really just fuck because this could be the last time ever that I get to have my way with Steve.
'Is everything okay?' he looked sort of concerned.
'Actually, it's nothing - I shouldn't be wasting time...come here,' and I motioned for him to come with me onto the middle of the bed.
'Are you sure?' Steve asked.
'Yeah - some other time...' and I reached him and starting kissing him, pulling him closer to me and I grabbed his dick through his shorts and was squeezing him and he was responding with a small moan and he pushed me onto my back and started kissing me a little harder and put his tongue in my mouth and grinded his crotch into mine and we both were rapidly getting harder.
He got off me and took his shorts off and then my own and straddled my face and we both started sucking each other, each of us pausing periodically to enjoy the other for a moment or two and then returning to keep pleasuring each other.
Steve stopped and said 'hold on' and he went back to his bag and got out yet another dildo, this one quite a bit bigger but not a vibe and then he quickly went to the bathroom and washed the vibrating one and came back and I was watching his hot ass as he was in the bathroom and I still couldn't believe he was with me - all last night and now this morning. God, he was so sexy.
He smiled at me and grabbed some lube and said
'let's try these on each other while we're sucking each other. I want to see how close we can come together. Which one do you want me to use on you?' and he had this wicked leering look on his face with a little smile.
'Wow - um, I'll try the bigger one,' and he handed me the other one. He came over and laid on his side instead of right over me and that seemed like a better position. Then he reached back over to the table and lubed it up a bunch and put some lube on me to mess with later and then he gave me the tube and I did the same. I was pretty quiet, I don't know why, but I was pretty excited to do this.
So we went back to sucking each other and I started playing with his ass and he was playing with mine and we were both getting very aroused and we were both moaning. Steve started putting his fingers in me until I think there were three and then started working this dildo into my ass and it was quite a bit bigger than I had thought and it made me moan really deeply from inside me. As soon as I felt it finally inside me he paused while I started putting the smaller one in his ass. Then we went back to work, he was sucking on my balls and lightly fucking me with the dildo and I was doing the same.
We kept going, sucking each other's cocks with the dildos in each other, each fucking the other and I was quickly rising up towards a peak and felt like I would come any second now. I guess Steve could feel that from me because my moans were getting louder and my cock was probably getting stiffer and he was also moaning a bit louder and I felt him trying to buck his hips a bit and thrust his cock into my mouth a little deeper. The big dildo in my ass was really hitting me right where it should and I felt that awesome rolling warmth and then it followed with a jolt and I started coming really hard into his mouth and right about then he was peaking and moaning really loud with my cock still in his mouth and his still in mine and then I couldn't take any more and was finished and at that moment he yelled really loudly, 'FUCK' and I felt him ejaculate really hard and he shot a huge load to the back of my throat and it tasted so nice and warm and salty and I swallowed and he delivered another three in my mouth and I swallowed all that he gave me.
We pulled out the toys and fell back on our backs for a moment and we were both silent but panting a little. We were laying head to toe and he was on my right and he reached down to grab my hand and he held it and squeezed it. Then he sat up and pulled me up, still holding my hand and he scooted over to me closer and leaned in and gave me the sweetest, most tender kiss and held my face with his hands and I was dying.
'This has been such a great night and morning with you, Rusty. I can't believe how nice this was. You're so sexy and have such an awesome body. I felt so great with you. Thank you for making me feel so incredible,' and he pulled me in for a hug and whispered to me 'you are something,'
I smiled but I felt my eyes watering up a little bit. I really loved him. Now there was nothing I could do. He saw my eyes getting wet and he said
'What's wrong, Rusty? What's on your mind?'
'Well, it's just that, fuck, Steve, I always knew you were gay and we've spent so much time together and I wish you would have trusted yourself and came out earlier, at least back then, because over the years and hours we've spent together, well, I fell in love with you; when you finally came out you already had Mark and I was really hurting inside because I never had a chance. Now I finally had a chance to be with you and those feelings have come back and I'm still in love with you,' and I started crying. Great job, Rusty.
Steve looked stunned but really focused in on me and held me and didn't say a word until I stopped sobbing.
'Rusty,' he held my face again. 'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I was such an idiot and didn't trust myself. I don't know what to say. I've always had a lot of strong feelings for you but could never admit that. I just returned to what was familiar to me and I was deeply in love with Mark and then I found out he waited for me. I'm still so attracted to you and I care so much for you and I thought that Andy was the answer since you always talked about him and how much you wanted to take him out.'
'I love Andy and I'm really happy with everything that's happened. But I happen to also be in love with you and I can't imagine that going away. It's going to be hard - really hard - now. I had a battle in my mind whether or not I should go ahead with this swapping thing because I knew this would happen. I just don't know what I'm going to do now.'
It was already eleven a.m. I got up and went into the shower without saying anything else. He followed me into the bathroom. 'Can I get in with you?' he asked.
I nodded and made room for him. We let the warm water fall over us and he grabbed me and held me close and I sobbed a bit more and he squeezed me closer and said in my ear, 'This is really hard for me, too...can we keep things as they are for right now and keep talking about this? I can't not have you around me - I would die.'
'Okay,' I said. 'Do you love me? Or are you too scared to say it or admit it?'
'Yes, to all,' and he kissed me again.
We finished the shower after that and each called our partners and said we were leaving now and that we overslept a little. We got dressed and packed up all the stuff we brought with us and before we exited the room, Steve stopped me.
'Please talk to me a lot. I want to sort all this stuff out with you. I don't know what that means right now, but I can't stand thinking about you hurting. But above all, I want you have a good memory of what we did last night and this morning. Remember all the fun, the pleasure, the closeness, and even the talk we had. I'm glad you were open to telling me what you were thinking - and I'm sorry that things weren't different. '
I went home and Andy was really excited to see me. He grabbed me and kissed me hard when I walked in and said that he missed me. I was glad to see him too. I held him for a few minutes and buried my face in his neck. He is so sweet. 'I love you, Rusty,' he said. 'I love you, too,' I said back, my lips brushing against his shoulder.
'Andy, I'm super tired - can we take a nap?' I was mentally and physically exhausted. I don't think I've ever had sex four times in one night and then again in the morning.
'Sure, honey. Anything you want to talk about?' he looked at me with concern.
'Not now, I'm fine,' and I walked back to our room and lay down.
I woke up around 4 and Andy came in and kissed me and asked if he could get me something to eat.
'I'm okay - I'm not hungry,' and I'm sure it was obvious that something was going on, but I didn't care right now if he could figure that out or not. I could only think of one thing - Steve.
'Do you want to have dinner with Mark and Steve?'
'Not really - did you all want to compare notes or something?'
'No, just sort of an 'everything's okay' get together?'
'No,' I said.
Andy was silent for a moment. Then he sat down on the bed and without looking at me said 'I know what's going on with you and I was sort of worried about you.'
'I think I want to go for a run,' I said and I didn't ask him to join me.
'Sure, sweetie,' he said, knowing I wasn't in the mood to talk. He left me alone. How is it that he's able to do this and I can't?
While I was running, I couldn't stop thinking about Steve and what I revealed to him this morning. When I was about two miles from home, I slowed to a walk and called him.
'Hi, Rusty, everything okay?' he said without saying hello.
'No, not really - I'm out for a run right now trying to think about everything and I'm upset and can't shake it. Did you and Mark really want to have dinner with us tonight?'
'It was his idea and I was on the fence. I told him to see if you two wanted to go and then I'd decide.'
'I told Andy no and didn't say why. But he definitely knows I'm not feeling great right now.'
'Well, Mark told me some things that Andy said to him last night when they were talking. So, what can I do that will help?'
'I haven't any idea, Steve. I just want to cry and curl up in a ball in my bed. I'm sorry I'm putting you through this - I've tried to hold back all this stuff for so long and I guess last night sort of opened it all up again.'
'Can I see you tomorrow? Are you off? We could have breakfast or lunch or coffee and just talk?'
'Can you hang in there?'
We said goodbye and I heard a horn beep. Andy was pulling up to where I was sitting. I guess I always run the same route.
'Get in, honey,' he said, motioning me to the passenger side.
I got in and he held my hand.
'Okay,' he said. 'I'm going to get this out because I want to help. You're in love with Steve, aren't you. You've felt that way for years now. You've suppressed that. You fell in love with me. Last night you were with him via this game that Mark and I planned and those feelings came back and you're miserable. You love him and you love me. You're hurting because you didn't get a chance with him before.'
I burst into tears.
'It's okay. We can work this shit out, really. I promise. I told Mark last night that I knew this would happen. He feels bad.'
I couldn't look over at him. I was still crying, softly, mostly to myself.
'Did you tell him?' I nodded.
'Does he feel similarly?' I shrugged my shoulders.
'Don't lie - I won't say anything to Mark.' I nodded.
'Wow. I guess I completely fucked all that up by what we did. Fuck, Rusty, I'm so sorry. I really didn't intend for this to happen and when we did the watching thing the other night it still hadn't occurred to me. But after we made the plans for last night, I started to suspect that was what was in your mind.'
I sniffled a bit and stopped. 'This was a horrible idea, Andy. If you suspected it, why didn't you cancel the whole thing or something? I'm just fucking miserable.'
'Do you want to leave me?'
'Fuck no. I love you - you're fantastic and I'm so glad we're together. But some things just don't go away. You love Dan, you contacted him again and started up with him. You only stopped seeing him because I insisted, although I know he's still contacting you. I think I could have moved on had we not gone down this road of watching each other and then agreeing to this night of swapping partners. Why did you want to do this?'
'Well, I guess I'm kind of a deviant or something. I haven't been able to stop thinking about Mark and I'm really attracted to him. I guess I wanted a somewhat guilt-free way to have sex with him and not make it seem like an affair. I love you so much, and I love that we're together, too. I always have this side of me that doesn't think straight and selfishly wants, wants, wants.'
'Why do you want a committed relationship if you're so distracted with this stuff?'
'Because I need a partner - I need someone to share life with. And I fell in love with you immediately.'
'This could really fuck everything up, you know.
I'm going to see Steve tomorrow for lunch to see if we can talk this stuff out. '
'I'm sorry, Rusty.'
'Let's go home.'
I needed to relax again. I got in the shower and I heard Andy on the phone with someone, probably Steve, or their friend Jill, or Mark, I'd guess. Talking to everyone to see what should be done about me. Me and my heart. Fuck.
A bit later my phone rang and it was Steve. He said we needed to talk, today, and he was going to head over right now. Fuck, again. I got dressed and lay on the bed and surfed the internet for a while. He came over about ½ hour after he called. Andy went out somewhere with his car after letting Steve in so I knew he'd be awhile.
He came in to my room and sat down on the bed.
'Come here,' he said. I sighed and moved over to him. He took me in his arms and held me really tightly. He whispered in my ear 'we'll get through all this shit - I need you in my life, however I can have that.' I started to cry again.
'I'm sorry. We should never have done what we did, starting with the watching thing last week. It's put a lot of pressure on all these relationships and I'm pretty pissed off at Andy right now.'
I got my breath back and stopped crying. 'It definitely was him who planned all of this and then talked Mark into it, then me, then you. He admitted he's been attracted to Mark all this time and he wanted a guilt-free way to fuck him. He figured if we all did it, it could be done.'
'That's what Mark told me. I'm upset with him because he's acting like none of it's a big deal. Then I told him what's going on with us and now he feels badly and told me to do whatever I needed to do to make sure you're okay ,' Steve said.
I lay back on the bed and he lay down next to me on the other pillow. We stared up at the ceiling.
'Can we sort this stuff out, one piece at a time?' he asked.
'Say we never did any of this stuff that Andy planned - and you felt like you did before last week, were we going to be able to move on like we always have?'
'Yes. I'd still be in love with you. I've always fantasized about having you, Steve. That would have never gone away. I never actively planned to seduce you or anything like that. But there were a number of times, before you came out, that I was going to try when we took breaks during our tattooing sessions. I had to talk myself out of pushing at you. I kept thinking to myself, 'one day, he'll come out. Then I'll have my chance - my chance to get him in bed with me and show him how great a lover I'd be for him and make him fall in love with me.'
Steve was pretty silent. This was the first time he's heard any of this from me.
'I didn't know any of this, Rusty. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was too much of a fucking loser to own up to who I really am. I'm sorry we didn't have that chance before. I'm sorry you kept this stuff from me. I'm sorry we crossed some lines this week and last night because it's really compromised a lot of things. I'm not sorry I got to be with you - while everything was going on last night and this morning, I was in heaven - you are incredible. I'm just sorry that last night didn't happen a year ago. I'm sorry that you're upset over all this stuff. I'm upset, too. It really makes me feel horribly to see you so sad. I want to see the Rusty I usually see, full of laughter, beautiful smiles, happy, waiting for fun shit to happen and making it more fun for everyone.'
'You shouldn't apologize, Steve. I could have said 'no' to all of this. What was I thinking? You're married - married to someone who waited for you. You and Mark have such a great life together, and you're such a fantastic couple. If I would have said no, I don't think Mark would have done it with Andy. I think Andy would have backed off.
'But now,' I continued, 'all I can think of is holding your incredible body and making you moan and scream and you doing the same to me and kissing your soft lips and smelling your sweet hair and wrapping myself up in you. I can't get it out of my mind and it's making me miserable because I know that we likely won't be able to do that ever again. I'm restraining myself right now because I want to reach over and kiss you and I know I can't do that.'
Steve's eyes watered up a little. 'Can I hug you, anyway? Like that night we stayed at the shop late to finish something and we got to talking about the worst shit we lived through as kids and we both cried and hugged and held each other? Those moments of friendship with you are some of the most intense and memorable moments I've had in my life with anyone; I've never shared that shit with Mark or Jill - I've been too scared to do that - but having a friend like you, someone who understood all of it and felt the same pain - well, I never thought I'd meet anyone like you. You mean the world to me.'
'I remember that night - it was really cathartic for me. I had never let some of that stuff out to any therapist or to my mother or any man I was ever involved with. I felt so good to get it out and that you trusted me enough to tell me some of that stuff, I knew I had found a true friend in you. '
'So you see,' Steve started, 'I can't imagine my life without you in it - those moments mean too much to me - and I know I'll have other stuff that comes up for me and you will, too. We need each other, don't you think? I need you, for sure.'
'Do you think we can go ahead? We will now have the memory of the incredible night we shared. But in some ways, that night at the shop was way more intimate for me than anything sexual. I was more vulnerable than I am naked in a bed; my whole soul was hanging out there and you bared yours, too, and I knew that everything was going to be all right as long as I had you as my friend.'
'I'll try, Steve, I'll try. You're right about all of it - I guess I'm being selfish.'
'No, you're not. Last night was incredible and fun and really intimate, of course, but to me, regardless of our own relationships, the things we shared about our childhood were way more intimate than any sex act. That's the most important part of why I love you, too.'
He grabbed me and hugged me close and we both cried a little.
'You are right about all of that, Steve. I'll just need to work on separating this stuff out and thinking about how close we already were - maybe closer to each other than we are to the guys we're with.'
'I think so in a lot of ways,' he said. 'We've shared things that we never thought we wanted to relive or reveal to anyone.'
'Yeah,' I nodded. 'But I will still think about the other way that I got to know you and I need your help to keep moving on - because I am hurting and I'm still in love with you. It's going to take me some time.'
'Rusty, I'm in love with you, too. We just need to return to the love we had before this last week. I've told you that I always had a thing for you - I think that we missed our chance to be lovers but we are still together and we both met guys who we like being with; at least we can be happy for each other in that way, right?'
'How'd you get to be so fucking sensible?'
'Stop it! Can we still have lunch tomorrow?'
'Yes, I always want to see you whenever I can...no matter what.'
'Do you think we could handle one last kiss - or is that a bad idea?'
'Fuck it.' I grabbed him and we had a long, passionate kiss.