I sat there .. On my bed, absorbing ... taking it all in ... and just just crying without a sound... My tears stream down my face as i read my father's journals over and over and over again... Telling myself i must've missed something ... There must be something lost in translation ... This can't be the truth ... I have never been so much in denial about something..

I couldn't stand reading a single extra page.. I just sat there in bed, everything starting to make sense, and everything just became clearer ... Memories from more than 6 years ago surfaced and everything made sense.. I knew i wanted a good explanation. Someone to give me something... I needed closure..

Hours have probably passed, and i heard my Mom opening the door, saying she is home ... I unlocked the door to my room, and it was apparent on my face... I was distraught, disgusted, and confounded ...

"Honey, what happened... why do you look like you just witnessed a murder?" My Mom asked quite worried.. I grabbed her by the hand, and walked with her behind me ... I was furious ... I was enraged.. "Explain this to me" I demanded as we got into my room, and i held my father's journals.. Her face paled a bit, and she took a step back .. "Have you been through my things?!" She asked

"DONT YOU DARE CHANGE THE TOPIC! DONT YOU DARE..." I bursted shouting, as i threw the journal on my bed, and tears were in my eyes... "Please.. I am begging you, tell me if what i read it true or not.. Was my dad completely aware of what he was writing, or was this the chemo playing tricks on his brain..." I asked as i let my desperation get the best of me, and i let the tears stream down... "It's all true..." She said with this look of sadness and defeat in her eyes

"Why haven't you told me before?!" I asked feeling betrayed, not knowing what to believe... "You were just 13 years old Adam.. WHAT DO U EXPECT ME TO HAVE TOLD YOU?" She said as her voice started rising.. "WHAT?! TELL ME .. WHAT KIND OF MOTHER WOULD I BE IF I HAD CAME TO YOU AND TOLD YOU YOUR SISTER IS THE REASON YOUR FATHER DIED.... THAT YOUR OWN BLOOD AND FLESH IS THE MAIN REASON YOUR FATHER HAD GONE THROUGH DEPRESSION, THAT HIS BODY WOULDNT ACCEPT THE MEDICATION CAUSE HE WAS IN THE WORST MENTAL STATE A HUMAN COULD BE IN? THAT HE WOULD TELL ME IN THE HOSPITAL BED THAT HE DOESNT WANT TO GO THROUGH ALL OF THIS... THAT THE CANCER AND HIS DAUGHTER WERE TOO MUCH TO HANDLE TOGETHER" She shouted out, and she just cried, and fell into the chair behind her ...

her face in her hands ... "What did you expect me to do?" she kept on saying over and over and over... I was now crying hard, and i couldnt see from the tears .. I had too many emotions, I had too much i wanted to know about ... I had too many questions, and i wanted answers ... I just went to my mom and hugged her ... Her body was shivering... It was apparent she had too much that she had pushed deep down inside and was left unresolved... and it ate away at her ..

We both calmed down. I made her favorite Tea, and my black Coffee.. we sat down .. she had changed her clothes, and got into something more indoor appropriate.. and we spoke ...

"So tell me everything.. from the beginning" I said .. "This isnt gonna be easy .. Neither to remember, nor for you to hear ... and i need you to know .. your sister was young then .. she was stupid, she never meant for it all to go down that way" My mom said as she sipped on her drink..

she put her cup on the table in front of her, and she started " Your sister was a very wreckless and misguided soul, she was wild and free, and your dad had gave her all the space she had ever wanted, and he granted her each and every wish.. She was foolish, and was easily tricked by Sam the guy she was married to for 2 years, you remember" she said and I nodded

She continued " Well, the reason they got married is that they both had slept together, and she got pregnant, and as you know .. that is a big no in both religion and our society.. When your dad found out he was furious .. He felt that his eldest was the youngest, and he wished he had done things differently with her... Sam wasn't in love with your sister, but however when his parents found out they married him to your sister.. Your father had hated Sam, and himself for not having kept his own daughter in the light, and kept her safe from such stupid mistakes" She stopped for a second to take another sip of her tea, and i from my coffee.

"Sam used to beat your sister, and we didnt know, and when she would visit, she would hide the bruises.. He never hit her on the face or anywhere apparent... and we just never knew .. I had felt that there was something wrong with her.. I knew that she was suffering... But your father had ordered me not to interfere with her life.. and she needs to learn .. to grow .. as that was the only way .. and one day we got a call from Sam saying that we should go pick her up from the hospital... We went there in the speed of light ..

She was unconscious in a room, and we were informed that she was admitted with many bruises and internal bleed, the doctors had to take her to surgery, and they were faced with either saving the baby's life or hers ... Protocol says they had to pick the mother" Mom said and her eyes were tearing up, and so were mine..

"Your sister recovered in a slow and painful way, and you were probably too young to understand what was going on .. you were 10 or 11 .. and we didnt want to tell you cause who would open the eyes of an innocent child to such horrors... Your sister got a divorce, and she refused to take anything to court.. she was broken ... Her heart was gone, and there she was a shell of a person who just suffered too much to go on"

"Your dad had stopped us from visiting him where he works .. he was in a whole other governorate and he wanted to be alone ... He just wanted to get back to his work .. someone had to work .. How else would we have dinner on the table.. Sadly your father being there all by himself was something that shouldnt have happened... He'd retire to his room at night and just sink in his worsening depression ... we would just try to reach out to him, but nothing breaks a parent more than failing to protecting their child ... Your Father was in a state like no other ... He wasnt himself.. and he was just really in a bad place". She continued on

"And well ... One thing after the other he just became more and more sick, unable to work and unable to function, and i traveled to him without his knowledge cause i knew that he needed someone ... And there i knew that he wasnt the same man who left a few months ago ... He was weak, frail and sick ... He was pale and he just looked utterly disastrous.."

"I got him to do some tests, and we got the results a few days later, and he needed to check into a hospital,because his results were bad.. and so we did, the doctors told us he had cancer, and that night we just sat there.. we never slept that night...I remember every single word that was said"

"(you cant let the kids know.. i dont want them to know) he told me .. and your father had to leave his job and i dunno if you remember, we told you he was on a vacation from work and he is spending some time with us"

"i do" i said, the tears were rolling down my eyes like a stream... "Your sister ... She blamed me and you father for her mistakes, telling us we ruined her and that she wished she would just die... I caught her a few days later taking tons of pills" my mom continued

"And we rushed her to the hospital against her will, your father might have been extremely sick, but he fought her till his last breath, he had to ... His daughter was dying.. he had to save her, we got her to the hospital and we got her stomach pumped and she needed to stay there overnight"

"He just couldnt handle it... All of what was going on ... It made him collapse ... He collapsed right then and there in the hospital, doctors rushed to him and they took him to a room.. when they came out they told me he was stable for then, but the cancer was faster than it should be, and that hopes of him recovering were rapidly dying by the minute"

"When your father awoke, he told me he doesnt want to go on, and that we should just let the cancer get its way .. (maybe i deserve it for failing in the most important task of my life) he had told me .... Aand i had never been more furious, i shouted and screamed at him .. i reminded him that he still had me and you and your other sister ... But he was too broken and tired.. and the rest you read in the journals" my mom said her eyes totally red from the tears, and i was just there .. not feeling space nor time ... Feeling like i have no idea who im living with, and god only knows what else i dont know ... I just sat there and i stood up, put on my sneakers and shorts and i left the house ....

I ran.... I ran faster than i ever had, i had a lot of anger and a lot of pain that needed to be handled... I just ran and when i couldnt go on running i took a cab and told him to go to this area called Maadi, and i just went there and I walked around everywhere, i loved  maadi cause it has trees everywhere, and its very serene like..

I kept walking around till night came, and i had gone to a bar ... I had way too much to drink .... I paid the tab and left the bar, and then i went back home ... Not thinking, just being stupid drunk.. I got to the house my mom was waiting up for me .. she was worried ... I just ran into her room and i got dad's old gun, and i left the house, Mom screaming and shouting imploring me not to leave and do something stupid ...

I outran my mother, and left the house and got a cab and went to my sister's house ... Her husband was away on business, and she was just there, alone .. I rang on her doorbell .. A lot , she opened the door and as soon as she saw me she knew something was wrong ...

"Adam .. Hey.. Whats with you? you look like you had been through hell" She said rather worried .. "I had been through hell .. But its nothing compared to the hell you are going to!" I said in a low tone as i pushed her in and locked the door ... "WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!" She screamed at me ... "YOU WANNA KNOW!!! YOU !! YOU'RE WHATS WRONG WITH ME!! YOU'RE WHATS WRONG WITH THIS FAMILY!! YOU ARE THE LIVING DEFINITION OF EVIL!" I shouted at her ... Holding up the gun .. I heard loud knocks on the door and ringing ...

My mother had caught up with me ... I wasn't me ... there we were ... where time had moved faster than the speed of light ... yet it felt as if it had all stopped and everything that surrounded me had ceased to exist .... I held the gun up ... Pointed

"ADAM!! DONT!!!" ....

BANG

BANG

BANG

........................................................................................................................

hey beautiful people ... I am soo sorry for not having posted anything in such a long time ... university and projects and finals are taking over my life !!!! Anyway, I will be uploading the following chapter soon! Thank you for reading .. Dont forget to leave a comment.

 

Adam.J

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