It all began with a late night swim in the ocean, a warm embrace and a kiss that was filled with love and respect, as well as the desire to diminish insecurity and fear. Actually, of course there was a little more than that at first, it wasn't as if a guy suddenly appeared magically and took me into his arms. Still, it was pretty much magic to me but before we get to it, this treasured memory requires some additional and necessary detail.
Once I would have found the following information difficult to admit because of feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment but now I know I was not alone and can accept it's personal variation as part of growing up. By the time I turned eighteen, I was still a virgin in every sexual sense. I knew I was gay and wanted the man on man shit. Though I had never been with a woman, it didn't matter. No offence to the ladies but where sexual attraction and body styles and parts were concerned, they just didn't do it for me. From age eleven I knew it was men for me. The problem was I was way too scared to do anything about it. Life however it seemed, decided to be good to me at eighteen and give me what I needed to kick start me into the world I yearned for. Way to go Life!
My name is Swan. Surprise was my reaction when I was old enough to realise the association, though I have grown to like it. Still I don't know what my mother was thinking. Maybe it was something to do with her living through the sixties. I've heard they were out there radical.
So I was eighteen, blonde hair, blue eyes, of average height, slim but sinewy and definitely the swarthy beach going type. My best friend's name was Gunther. Yeah he was German by blood but Aussie born and there was no detectable European accent. The next answer is no, Gunther was not my first time angel. It appeared that job had been given to a real angel but Gunther did have something to do with it indirectly.
About two weeks before my eighteenth birthday, Gunther's cousin came to Australia to stay with Gunther's family for a few months. Apparently there were some serious family issues going on back in Germany, so the parents did the adult reasoning thing and dumped him in another country so that he had no idea what was going on. Gunther's cousin's name was Gerhardt and I have to be honest, he was a fantasy and a dream come true as far as looks were concerned. I hate to sound like a cliché but he was tall, dark and handsome. He also had a beautiful body. It was the body of an athlete, not big but an incredible musculature and defined physique. Talk about a wish granted and appearing before my eyes. I will admit I thought he was an untouchable wish but that was a lack of experience and low self-esteem. Gerhardt became an all-consuming fantasy but what can I say, remember I was a virgin in every sexual sense so my mind, heart and cock had joined forces in the fantasy world and they were running in overdrive and on overtime.
Gunther, Gerhardt and I were together all the time. It was late spring down under, the weather was getting hotter, school was over for good for all of us and none of us had begun working so it seemed like an unending holiday had begun. Of course realisation would kick in later but let's not spoil my memory. We went out and got drunk, got stoned, danced and partied but it seemed that the only one to ever get laid was the straight one. I had become infatuated with Gerhardt and so thoughts of other guys had flown out the window. Though I didn't know it at the time, Gerhardt could have picked up and gotten laid at any time but to my blind ignorance, his interest was in me.
On one of those particular nights when Gunther took off with some pretty young thing to go and get his end in, Gerhardt and I were left to accompany each other home. Appropriate one might say but my fear was forcing me to deny the signals he was putting out to me. Irrespective, we had gone to a pub we wouldn't normally go to and it was in Sydney's eastern suburbs on the coast. After we left the pub as we began to walk, Gerhardt was very quiet and introspective and he said to me that he didn't want to go straight home and that he would love to walk, if I didn't mind. Of course I agreed, not needing an excuse to be alone with him but there was something soulful and distracted about his mood, making me even more willing to fulfil his desires and soon enough we were walking along the promenade of a beach. We were just talking and walking, just general and easy conversation and then he stopped and stared at the water. I was distinctly aware of his distant gaze and though I didn't understand why, it engaged deep yet vague feelings within me. He told me he wished there weren't so many people around and that he could strip off and skinny dip. Not thinking anything else other than I would get to see him naked, I offered to take him somewhere else where he could. He looked at me and smiled and as usual, it took my breath away.
Gerhardt and I had become really good friends. I suppose with Gunther always out getting laid and going out with girlfriends, the two of us just seemed to gravitate together and in doing so, we became great friends and discovered an even closer connection then we had with Gunther. The whole situation evolved very quickly. Probably within the first four weeks of him being in Australia. Our connection was deep but unspoken. It was obvious we really cared about each other; at least it was obvious to us. It was like two best friends who had shared life for twenty years and couldn't imagine not being together. There was also the touching. We always touched each other matter-of-factly or sat close to each other with some part of us touching. There were a couple of occasions after we had become very close when he and I were alone and the intimacy almost evolved into something more than friendship.
On one of those nights when Gunther had gone out on his own because he was seeing one of his girls again, Gerhardt had come over to my place to see the night out, watching DVD's in my bedroom. He was going to stay the night so we were just kicking back on the bed and cracking up over some comedy we were watching. Later we watched a drama and it happened to involve a storyline of divorcing parents and Gerhardt's mood changed completely. It was very obvious what was going on in his head and heart.
We talked about it and he became even more emotional and eventually I was holding him in my arms. Of course the thoughts I shouldn't have been thinking at that time were screaming in my head and holding Gerhardt in my arms gave me a raging hard-on. I however was still locked up in my head and scared shitless of doing anything and so I made no move as usual. He told me he didn't want to watch the movies anymore and that he wanted to lie down and go to sleep. I switched everything off and then we stripped down to our briefs and got into the bed.
It was the early hours of the morning when I woke up with Gerhardt spooning me. He had his hard and thick erection pushed between my cheeks and his arm around me and I could feel the subtle rubbing and nudging against me. Perfection, right? Well maybe but not for me back then. I stiffened my whole body in apprehensive fear. I just couldn't move beyond that line that would have changed my life a little earlier and probably would have been an awesome experience.
Gerhardt of course noticed my reaction and he slowly and quietly pulled away and rolled to the other side of the bed. I was screaming at myself inside my head. I wanted him so badly, I really liked him and he seemed to really like me. I hated myself at that moment. I turned over later and snuggled up to him and he turned over and held me in his arms but it did not advance further from there.
Another month had passed by since then and we were still really tight and Gerhardt did not hold what had happened against me. So we walked for about forty minutes until we reached Thompson's Bay, the place I had thought of and then under the light of a full moon, we climbed down the cliff to the rocks below. It was a calm and very warm night and this idea was probably a little stupid, considering the chances that sharks could be swimming in the water but Gerhardt wanted to do it and I wanted to give him what he wanted.
I used to swim at Thompson's Bay regularly and so I had a particular rock I would always try to lie on. It was large enough for a couple of people and it was incredibly smooth and therefore quite comfortable. Gerhardt sat on the rock and I sat beside him and we were silent for quite some time. It was so beautiful and peaceful and the moonlight was reflecting off the water, enhancing the whole energy that was blanketing us. Let's face it; it was romantic.
'You know I want you to do this with me, don't you?' Gerhardt asked me in a suppressed and gentle voice. 'I want this to be just you and me together and alone.'
I thought the vibration I heard in my head from the gulp of my swallow was so loud, it must have created an earthquake somewhere in the world. My chest was so tight with desire and then he gently put his arm around my shoulder, tenderly forcing my body to lean against his. I relaxed slightly as I began to melt into him because there was nowhere else in the world that I wanted to be.
'Swany, will you do this with me?' He whispered directly.
'Yeah Gerh.' I said and he gave me a gentle squeeze. These were the names we always called each other when we were alone.
'It will be okay. I'm going to look after you.' He whispered again and I knew he wasn't talking about swimming naked. I felt dizzy.
Gerhardt stood up and he took my hand and drew me up beside him. He pulled my t-shirt over my head and then he began to undress. I watched for a moment and he kept looking at me silently with a soft and enticing smile. I stripped completely and stood before him with an erection. When he stood up from picking up our clothes and putting them on the rock, Gerhardt also had an erection. I stared at it and wanted to touch it and I was so nervous and I could hardly breathe but Gerhardt stepped forward and embraced me. I thought my heart was going to stop but he didn't do anything sexual. He just held me warmly as my cock throbbed in desperation.
'It's okay Swany, I understand.' He said with his gentle German accent that always surprised me. In most cases they were usually thick accents.
He let me go, took my hand and led me to the waters edge. I knew the bay well and so I knew where to enter without tripping over submerged rocks and then we waded out into the depths. It was not just the night that was calm, the water was equally still. Apart from the sound of our bodies disturbing the surface, the only other audible sound was the gentle rippling of the water against the coastal rocks. It was beautiful, it was magical and oh how I thought that he was beautiful too.
The water was cool but not cold and the air was thick and warm. The reflection of the moon on the water appeared like an aura around his body as he floated on his back. I gazed at the moon lit surface of his torso and seemingly from out of nowhere, I suddenly felt a surge of alien courage. I reached out and ran my hand over his chest. I watched as my soft caress over his chest induced an almost immediate erection and so with a knot in my gut, I slid my hand down his stomach and then I ran my fingers very softly over his hard cock. A whispered sigh slipped from between his lips and I looked up at him and he was smiling at me.
We stayed in the water for about ten minutes and then he ushered for me to follow him back to the rocks. We made our way back up and then he sat me down and he sat beside me. He wrapped his arm around my waist as we shivered a little and I allowed my arm to slide around his back. He slid his other arm around the front of my body and then he twisted me and pulled me against him and he kissed me.
Every part of me turned instantly to liquid as I spilled over and around his body within the strength of his arms. My heart was beating at a million miles a second. I was completely overwhelmed. Life had stopped dead, frozen into irrelevance by these flooding emotional feelings, which were integrating with the combination of terror and desire entwined. My body was shaking and yet I was relaxed. I was shivering from the water and yet I was hot.
Gerhardt's tongue was a gentle paintbrush, which he masterfully wielded as he lured me further and further into the world I wanted and feared. The heat of his body was like an invisible cloak as it wrapped me and drew me deeper into his embrace. His fingers were gentle in their caress but still they caused pulsing shots of electricity to warp across my skin and make me shudder in disbelief.
I was learning to really kiss, I was learning the wonder of what I had feared for so long, I was learning of the love of another man and I was also learning how all of these things combined, could take the young man's feelings, which had never been acted upon and that I had thought were indescribable and make them pale into insignificance, as they evolved into an adult form.
I tightened my hold around his beautiful male body and as I began to release myself, I pushed my lips closer and gave my tongue permission to explore the sensuality of the kiss of two men. I could feel my chains dropping away and it was Gerhardt who was setting me free.
His hand slid around my waist onto my stomach and then ascended to caress my chest. The movements were firm but heart stopping and every now and then, his hand would halt momentarily as his thumb would rub and excite my nipple. It made my body jolt but each time he would intensify his probing kiss. I was locked to him and I hoped the key to part us would never be found. I wanted to feel this immersion for as long as life would allow.
Gerhardt was taking the frightened boy, casting a spell over him and releasing him from his human failings, as he encouraged him to become a man. I accepted all of it with an unconditional openness.
He moved his hand away from my chest and reached behind him. He took my hand and brought it back to the front of his body and then he wrapped my fingers and hand around his thick and twitching cock. A small gasp left his lips and I tightened my hand and felt his tongue hesitate and then swirl across my palate. Suddenly he gripped my throbbing and stilted cock with his large and strong masculine hand. I felt my body plunge into his arms and against him, as I heard myself gasp within his mouth as we kissed. I felt both lost and found.
Crushing clenches of our fingers and palms squeezed and massaged our desperate cocks and now I realised that the soft romance was evolving into male heat and hungry desire. I wanted to maintain the softness but I couldn't ward off the overpowering need that was consuming me, as I begged silently for Gerhardt to consume me as well. I wanted to disappear into every cell of his body so that I could touch and feel and smell and taste him until the end of time. I knew it was completely irrational but somehow it made such perfect sense, as if it were the next logical step.
Amidst all of what had taken place so far, Gerhardt was still kissing me so deeply and I discovered my mind consistently coming back to the feeling of his soft, warm and moist lips swirling and slipping across mine. I never wanted his mouth to be separated from mine again.
Unexpectedly I felt his body press harder against mine pressuring for me to submit to his control. I gave it to him immediately and as his arm around my back supported my body and weight, he lowered me backwards to lie against the smooth surface of the rock. He was half on the rock and half over me and with one hand on my head with his fingers stroking my hair and his thumb stroking my face, his other hand was so gently and tenderly stroking my cock. Still his mouth had not left mine and I could feel him rubbing his cock against my thigh.
Suddenly he slid his lips away from mine and he looked down deeply into my eyes. His handsome smile crossed his face but within it and within his deep dark eyes, there was seriousness and a certainty that somehow said more than words could say.
'Gerh?' I began but he pressed his finger to my lips to silence my need for words, words that would question his hidden thoughts and feelings. He nodded no and I saw a distinct look of deep sadness that I didn't comprehend.
Gerhardt leaned forward as he removed his finger and he kissed me softly with a brush of the lips and then he began to kiss my face and then my neck and throat. He ran the tip of his tongue over the hollow of my throat and then he kissed along my shoulders. I felt him pull me closer and tighter and he closed his lips over the curve of my neck and he gently began to suck tenderly, a certainty to leave a deep small mark. I didn't know why but there was something about this part of my body and when Gerhardt's lips pressed to it, it was as if an off switch was flicked and I felt my body go limp as if I had no power to resist or control. Still, there was nothing further from my mind.
Resuming his descent, he kissed my chest and then with his lips and tongue and teeth he toyed with my nipples, licking, kissing and sucking and leaving me drifting within my mind and seemingly within an altered reality. I was wandering directionless within a sensual frontier. He moved down over my stomach still kissing but now his hands were caressing my body with an even greater verve. I was beginning to float.
His tongue moved like a whirlpool, diving slowly but deeply into my navel and as it wriggled and probed in and around, his lips pressed firmly against my stomach while his hands made caressing return journeys, up and down the sides of my body and legs. I felt his chin accidently bump and then purposely push and rub over my cock head and every muscle in my body tightened as I thought of how close his mouth was to my delirious shaft.
Gerhardt moved further down and I held my breath as I anticipated the wrapping wet warmth of his lips, tongue and mouth over my cock. My hopes were dashed however because he did not approach it, leaving it hard and twitching above my body. He continued to kiss my torso, the side of his face rubbing against the side of my cock. I was almost ready to scream and I kept clenching and so while his face was sliding horizontally against my cock, my cock was sliding vertically up and down over his cheek.
I felt Gerhardt's hand rise up onto my chest and his finger began a long lasting circular movement over and around my nipple. It was a soft caress and the longer he did it, the more sensitive my nipple became, adding a flustered tone to my moans and sighs. His other hand was simply stroking up and down my inner thigh and with all of this incessant attention, my body was beginning to tingle from head to toe. My breathing was becoming so heavy and I could barely believe the feelings that Gerhardt was introducing to me. I had no serious idea of what was still ahead or of the new and dazzling feelings I was about to encounter.
I was thinking that maybe now Gerhardt was going to suck my cock. In truth it was one of the things that I was looking forward to the most but again he didn't approach it and I wondered if he wasn't into doing it. To my surprise though, I felt his hand wrap around it and he held it pointing it into the air. He wasn't stroking it though and I wondered what he was doing.
Gerhardt stood up away from me and then crouched down in front of the rock. As I felt his grip on my cock pulling me toward him, I knew what he was doing. In combination, he told me to slide forward a little and I did and almost instantly I felt his tongue patter and tap and then lick across my ball sack. It was an amazing feeling and just the thought he was doing it, the idea that a man was licking my balls, was in itself a turn on. I lay there enjoying this feeling and loving it because it was Gerhardt but then suddenly I felt and heard, as one of my nuts was sucked into his hot mouth. Now I really understood the attraction I had read about. I sighed in and moaned out and it felt so amazing as his tongue moved and his mouth sucked on one ball and then he began squeezing and stroking my cock as well.
'Oh Gerh!' I whispered in amazement and I felt his hand squeeze my thigh twice in succession to acknowledge me but he just kept the mouth play going. He sucked on my nuts and he licked my sack and then he showed me something I had never considered or thought of. It wasn't something unusual, it just hadn't crossed my mind as something of relevance.
He slid his tongue down between my sack and my thigh and then he fluttered it gently over the skin that always seems to be hidden. The touch of his tongue made it feel even more tender and sensitive and I moaned as he continued his constant quest to taste every inch of me. He licked around my balls, around the base of my cock and he tantalised me with his tongue all over my inner thigh. I was burning with sexual heat and he began blowing cooling air from between his lips, over the areas he caressed with his tongue.
When I was least expecting it, there was a momentary pause, which I didn't take notice of in my reverie but before I knew what was happening, his hot, wet lips were embracing my knob and his tongue was working me again. I could feel his tongue flatten against the crest of my cock head and then I felt it wrap around it as his lips slid further down my shaft. It was all so sensual but it was all designed to take me to a place and hold me there without moving one way or another.
I wanted so badly for Gerhardt to take me to the point of no return but he controlled every moment and he lifted me up and he perused my body and he deluged me with extraordinary feelings until I was a mass of thoughts and feelings and needs and desires, which were swirling uncontrolled within a body that was ripe to explode.
I felt his lips slide again, moving further down my hard cock and then his tongue stretched out along the length and curled around it like a protective sheathe and then his head began to rise and fall. Each time his mouth consumed my cock, the large muscle at the back of his tongue would rub against my knob and then flex and push and hold it against the roof of his mouth and then he would withdraw, forcing my already sensitive cock to endure the friction as it slid back toward unwanted freedom.
I was beginning to gasp with each retreat and sigh with each entry and all the while as he rolled me in waves of oral pleasure, his hands and fingers drove my body through states of tingling and buzzing as they incessantly rubbed, caressed, stretched, squeezed and raised the volume of physical sensitivity to a level I could barely endure. I wondered if someone that wasn't a virgin could be sent to such astonishing heights.
'Gerh! Aw fuck, Gerh!' I cried out as my brain lost comprehension of these magnificent feelings he was creating.
I was trying to focus on my cock in Gerhardt's mouth but his hands continued to distract me. The moment however, I allowed myself to focus wherever his hands roamed, my mind was dragged back to his mouth on my cock, which was in a frenzy of distorted sensitivity.
Gerhardt released my cock from his mouth and unexpectedly he was on top of me and kissing me feverishly. I wrapped my arms around his naked body and I squeezed him so hard and I wanted to proclaim my love for him but I didn't know if my feelings were bound up in this sexual and emotional flood.
'Swany, I can't explain to you how much you mean to me and how honoured I am that I am your first. You will always hold an important place in my heart. I love you Swany.' He said and then he kissed me so hard and he ground his cock against mine with such force and his words were an avalanche, figuratively sweeping me off my feet.
He rolled to the side, rolling me with him until we lay on our sides facing each other and his kiss, still deep, was filled with such astonishing passion. He reached down and I felt his fingers wrap around my thigh and then he pulled my leg over the top of his. His leg slid between mine, he leaned toward me angling us slightly and then he reached down and took hold of his hard cock and lifted it so that his knob was pressed firmly against my anus. For a brief moment I felt fear, a fear that had often plagued me at the thought of this moment but then I thought that I loved Gerhardt and that I wanted to give myself to him. I wondered about a condom but in that moment I didn't care. All I cared about was becoming one with Gerhardt.
I felt a warm thick moisture and I knew his cock was seeping pre-come. I tightened my arms around him and as he pulled our mouths tighter and his tongue speared deeper, he pushed and my ring split with a pain I could not have imagined. He squeezed my body so hard and kissed even harder as he waited for the pain to subside. Over an extended period of time, Gerhardt continued this procedure of insertion and pause and loving embraces. He was so caring and loving as he brought me into this world. He was wonderful.
When the entire length of his large and hard, arcing cock was deep within me, Gerhardt held me tight and he writhed his substantial and beautiful big chest against mine. His kiss was so hot and his lips were so soft as his tongue lay on top of mine and moved back and forth with slow and small caresses. He finally pulled away from me and as he looked deeply into my eyes, I felt my heart begin to pound from the truth of my feelings for him, as he held me in his gaze.
'I love you Swany.' He said with a trembling emotional voice but before I could reply, another heated kiss began. I felt him tighten his arms around me and then he began to gently withdraw and insert his cock within my tightly gripping hole. This was not fucking and I knew it. This was Gerhardt making intensely slow, hot and deeply sensual love to me. I was gasping. Firstly because of the extraordinary feelings his cock was sending throughout my body and nervous system and secondly because of the innate sense of love that he was initiating in my heart while also because of the love he was directing at me. I was gasping for breath because I felt like I was tightly wrapped in energy, which was a mixture of sexual and sensual heat. I could say it was palpable or tangible but though correct, those words didn't do justice to the experience at the time.
Within all of that, everything I was experiencing, Gerhardt slid within me. For at least a quarter of an hour, the strength of his arms held my body, the strength of his body rhythmically filled me with his cock and still his loving kisses continued relentlessly. I wondered how long it would be before he came inside of me. Not that I cared because I could have staid like that in his arms forever.
It was amazing to feel his cock bury itself inside of me. To feel how hard it was, to feel it forcing the walls apart and to feel the incredible feelings that were like electrical currents that made the flesh quiver within me. All of this while his body caressed my body, his chest and nipples, his arms and legs and his face and mouth, touching and sending me into another world of reality.
I suddenly felt his pace intensify and as his abdomen rubbed against my throbbing cock, I ejaculated and my body began to spasm and jolt and as these things affected his cock within me, Gerhardt exploded and amidst my waning climax, I felt the rushing hot waves filling me and spreading with an easing effect around his pulsing cock. Some say the first time is the one you remember but true or not, I have to say that for me it would be impossible to forget. We lay entwined and in silence for quite some time, as we breathed heavily from everything that had just passed and for the first substantial period of time, Gerhardt had stopped kissing me.
My eyes were closed, I was in a reverie of sated pleasure and as my heart continued to beat with love for the man in my arms, I opened my eyes and he was looking at me and smiling. He began to kiss me again and his fingers caressed my body. I thought that I could never experience such utter bliss again. He broke his kiss and his embrace and then he moved down my body and once again he took my cock into his mouth. He had me hard in seconds and to begin with, Gerhardt pumped my cock hard and fast with his mouth and tongue. It had been what I had been waiting for when he first devoured my cock. He was using the reckless abandon of the hard and fast cock assault that I expected would be required to blow but then instead of continuing in that manner, Gerhardt slowed measurably and he began to make love to my cock, softly, slowly and tenderly. It was warm and rhythmic, it was top to bottom, it was firm and compressed but it was so loving and absorbing. For the entire time it was surrounded by the sounds of a man who loved doing to me, what he was doing. He reached up and he interlaced his fingers with mine and held my hands as he tenderly allowed me to float into climax.
My cock burst like I literally had never experienced and as a multitude of cords shot into his mouth, he squeezed my hands, holding them tightly. My body was writhing and jerking beneath him and my hips were uncontrollably thrusting and Gerhardt consumed and swallowed and held my hands and he moaned as I cried out in rasped waves of pleasure.
His lips maintained their intimate and unwavering caress until the final seed was gone. He allowed my cock to lay on my body, still thick and full but slowly returning to its natural state. Gerhardt leaned forward and kissed it with such passion and then he rose up and sat beside me and he pulled me into his arms. He held me with so much warmth and so much love and he kissed me even more tenderly than he had at any other moment.
'Swany?'
'Yeah Gerh?'
'Would you promise me something?'
'Gerh, I would promise you anything.' I said and he turned and looked deep into my eyes and he smiled at me and nodded.
'Of course you would. I know that you would. Swany, promise me that you will always remember this night with me. Promise that you will remember how much I love you right here and right now and what this last two months have meant to me to have been able to share them with you?'
'I don't need to promise that Gerh. The truth is the truth and I will never forget any of this but if you need the words then I promise you Gerh.'
He looked at me and he gave that smile again and then he pulled me to him and kissed me so hard that it almost hurt.
'Let's go home Swany!' Gerhardt said.
I nodded yes but I was disappointed because I wanted so desperately to give everything back to Gerhardt in equal measure. I then thought that it didn't matter because there was plenty of time ahead and that I would let Gerhardt show me everything a gay man needs to know. I stood up and soon we were walking home again.
'You need to know something Swany.' He said seriously to me.
'What's that?' I said smiling.
'You are a really good looking man, you've got a nice body and you are one of the nicest people I have ever met. You are thoughtful, considerate, loving and the most honest person who has ever entered my life. You treat people with respect and you would never go out of your way to deceive or use someone for your own selfish gains. I want you to learn to show yourself the respect that you show others and don't let anyone ever fuck with you. If they manage to, walk away and don't look back. I promise you, it will be their loss and not yours.' He said.
'Gerh, what's this all about? You are being so serious and it's beginning to unsettle me.' I asked with a knot in my stomach.
Gerhardt laughed. It is just that your life is about to change and doors are about to open and I want you to know a few things before it begins.
'Oh, okay.' I said feeling more secure.
'Swany you have been so afraid for so long and I want you to know that because of who you are and everything you are as a person; there is no reason why you should be afraid. Promise me you'll be brave but cautious?'
'I'll do my best Gerh but I can always come to you for advice, can't I?'
'You are welcome to ask me whatever you want but I may not always be around when you want to ask me something so you need to learn to trust your instincts and be brave.'
'I will! I promise!' I said wanting him to stop worrying about me.
'One more serious thing Swany. My making love to you without a condom, you don't need to worry about it. I can guarantee it and I knew that I didn't have to worry about you either but if anyone ever tries to fuck you without one or even if you try to fuck someone else, don't be flippant or dismissive about it. You do know that you can't take chances like that even now after all the years that have passed, don't you?'
'Yeah Gerh, I know. I know it was wrong but I trusted you Gerh.'
'Thank you Swany but don't ever trust someone like that again.'
'I promise Gerh.'
'Good! Now on a lighter note Swany, before tonight, I had no idea you shaved or waxed your pubic hair like I do. When did you start doing that?' Gerhardt asked.
'I did it because I had been reading about it and I wanted to know how it felt. I had seen pictures and I also preferred how it looked. Just personal opinion I suppose. Gerh it feels so good when I touch them and now I can honestly say that it feels awesome when you touch them and lick them. The truth is, for me anyway, from the very first time I did it, which was about two years ago, I just loved the way it felt. I love being naked and I love it when my cock and balls are naked too. Some people say it makes your cock look bigger but I reckon that's bullshit. My cock looks the same to me with or without hair, so I guess the ones who say that must have an Amazon Rain Forest growing over their cocks. Irrespective, it feels awesome Gerh.' I replied honestly and Gerhardt laughed loudly.
'Let me tell you Swany, I love your cleared landscape and it tastes good too.' He replied.
'I'm very glad to hear that Gerh.' I said.
'You know that other little bay we passed on the way to Thompson's Bay, what was that called?' He asked unexpectedly.
'Mackenzie's Bay, why?' I queried.
'No reason Swany. I was just wondering.' He answered.
Gerhardt walked me to my door and he kissed me goodbye with a kiss that was smouldering and to my disbelief, left all the other kisses wanting. I asked him to come in and stay but he said that he had to go home because his mum was going to call. I nodded, said goodbye and I walked inside for one of the best sleeps I had experienced in years. It was a sleep that was deep and free and without a care in the world.
I had finally cut the binds that held me stuck in place. I was now what I considered to be a real gay man and I would never hold myself back again. I still had some way to go and a lot to experience but I knew that would all happen over time. I imagined it might even begin the very next day. Gerhardt was wise and could see right through me and gave me what I needed and he also taught me what I needed to know about how to live life.
When I woke the next morning it was with a sense of pride and a smile to conquer the world. Soon after there was a knock at my door and my mother came in looking very serious. She handed me an envelope and she told me that someone had left it on the doorstep. It had nothing but Swany written on it. There was only one person who called me that.
'Before you read your letter Swan, there is something you need to know.'
'What is it mum, why so serious?' I asked.
'I received a call from Gunther's mum this morning. Apparently yesterday afternoon she received a call from Germany. I don't know how much Gerhardt told you about the problems at home but his parents were heading for a divorce.'
'Yeah mum I know.'
'Well the call was from the German police explaining that Gerhardt's father couldn't accept the divorce and he had discovered that Gerhardt mother was seeing another man and so he shot Gerhardt's mother and then himself. They are both dead. I am telling you this because he is going to need all the support he can get. Gunther's mother let him go out with you last night because she didn't want him sitting around in his grief and she thought being with his friends might be helpful. He is very upset and after he came home with you last night, he went out again and he hasn't come home. The police have been notified but there isn't anything they can do yet. Swan, if you have any ideas where he is, I think you should tell me so I can let someone know.
I sat there staring at mum in complete shock. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I felt my heart begin to ache as I thought about what Gerhardt must be going through and I knew I had to see him, find him and be there for him.
'I don't know where he is.' I said and then jumped from my bed, threw on some shorts, runners and a t-shirt and then I ran out of the house not knowing where to go or where to start.
As I reached the front gate I turned and looked down the street to Gunther's place and there was a police car parked out the front. My heart went into my throat and I ran out the gate and ran down to the house. As I reached the gate I looked up at the door and saw Gunther's mother collapse. The police grabbed her and carried her inside and Gunther walked out onto the porch as white as a ghost. I ran up to him and screamed at him to tell me what had happened. He turned and looked at me, staring at me as if staring at nothing. I could feel the tears welling in my eyes in frightened expectation.
'Gunther, tell me what's happened!' I screamed.
'Mackenzie's Bay.' He said in a daze.
My face dropped. 'What about it? Gunther, please tell me.' I begged.
'Gerhardt is dead! He committed suicide in the early hours of this morning. He jumped from the cliff top.'
I started walking backwards. My brain wasn't functioning. I couldn't get a grip on it. I couldn't believe it. I began to run. I roared no and just kept running. The tears were streaming down my face. I wanted to go back to where we had been the night before but soon enough I was exhausted and I knew for now, there was no point. I just wanted to be with him somehow.
'Gerh!' I roared angrily but it only made me feel more lost.
I turned around and went back home. I told my mother what had happened so she would understand why I was in the state I was in and also because I wanted to be left alone. I ran into my room, slammed the door behind me and fell onto my bed in total grief, confusion and resentment. It was selfish but I was too upset to reason or to understand. I cried like I had never cried before. It wasn't just tears of grief, it was the muffled screams of a man within his pillow.
Quite some time later as I twisted on the bed, I heard the sound of paper scrunching beneath me. I sat up and looked down and there was the name Swany looking back at me. I adjusted the pillows and propped myself against them. I held the envelope and stared at my name and I could hear Gerh's voice saying that name to me. The tears rolled again and I wiped at them but no matter how much I wiped, they simply wouldn't stop.
I wanted to open the envelope but I was so afraid. I wanted to know what he had written but I was terrified at the same time. I don't know what I was afraid of. Maybe it would just make it all too real but then all of a sudden I heard Gerh's voice running through my head.
'You are welcome to ask me whatever you want but I may not always be around when you want to ask me something so you need to learn to trust your instincts and be brave.'
'Gerh, you knew. You knew you were going to do it before. Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you let me try to help? I would have been there for you. I would have done anything for you. I was in love with you. Fuck you, Gerh, fuck you!'
I wiped at the tears again as I realised what I had just said and realised that it was true. I had been so naïve and now, how I wished that I had said the words. I didn't know if they would have made a difference but still I wondered if they would have. My teardrops merged and fell in torrents and my heart began to ache from the thought that I would never see him again. I suddenly felt so alone and so afraid and like I didn't know what to do or how to continue but then as I looked at the envelope again, I thought of those words he had said to me. I pulled back the seal and slid the paper from within.
'Swany,
I am so sorry that I have hurt you. Believe me when I tell you that you are the one person in this world I don't want to hurt. I know you can't really understand. I don't suppose there could ever be anything I could say that would help you to understand. I know there was more to my life than my mother and father. You, for example! The only example! Yeah, I really was in love with you Swany! If life had worked out differently, I would have asked you to be my boyfriend. I wish I could have been as courageous as I know you are going to be.
I will try to explain but this isn't a Hollywood movie so this isn't going to be the perfectly written letter that sews everything together with a nice, neat bow.
So here goes. I was an only child. I was so close to my mother and father. I had never loved anyone like I loved my parents. Not until I met you but the point is, I told them everything. They truly knew me right down to the workings of my soul. I told them my deepest fears, my greatest hopes and dreams and though this nagging doubt inside of me is telling me I could have the same with you; I just can't get beyond this pain, this grief, this loss because it is ripping me apart from the inside out and I just don't know how to deal with it. I suppose it makes me weak, pathetic and afraid but as I said, I could never be as courageous as I know you will be.
Please forgive me Swany and though you may think this doesn't make sense; I loved you with my heart and soul. If it's true what they say, I am going to watch over you and I might even be with you right now.
I love you Swany! So long, for now.
Gerh. X
The tears were streaming down my face and I turned and looked at the empty space on the bed beside me where Gerhardt had lay with me that night. Just for the slightest moment, I thought that he was there with me and I felt my heart lift but then it broke again. Teardrops were falling onto his letter and I wiped my face frustrated but still they wouldn't stop. I lifted it and put it to my nose and inhaled and I could smell him and it brought me some ease.
Though Gerhardt's loss was unbearable, somehow I understood. I was still angry and I was still pissed off that he didn't even try to talk to me but I also knew that there probably wasn't anything that I could have done. What he was going through was well beyond my comprehension. I had never lost someone I loved until then and though on some level I wished I was dead too, I couldn't escape his words compelling me to be brave. He was telling me one last thing. He was telling me not to give up like he did.
Two days later I walked into the lounge room to speak with my mother. I told her there was something she needed to know. She looked up at me surprised by my sudden confident, determined and adult demeanour. To be honest, even I could feel the difference and hear it in the tone of my voice.
'What is it Swan?' She asked as she straightened and gave me her full attention.
'There is something I need to tell you about myself. I am telling you this because I love you, I know you love me and because I respect the honesty you instilled within me and that we have always had between each other.'
'Okay Swan, I'm listening.' She said as her eyes opened wider at the change in me. I sat down opposite her.
'I also want you to understand that this isn't up for debate and that I have completely accepted what I am about to tell you.'
'Okay!' She said, now slightly uneasy.
'Mum, I am gay and as far as I know, I always have been and always will be.'
I saw her swallow hard but to my relief, I didn't see anger, revulsion or any disappointment. I waited silently for her to process my words and their meaning and I watched as her blue-grey eyes stared unbroken at me.
'Are you happy about this?' She asked.
'It isn't about that mum. It is about the truth and acceptance and the ability to be brave enough to be myself irrespective of what others think but yes mum, I'm happy.' I replied.
'Swan, you are my son and I love you. I will love you no matter what and you have made me very proud of you over the last eighteen years but never so much as you have here today.'
I could see there were other thoughts behind her eyes and I guessed at what they might be. The most likely, had I done anything yet? I thought that would be covered next and so I continued almost immediately.
'What I am going to tell you now mum is for your ears only. This is a private matter and it concerns only two people and so I'm asking you for your word that you will not reveal this information to anyone?'
'Swan, you're okay aren't you?' She asked fearfully.
Why is that still the thought that goes through so many people's head's? Will they ever truly accept that it isn't a gay disease?
'I'm perfectly fine mum, in that respect anyway.' I replied but I wasn't about to enter into a tutoring session on the subject. Now was not the time.
'I'm glad and I give you my word.' She said.
'Mum, I was in love with Gerhardt and he loved me too.' I said.
As my words registered, I saw her lips purse, her chin quiver and then she cried and as I watched the tears fall from her eyes, I passed the letter to her to read. She looked at it and remembered and then she looked at me distraught and opened it. A few minutes later she placed it on the lounge beside her and stood and crossed to me and pulled me up into her arms, embracing me tightly for quite some time. I could feel myself breaking inside again and as the first few tears fell, I swallowed it back and knew that I had to stay brave for Gerh.
The next day there was a service held for Gerhardt. It was small with only those that knew him and some indirect family that lived in Australia. His body was to be flown back to Germany the following day where he would be buried along side his mother and father. The information had irritated me at first but as I thought more deeply about it, I remembered what he had said to me in his letter and I knew being with his parents was exactly where he would want to be. I stayed in the background with my mother and I was impassive, perhaps detached. No one had known that I was gay and no one had been aware of Gerhardt's sexuality either. Subsequently, no one knew what I was feeling, accept of course for my mother. It wasn't necessary for any of this to be known by those who were here. I looked at Gunther at a certain moment however and I knew I was going to come out to him when things had settled down. Still I was never going to tell him about Gerh. Planting seeds without purpose was pointless.
Within an hour of arriving home I had changed my clothes and I was walking to Thompson's Bay. I had thought about going to Mackenzie's Bay but it just seemed wrong. I was certain he had thought of me while he was there but that location wasn't about him and I or our brief time together. Thompson's Bay was however and so that was where I needed to go. I was more than happy when I saw my rock, our rock, vacant and no one anywhere near it. I sat down on it and I felt a wave of emotion pass over me but then I smiled. There was nothing here that was bad or hurtful, unless I wanted to create something out of his knowledge and secrecy. I didn't want to. This was the beginning for me in the here and now and it was the beginning for him in his wherever but more than anything, It was the beginning for us. I am not going to attempt to explain that for anyone. If you get it, then you get it and if you don't, then you don't.
I sat quietly for a couple of hours and I imagined, real or fantasy, Gerhardt was sitting right next to me. It was at some point while I sat there that I realised no matter how devastating, how tragic or how unfortunate Gerhardt's loss was; something good had come out of it. I am not being selfish but Gerhardt's gift to me on this rock, his words as we walked home and the aftermath of his final actions, had moulded me into the beginnings of who I was at that moment and also yet to become.
With that thought my mind went to all of the boys and men alike, living within the world, guys who are living their lives in fear the way I had. The terror of being themselves, of what other people would think of them and of how they would be treated. I also thought of the ones like me, so fearful of taking the first step or maybe even later steps, to stand naked, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, allowing themselves to be vulnerable, before passing through that wall of fear and embracing the one who stands on the other side. I understand that fear. I lived within it for years.
Cathartic as the writing of this story may be for me; out of the time in the sun on the rock, with my belief that Gerhardt's spirit sat beside me, this story is a truth for gay men in fear. To a certain degree, it is also for bisexual men living in fear as well.
I know how the following will sound to each of you who are living within the fear and I also know all of the thoughts you will think and all of the excuses you will give yourself and though you may not be gifted with a Gerhardt to cut the ties that bind, you must step forward because the you that you think that you are, is not you at all. The real you is on the other side of the fear. It is the truth and there is nothing more that needs to be said.
So Gerhardt was telling me finally not to submit to fear. He was explaining to me in his own indirect way that a life lived in fear was not really living at all. Trust me when I say that he was one hundred percent correct. In those times when I feared my sexuality, when I feared sex and most of all, when I feared people and how the knowledge would affect their love, their respect or whether they would remain in my life; I didn't realise what the true affect was. The affect is that when we do this, we are placing priority importance on everything and everyone, above and beyond ourselves. It is our life, it is our dignity and it is our integrity that we are questioning when we place ourselves second. No one can live another person's life. We must live our lives for ourselves and that is not selfish, it is positive. If we do not do this because of fear, it is negative and therefore, we can never truly be positive in another person's life, let alone our own.
Be brave but cautious! Be brave and don't give up. This is what Gerhardt taught me and it is the message I realised he left that others needed to hear. Do not submit to fear! Thanks to Gerh, eventually I didn't and years later, I am a healthy, happy and confident man and I still live by all of his words he left me with as we walked home. I will always love Gerh to the day that I die and I still believe he is by my side.
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