fort troff new toys

Anytime you shop on Fort Troff it's like being in a giant sex pig mall. Except unlike the real mall (where during your lunch hour you can suck 40 cocks in that men's room just to the left of the out of business Godiva Chocolatier between the cell phone kiosk and Waffle Cones Unlimited) there is no gloryhole stall. And there doesn't need to be because the entire site is one giant sex pig toilet heaven already. Sex toys and the internet, together forever.

I should warn you that Fort Troff is NSFW. I know you're super concerned about that! And yes, this may be the first recorded instance of an NSFW link warning in a blog post sporting a cock photo. Where's my Golden Irony Award?

So what are the top three new finds on Fort Troff? Pictured from left to right are:

FT Grunt Kong Dong: A 7" around cock sheath strap-on deal for the biological man who wants to pretend to be a cockless person who wears a dong, or for the man who wants two penises, or the woman who wants a penis and vagina, or something like that. I wonder what it feels like on the dick and in the ass. Probably tight inside and big and hard outside. Win and win.

Bumper Brite: "Wanna brighter smile? Get an all-day pucker with dazzling results!" That's right, you don't have to rely on the waiter at International House of Pancakes to take care of you down there during brunch rush. Finally there's an at-home anus bleaching liquid. I'm not using the word bleach literally. I've just heard it called that in classy media establishments like The Howard Stern Show. I'm sure you're free to contact Fort Troff for an ingredient list to make sure you feel good about dabbing it on your rear window. Smile wide!

Guzzler Silicone Gag: This one's really complicated. You can submissively swallow the urine stream (or almond milk or whatever) through that red opening but the funnel part inside is flexible so you can bite down on it to stop the flow. Of course if the piss top keeps peeing, it will just spill out onto your face, which would be tragic. Piss bottoms hate getting piss on their faces.

Sex toys are toys. Have fun!

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