There's this funny word that thinking people apply when they are preparing something, be it business or personal. It's called'planning. That's right, you too can plan something before executing it. The benefit of doing so is helping to ensure that the end result of your endeavor is something as clean and smooth as possible with minimal defects or 'issues'. But maybe you've noticed that, in the porn industry, planning is usually a foreign concept'lack of or poor model screening, camerawork so shaky that you get nauseous, models who can't form a complete sentence because they haven't rehearsed anything, and the list goes on. This week, let's take a brief look at what I see as one of the most annoying errors which often occurs in amateur porn.

When you're at a public speaking engagement or in a movie theater, what do they always tell you before the event begins? Silence your cell phones and pagers. Most people are conscious about this, and if they happen to forget, they immediately take care of it upon being reminded. But apparently, porn producers have the inability to think ahead and turn off their fucking phones when they're shooting a production. I can't tell you how many times in recent months that I've been screening a porn site, and while watching a really hot model pound his pud to oblivion, suddenly in the midst of the action, a loud, obnoxious, warbling phone blasts through the air waves. What's worse is that Murphy's Law seems to be in effect, and the ringing often occurs right during the cum shot! What invariably happens is two things: 1. The model reacts to the noise, thus pulling himself and the audience out of the heat of the moment and into an annoying reality. 2. The cameraman stumbles or shakes the camera and sometimes botches the shot at hand. And usually, the ringing goes on and on and on and nobody does anything about it. Or, the cameraman might pause the filming, only to pick up again when the model's starting to lose wood. Blah!

Now, I'm not asking for the moon. I'm not even asking for a tiny chunk of moon-rock. What I'm asking is that porn producers have enough of a brain and a thoughtfulness to turn off phones and answering machines and whatever other noisy-ass doo-dads they've got on the set. I mean, come on! Here's this cutie patootie jerking off for ya, but a phone starts ringing, and ringing, and ringing, and ringing, until you want to yell at the screen, 'Answer the damn phone, ya moron!' It doesn't take too much thought to consider these things and to be smart about it. You don't hear phones ringing at funerals, do ya? You don't hear the Justice of the Peace answering a call while he's pronouncing man and wife, do ya?

Even funnier to me than the irritating bells of ringing phones during hot sex is when you can actually hear people off camera stomping into the room during a porn shoot, obviously having no clue that a production is in progress. Sometimes you'll hear people knocking on the door and climbing up sets of stairs. Hell, why not throw in a barking dog to really fuck it all up, eh? We could have a jet flying overhead, a blender crushing ice, and a talking parrot for good measure! Ya know, anything to distract the attention from the sex. Sheesh!

Dear mighty porn producers: pull your heads out of yer butt-tunnels and learn how to plan for your shoot. What, do you just roll out of bed and turn the camera on with no thought as to what the hell you're doing? Wake up, wipe out the eye-boogers, and prepare your shoot before you execute it. And if you don't turn off the ringers of your phones, I swear I'm gonna come through the monitor at ya and take your toy-camera away!



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