Something for the Weekend: Nothing Is Gayer than This

Maximum gayness has occurred. Not 100 guy gangbang gay as in literally homosexual. And not Anderson Cooper at an Andy Cohen pool party gay as in literally millionaire gay. Just the kind of gay that bullies can't resist fucking with. Aerobics gay. Fucking aerobics gay.

If you want to get that song out of your head, first remember it's not so much a song as a broken synthesizer stuck on a "Repeat Horrible" setting. Then listen to something even worse, like Maroon 20 or Matchbox 5 or Johnny Depp interviews. 

Then masturbate furiously (as in fast and angry) to the beat until the world implodes and your hair gels itself or turns fake blonde or real blonde and all the clothes in your closet turn into spandex and your wingtip shoes turn into bouncy white sneakers.

Then suck 101 cocks to outgay the video. Because that's the only thing missing. Perfection has arrived. Zumba has nothing on this. And Pilates can totally fuck off. Not to mention weightlifting. 

So when is this going to be an Olympic sport because I want to see what European countries will do in this realm. I'm thinking some Parisians maybe particularly flexible. I have no Euro stereotypes to base that on. Just hoping some Frenchman can do the splits on my face. I mean on stage. I mean on stage on my face. I'll personally award him the gold medal.

Well maybe it would be more of a white medal. And maybe it won't be made of metal but rather some sort of thick fluid. But it will hang around his neck so there's that.