I love adult entertainment. Porno provides an outlet of fantasy, of education, and a method of satisfying our dirty little needs when perhaps our normal sex life is not as thrilling as we'd like it to be. I could list a hundred reasons why porno is so wonderful. But I've got something specific sticking in my craw, and maybe you do, too.

It goes without saying that the quality of porno on the Internet and in the DVD market varies. There's great porn, there's adequate porn, and then there's crappy porn. Believe it or not, there is much more to making a good porno than just hiring hot models with big wangs. Good porno requires models that are not only hot, but who have natural erotic energy and the ability to entice the viewer. Good porno also requires a director who has an imaginative mind, someone who shows us angles we haven't seen before and turns the camera into an extension of the viewer's eyes, ears, and dick. This leads me to a particular kind of director that porno would be a lot better without.

Have you ever been watching a solo jackoff video, and just when you're really into it and the model is turning you on, suddenly you hear this craggy, wheezy, revolting voice from off camera who starts yapping to the model about his sexual likes and dislikes, the last time he had sex, etc. Do you find this annoying? Shouldn't directors be not seen and not heard? Who wants to hear some old pervert grilling a model about their sex life or instructing them on how to jack off? Such tedious intrusions from the director totally break the mood and the illusion of the production. Why does this happen? Because these guys aren't professionals. They don't have the skill or desire to edit properly, so everything they shoot goes in, including their own warbling. It apparently hasn't occurred to them to provide direction before the camera is turned on, or to perhaps pause filming when needed.

The adult film industry has taken vastly downward turns in recent years as the Internet has become the main mode of display and distribution. Now, every moron with a video camera thinks he can make porn. This has resulted in a growing quantity of poorly produced videos that are dull and seem to be nothing more than a method of dirty old men recruiting hot young dudes to step in front of their camera so that these perverts can cop a feel. But do we really want to see this? Nope. We want to see hot guys in action with themselves and each other, not with the neighborhood troll.

There are two directors in particular who have the unswerving ability to completely ruin what might otherwise be a supremely hot porno sequence. The first is Uncle Don. You know who I'm talking about, don't ya? He has produced an insanely high volume of crappy videos starring mostly straight military dudes who've never appeared on camera before. Sure, some of the guys are attractive and worth looking at, but Uncle Don always ruins it by stepping into places that he shouldn't. He has a voice that can curdle milk and make small children cry in terror. It's bad enough that we have to hear him babble to the models (and the models don't seem to be happy about it either), but we also have to listen to his raspy breathing while he shakes the camera around. And if that's not bad enough, the old bastard usually wraps his grubby paw around these guys' cocks and plays with them a little. I don't know about you, but watching a 60-something fat claw massage the cock of a nervous 18-year old straight guy is not thrilling. It's just gross.

The second director that needs to seal his mouth is the man behind Miami Studios. I am more lenient with this individual because he has used some excellent models and occasionally knows how to shut his trap. However, just like Uncle Don, he has the ability to consistently distract sequences by talking to the models, or simply by breathing so loud that you wonder if he needs oxygen. You will often notice that a model is trying to get into the mood, trying to think about something erotic while he jacks off, and this mood is disrupted every twenty seconds when the director asks a stupid question or starts clowning around. This is coupled by an unearned arrogance that many of these directors possess. They talk to the models as if they own them, constantly referring to them as hun and sweetie. It's pathetic and degrading.

Again, the key problem here is the lack of professionalism. These dudes are not filmmakers and have no real sense of style or the desire to make something of quality. If you've been around long enough to remember the early days of porn when they were shot on film and shown in theaters, you will remember that there were strong production values and you never, ever heard some idiot's voice off camera or saw a botched cum shot. They were professionally produced like a Hollywood movie by men who took it seriously. Any selfish desires they may have had were committed off camera. They were smart enough to know what we do and don't want to see or hear.

If you are as irritated as I am by these amateur videos featuring chatty directors, please tell the people who need to know! Write to them and tell 'em to put a sock in it! You may not believe it, but producers of adult entertainment do care about your opinions. In fact, most Webmasters of adult sites welcome and encourage feedback about the quality of their products. Unfortunately, most porno connoisseurs do not speak up, probably from shyness or they doubt that anybody cares. Porno is like any other product. It should be good and deliver what it promises. Just because it's naughty doesn't mean it's okay for it to be poorly made (especially considering how expensive adult DVDs are). And if you're a director of adult entertainment, amateur or professional, take heed. We don't wanna hear you flap your gums, we just wanna hear when that model cums!


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