nude metro

Hey, look up from your crossword puzzle, it's a naked or near-naked guy headed somewhere on public transportation. In fact, since you're sitting near him, you're going the same direction, maybe even the same place. Make sure to check if he's wearing some kind of footwear. Naked but footwear equals maybe sane and feel free to give the guy your business card (or tape it to him). But naked with no footwear equals straight up fucking nuts. Keep doing that puzzle.

If there had been a full-on gay porn industry in 1951, surely some enterprising person would've named a flick Naked Strangers on a Train, after Hitchcock's Strangers on Train (itself full of gay undertones). Sticking with the most popular titles of 1951, we also could have been treated to these obscene flicks (in a plain brown wrapper):

  • Ace in the Hole becomes In Ace's Hole
  • A Streetcar Named Desire becomes A Streaker Named Dennis
  • The African Queen becomes The African-American Queen
  • Flying Leathernecks becomes Crying Leathermen
  • M becomes Mmmmmm and
  • Captain Horatio Hornblower becomes Captain Horatio Hornblower

Alas, there was no value in Athletic Model Guild and other vintage beefcake producers to play off pop culture in the same ways as now. Though I just bet the first naked guy in a train happened within minutes of the first train in the world. There just weren't cameras at the time, but technically exhibitionism doesn't need a camera. Remember that the next time you're taking off your clothes in public.

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