With all the complaining I do about crappy porn, you might think that I don't like anything! But I do, I do! There are a number of great Web sites that are actually worth maintaining ongoing memberships. There are some wonderful amateur porn companies such as Defiant Productions and Xtreme Productions who are producing wonderful stuff that's worth keeping on the ole DVD shelf. Nevertheless, I have so many pet peeves about porn, perhaps because I love porn so much that I want it to be the best it can be, just like I want a movie or a TV show to be the best it can be, or a song, or a book. Is it outrageous to hope that porno directors can aspire to do better? This week, I want to tell you about three of my many peeves. I suspect they annoy some of you, too.

Limp Dicks

Have you ever been watching a scene with a gorgeous laddie who just can't seem to get it up? I have yet to figure out what makes any porno director think that watching a guy play with a flaccid willie is sexy. It's not. It's frustrating. You spend the whole time hoping this dude is gonna deliver. Instead, you spend the length of the scene continuously hitting the Fast Forward button on your remote control, only to find that by the end of the scene when the cum shot arrives, he barely dribbles anything out'and his dick is still fucking limp! The lesson to be learned here is that directors need to stop being lazy cheap-asses. There are so many methods to ensure that your models rise to the occasion. Get a fluffer! Put some porn on in the background! Tell them not to have sex for at least two days prior to the shoot! Give them a Viagra! Do whatever it takes to ensure that the model delivers what the audience wants to see. And hey, here's an idea'if the model doesn't have what it takes, dump him! There are too many directors who don't want to spend the time and money to properly screen their models and make sure they can make the grade, and re-shoots are a rare occurrence. Don't hire the first hottie you find on the street corner. Make sure he really wants to be in porn and that he has some level of natural sexiness and energy. Don't hire a street hustler who just wants to make a buck. If we wanna see limp dicks, we'll go watch shrinkage in the nearest gymnasium's shower stalls!


I've mentioned before how I can't stand directors that babble incessantly to the models, and I think I made my point quite clear on that subject. But there are some other sound issues that can often break the mood of an otherwise potentially great scene. First, if your model doesn't have the ability to turn himself on and he must view a porno'that's fine, but for God's fucking sake, turn the sound off. It's detrimental to a gay man's erection to be watching a hot guy jacking off, only to be distracted by the boisterous noise of some slutty chick screaming her head off while she gets plugged. Yes, it's wonderful to see the model's facial reactions to what he's watching and to see how his stroke rhythm rises and falls, but do we really have to hear all that female squealing? It's a major turn-off. On a similar note, I find it very disappointing to see porn in which the sound is completely eliminated and replaced with music. That's such a cheat. It allows the director to give frequent verbal instructions to the models because the sound isn't being recorded. The downside of that is that we don't get to hear the model. A strong aspect of erotica and the turn-on factor is hearing the model's heavy breathing and moaning, especially when they cum. We need to hear that, boys. If a director has properly prepared himself and the model, directions should be minimal during the shoot, and if they must provide constant direction, there's this marvelous tool called editing in which you cut out the parts with the director's voice. Simple solution to a simple problem.

Botched Cum Shots

It's incredibly important that any model who's about to do a solo or duo scene should be stroke-free for at least two days prior to the shoot. This is clearly a rule that many directors do not enforce. How many times have you spent watching a beautiful boy stroke his meat for twenty minutes, only to find that when he cums, he barely has any jizz and it seems to just sort of piddle out like a runny nose? That is so disappointing, isn't it? It's not the model's fault. It's poor preparation on the director's part. The director needs to provide whatever tools are necessary to keep that model excited and hard enough to cut diamonds. Another common porn foible is when the cum shot arrives unexpectedly, and the director is apparently picking his nose or something, and the result is that he fails to capture the full cum shot. Sometimes there's an abrupt cut, and when the image returns, the cum is already half spent and you've missed the beginning of that precious moment. Or, the cum shot is in frame, but the director is half-asleep and fails to get proper focus, so as the cum is pumping, the camera is going in and out of a blur. I saw an amazing auto fellatio sequence recently on a Web site, and the director was so unprepared that when the boy came in his own mouth, the first several spurts were completely lost, and we actually hear the model say to the director: 'You should have told me to warn you before I came. I thought you were ready.' It's kinda sad when the model is telling the director what he should do to get good material. Kinda funny, too.

If you, too, get irritated by colossal screw-ups in porn, tell us about it! We'd love to hear your thoughts and open them up further for exploration. Since we're all about porn here, the subject never tires and there are endless perspectives and opinions to share. In the meantime, to the directors to whom the above statements apply'please, take heed and listen to us, your audience. We care, and so should you.

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