Ever been watching a sex flick, whether on DVD, a pay site or tube porn, and find yourself really grossed out by something you didn't expect to see? Or maybe you knew there might be something gross and you decided to take a look out of curiosity only to find that your eyes were bigger than your stomach. I'm not talking about the obvious stuff like scat, which may be horrifying to many but is actually an erotic art form to some. I'm not even going to crack that egg open again. I'm talking about weirder stuff that boggles the mind and makes you raise the question, "Who the fuck finds this nasty shit sexy?" Consider these examples:
- Name That Toot - Mind you, I happen to think that farting is damn near the funniest noise known to man. But in porn, a fart is the last thing I want to hear. I've been surfing around Xtube and similar sites and been horrified at images of guys farting tunes out of their butts and actually jacking off while they're doing it! At first, I laugh my ass off, but when the farts start to sound...well...wet, that's when the joke goes sour. Worst of all, it's not a joke to the participants. Ultimately because of the humor factor, this perverted act is only marginally gross, but it still blows my mind to think that some dudes get turned on by brown shenanigans.
- Gag Me - I've stated before that watching and/or hearing guys gag on big cocks is a total turn-off to me. But, I have also stated that I understand why some dudes might find it exciting. There is something satisfying to a well-hung man to see a guy choke on his dick; it's a total "my dick's so huge you can't take it" pride thing mixed with dominance, and I can relate to that. In that spirit, a little gagging here and there is no big deal. But when a guy gags so intensely that you hear retching noises and see his throat bulging, it doesn't inspire titillation in me...it inspires fear! I came across a collection of Asian porn recently in which periodically these little Thai boys were gagging so hard on cock that they frequently turned away and puked up spit. The videographer apparently thought it was cool because he kept taking close-ups of the growing puddle of spit-puke on the floor. This is the kind of grosser-than-gross action that makes me wanna gag as well. Please, mighty porn producers: if a boy is choking on a dick so badly that he's vomiting, turn the fucking camera off and get another model. Nobody wants to see that shit except puke fetishists, a faction of freaks who need to go meet each other on an island far, far away from me.
- Would You Like Pepperoni or Sausage? - I don't get too critical about boys in porn with bad acne or the occasional unsightly body pimple. After all, some of these cuties are fresh out of high school and haven't yet abandoned their Oxy phase. But, a skilled producer should take care to apply some make-up where necessary and to avoid close-ups that draw attention to blemishes. Look, if a guy's hot and the action is sexy, I don't care if he's got a pizza face. But, if he's got more pixels on his mug than a 70" plasma screen, that just ain't hot. Even so, I still can look beyond it. It's when there's massive zits on the chest or the back or the ass that I wanna sound the gross-out alarm. Okay fine, so a model's ass is covered with acne. In that case, work around it and avoid close-ups. But I swear there are some men behind the camera who have no ability to discern what they're looking at. It's as if some of them want you to study the acne up close and personal. That makes no sense at all.
- Worse Than Hell - Two words for ya: Robert Prion. You may remember his massive line of vids produced in the '90s, many of which were quite hot and featured oodles of stunning and beautiful men (including Karl Thomas who was a Prion regular). I have no quarrel with the quality of Mr. Prion's productions, but I have a quarrel with the presence of his nasty ass in so many of those vids. I realize that some dudes like older men in porn and some don't, and that is nothing more than a matter of taste. But I'm sorry, Robert Prion is one of the ugliest, grossest and most non-photogenic dorks I've ever seen. He often paired himself up with the newest and youngest hottie, and it just destroyed the scenes and made me feel incredibly sorry for the models. You don't put a cutie like Ricky Thomas or Robby Taylor with Prion and expect to get anything out of it other than a stomach ache. It's bad enough to look at his apish body and that weird swoop-do haircut, but then to hear him talk dirty to those hot models made it all so laughably bad and urp-inducing. Thank goodness he eventually phased himself out of appearing in his productions, but the scars are still there, I tell ya. They still burn.
I would love to hear from some of you as to what grosses you out in porn. Surely there are things that make you hit the skip button or have to run to the can to get some Pepto. Don't be shy. Share your gross-out pain...