This one's got all the trappings of a Golden Girls Sophia Petrillo story. Picture it. Potsdam, New York. May 15, 2013. A shopper inside a Hannaford grocery store (not either of the two guys above, of course) allegedly decided to rub his exposed penis on a packaged stick of pepperoni then put the food back on the shelf.
He's been charged with public lewdness and fourth-degree criminal mischief. I use the word allegedly loosely as the act was caught on video surveillance. I use the word act literally because this would make a great act, say as part of a John Waters movie.
The pepperoni (which I'll note is already dead animal flesh so didn't give a fuck about this whole thing) was destroyed. And the 41 year old male is in jail in lieu of making bail. Lovely.
The real tragedy is the Fox 28 WNYF article has no comments. You can see his sour mug though. Now how many times has he done it and not been caught?!