gaping male assholes

Fweeeeeeeeeh is the onomatopoeia for the asshole gape. Or in Latin, assholius gapius. To make the sound, either gape your actual asshole or say "fweeeeeeeeeh" out loud while inhaling. Since "throw shade" and "side boob" just made the Oxford English Dictionary, can one of the numerous sounds of the sphincter be far behind?

Which make me think, Sounds of the Sphincter is a great name for an ambient music album. Not of as much historical value as Sounds of the Sphinx but the asshole gape is equally ancient, and dare I say it, classic.

So if an asshole gaped in the woods and nobody was there to fuck it, would it still gape? And what's the sound of one asshole gaping? And is it appropriate to try to toss acorns into a gaped hole? If, as indicated by the classic book A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, why can't a tree grow in an asshole?

Curious? Just don't attempt the instagape. It's tempting but more mythical than anything. Ease into the gape, because once you're there (or he's there), he can gape all night long, or at least until his annoying roommate gets home.

And if you unveil your gape and for some reason that special guy finds it shocking and déclassé and breaks up with you because he just can't stomach going to J. Crew with you anymore, remember these words: "Tis better to have gaped and lost than never to have gaped at all." Alfred Lord Tennyson like totally said that.

Or maybe it was Tim Kruger. I can't remember. My asshole is super wide right now and it's kind of distracting.


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