I'm sure somewhere between a bunch of barely legal teens traipsing around in their tighty-whiteys in ways that make you question your worth as a sexual being, and running their fingers along their midriffs in curiously porn-ish ways under the hot, desert sun, "1313: Nightmare Mansion," a new, low-budget horror film about Lord-knows-what has that certain something. But until we figure out what that something is exactly, let's just toss the whole bag of chips up into the air and hope Survivor winner-slash-model Jud 'Fabio' Birza lands on one us.

It's a tough row to hoe, you know, once you've not only entered into American Reality Television Legendhood but you've done so as the winner of one of the most popular American 'reality' television shows in history, like, ever: Survivor. (I mean, really, what else do Americans have to give the world right now besides priced-out-of-reach electric vehicles?) But Survivor, which debuted in the states on May 31, 2000 (it runs for two cycles every year and Birza won season 21), has ended. And for impossibly good-looking survivalist, Jud 'Fabio' Birza, life in the 15-minute fast lane moves on. And by taking a feature role in a horror film that will probably only be seen by girls who've just learned how to use their first applicator and homosexuals, ages 13 to 80, Mr. Barza has established two of the three pillars he'll need if he's ever to see a) "1313: Nightmare Mansion 2: The Short Sell" b) his very own YouTube channel including recipes for his favorite macaroni dishes and c) the cover of gay magazine that routinely features anyone cute, shirtless, eating a wet noodle from one end while a puppy eats from the other.

Insert third pillar here.

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