Let's talk about penises in porn. I've spoken before about how the beauty of a well-proportioned wang makes or breaks a porn scene, and I continue to see the March of the Puny Peckers blithely stomping through this cybersex universe. Consider these finer points of porn cocksmanship:

The Good

  • If it's above average in either length or thickness, you've got yourself a good porn dick.
  • If it isn't above average but looks really, really hot on camera, again you've got yourself a well-qualified porn dick. Some penises can look a couple of inches bigger on camera. A talented filmmaker can make a 6-inch penis look like 8 inches if he uses creative angles and forced perspective.
  • Big mushroom heads look particularly stunning on camera, especially when captured in POV shots when you get to see that sweet boytoy sucking on that big ole dong and fluttering his eyelashes at ya. That's magic right there.
  • Shooting skill. Cocks that dribble rather than spurt don't inspire much excitement. Cocks that blast baby rockets to the moon are something profoundly sexy and should be cultivated whenever possible.

The Bad

  • Below average in length or thickness = boredom. I've been whining for years now about the continuing decline of big dicks in porn. I am so damn tired of watching models on websites with 5-inch semi-erect penises that have no entertainment value. What is going on with the human gene pool? Did somebody hijack the big-dick chromosomes? Sheesh.
  • If a cock is so puny that you need to use the zoom button on your remote control to see it better, then you may as well skip to the next scene.
  • Nobody likes a soft pecker except doctors and tailors. I cannot for the sweet life of me think of any reason that a penis in porn should be limp. If it is, it's in the wrong business. It is so tedious to watch a model flogging his limp noodle for 15 minutes until he finally spits out a little gob of cocksnot. It's like watching a vid about the sadness of impotency. Here's an idea, mighty director: either give the model some Viagra, get him off drugs and booze, or fire his ass.
  • One of my peeves is oral sex in porn that hides the dick. Some men deliver blowjobs in a rapid and repetitive motion, never pulling the dick out of their mouths to lick or jerk it or show it off to the camera. Sure, it's lovely to see a shaft sliding in and out of a dude's gullet, but if you never get to see that slobber-covered shiny penis, it doesn't have the same erotic impact, and it's even worse if the dude giving the blowjob is less than appealing to look at. I've seen beautiful dicks get sadly underexposed in poorly shot vids, and I just can't stand watching a hot dick get wasted or sucked on by a dude with a face that turns stomachs. A talented and camera-aware lad knows how to show off the cock he's servicing. I dated a guy once who, whenever he blew me, would periodically take my dick out of his mouth, stare at it with wide eyes, then make a giddy little mmmmm sound before he started gobbling again. The excitement and titillation he was experiencing was evident by the expression on his face and the purring noises. That's the kind of fun I'm talking about. Don't suck on a dick like you've done it 8,000 times; suck it like it's the first penis that's ever entered between your lips.

The Ugly

  • One simple word: growths. Ya know, if your model has something growing on his penis, such as a wart or some other unidentifiable monstrosity, it's probably best to cast somebody else. A cock in porn shouldn't make the viewer think about venereal disease and tumors.
  • Some men prefer cut dicks, and some prefer uncut. I have no prejudice against either, but uncut dicks tend to have a higher rate of "ugly" on camera than cut dicks. Big uncut dicks look great, especially if they're like giant Italian sausages, but nappy penises that are all foreskin and no meat are really revolting in porn.

This is all highly superficial and callous, ain't it? But porn isn't about emotional sensitivity or supporting the old adage, it's what's inside that counts. In this case, there is no such thing as inside. What's on the outside needs to be good, worthy and hot, otherwise us porn hounds are going to keep sniffing around elsewhere. So, next time you're watching a porn that has penis issues, ask yourself how you would film or cast it better. The way porn is today, I frequently think that a monkey, two pelicans and a giraffe good produce better erotica than most humans. Hmmm...I smell an experiment in the works...

JRE

Editor


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