Ask GayDemon: Wet Willie

Everytime I get fucked I feel like I need to pee. Is this normal or is there something wrong with me and how can I stop it from happening?

-Naked Niagara Falls

Are you saying you don't look good in yellow? To be fair, it can be a tough color to pull off. So you might consider wearing some dangly fluorescent yellow earrings to bed to complete the look. If you get fucked in toilet stalls, then wear dangly non-fluorescent yellow earrings because when you're getting fucked in a toilet stall, mall security could walk in at any moment and you don't want to attract attention to yourself with the whole fluorescent thing.

I can tell you're worried so I'm going to get real with you. Full-on urethra real. And that should be your drag name: Urethra Franklin. You could lipsync Aretha Franklin songs but as sung really badly on reality show singing competitions. If you ever need backup lipsyncers you can go with the Rhea sisters: Gona and Dia. I hear they work cheap. I hear they are cheap. Whores.

Is any of this helping? Of course it is.

Try a piss enema and don't tell the top in advance. So it will be a major surprise when it feels like he's fucking a waterbed. And the waterbed pops a gushing yellow leak. This will completely distract him from any actual pee leakage from your cock slit. Because that would be embarrassing.

You're not actually going to pee though. It just feels like you are because his cock is jabbing all up in your business. It's like a psychosomatic pee urge, not entirely based on the pressure from his cock, but also just your body not used to being penetrated. The confusing urge and trigger to pee (whether psychological or physical or some combination) should fade after you get fucked a few hundred more times. So in a couple weeks.

Until then, consider these stopgap measure. Strap a tiny bucket to your dickhead to catch the pee. It can also be an imaginary bucket because you're not actually going to pee. You're just going to think you are and that can be stressful and when it comes to any type of stress in life, tiny buckets are generally the way to go.

Alternately, get some rubber sheets and find a guy super into pee. Problem is he may be disappointed when you don't actually pee so you'll feel abnormal in that context. Perhaps your feeling abnormal is something you carry with you through all experiences, even opposite ones. You might want to write an advice columnist about that!

If you fail at all of this, then just wear a nice, new white jockstrap to the gym, then meet up with one of your tops, drink a swimming pool's worth of water, take his cock inside you, and let your cock soak your jock with pee. I, I mean someone who is not me, will definitely want that jockstrap, or at least a picture of it. So you'd be turning your abnormality into public service. That should make you feel amazing. I have made you feel amazing.

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