Ask GayDemon: Top vs. Top

I have a date with a guy next Wednesday. We're both tops! I didn't want to say I was a top because I fancy him so much. What should I do?

-Closet Top

That's a huge problem. A date with a guy? How fucked up is that! Especially on a Wednesday. At least if it were a Friday night you could plead your case that you got swept up in weekend homosexuality, a phenomenon which victimizes many. But a Wednesday? That sounds intentionally gay.

But apparently gay conversion therapy is kind of looked down upon lately (by homo-homophobes), so I can't really suggest that. Darn anti-antigay activists, ruining everything. So you're stuck going out with this guy. But seriously, yuck.

So at this point, you know he's a top because either it was in his personal ad or he told you directly or one of his previous victim-bottoms told you (probably bragging about it). Clearly, it's great that you're starting off your sure to be long term relationship with a lie by omission. Luckily, lies provide the cornerstone of most successful gay relationships. Like that dead dyke poet Emily Dickinson was a total fucking liar. As was modern-day dyke poet Anderson Cooper (pre-coming out).

So I'll give you a line that will melt steel: "I've never bottomed before because I've never met anyone I wanted to bottom for. Until you." Of course, if that sentiment were true, you wouldn't have a problem, but at this point, it remains a total lie. But if this connection is going to go anywhere, you're going to have to turn that lie upside down. And turn your frown into the truth. I know that makes perfect sense to you.

Start practicing your moans. It's amazing how sonically close a painful moan and a pleasure moan are. And having a tight hole is a plus. So don't practice fucking yourself at all. And don't tell him to go slow. Just think about how lonely you'll be without him and let that fear of sorrow be your lube.

If at some point you discover it actually feels good to be fucked, don't tell him like that's some revelation because then he'll wonder why you ever wanted to get fucked if you'd hated it to that point. Anecdotal evidence says it can take anywhere from 1 to 1,100 fucks for it to start feeling good. And if it never feels good for you, at least make it feel good for him. You may not have the physical prowess to be the most amazing bottom, but you can at least put your needs last. Most guys super appreciate that.

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