Ask GayDemon: So Wrong It's Right?

I’m a gay guy with a bi boyfriend and he doesn’t always seem keen on sex with guys. When he does it has to be as if it’s “wrong” and “degrading”, but I love him and want to be with him. How can that fit in with my life and what I want or am I kidding myself?
-Gay Meets Bi

I thought it's bisexual folks to who get pinne with the "confused" stereotype. Seems like you're doing your best to counter that because you're the one who's confused.

He totally knows what he wants: sex play with an air of the forbidden. If he actually thought it was wrong, he'd be checking into some ex-gay conversion program (which totally wouldn't work of course). He'd actually be trying to beat the gay out of himself, going to some toupee convention at a Ramada Inn or wherever ex-gays hang out.

They probably have to make damn sure the hotel doesn't have a gym/locker room. Stuff happens there. Gay stuff. With penises. Beware!

So bisexuality aside, if you're not into sex with self-aware roleplaying of the forbidden, then you and he aren't compatible. At least not 100%. So the question is how much of a sexual overlap do you need to make it work? You said it "has" to be that way with him. That may be true or it may be that if he gets that itch scratched sometimes, that he can have some other kinds of sex with you.

I mean, how intrusive is the roleplay for you? Is every kiss punctuated by a "this is disgusting, make it stop, don't kiss me again, okay kiss me again, you've ruined me anyhow, I'm already a loser fag pervert helpless to my pathetic sex organs and twisted desire for man meat"? Because that's a lot of talking for each kiss.

Or does he just want to be spit on occasionally? Or does he want to just talk to you after about how he regrets it and will never have sex with you again because it's wrong?

Have you considered this type of sex play is actually pleasurable for him? And deep down he's not ashamed at all, just working out some issues, or otherwise getting off? Maybe even with some bonus catharsis of societal homophobia/biphobia?

I'm not bi but I know homophobia and biphobia apply. Technically, if he found someone he was attracted to and compatible with, he could be with a woman (and may have been). It sounds like the shame play hasn't been part of that. Because society doesn't shame bi men who sleep wth women, at least not the sleep with women part.

Of course it shames the women for having sex at all. And of course it shames you for having sex with men, which you've not eroticized at all. Which is fine.

You're intimate enough to know his desires and acted them out with him to a point. Talk to him and see what compatibility you may have moving forward. But if you're not a match, that's okay too. Maybe you can be friends. And hopefully he's not ashamed to have you as a friend, nor you him.

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