Ask GayDemon: Mask For Masc

I'm a little on the fem side. It's not a word I normally use, but for brevity and clarity, there it is. I see a lot of ads online that say "no fats, no fems." I'm pretty comfortable with who I am and I have a solid, gym-fit body, I have hang-ups like anyone else. But it's discouraging to think I have to "butch" it up just to get laid. Is this all there is for me?

-Fem Fella

If your goal is to have sex with men who are not attracted to the real you, then yes, be fake and hide your true self in the moment. Though, the fact that you are able to convincingly butch it up, whatever that means to you (and them), shows a certain level of role playing that anyone is allowed to have in their repertoire.

So if you keep yourself inviolable, loved, known and visible to yourself, it wouldn't be inherently detrimental to your psyche to put on what you see as an act in order to fulfill someone else's fantasy in the moment.

But that is a very tricky, limited balancing act, and involves you giving pleasure to guys who advertise negativity. Sexual preferences are personal but there is something inherently problematic about blanket statements regarding body size and gender expression.

It troubles me that you are seeking out people who don't like an aspect of who you are. Great, you are gym built, but by whose standard? Why not work out twice as much to get twice as many guys? So even with that you have some balance.

But your fem identity, whatever that means to you, is something to be confident in, something to express. And that fem person also deserves positive, safe sexual experiences. And that includes mentally safe. Playing a role can get in the way of that if the person you're with doesn't know you're playing a role.

Now when a guy has a blanket statement about his sexual interests, he's cutting himself off from the potential of unexpected, positive, exciting connections. Similarly to how you're cutting yourself off from someone being attracted to you fully (body, expression, personality, and more).

I encourage you to be yourself fully in all aspects of your life. And check your negative perceptions about your identity. You on some level judge yourself, seeing fem as less than it seems. And wanting to be with someone who shares that belief. Work out if you want and get those muscles if you want. Not for the guys who demand that look.

And know you can be incredibly, wonderfully feminine in the most incredible, wonderful, muscular body (hair or not). Dress how you want. Talk how you do. Walk how you feel. And know, perhaps while you may be most attracted to masculine men (however you interpret that), there are many of those men out there, and among that group are men who would be attracted to you just the way you are. And some of that group may in fact have a preference for guys with that male appearance and fem demeanor because that is an awesome thing that someone in the face of hatred of all things seen as female, is still strongly himself.

Now also consider you have a male body and male privilege. And you are getting but a small taste of what society puts on women and girls. So I'm not calling this out as sexism but it is an extension of it. Sexual desire is also politicized and while base attraction to male bodies can be innate, messages from society and from others in society about beauty standards need to be deconstructed, pressure-tested and truth-tested.

I ask that you be on your own side first. Support yourself in being who you are and that will be you in a better position to have meaningful honest sexual connections, some of which still may be one-nighters, and a few that may become much more significant.

This is not a time in history to hide who you are. If you do that too long and too hard, it hurts very badly and I don't want you to hurt. And it hides you from people who would love being with you. Who would love you. And I do want you to be loved.

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