Ask GayDemon: Kinky Discovery

I just found my boyfriend's profile on a fetish site. I joined yesterday as I was curious and I saw that he's into a heap of stuff we have never explored. Should I ask him about it?

-Fetish Finder

Oh, you "just found" his profile on a fetish site you "joined yesterday" as you're "curious"? How "fatefully" "surprisingly" "splendidly" magical an occurrence. My virtual fingers are now getting tired from ironic air quotes.

If you know my perfect advice at all, the most important thing to understand and put into practice is that honest, direct communication is always wrong. While it's clear that to some degree, you're both kinky and into having an open relationship, you haven't talked about your kinks or about open relationship rules.

And there should be rules. How else can you tag along when he meets someone online (who is not you) to spank the hell out of him? Or whatever one of his kinks is. Because if he wanted you to be the one to administer the spanking, he would've asked, or groveled or begged for it. He may see you as the "nice guy" and see the kink side of himself as dirty, something he can only get into with a nasty guy, or at least a guy who doesn't run out for bagels and a newspaper on Sunday morning and brings him breakfast in bed.

Still, he might want to be discovered, so definitely make sure your profile has no identifying information, then start chatting him up on there to dig into his psyche without him knowing it's you. It's like that You've Got Mail movie, except he likely has different fetishes than Meg Ryan (whose sole fetish seems to be bad plastic surgery).

You'll need to draw the line at doing any of the things in real time that just don't match up with who you are. Say he's a feeder and you're quite determined to stay thin, then don't eat the pounds of gruel he makes for you.

But do come up with your own list of interests, including ones you know he's not into. Start fake shyly bringing them up. But if you say spanking is one of your interests (after knowing it's in his profile) and he doesn't want to spank you or be spanked by you, then don't take it personally. People are different online than in real time.

Or fuck that. Totally take it personally and dump his unspanked ass. If he gets dumped by you, then he can rebound to your fake online persona and you'll get to see his expression when you show up for a first hookup or date or whatever he wants to call it. It will either be a happy reunion, punctuated by a bright red ass. Or a shame filled ragefest, punctuated by a bright red face. Either way, make sure to take a picture and send it to me.

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