I’m going to be alone this Christmas and New Year. I never have been before so not sure what I should do! Normally I’d have my apron on cooking for friends or family but that’s not possible this year. Suggest to me something I can do that isn’t sad or moronic.
-So So Solo
Well this won't reach you in time for Christmas, but let's assume you'll be alone next Christmas too. Hope for the best but plan for the worst, right? Or maybe it's whore for the best but plan for divorce? I really can't remember because I'm in the midst of a holiday party as I right this. I'm definitely not doing something sad or moronic.
The best advice is to volunteer at a shelter. Cook for people in need so you can still wear your Tom of Finland apron you love so much. I'm assuming that's your style but it's even money on that.
It'll fill you with a sense of appreciation for what you do have and enable you to connect with others in a productive way not involving HPV. Because you probably can't catch HPV from making dinner. Unless maybe if you work at Chipotle, then who the fuck knows?
If you're not into that, then I suggest a prolonged masturbation session, aided by the various porn you can get to through GayDemon. We're here to help!
You may end up feeling moronic when all your brain activity has centered on sexual pleasure and you forget how to multiply, plus you may drool on yourself, but your intelligence will completely return at some point.
You could also spend the time taking on an extra shift at work, if it's even open. Being a workaholic is a great way to deny a lack of social outlets.
As for New Years, who the fuck cares about New Years? Only a moron cares about New Years. About some group event in which you're supposed to get peak drunk at exactly midnight and kiss someone at exactly midnight and watch crappy, short, tiny fireworks at exactly midnight.
f you have to do something, don't cook meals for those less fortunate because Christmas has past so you can be done feeling charitable. Do watch as many in memoriam type segments which show all the famous people who've died this year.
Even the least famous among them are more famous than all of us. Plus maybe someone you had thought died three years ago really just died this year so you can be simultaneously surprised they had been alive earlier in the year and sad all over again that they did in fact more recently die. It's like feeling happy and sad, smart and moronic, all at the same time.
Then cum on your face.
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